Chapter
14
~Hammer~
Day one: Mission is active. Nightmare engaged at approximately twenty-two hundred, and by twenty-two forty-two, target was resting comfortably. Primary target is currently asleep in my arms.
Being away from the Regulators’ day to day world for so long has me missing the action. Sure I have checked in, and I still get my cut from the businesses as well as our government black ops stuff, but I miss the focus of having a mission. I miss working together to develop a strategy to be on the winning end of the battle. Well, Drill Sergeant Bust My Balls, my new mission is winning you over.
Nothing has ever seemed to matter more to me before.
She stirs, and I squeeze her shoulders, hoping she will stay beside me. When she sits up, I sigh. Thankfully, she hasn’t put up a fight about me sleeping in here with her. Whether she’s ready to admit it or not, she needs me as much as I need her. We fit, and I’m going to show her just how much. I will be the safe place for her to fall. I will be her partner to carry her burdens. I will be here to chase every nightmare away.
“It’s time to start the day, Ethan.” Her eyes show the determination not to give in to this attraction between us as she pushes off and scurries away to the bathroom. I know she’s using it to hide from me, and it only pushes me harder.
Instead of giving her space, I get up, making my way to the kitchen to beat her to her secondary escape. A few minutes later, she enters the kitchen, the surprise on her face evident.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
Even though I am stiff, I fight back the pain as I move around. My legs burn, but I need her to see me as a whole man who is able to be strong for her.
Her face pales and darkness encroaches in her eyes. “Do. Not. Call. Me. That. Ever.”
I step into her space. “It wasn’t my intention to upset you.” I read the file Screech got for me. I know what the name means. I just didn’t think it would evoke this response.
I know her sister was her best friend, so I was trying to bring back the happy parts of her past. She can’t leave it all tucked away as bad. If that was the case, her sister’s life would be a waste, and no life is worthless. It took time for me to learn that.
Even though my dad is gone, he taught me more in his lifetime than some people ever get from their father’s. Rather than be bitter for the loss, I try to be strong for my mother and brother like he would if he were here. I want her to see that, if Suzie were here, she would still want Desirae to find the sunshine. I just need her to see it.
Her eyes soften. “That’s my sister’s nickname.”
“Talk to me.” I reach out and cup her chin.
“Hammer, let it go.” She tries to pull away from me, obviously using my road name again to try to put emotional distance between us since I won’t let her put physical distance there.
I cage her in against the kitchen counter. “I don’t wanna.” It’s time to man up and give her what I gave her in the dark of night. “You wanna heal me, Desirae.”
I see the recognition in her eyes. She heard me. Well, good, now she’s going to see me as I lay it out to her, eye to eye.
“You wanna heal my broken body, Desirae. I wanna heal your broken soul. I can’t give you your sister back, but I can show you how to live again. We both died a little inside, and together, we can learn to live again.”
She blinks and swallows hard.
An idea hits me. It may not be smart, but it’s what I have in the moment.
“Ride with me?”
Her eyes go wide. “On a motorcycle?”
“Yeah, my legs and hips can handle the vibrations for a short ride. You know not to wiggle. We won’t go long. We can escape together. It’ll be me, you, and the open road.”
Knowing this is crazy and dangerous, she still somehow manages to nod her head.
I drop a quick kiss to her lips then back away so we both can go put on jeans and boots. Then we head out to the elevator where I take her hand in mine, and she doesn’t fight me. I will take this as a win. We are getting somewhere, and we are getting there together.
I remember when I took the stairs every day, and now I can’t imagine making the five flights without being in pain by the end.
The sunlight hits as soon as we exit the building, and there sits my one and only woman, my Harley. I trace my finger over her every curve as I visually inspect the machine. She is black and orange with a custom paint job of a Hammer on the gas tank.
Hopping on, I wave Desirae on behind me. She climbs on like a professional and settles in behind me. Leaning in, I feel her breath on my neck.
“Helmet?”
I smile as I crank the engine and let it come to life under us. “Florida, baby; no helmet law.”
