Chapter Twenty

 

Riding through Jamaica Plain beside Corey in his little two-seater sports car felt both familiar and totally fucking new, like déjà vu crashing into an alternate dimension. Corey didn’t seem to be feeling the same weirdness. But then this was Corey. Never in my days had I met someone so devoid of the ability to feel discomfort. It was one of the reasons I’d fallen for him, so polar opposite from me I’d been gobsmacked and couldn’t look away. When I’d first met Corey, I’d been carrying a Santa Claus sized sack of fears. About the world. Being gay. Whether people liked me. The state of the economy. You name it, and I found a way to worry about it. And Corey’s answer to it all had been ‘Fuck it’. Those two words, a gospel I bowed to when it flowed from his perfect lips, but had never managed to synthesize.

Windows rolled down, the stereo at peak volume, Corey’s blond hair rippled in the wind as he sang loudly along to ‘Seven Nation Army’ by The White Stripes, slapping his hands on the steering wheel. It was surreal looking at Corey after so long being estranged, viewing him from a new perspective. I used to view him as the air I breathed, the one I fit with, the jam in my jelly roll. But now it was like observing an alien species, an odd beast that gave no fucks and maintained hair so perfect even the wind was no match. I’d tried to tame that beast once. No wonder I had emotional backsplash.

Stewart and Doug lived on one of the nice little back roads off Centre Street, lots of flowering shrubs and cute apartment houses with polished sidewalks. Corey pulled the car in behind Stewart’s plumbing van, and I saw Doug’s car and another I didn’t recognize beside us. When he shut the engine off I could already hear laughter and male voices, and Corey said, “Come on, everyone’s out back.”

I closed the car door then hesitated, awkward and nervous.

Corey smiled at me as he rounded the car. “What’s the matter?”

“Who’s here? Do they know I’m coming?”

“Oh for fuck sakes.” Corey grabbed my arm and tugged me along the side of the house toward the back yard. “Quit being shy.”

I laughed and yanked my arm back as I followed him. “I’ve always been shy.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I forgot. But you already know these people. And I’ll get you a beer right away. Relax.”

I heard reggae music as we entered the fenced-in back yard, and I did relax a little when I saw Doug at a picnic table. Stewart and Angelo stood nearby talking over a large cooler. The back door of the house opened and a tall thin man with golden brown skin and black curly hair stepped out, holding a bottle of tequila in one hand, and a stack of little plastic shot glasses in the other. He did a double take when he saw me and Corey, then stopped dead. “Is that fucking Zach?”

I smiled. “Hi, Jairo.”

“Hey.” He grinned, but looked confused. “How you been?”

“Good. Where’s Rod?”

“He had to work.”

“Oh. Well, tell him I said hi.”

“I will.” Jairo looked at Corey. “I thought you were going to the store for ice, not ex-boyfriend shopping.”

“Yes, Jairo. Zach is here. Everyone! Zach is here! Get the shock and awe out of your systems, he’s coming out with us.”

I rolled my eyes. I’d forgotten how obnoxious Corey was, which emphasized just how long it’d been since we’d hung out, because that was just his personality.

“That’s great,” Jairo said. “But where’s the ice?”

“I forgot it,” Corey said.

“Of course you did. Okay, warm tequila shots, coming up.” Jairo walked to the picnic table and set down the bottle.

Doug got up and walked over to us. “No fucking way.” He laughed. “You talked him into coming?”

“Twenty bucks,” Corey said. “Pay up.”

“Aw, man. I’ll pay you later.” Doug gave me a quick hug, and muttered, “You all right?”

“Yeah. I’ll be all right.”

“Glad you’re here. You coming out with us?”

“Yeah.”

Stewart glanced over and I met his gaze. He smiled tightly then turned away, leaning down to open the cooler. Angelo strolled over, looking gorgeous in a pale blue tee shirt that matched his eyes. “Hello, Zach.”

“Hi. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. Want a beer?”

“Yeah. Sure, thanks.”

“I got it.”

I looked up, surprised to see Stewart standing there, a beer in his outstretched hand. “Oh. Thanks, Stewart.”

“No problem,” he said, then wandered over to the picnic table where Jairo was pouring shots.

“See,” Corey said to me. “Stewart’s not gonna pummel you. Chill out.”

