Chapter Twenty-Nine
There was this feeling he carried inside him from the moment he and Drew parted. He struggled to name it, to describe it, only knowing that it felt like something had been switched off within and nothing he did seemed to turn it back on.
The hours and days moved slowly, like molasses. He’d never understood that saying before, his life lived at a frenetic pace with action required at a moment’s notice. And that was still true, but even those sporadic bursts of activity seemed to have slowed down. Conversations dragged, music and television sounded like they were in monotone. His thoughts were devoid of color. Except when he dragged up his memories of Drew. Those were everything his waking life was not. In high definition, surround sound and almost, he could imagine, 3D, were it not for the fact they existed solely in his head.
He did what everyone suggested after a break-up, because even though they’d never got together, it was the closest thing he could equate it to. And something people understood better than ‘my more-than friend had to go into federal protection as a witness against the multimillionaire CEO of a company who was up to his neck in fraud and murder’. That one didn’t exactly roll off the tongue, either.
His team were understanding. Better than that. They were there, dragging his ass out of bed on days off to go running, to the gun range to practice, or whatever activity they thought might take his mind off things.
And while he knew they knew, and vice versa, he was content not to have it said out loud on the understanding, from Tom and the rest of them, that if he needed to talk about it, he would and could. What was there to even say?
One week became four, and he felt he was just treading water, time passing with barely any notice.
Tom sat him down after work one day.
“How are you holding up?”
If he had to ask the question and phrase it like that, it was fair to say that what Sam was struggling with had spilled over into his work.
“I’m not doing as well as I’d like to be.”
“Yeah, I can see that. I thought maybe a change of pace might suit you? Just for a few weeks?”
“You’re not demoting me to traffic cop, are you?” he asked with a grin. It was a long running joke on the team that if you rubbed Tom up the wrong way, you’d spend a week doing traffic stops as punishment.
Tom grinned back at him. “Now there’s an idea. Nothing so pedestrian, I’m afraid. Feds are short a few officers at a facility nearby. They’ve asked for us to send someone. I thought I’d give you first choice.”
“Any particular reason?”
“Other than the fact that you’re like a walking zombie half the time? A change of scenery might do you good. Meet some new people, make some friends, renew some acquaintances.”
When he glanced up, there was an unmistakable twinkle in Tom’s eyes.
Matt was starting to come around, physically at least. The weight loss had stopped and he’d gradually started to fill out again. He was sleeping too, his eyes no longer strained, the lines of exhaustion gone from his face. He was still anxious, still jumpy, but he seemed to come out of it quicker.
“They’re talking about moving me out into their day program in a few weeks’ time,” he said to Sam one day as they passed a basketball back and forth in the exercise hall. Now that Matt’s energy was building, they’d encouraged him to be active and he’d taken that to heart. There were a few other patients and visitors milling about but no one near enough to disturb them.
“How do you feel about that?” Sam asked, unable to glean the answer from Matt’s expression.
Matt shrugged. “I’d like to say I was happy about it but I guess I’m more worried. Like, what if it doesn’t work and I slide backward? I’m not sure I can crawl back out of this a second time.”
“We’d never let it get so bad again, Matt. You understand what you’re going through better, and so does your family, and so do I. We’d act sooner, we wouldn’t leave you at a loose end as long as we did.”
“That wasn’t your fault. I kept telling you I was okay, that I’d pull myself out of it.”
“We both knew that wasn’t going to happen, long before you hit rock bottom.”
“Still doesn’t make it your fault.” He went back to throwing the ball, aiming and missing the hoop. “Damn.” He passed the ball back to Sam. “My Mom has said she’ll stay with me for a few weeks while I settle into the program and my sister will come and stay for a while after that, if I need her to.”
“So what’ll you do, in the program?”
“It’s like what I do in here, only less intense. There’ll be groups and one on one. They have a PTSD group, which is something the hospital doesn’t have for inpatients, so that’ll be good. But Declan stopped by to tell me they’re also starting a new group for veterans with PTSD at the VA, so I might join that instead or as well. There’s a lot of options.”
“Options are good.”
“They’ve said not to think about returning to work for at least three months. Just because of the environment being so similar to being out in the field. The chaos, the noise, the pressure.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
Matt made a face. “For now. I want to get back to it, my hands are itching for something to do. But I think going back too soon, when I haven’t got a handle on managing my responses to the kind of triggers I’ll find there, would bring me back a few steps.”
“You’re right. Over-prepare for the eventuality.”
“Declan suggested doing some desensitization stuff beforehand. He’s looking into finding me someone I could shadow on shift, just as an observer, so I get to be immersed in the environment, without any of the responsibility.”
“I think Declan knows his stuff.”
“Yeah. Thanks for putting us in touch.”
“Right place, right time. I didn’t do anything special.”
“You got me where I needed to be, before it was too late.” Matt passed him the ball. “Speaking of where people need to be, how are you doing on getting over Drew.”
Sam, in the middle of trying to shoot a hoop, made a complete mess of it, the ball hitting the backboard and bouncing off to the side.
“That bad, huh?”
He glared at Matt but Matt only smiled. “Tell me again how you two left it?”
“I told him we made a good team. He told me not to wait for him, that a trial could take years. We said goodbye, he told me he’d always remember me.”
“This is typical Sam territory, though. He needed you. You needed him to need you. Now he doesn’t need you anymore. You’re usually as good at moving on as they are. What’s wrong this time?”
“I guess, for me, it wasn’t all about being needed. There was a part of me that just wanted Drew for me.”
Matt, about to shoot another hoop, paused and set the ball down.
“Let’s sit down for a minute.”
They sat side by side on the benches lining the hall.
“Do you think he felt the same?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t exactly get the chance to ask him and it wasn’t like we had time to test the theory, either.”
“But…”
“But it seemed like he wished things were different. He told me to go out and find someone who didn’t need rescuing all the time.”
“So are you planning to wait for him, wiling the time away pining for him? Because by the time he gets untangled from this mess he’s in, he’ll be a different person. You won’t just be able to pick up where you left off. And he probably won’t want a reminder of the past. I hate to say it, Sam, but I think you’re setting yourself up for a hard fall.”
“There’s a chance I might be able to see him sooner. To spend some time with him, just the two of us.”
“And you’re managing that how?”
Sam filled him in on Tom’s temporary transfer offer.
“But I’m not sure it’s fair on Drew. Or on my team. I don’t want to be there because I want a career change or I’m really invested in protecting witnesses, I’d be there because…”
“You want to jump Drew’s bones, right. I can see the conundrum.”
“So, what do I do?”
“Oh, well that bit is easy,” Matt said, springing to his feet and retrieving the ball. “For once in your life, Sam, be selfish. You like Drew and he seems wholly receptive to that, whatever about the baggage he’s carrying. Take the chance that you might wind up happy. Your job will wait, your life will wait. Convince Drew that you’re willing to wait, too.”