She wraps her arms around me tightly. “You do like to live dangerously, don’t you?”
I laugh. “You have no idea.”
Backing out, I let my hips settle into the seat, molding into the bike. We make the slow ride out of the complex and hit the road. Then I twist the throttle and relax as the wind hits my face, and Desirae holds me with her laughter in my ear.
In my entire life, I have never felt more alive and free than I do in this very moment with her. For the first time since my father died, I can see myself having what he once had with my mom. For years, I walked the edge, not caring if I lived to see another day. I was a soldier. I was trained, did what was commanded, and sent money home. I didn’t live. Sure, I had fun along the way, but I never had my own reason for anything … until the curly-haired, feisty physical therapist came into my life.
I know the ride can’t be too long without putting her in danger, so I choose the roads that will take us in a slow loop with a view of the beach along the way. I hope the view will give Des some of the peace she desperately needs.
We move as one as the beach comes into view, and I hear her gasp. Something tells me this was just what she needed.
It is late afternoon, so the sand is packed with men, women, and children playing in the sand, splashing in the water, and laughing. In this moment, I realize I have gone about everything wrong. I have spent my life running from feeling and being connected to anyone new. Being here with Desirae, I don’t want to have a moment without her. Seeing the crowds of people free to feel, it makes me look at her and all she has lost. This is what I want for her: happiness. I just hope I can show her she can find it with me.
We ride along the stretch of road that parallels the beach for another thirty minutes. Having her settle in behind me, her arms wrapped tightly around me, is peaceful. We need no words between us.
I reach down with my left hand and give her thigh a squeeze. I’m not a man of words, but I am one of action. While some of my actions have pushed her away, I hope she can see I fucked up. I don’t plan to again, though. I want her more, and I want to see where this attraction between us can go.
When I feel the pain building more, I make my way back. I wish I didn’t have to cut this ride so short, but my hips are starting to ache.
Frustration builds as she tries to hide from me in our home the minute we get there. Yes, our home. We share the space, and I find I like it that way.
Standing outside the bathroom, I wait for her to emerge, and when the door opens, she is surprised to find me right there and in her space.
“Baby, I’m the master at pretending, so don’t pretend with me. Don’t pretend you don’t feel something. Don’t pretend the ride didn’t mean something. And don’t pretend you’re not trying to shut it all down right now.”
She looks at the ground, but I tip her chin up with my hand.
“I see something I want, and I’ve never been one to hold back. I feel something I’ve never felt before, and I don’t allow myself to give in to the fear of the unknown. Jump, fly, soar, leap, but baby, don’t fucking hold back for one minute, because life is too damn short and damn sure unfair.”
~Desirae~
He makes me feel too much. On the ride, I found myself letting go and allowing myself to be in the moment with him. Part of me craves the challenge he is and the life we could have together. I lived with the Hellions long enough to know that bikers love long and hard and without holding back.
I see the way he looks at me now. He’s hungry, and there is this emotion in his eyes that I don’t even think he could define for himself yet. I want to give in and let myself have this time with him. I want to see where this can go.
Then a part of me feels like it’s not fair to feel anything at all when my sister can no longer feel things. It’s a conundrum I haven’t figured out yet.
What do you do when you lose the person you loved most in the world? Do you force yourself to dredge through each minute, hour, and day, mourning what you have lost and all the things that can never be? Or do you put the pedal to the metal and live life one hundred miles per hour, basically saying “fuck the brakes”?
The man in front of me makes me yearn for the latter.
Breathlessly, I whisper, “You tempt me.”
“Oh, baby, I’m gonna do more than tempt you.”
He tries to kiss me, but I turn my head away at the last moment.
“Wait. That’s the problem!” I tell him breathlessly.
Pulling his head back, he says, “What problem, woman? The only problem I see right now is that we’re fully clothed and not kissing.”
I grab both sides of his neck, stand on my tip-toes to get eye level with him, and lay out the reality of what this could mean. “You do realize that, if we do this, cross that line, we’re still going to have to live together afterward, right?”
