Chapter Thirty-Four
Two days and many more work outs later, Sam was called out for a meeting. Drew watched him go with trepidation, worrying that it meant he wasn’t coming back. An hour became two, then three. Lunchtime came and went and he ate despite his stomach being in knots.
It was almost three in the afternoon when the door finally opened. He half-expected it to be Morton, rushing in like a bull in a china shop.
A head of dark hair greeted him and he relaxed as the familiar figure of Sam stepped inside. He was on his feet and across the room in an instant.
“You’re back.”
“Yeah,” was all Sam got out before Drew had him in a hug. Sam hugged him back. “Sorry it took so long. I have some news. Do you want to sit down?”
They sat side by side on the couch, Drew holding tight to Sam as if afraid he’d disappear. And maybe that was it, the news? Maybe Sam was being redeployed? Maybe they’d learned how close he and Drew really were?
“Morton’s not coming back. They reviewed the camera footage and the sensors on the doors which corroborated your account. Plus, the idiot was stupid enough to do some of what he did in full view of the cameras. They’re going to reassign him to a desk job somewhere while they complete their investigation and either dismiss him if they have enough evidence, or pension him out.”
“That’s a relief.”
“Yeah. There’s something else.”
“What is it?”
“It seems there’s an indirect connection between Morton and Russell. Russell had some leverage against someone who works in the department. They think he put pressure on them and they arranged for Morton to be placed on your protection detail as well as telling him some things, both true and untrue, about you. Things that would rile a man like Morton up and lead him to make your life intolerable.”
“It was deliberate?” He’d just assumed he was unlucky, getting Morton as his guard.
“It seems like it. They’re still doing their preliminary investigation, as well as checking for anyone else who might be vulnerable to Russell.”
“What now?”
“Well, I’ve agreed to stay on an extra two weeks while they work out their staffing issues, so we keep going as we are for now.”
Morton gone was a relief, but this was…
“Really?”
“Yep, really.”
Drew moved, straddling Sam’s legs. “Are you sure you can take the time out from your team?” He knew how important Sam’s job was to him.
“I cleared it with them before I said yes.”
“So I have you all to myself for two more weeks?”
“That’s right.”
“We had better make the most of it then.” Leaning forward, he took Sam’s face in his hands and kissed him.
Sam seemed oddly distracted the rest of that day and the day after. When Drew woke early on Friday morning and found Sam sitting on the side of the bed, seemingly lost in thought, he couldn’t let it go any longer.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
He’d never seen that phrase work on anyone, but it didn’t cost him anything to try.
“It’s nothing,” Sam replied, giving him a small smile.
“It doesn’t seem like nothing to you. Is it Matt? Is it me?”
“No, it’s not Matt. And it certainly isn’t you.”
“Then what?”
“They’ve asked me to make my transfer permanent.”
That had Drew sitting up, all vestiges of sleep falling away.
“What?”
“They’re understaffed. And now, with Morton gone…”
“But this isn’t what you want to do. This isn’t what you trained for.”
“Yeah, but it would mean I get to stay with you, until the trial, make sure you get through it okay.”
“Sam, that could be years.”
“Or months. Or just a year.”
“And what then? What would happen after?”
Sam was silent.
“Can you transfer back?”
Sam looked down at the floor. “It doesn’t work like that. I’d have to wait for a spot to open up on a team, go through the whole tryout thing again and hope there wasn’t anyone better than me.”
Sam twisted around to face him. “It doesn’t matter, Drew. I want to be here, with you.”
“It does matter, Sam. It matters a whole damn lot.”
“It’s just a job.”
“This is just a job. Being on that team means more than that and you know it. It’s a part of who you are. You can’t give it up just to babysit me.”
“I think that’s my decision, isn’t it?”
Sam turned away, his body replete with tension, with anger.
Drew tried one last plea. “Sam, if you give so much of yourself to other people, you won’t have anything left for you.”
Sam didn’t respond but Drew knew he was listening. He kept talking.
“I don’t want you to give up everything for me. That isn’t my idea of love. I’m really happy that you’re here for two more weeks but after that, you need to go back to your team. What I said before, about not waiting, I was wrong. What we have is worth waiting for. But if you give away your job like that, just to keep me company, it won’t work. For me, it would be the guilt of knowing you gave up something you want so much. I’d always feel like I was letting you down, not good enough for the sacrifice you made.”
Sam glanced at him over his shoulder, but stayed silent.
“And eventually you’d start to resent the choice you made, and me for letting you make it. So I’m not going to. If you don’t turn down their offer, then I’ll tell them we’re sleeping together. They won’t let you continue working with me, you’ll be assigned to someone else, and it will all have been for nothing.”
Sam stood and stalked from the room, slamming the door behind him.
Drew flopped back onto the bed. “Fuck.”
Had he come down too hard? It made him angry, how Sam was so willing to give everything away without thought for himself and what it would do to him. This was what Vex had meant, and Matt. They’d been trying to tell him that Sam was vulnerable because of how willing he was to give everything he had. He’d just thought Sam was nice, protective, a good person. But now he knew it was more than that.
