Chapter Fifteen

I hadn’t gone skinny dipping since I was a teenager, and back then it was mostly in swimming pools. Floating around in the gentle ocean waves now as I stared up at the star-speckled sky was something else. I felt small and insignificant, but also like part of it all, the sea, the earth, the sky. I thought of that Kennedy quote, something about us being connected to the ocean, going back from whence we came or some bullshit. But I went with it, feeling cleansed and refreshed, letting the salt water have the last traces of semen stuck to my skin that hadn’t quite made it down Duncan’s throat. Those little spermies would never create new life, so I gave them willingly back to the sea.

Duncan swam over and caught me in an embrace, and I smoothed my hands over his wet hair as we bobbed in the water. “Okay,” I said. “You were right. Swimming was a great idea.”

“I told you.” He kissed me with salty lips. “You getting cold?”

“Not yet. Now that I’m used to it the water feels perfect.”

“You feel perfect,” he said and kissed me again, letting it linger this time.

Kissing Duncan while we were both wet and naked in this setting was divine, and as his tongue tangled with mine and he held me against his body, I knew perfect happiness. I tried to fight the blissful contentment, to at least partially shackle my emotions, but right now that wasn’t working, and I let the truth breach the surface for the first time—that I was starting to think I belonged with this man.

I could see myself being happy with someone like Duncan for a long, long time. He was ambitious but whimsical, smart but goofy sometimes, sexy and carefree but serious and caring when it mattered. And though I was grateful to be here at this exotic retreat, I truly didn’t give a fuck about his money. It wasn’t his cash that made my heart flutter. He made my body feel more awake than it had in years. I’d been feeling dead inside, and this older man in my arms had resuscitated me. And it wasn’t just because he was the first man I’d allowed myself to date in a dog’s age. Duncan was the first man I’d wanted to date after that long, depressing isolation I’d put myself into.

So many times in the past I thought I knew what I wanted, only to discover I was fooling myself. I’d tried to force things that weren’t working because I’d convinced myself it was right, when in hindsight, it was so obviously wrong. But when Duncan came into my life, I wasn’t searching for anything. I’d had no preconceptions. My apathy had put me in the unique position of being open to anything, of being my true self without pretense. Open to this surprise passion I had for a man I’d never have even considered back when my expectations were limited to the narrow worldview I’d crafted around myself.

Our kiss finally disengaged, and Duncan held my hands and spun me gently around him as we buoyed in the undulating waves. “I like your passion for life,” I said. “I like being part of it right now.”

“You say such sweet things. You’ve been extra sweet since we got here.”

“You’re the only person who’s ever called me sweet.” I chuckled. “But I’m not trying to be sweet. Do you think the things I say aren’t sincere?”

“It doesn’t matter. They make me happy either way.”

It doesn’t matter? “Well, I am sincere. I try to be an honest person these days,” I said. “I made fun of Mythic when I first got there, you know that. But I like the way you live your life. I admire it. You do what pleases you, and that’s braver than it sounds in this world.”

Duncan caught me around the waist again and pinched my chin. “You’re going to have an amazing life yourself. I’m certain of it. You’re an extraordinary young man with great potential.”

My bliss stumbled. An extraordinary young man? Great potential? Was he my lover or my fucking guidance counselor? I stared into his beautiful eyes, with the little droplets of water clinging to his long lashes, and I had no idea what thoughts lay behind them. For all my revelations about what I was feeling, I’d once again forgotten to consider his point of view. His last commentary warned that my perspective on our affair differed greatly from his.

“I’m going to have an amazing life?” I chuckled, trying to keep it light, but a little discomfort crept into my voice. “My life is already happening, Duncan.”

“I know, Zach. I’m just saying you’ve got a lot of life left to live. And knowing you, I suspect it will get even better. That you’ll do great things and find happiness. You deserve that.”

“And what about you? Aren’t you happy right now? With me?”

“Of course I am. Life’s all about moments. This is a good moment in time. I’ll always remember it.”