I chilled out. We all ended up sitting around drinking, and after a time the banter and laughter and mellow reggae music calmed me, and I actually started to enjoy myself. “Who’s driving, by the way?” I asked as Jairo slid a tequila shot in front of me.

“I am,” Angelo said. “I’m not drinking. We’ll take Stewart’s van.”

I snickered. “Really?”

“What?” Angelo said. “Is that funny?”

“I just can’t picture you driving a plumbing van.”

“Hey!” Stewart sat across from me, his dark hair a tangle of wild waves, his nice blue eyes narrowed. “Nothing wrong with my van.”

“Didn’t say there was. It’s just the idea of a psychiatrist driving a plumbing van.”

“Angelo’s not nearly as stuffy these days,” Stewart said. “We’re working on him.”

“I just hope you cleaned it out,” Angelo said. “Last time we took it, the thing smelled like a wet dog.”

“I cleaned it, relax.”

“Yeah, hey Zach,” Corey said. “Stewart wants to get a tattoo. I told him he should get a toilet. What do you think?”

Doug wheezed with laughter. “Corey, stop.”

“Fuck you.” Stewart snickered.

“What?” Corey made innocent eyes. “You said you want to get something deep and personal that represents you. You fix toilets all the time, right?”

“Yeah, funny, Corey,” Stewart said. “Maybe you should get a tattoo. A big picture of your own face to signify what you love most.”

“Ooh!” Doug said.

I snickered.

“What are you laughing at?” Corey bumped his shoulder against mine.

“He’s laughing because he knows you,” Stewart said. “And he agrees with me.”

“Stewart, what are you gonna get then?” Jairo asked. “You really getting a tattoo?”

“Yeah, I want to. I haven’t decided what yet. If it’s gonna be on my skin permanently I want it to be something I love.”

“Get a donut,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

The entire table collapsed into laughter, and Stewart smirked at me, shaking his head. “Thanks, Zach.”

“No, wait,” Corey said. “Doug should get the donut tattoo. Right on his butt, with his asshole in the center so Stewart can eat it.”

This brought more laughter and Stewart rolled his eyes, then took a swill of his beer. “Nice.”

“Corey!” Angelo said. “You always have to take it that one step too far.”

“Always,” Doug said.

Corey nudged me, leaning in. “You thought it was a good idea, right?”

I chuckled. “No comment.”

Eventually we piled into Stewart’s van and headed off to The Horse and Carriage. Stewart sat up front with Angelo, the rest of us in the back. Shadows played across Corey’s face as we shuttled through the city, and I kept getting glimpses of Duncan in his features. I had to look away, but the damage was done. I ached inside. But the guys blabbed on around me about anything and everything, and I knew soon enough I’d be distracted again. Unusual as this outing was, partying with this crew after so long being away was just what I needed tonight.

While it was strange walking into the big open room of The Horse and Carriage, it kind of felt like coming home. It was the same old dimly lit, crowded club with a stage at the back and a bar in the center. The small tables were all full, and groups of people leaned against the walls and chatted while a guy on stage, all done up in zombie makeup with tattered clothing, sang ‘I Fall to Pieces’ by Patsy Cline.

Our crew dispersed a little but remained in the same general area near the bar, and people I knew from the past were popping up all around me. I found myself engaged in conversation and laughter before I knew it, and soon I’d managed to push Duncan somewhat to the back of my mind.

A half hour had passed when Corey appeared at my side and grasped my elbow. “Can you come talk to me a minute?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He led me away from the group I’d been speaking with, and we leaned against the far wall, facing each other. Another flashback hit me. I was pretty sure Corey and I had had a vicious argument once in this very spot. “What’s up?” I asked.

He scratched his head, looking nervous. “You know how at the apartment you told me you didn’t work for Duncan anymore? And that you didn’t want to talk about it?”

My pulse jumped. “Yeah. So?”

Corey clicked his teeth and winced. “It wasn’t because anything bad happened with you two, was it? Like, bad that you wouldn’t want to see him?”

My eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“Because he’s on his way.”

“What? No he’s not. Tell me you’re joking.”

“What the hell happened, Zach? I just talked to him and he didn’t say a word about you.”

“He called you?”

“No, I called him, we have wedding shit planned tomorrow and I wanted to ask him something. He asked where I was and I told him he should come down for a drink. He said he would. But I realized after we hung up he probably doesn’t know you’re here.”