When he got up, he found Sam standing by the window.
“Hey,” he tried.
“What if the next guy is just as bad as Morton?” The words were quiet.
“Then I’ll tell Cora and I won’t let her brush me off this time. I’ll keep to my routine, like you taught me, and I’ll find some way to connect with him, so he sees me as a person.”
“And if none of that works?”
“I’ll talk to the weekend staff. I’ll write reports and get them to send them on. Hell, I’ll go on hunger strike if have to. But I won’t have to, because Cora is on top of it now, and they know questions will be asked if anything happens.”
“I want to do this for you.”
“But I don’t want you to.” He cast around for something to say, to impress on Sam the gravity of the choice he was making. “It would be like me needing a kidney transplant and you giving me both of yours. Draining your life to make doubly sure I survive. It doesn’t leave anything for you, Sam.”
“I need to think.”
“Come back to bed. You can think in there, where it’s warm.”
Sam shook his head.
“I’m going to be okay,” Drew said. “I’m a survivor. And with Russell in custody and me here, my life isn’t in danger. Morton wasn’t going to kill me, he was just making me miserable. So you don’t need to take heroic efforts to keep me safe.”
He stepped closer, resting a hand on Sam’s tense shoulder.
“That’s not to say I don’t appreciate it. Everything you’ve done for me since I met you is something I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to repay. But this is a step I won’t let you take, because it would do you harm.”
Sam turned, embracing him, and Drew let out a long sigh of relief, wrapping his arms tight around him.
“Come back to bed,” he said again. Sam pulled away slowly, nodding and making his way back to the bedroom. Drew followed a little slower, conscious of the camera on the entrance into the corridor.
They climbed back into bed and cuddled together.
“I know there’s a reason you are the way you are,” Drew said, keeping his voice low. “I just don’t know what it is. I thought maybe it had something to do with your Mom?”
Sam was silent for so long, Drew thought he’d made a mistake, pushed too hard.
“Mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was five. My sister Molly was two and my little brother Theo had just been born. Dad was redeployed when Theo was six months. Mom wasn’t able a lot of the time. Our grandmother helped out but she died suddenly before Theo turned two. Mom had a relapse and I guess that was when I started looking out for her, and Molly and Theo. Now and then, there were carers or nurses, and neighbors who’d look in, but with my Dad’s job, we’d transfer from place to place every few years and have to start over. The illness wouldn’t just affect my mom physically, it also messed with her emotions. She could be irritable and angry or really down and tearful. I tried to protect Molly and Theo from the worst of it.”
Drew tugged him closer, pulling Sam’s head to rest on his shoulder.
“Dad was around less and less. I think it was hard, because he’d come home from deployment and she’d be almost a different person every time. From that first time, just after Theo was born, she was never the woman he’d married. He didn’t know how to cope except to make sure we had enough money.”
He paused, resting a hand over Drew’s.
“Mom died when I was sixteen and I guess it was only afterward that I realized how much of my life had been spent caring for her. I had no friends or hobbies. My grades were very average because family always came before homework or study. Once she was gone, Dad took a desk job and was there to parent, so Molly and Theo didn’t need me either. I was lost, wandering around the base not knowing what to do with myself. A recruitment officer happened to spot me, told me the army would give me everything I lacked; a purpose, something to strive towards, friends. He was right. But I guess I’ve never lost that need to be needed. To put others first. I’ve been lucky with my friends, because they see that side of me and they appreciate it but they’re also protective since they know people take advantage. They’ve seen it happen.”
Drew had wondered about that, given some of what Matt and Vex had said.
He squeezed Sam’s hand. “I’m really sorry about your Mom, but I’m glad she had you there for her and your siblings.”
“Yeah. And we have a pretty good relationship now. Even with my Dad. I was angry at him for a long time for not being there but I understand that he was there in the only way he felt he could be. And he really pulled it together for Molly and Theo after Mom was gone.”
Drew heard the unspoken wish that he’d pulled it together for Sam, too.
“I guess that’s why you and Logan hit it off, both the eldest with troublesome siblings.”
Sam smiled. “I don’t think Molly and Theo were ever as much trouble as you.”
“Hey! I resent that remark.”
Snuggling closer, he trailed fingers across Sam’s cheek. “Let’s make the most of the time we have, okay?”
Sam sighed, “Okay.” He leaned forward, burying his face in the crook of Drew’s neck. He mumbled, the words lost in warms puff of air against Drew’s skin.
“Hmm?” he asked, tipping Sam’s head up.
“I feel kind of relieved, that you said no.”
Some of the swirling tension in Drew’s stomach eased.
“Well, that’s a relief to me, too. Those feelings, the ones that had you sitting up on the side of the bed before dawn, those were your instincts, your self-preservation, telling you exactly what I told you. That it wasn’t the right decision for you. For either of us.”
Sam nodded, resting his head on the pillow with a yawn. “It’s a good thing you were there to set me straight.”
“You’d have worked it out yourself.”
“Maybe.” Sam didn’t sound so sure and neither, in that moment, was Drew.