Grey
We leave the hidden stream after another session of mind-blowing sex. Speaking on the blowing part, that alone was fucking fantastic. I never truly knew how much I missed her soft, responsive body and lips, full and perfectly made for me. I filled her in ways no other man ever would. And although we have not yet titled whatever the hell we are, it still felt amazing knowing how open she was to me. To touch her, caress her, kiss her, claim her.
I have half a mind to just have us continue like this without any title, but I know she wants one. She still has to win back my trust first. To be honest, that’s just what my pride is telling me. What I really want to do is have her back in my life again. I have been so fucking dead on the inside ever since that day in December. And now that I have her slowly falling in my palm like putty, I want so fucking desperately to just sweep her off her feet and live blissfully in ignorance to the many, many reasons why we shouldn’t be together.
You have to protect your heart, Grey, my rather reasonable but pretty fucking prideful subconscious reminds me. She’s hurt you before and you didn’t see it coming. The same thing can happen.
I grip the leather wheel and tap my fingers anxiously. “You won’t hurt me again, right?” I need to hear her say it. I need the reassurance, or I will go internally crazy and it will spill over and—fuck, I already feel my skin itching. Without my meds, I feel like I am slowly driving myself insane. I have to admit, when I was on them, I felt calmer and more rational. But I am who I truly am without them. And I am determined to show everyone that I can be sane without any fucking pill.
I feel her eyes on me, so I glance over at her. She’s staring at me with an unreadable expression, and that’s not good because I can usually read her mind with one look. Her huge brilliant blue eyes are squinted, and her lips are bunched to one side.
“What?” I say, feeling a little analyzed. I don’t like the feeling. I didn’t feel it the first time around, and now I feel paranoid that’s what’s happening now. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?” she asks.
“That,” I snap, and she flinches. I let out a breath, grip my hair, and stare at the deserted roads. “I don’t like it when you look at me like that.”
“Like what?” she asks. I see her shrug in my peripheral vision.
“Like you’re studying me,” I say, and my knuckles turn white. I peek a glance at her and see she’s frowning at her hands, like she’s about to burst into tears. “Just…promise me that you won’t hurt me again.”
“You know I won’t,” she says, her voice hoarse with tears.
Fuck—I shouldn’t have let my crazy-ass mind speak. Now she’s all hurt and shit.
“I’m—” I begin, briefly rubbing my face, fighting a battle in my head.
“I already lost you,” she croaks, cutting me off. “I have apologized a million times. I burned the book. I pled for you—I did everything I could. But I can’t go back in the past and erase what I did.”
“I know you can’t, Olivia,” I gripe through clenched teeth. She’s getting all emotional again. I wish she knew how much I just want to burn the past and resume what we had. How much I want to get rid of my horrendous pride and slap my heart on my sleeve, all for her.
“Stop calling me that!” she screams, and I pull over.
“What do you want me to call you, then?” I face her, letting my random burst of anger get the best of me.
She just stares up at me with eyes like the sky. I watch as a raindrop falls down her cheek. “I don’t know,” she says, closing her eyes briefly, then settling her deep baby blues on me. I surrender to them in an instant. “I just want you to look at me the same. I want us to be the same. And most of all, I want you to trust me without having to ask if I will hurt you.”
“After what you did, you want me to treat you the same, like nothing happened?” I look at her as if she’s the crazy one. And I very well can, because what she wants is greedy and nearly impossible. “When you did what you did, my heart broke in two, and you took one half of it. I am only now getting it back. And I’m still healing. So I’m sorry if I am a little cruel or rough with you, I just want to make sure I’m not making a mistake.”
She looks down, and it is quiet for a moment. “I know, I’m just selfish enough to want us to resume what we had,” she admits sullenly. She looks up and reaches out to me. I don’t move when she holds my face, and she looks relieved. “But I will do everything in my power to get us back where we once were.”
I look into her eyes and see past the normality of them. I swim in her deep oceans, and I search for the truth. It takes me a while, maybe seconds, minutes, maybe even hours or years, but I finally find what I am searching for—her sincerity. Her desperation for us to be us again. And I latch onto that too, because I need every last bit of help to hold onto the idea of us being okay. Not in pain or miserable or losing our fucking minds. I just need her…
I nod, feeling tears in my eyes as well.
“Okay.”
She looks a little taken aback, and I smile. “Okay?” she questions for assurance.
I lean forward and take her lips in mine. “Okay,” I whisper when we pull back for a brief second.
***
“Do you have the food I cooked for the flight?” Abuela asks, dark eyes wide as she gestures wildly with her hands, as she always does when it comes to how well fed I am. I swear, sometimes I worry she wants to fatten me up to the point where she must intervene and take care of me for the rest of my life.
“Yes, Abuela,” I assure her with a little sigh. I can’t be harsh with her. She just lost Grandpa and is going through a lot. She tries her best to show she’s strong and dealing with it fine, but I know she isn’t. I can see past everything she puts up. I wrap my arms around her, and she stiffens; my cousins raise eyebrows at me. I barely show affection toward any family, but she deserves this. And to be honest…I kind of need it too. “I’ll call you when we land.” I kiss her forehead, and she makes a strange sound between a cough, a laugh, and a coo. I just roll my eyes, smile, and hug a little harder.