I let out a breath then leaned my back against the wall. “He knows I’m here. Why would he agree to that? He knows I’m out with you tonight.”

“Zachary what the fuck? Did he fire you or something?”

“No!” I turned back to Corey. “He didn’t fire me.”

“So what’s the deal then? Duncan’s a good guy, I can’t imagine he’d do something to freak you out this bad. You look all tweaked. What did he do? Tell me.”

Christ, I couldn’t have Corey thinking Duncan harmed me or did something weird to me. “No, nothing bad. Your uncle’s a great guy, Corey. Duncan’s amazing. I just…things are awkward between us right now. That’s all.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked him to come. I forgot what you said until after we hung up.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you two still…” Corey wrinkled his nose. “You know.”

A laugh bubbled out of me. “Stop making that face. No, I’m not…dating your uncle anymore. As of today.”

“Oh. Shit. I done fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Forget it. I’ll handle it.”

Corey’s eyes narrowed, but a small smirk curved his lips. “Did you dump my uncle, you little shit?”

“You don’t actually want to hear about this, right?”

“The masochist in me kind of does.”

“Look, Duncan and I spent a lot of time together, a lot of time. I really like him. Like…” I shook my head. “Really like him. But he doesn’t consider me boyfriend material. His reluctance got too much for me. So I called it off.”

“You called it off? Really?”

“Yes, Corey. I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m respecting him, and myself, stepping back before I turn into the mad smotherer. Okay? No more questions.”

Corey leaned in close, grinning. “So really? You’re that into Duncan?”

“Why do you seem to be taking delight in this?”

Corey shrugged. “I’m just a little impressed. Go Duncan.”

“Oh fuck off, Corey.”

“I’m sorry.” He chuckled. “Text him or something if you don’t want him coming. Tell him to stay away. I’ll get you a drink, all right? What do you want?”

“Something with gasoline in it.”

“You got it. I’ll be back.”

Soon as he left, I texted Duncan. ‘You’re coming down here? Are you stalking me or something?’

Thirty seconds later my phone bleeped. I huffed a small laugh and shook my head.

‘Yes to both. Be there soon.’

I typed back, ‘Why?’

‘Because Corey asked me to and I’d like to see you.’

I shook my head. “This fucking guy.” Talk about confusing. I texted back, ‘You’re supposed to give someone space after a breakup. You’re old, you should know the rules.’

‘I make my own rules.’

I rolled my eyes and slipped my phone in my pocket. I hated that my heart was delighted, because I was pissed at Duncan about this. This was not him looking out for my feelings. This was not him trying to avoid toying with my emotions. I’d made a stand. I’d been strong. And this move, coming down here where I was? This was him being selfish. A thoughtless asshole. A fucking dick.

“Here, Zach.”

I looked up and scowled at the drink Corey was offering me. It looked like brown sludge. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s a mind-eraser. A double.”

“I don’t want my mind erased.”

“Okay.” Corey shrugged. “I’ll have it then.”

He brought the drink to his lips and drank half of it down. “No!” I said, grabbing it out of his hand. “Give it to me.” I slammed it then winced, coughing.

“Wow.” Corey laughed. “Come on, let’s go rejoin the herd. Doug was looking for you.”

I laughed. “Corey, you’ve got brown sticky stuff on your chin from the drink.”

He swiped his chin with the back of his hand. “Gone?”

“Not completely. You still got a stripe there.”

He shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“It looks like poop, Corey.”

“So what? I don’t care what I look like. Come on, let’s go.”

I followed him. “You don’t care what you look like anymore because you’re getting married,” I said. “Soon you’ll be putting on weight and getting bad skin and not showering for days.”

“If I’m lucky.”

Jairo was on stage badly singing a Katy Perry song. I spotted Doug in the crowd and he waved me over. I hesitated because Stewart stood behind him, leaning on his shoulders affectionately. Doug waved me over again, so I approached. “Hey,” I said.

“What was that about?” Doug asked. “You and Corey telling secrets?”

“Duncan is coming down here.”

“What?” Stewart said, his face scrunching up. “Does he know you’re here?”

“He does.”

“That’s kind of a dick move,” Doug said. “Do you want to leave? I’m sure I can talk everyone into going somewhere else if you want.”

“No. Everyone’s having fun, and Corey won’t go. He asked Duncan to come down for a drink.”