A slow grin spreads across his face. “Of course I do. Why would I have a problem with that?”
Is the man short on marbles or something?
“You go through women the way I go through underwear, Ethan! You’re not just going to be able to toss me aside once we’re done having sex!”
His smile slips away, followed by a determined expression. “You’re the first woman I’ve never wanted to toss out of my bed, Des. The first woman who’s ever captured more of my interest besides what’s below my belt. And as far as I’m concerned, you staying here with me after I’ve tasted you just means I get to spend more time getting to know you in every way a man can know a woman.” His hands tighten on my body as he bends his head down until I feel him skim his lips over my cheek, working his way to the shell of my ear. “I’m not exactly good with words, so how about I prove to you that actions speak louder?” he whispers before nibbling my ear. Then his lips crash down on mine.
His kiss is the essence of vitality. Against my will, I feel pieces of me on the inside come back to life with a vengeance. His tongue delves into my mouth, and it makes me hungry for more of him. I shouldn’t give up this easily. I should slam my barriers back into place somehow and walk away. But I’m so tired of feeling dead on the inside. Even if it is just for a short while, I want to live … to feel … to experience something good in life instead of drowning in the bad.
This man is my temporary life jacket. I’m going to take what he so obviously wants to give me for a few hours so I can feel more than dead on the inside.
Letting my desires drive me, I reach up and grab both sides of his neck. I can feel his heartbeat thumping wildly against my hands, and it invigorates me.
I thrust my tongue in his mouth and revel in his taste. We are breathing each other’s air, pressed so tightly together we are molding into one being, and God do I want to fall into this man and not come out.
His hands slide down to my hips, pulling me with him as he takes slow, careful steps back into the living room. Before I know it, he stops, and I pull my lips from his to take a much-needed breathe and see where he has led us.
To the couch.
The backs of his knees are touching the leather, but he doesn’t move to sit down. Not yet, at least. He reaches up under the hem of my T-shirt and grabs the material, slowly pulling it up and off. Then he drops it on the floor and moves his gaze back down to stare at what he has bared.
My breathing is a bit frenzied, pushing my breasts against the cups of my black silk demi bra, my nipples almost popping out altogether. Ethan raises one of his fists and gently runs his knuckles over the swell, leaving goose bumps in his wake. Then both hands glide across my ribs just underneath my breasts, and he trails his fingers down my abdomen to the button of my jeans.
Suddenly, he jerks his head up, and his eyes clash with my own. There is a question in them: do I stop?
Hell no, I don’t want him to stop.
My teeth nibble my bottom lip as I take one of my hands and undo the button of my jeans for him, giving him my unspoken answer that I’m ready for what it is he wants to give me.
God, I am so fucking ready.
The side of his lips tilt up as he unzips my jeans before sliding his hands down into them and down my hips, dragging the rough denim material until I can feel his fingers gliding down my legs.
He tickles the backs of my knees, and I can’t help giggling. His half-grin spreads into a full smile, and the sight warms something a whole lot higher in my chest that I probably shouldn’t allow to get involved in this.
Oh, well.
Ethan slides the jeans off my legs, lifting one foot at a time until I’m standing in nothing except the black thong that matches my bra. Still crouched in front of me, he isn’t looking at my panties, but at my face. There is something there I can’t read, or maybe I just don’t want to acknowledge it. It’s more than a desire. Possession?
It’s not safe for any man to want me.
My doubts creep back in.
When I try to take a step back, his hands stop me by grabbing the backs of my knees.
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this, Ethan. I’m not exactly little, and I don’t wanna hurt you.” Even to my own ears, I can hear the words as a feeble excuse to get away.
“Babe, there’s not enough of you to hurt me. But so you’ll feel better, I’ll make a deal. I’ll let you ride me a little while so I don’t overdo it, but then I’m gonna flip you over and ride you.”
Good gravy. I’m pretty sure, after that statement, he will be able to see the wet spot on my panties. As badly as I want him, though, I still have to make sure he wants this as much as I do.