“Oh, my bebé has grown up so much,” she whines and pulls back. The heavy emotion of love in her eyes as she holds and squishes my cheeks together makes my heart hurt. “You take care of yourself, you hear me?”
“Yes, Abuela.”
“Oh!” she exclaims suddenly. “Before I forget, I have something for you, left by your abuelo.” She scurries off, and I walk back inside our room.
Liv is finishing up packing her clothes in her luggage. I’m surprised she didn’t do this after the funeral. But then again, she didn’t have time since we were out and kind of busy. I smirk at the images flashing through my pervy mind.
“Hey.” She touches my arm, and I look into her eyes expectantly. “You okay?” Her lips dance with a little amusement.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, cupping her face and rubbing my thumbs over her soft skin. I watch with satisfaction as she sucks in a deep breath. I love how much of an effect I have on her with just one touch. “Just thinking about last night and how amazing you felt as I was fucking you…” I run my thumbs over her lips, and her tongue peeks out to bite or suck like the naughty little princess she is.
“And here it is!” Abuela calls out behind me, ruining the moment.
“To be continued,” I whisper to Liv, watching her reel back to planet Earth. I chuckle a little as I drop my hands and turn to Abuela.
She walks up to me, holding a wooden box. “What’s this?” I ask her. It has some type of carving around it and a ruby embedded in the middle of the lid.
“This is…was your grandfather’s,” she says, gulping. I catch her slip up, and I want to hug her to soothe her, but she continues, “He loved this thing because his father gave it to him. It was handed down generation to generation. And since your father is gone…” She pushes it out to me, and I gingerly take it, feeling the pressure in such a little box.
“It’s mine,” I finish for her and look into her solemn eyes.
She hums as a reply. “Now, he said you will find something important in here.”
Curious, I flip the lid open and am met with a bunch of crap. I look at her with skepticism. “Random papers and paper clips are important?”
She shrugs, expelling a sigh. “He said you’d know what it was when the time came.” I look up and hold her gaze. “You know how weird your abuelo was,” she says.
“Yeah, I know…” I trail, feeling the memories clog up my mind again. I close the lid and press a finger to one of my temples, rubbing gently.
She cups my face again and sniffles. “You behave, okay?”
“Okay, Abuela,” I sigh, and she rubs my cheeks.
“You need a shave,” she says, and I laugh. I wrap my arms around her and breathe in her scent of cinnamon and dish-soap. “Te extrañaré, bebé.” (I’ll miss you, baby.)
“Yo también te voy a extrañar,” I tell her honestly, and she makes that weird sound again.
When she leaves, something she said is stuck in my brain. (I’m going to miss you too.)
I walk into the bathroom across the hall. “Did you take the pill yet?” I am referring to the morning after pill. I almost forgot about our little “connection” in the very shower behind her yesterday morning. But when Abuela said the word “bebé,” a fire was lit under my ass to remind Liv.
Liv stands up straight from the sink and wipes her mouth. “Just did,” she says with a sort of sad smile.
“You okay?” I ask, and she nods. I stand back as she passes me and enters our room. I follow her and watch her carefully as she zips up her luggage and stands it up. “Well, you don’t look it.”
“I am, Grey,” she says with a sigh.
“I’m just asking to be nice,” I snap, and she looks confused. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
She shrugs and rubs her palms together, avoiding my gaze. “I just…I was just thinking about our future. I mean, I know we aren’t really anything right now, but I’d still like to know if we can ever take a large step past being a couple.”
“Seriously?” I tilt my head.
She nods. “I would still like to have a family in the future.”
I scoff and bend down to my luggage, zipping it shut after throwing a few shirts in it. “Well, I don’t.”
“I get that—” she says, closing her eyes again, like she’s fucking tired of me. I don’t like it.
“Then you may as well go back to Noah because I won’t give you children—don’t want ’em,” I tell her, standing up and catching the brief flicker of hurt cross her face. Her lips tremble, and she looks away, biting them. Fuck. “Sorry, but I’m just telling you the truth.”
“Is there a reason?” she asks, daring a glance at me.
I nod. “There’s no point to them.”
“Not even…marriage?” she suggests lightly, and I grimace.
“Fucking Christ, Liv.” I hold up my hands. “Do you understand that we aren’t a couple, yet you’re talking about marriage and children?” It’s fucking scaring the crap out of me thinking of mini-mes or mini-hers running around. I actually shudder. Like, Jesus fuck. We aren’t even together and she’s thinking of kids. I’ve already told her I don’t want them. There’s nothing about a slobbering, snot-nosed child that appeals to me.
Again, she looks hurt and turns her gaze to the ground.
I don’t like it when she looks like that.
I walk over to her and cup her face.
“Let’s take this one step at a time, yeah?” I lamely suggest, and she frowns. I kiss her forehead and rush out of the door, luggage in hand.