“Oh, what the fuck,” Stewart said. “Why?”

“It’s okay, Corey was not aware of the depths of my Duncan drama. Plus I have to admit I’m curious as to what’s behind Duncan’s audacity.”

“You won’t have to stay curious for long,” Stewart said. “He’s over there with Corey and Angelo.”

I blinked rapidly.

Stewart chuckled. “You’re not even gonna turn around and look?”

“I’m just gon chill here a minute,” I said. “Chill out and look at you guys. I just noticed, you guys are both sooo good-lookin’. Just let me stand here and bask in your dual hotness.”

“Zach.” Doug shook his head. “You can’t avoid him all night. I don’t think he came here to do karaoke. He obviously wants to talk to you.”

Finally, I glanced behind me. Ten feet away, I spotted Duncan standing at the corner of the bar, talking to Corey and Angelo. Christ on a bike. Corey and Angelo were both like super models, but Duncan managed to outshine them. At least to me—a testament to how smitten I was with him.

Duncan wore jeans and a black tee shirt that outlined his physique, and I wanted to punch him, because the fucker knew I liked him in black. He was tanned and gorgeous, brown hair clean and silky, that thin silver chain around his neck. While his nephew blabbed away, Duncan grabbed a cocktail napkin from the bar and wiped the remnants of sticky mind-eraser cocktail off Corey’s chin with it. The action was so sweet and paternal I nearly died where I stood, and forced myself to turn away.

Stewart had slipped his arms around Doug’s waist from behind and was biting his shoulder. “Oh come on you guys,” I said. “Don’t start making out. I need you.”

Stewart looked up and smirked. “Sorry.” His blue eyes flicked to something over my shoulder. “And sorry again, because Duncan’s coming over.”

“Hey, Duncan,” Doug said.

“Hello, guys.” Duncan rested an arm on my shoulder, and my heart began pounding as I looked up at him. “Zach, can I speak with you?”

I looked back to see that Doug and Stewart had already fled, the fuckers. I turned back to Duncan, swallowing hard. His gorgeous eyes were soft and serious as he gazed at me. He raised his eyebrows. “Please, Zach?”

“Okay,” I said. “What is it?”

“Somewhere more private?”

“Where?”

He took my hand and started away. I caught Corey’s gaze through the crowd, his eyes flicking down to where Duncan held my hand, then back up to my face.

“I never took you for someone to make a scene, Duncan,” I said as he led me to a dim corner of the room.

He released my hand and leaned against the wall. “This is hardly a scene, Zach. I only want a moment of your time.”

I could smell his cologne, and my eyes involuntarily scanned his neck and chest, admiring the way the tee shirt accentuated his fit body. My throat tightened, making it harder to breathe. “All right. Let’s talk then. You’ve got all the power, obviously.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, studying me with a frown. “Power? Me? You think this is a good look for me, coming down to ambush you at a nightclub when you’re with your friends? Because I certainly don’t.”

“Then why did you do it? You had to know just seeing you would hurt me.”

He sighed and cast his eyes down. “I don’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry.” He glanced up, took his hands out of his pockets then grabbed me by the hips, pulling me in close. “Will you just listen to what I have to say?”

I inhaled sharply. “That’s not fair,” I whispered. “Touching me like that.”

“I know, Zach,” he said. “I know you’re trying to do what’s right for you, and that I’m not playing fair right now.”

I shivered as his thumbs caressed my hipbones. “Then why?”

“Zach,” he said, his voice low and soft. His brows were pinched, something desperate and vulnerable in his expression.

“What? Duncan, what?”

“Do you have any idea how terrifying you are to me?”

“Terrifying?”

He let out a soft chuckle. “Yes. Fucking terrifying.”

“I didn’t think you were afraid of anything.”

“Neither did I. Until I met you.”

“What are you saying?”

“If I haven’t screwed up too badly already, I’d like to…I’d be willing to try things your way.”

I blinked. “You mean date me exclusively?”

He nodded.

“Duncan…” I shook my head.

“What?” he asked softly, searching my eyes.

“Now I’m gonna feel like I pressured you into it. Because you said no first.”

“You didn’t pressure me into it.” He grabbed my face. “It’s not because of pressure, I promise you. It’s because of how I feel. It’s because of this,” he said, then kissed me.