“You know this will complicate things between us, right?”
He smooths his hands up the backs of my legs until he is gripping my ass. Leaning forward, he kisses the spot above my belly button before resting his chin on my tummy, looking up at me through the valley of my breasts.
“Life is complicated, sugar. It’s supposed to be. If it were easy, then the good moments—like this one between us—wouldn’t taste so damn sweet. So stop worrying about what is or isn’t gonna happen and let me make you feel good. You need it as much as I want it. I won’t lie, though; I’m hoping you want it as much as you need it.”
Hell yeah, I do.
When a huge smile spreads across his face, I realize I said those words out loud. I blush, but he ignores my embarrassment and takes the statement as his green light to pull my panties down my legs. After he pulls them off, he runs his hands back up my body until he is holding my bare hips. Then he relaxes back on the couch, spreading his legs apart and pulling me between them.
Ethan then slowly leans forward and skims his lips from one hip bone to the other, placing little kisses along the way, stopping only to lick around my belly button. Then he turns his head slightly to the side and starts nibbling on my flesh as he works his way down to the crease of the top of my thigh, moving closer and closer to the bare flesh of my center.
I’m not sure how much longer I can take this exquisite torture before I push him back and take what I want. It’s like he knows he has me on a desperate edge, because he stops just short of touching my oversensitive flesh and blows a puff of air on my clit, making me moan, needy for more.
Glancing up, he orders in a husky voice, “Take off your bra and play with those pretty nipples. I wanna watch my woman give me a show while I lick her pussy.”
I’m not as confident in the bedroom as I am in my professional life. Still, I do what he tells me to, albeit shyly. Maybe hearing him call me his woman is what gives me the courage to play with myself while he watches. Running my fingers over my tightly beaded points, I watch as he leans forward, never taking his eyes from mine as he licks me. I can’t help the moan that escapes me as I throw my head back. The sensation of his tongue moving over my tender flesh feels so good.
“Look back down here. I wanna see your eyes while I eat you.”
I follow his directive, tipping my chin back down to face him, and he goes back to licking me. It takes everything in me not to close my eyes and just enjoy his tongue. I quickly realize it’s hotter to watch him taste me, his tongue pushing between my lips while I pinch my own nipples. Then he moves his tongue in a wicked dance over my clit while sliding one and then two fingers inside of me. It doesn’t take long for the rising tsunami of release to crash over me, submerging me in so much sensation I feel like every nerve in my body has come alive.
After giving me one last lick, Ethan leans back, pulls his wallet from his jeans, and sets it down on the couch next to him. Then he spreads his legs again, just a little wider, and tells me to kneel between them. Something inside me clicks, and I realize, even though I give the orders while I’m working, I like that he is giving the orders right now. He knows exactly what he wants, and he is not afraid to tell me to do it.
Kneeling between his legs, I smooth my hands over the denim on his thighs until I reach the button of his jeans.
He tangles both of his hands in my hair and pulls me forward until our lips are brushing then murmurs, “I want you to taste yourself on my lips. Then you’re gonna taste me, sugar. Get me nice and hard so you can climb on my lap and ride me like you’re gonna die if you don’t. When I’m ready, I’ll roll you over and show you how I need your pussy as much as I need my next breath. Got it?”
I can’t speak, so I nod, instead.
“Good,” he answers gruffly. “Get to it, sugar.”
That’s exactly what I do. I carefully pull the zipper over his bulging erection, rip his pants open, and then use both my hands to grab the waistband of both his jeans and his boxers and pull them down until they are stuck on his boots. I don’t mean to, but the sight makes me laugh.
“You shouldn’t laugh at a man when he’s showing you his dick.”
Looking back up, my laughter stops as soon as I see said dick. That baby is no laughing matter. It is big, throbbing, and beautiful, something I have never thought about a man’s penis before. His is thick, long, and going to stretch me in the most wonderful of ways.
I would rip his boots and pants off, but I don’t want to accidentally hurt him by doing so. Quickly but gingerly, I slips off his boots and the rest of his clothes until he is naked from the waist down.