Oh, brilliant. Could he possibly squeeze any more finality into his words? “You mean long after I’m gone from your life.”

“I mean no matter what happens. I’ll remember you, and what this night felt like regardless.”

Romance was always a gamble, I understood that, and I was not yet laying all my bets on Duncan’s table. But when you entered the race it was supposed to be about the potential of getting somewhere. Whether it worked out or not, it was supposed to be about trying something on for size. At least that’s the way I’d always thought of it. I’d expected that Duncan would at least be open to the possibility that this could lead somewhere. But him speaking so matter of fact about it, like he saw our departure from each other as inevitable and obvious? Well, that pissed me off, surprised me, and it fucking hurt. He couldn’t have chosen another moment to show me how nonchalant he was about me?

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Duncan treaded water, drifting a couple feet away from me. “I’m swimming with you. What do you mean?”

I shook my head. “You’re trying to ruin it. This moment you like so much.”

“Nonsense. I’m relishing it. Trapped in time, forever sealed. Forever perfect.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No.” He swam to me and cupped my ass with his hands. “But I’m drunk on you.”

“Then why are you talking about my future diverging from yours right now? Why are you talking like that when we’re naked and on a date?”

“Come on Zach. I’m a realist. I enjoy being drunk on you. But I know I’ll have to sober up eventually.”

I pushed away from him and wanted to puke. The bliss I’d been feeling sank into the sea. The stars in the sky didn’t seem so wondrous anymore. And the water was suddenly cold and uncomfortable. “I’m gonna get out now. Go take a hot shower. It’s getting chilly.”

I swam to shore and climbed onto the sand on shaky legs. Grabbed my towel and dried off haphazardly.

“Zach!” Duncan stepped up beside me and picked up his towel. “Is something wrong?”

I looked up and met his eyes. “I know we’ve been mostly just fucking and there’s no set destination, but at least I’m going into it with an open mind. Yours is already closed, apparently. I didn’t realize that when you agreed to date me.”

Duncan watched me as he toweled off his hair. He wrapped the towel around his waist and sighed. “You’re smart, Zach. You can’t pretend you don’t see any obstacles as far as you and I are concerned.”

“Obstacles? Well, let’s see. I quit being your employee, so there’s one out of the way. There was the Corey thing, but after our discussion tonight, I assumed that obstacle was gone too. So what’s left, aside from you just not liking me enough? If that’s it, I’ll accept it.”

“That’s not it. There’s no limit to how much I like you.”

“So the age difference then? Because that’s the only thing I can imagine you’re thinking about, and that’s a non-issue.”

“It’s not a non-issue. It’s a huge issue.”

I shook my head, genuinely surprised. “Why? Why is that an issue for you? Because it’s not for me.”

“Zach, I’m not just a few years older than you. I’m twenty-one years older than you. Twenty-one. By the time your mother was giving birth to you, I was already of legal drinking age. Had already had a ton of sex, relationships, life experiences. I was graduating from college. That was all happening when you were a newborn infant.”

“Is that how you see me? As a baby? As a kid?”

“Zach—”

“Who cares what was happening at certain points in our past? What does any of that have to do what’s happening now?” I pointed at the sand. “Right now. In this moment. You said life is just moments in time. I don’t want this one to be trapped in some preserved forever perfect memory box. I want to move forward and experience the messy parts too. I want to see what could happen between us. Would it really be so preposterous for you to take me seriously, Duncan? To at least give this a chance before you toss me away in your scrap book?”

And there it was. The old Zach. The lead-with-his-heart Zach. The one I thought I’d killed, rising from his dusty coffin in all his possessive, love-starved glory. Thirsty for commitment and reassurance.

And Duncan was staring at me with parted lips, looking stunned. Saying nothing.

I shook my head. “I’m gonna go freshen up, I’m all sandy.”

I made my way back up to the house. Duncan didn’t follow me. When I opened the door and risked a glance over my shoulder, he was sitting on his towel, alone, staring out at the sea.