Leaning down, I kiss up the inside of his thigh until I’m right next to what I want most. Then I skip over it, torturing both of us. I want to make this moment last as long as I can.
I kiss back down the inside of his other thigh before giving him a playful bite on his knee.
“Watch it, woman. You bite me, and I’ll bite you back.”
I smile at the warning as I slowly peel his cut off then tear his shirt over his head. He laughs at my enthusiasm, but he quiets back down when I slide my lips over the head of his cock and all the way down to the base. Then he groans.
He fills my mouth until my lips sting at the corners from being stretched so wide. I let my tongue dance over his skin, tasting him, licking him up and down, moving my mouth over him in tandem with my hand. I do exactly what he told me to. I’m making sure he is ready for me to ride him. I need to feel him moving inside of me, filling up my empty places.
His hand tangles in my hair, stopping me from taking him back down to his root again, and pulls me off.
“I don’t want this to be over before it’s really gotten started, sugar.” He pulls a condom out of his wallet, tears the package open, and rolls the latex down his cock. Then beckons me to climb on top of him with a wiggle of his finger.
Holding his cock steady, I straddle his hips and rub myself against the head, a little tease for us both. Ethan gives me a sharp slap on the ass, and I know he wants me to stop playing around.
Sliding myself down his length, I’m filled to completion. So full. So right. Better than I have ever felt in my entire life. It’s a thought I don’t want to analyze, so I give in to the need to just feel and keep moving. Up, down, up, and down again, I ride him, impaling myself on his flesh and unknowingly letting him into far more than my body.
He doesn’t take his eyes off mine. His face is intent, as if there is nothing else in the world except the two of us.
A man shouldn’t be beautiful, but to me, he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen—hungry like a predator, his hands holding on to me as if he never wants to let me go. Part of me doesn’t want him to. Part of me wants to stay in this moment, filled to overflowing with him without the threat of emptiness ever again.
As a second orgasm starts to build up—something that has never happened for me before—my movements become jerky and uncoordinated. Ethan doesn’t let that last long.
Pushing me onto my back, he rolls on top of me, reentering me with a heavy thrust and a punishing rhythm I’m going to feel for days, which is probably exactly what he wants. I sure as hell am not going to complain.
He surrounds me. All I see is Ethan. All I can smell is his natural scent of musk, man, and our combined lust. His groans become a primal music to my ears, and all I want to do is hear more.
As he leads me into my second climax, I explode in a release so strong there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I have never felt more alive. I can’t imagine anyone else making me feel this much.
His thrusts quicken, and I find myself arching up to press my hips into his, trying to give him all of me. He grabs my left hand and laces our fingers together, pinning it to the armrest above my head, squeezing my fingers every bit as much as my thighs are squeezing his waist. My brown eyes lock on his blue, losing myself in those depths as he loses himself inside me.
He slams into me several more times before he gives a long moan, his cock jerking inside of me as he comes then semi-collapses on top of me. He’s not smothering me, but he is caging me in, his forehead resting on mine as our frantic breaths mingle.
I should feel trapped from being pinned like this, yet I don’t. I feel safe, wanted, perhaps even some other complicated emotion I have never felt with a man before. Cherished?
“I’ve gotta say, our kind of complicated feels good as hell.”
I won’t admit it, but I agree. It feels better than anything else I have ever felt before.
Eventually, Ethan gets up to throw away the condom, ordering me not to move from the couch. Not bothering to get dressed, he comes back, rolls me to my side and slides behind. One of his arms pillows my head, and his other is slung over my waist as he slowly caresses my tummy. He slings his top leg over mine, pinning me from head to toe, then orders me to “Go to sleep”.
Little does he know, he really didn’t need to give that order. I’m already halfway there. I’m so sated by our lovemaking I don’t want to move a muscle.
Just as I’m about to slip into the comforting darkness of sleep, I hear him mutter the strangest thing.
“At least I’m not jealous of my fuckin’ couch anymore.”