Yasmine

 

Victor and Cindy meant well, but I’d bought another self-help book. It explained that the prerequisite to success was uncertainty. Being that I was usually unsure of everything, I found strength in those words.

Just because I don’t know what would happen to Hawk and me, doesn’t mean I should avoid him.

For the next two days, I modeled for Hawk.

Cindy told me she’d seen him one night, but he never made any mention of it. She’d also gave me the painting, but when I brought it up, Hawk seemed uneasy. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to talk about it and, so I left the topic alone.

In those sessions, he seemed on edge and more intense. He began to get lost in the process, studying me and then coloring his canvas, mixing colors and then telling me cool facts about artists. He played jazz the whole time, usually with a saxophone riding a slow beat.

I hadn’t gone nude yet. Instead, I compromised with swimsuits—a candy apple red beaded one in the first session and a creamy white crocheted set for the second. Both times I could’ve sworn he moaned as I lay in front of him.

Surely, my body hummed with desire, partly wishing he’d touch me. But then on the other side, I wanted to keep us as friends. This wasn’t supposed to be about sex. He’d been through hell. I just wanted to show him heaven.

I hoped the painting really helped him heal. These moments were making me feel better. As he watched me, I felt more confident, more beautiful, ready to start a new life.

Both days, he gave me a gift. On the first day, he handed me a laptop with red ribbon wrapped around it. I refused to take it. Later that day, he professionally delivered it to my room.

The next session, he gave me a long necklace with an elaborate pendant. It was silver with a tree that stood inside of a circle. Rainbow colored stones sat on the pendant’s branches. Hawk explained that each stone was supposed to have spiritual and physical healing powers. I loved it. Although it appeared he didn’t believe in that stuff, he’d given me something that was important to me. I must’ve lain in bed and fingered that pendant the whole night.

During both sessions, he never brought up his proposition again or asked me for an answer. I was glad because I didn’t have much of one. Each moment, I went back and forth. I was scared to try and even more fearful not to give him a chance.

Could a fling with him be just what I needed to move on? I’d never had one before, but then, maybe that was my problem. I took love and relationships too seriously, never taking any risks, always trying to be careful, and still my heart had been broken many times.

Maybe there’s no reason to be so careful. Perhaps, I just need to act on my desires and then see where that takes me.

Today was our third session. I walked inside with a polar bear-white fur coat on and a new bikini underneath. My dreadlocks were up in a ponytail.

He turned my way. “You look like you’re about to be naughty.”

I held the coat closed. “What made you say that?”

“The wicked grin on your face.” He looked at my hands as they kept the fur closed. “Let me see what you’re wearing today.”

“It’s different from my usual swimsuit.”

“How?”

“Very BDSM sexy.” I clawed the air in front of me and snarled like a cat. “You said that you wanted to try something new.”

“I did.” He slipped his thumb up and down the paint brush and for a few seconds, I imagined his fingers on me.

I looked away. “Are you ready?”

“Always.”

I opened the coat. It dropped to the floor. The cool breeze coming through the window brushed against my skin. Silent, he stood there and paused from touching his paintbrush. His attention remained on me.

“Well?” I leaned my weight on one foot suddenly feeling uncomfortable. I thought I looked good, but I wasn’t used to flaunting myself. I preferred lingering in the background when it came to people prancing around and showing off.

“Really, Hawk?” I frowned. “You’re not going to say anything?”

I looked down at the bikini. The set had come from a luxury lingerie brand. I’d ordered it after our first session and paid extra for two-day delivery. The bikini had gems at the top that formed into a choker around my neck. Removable chained beads swooped around my cleavage and held up the soft material covering my breasts. The bottom was barely there, a tiny upside-down triangle covered in gems. I knew from the moment I bought it that I was flirting with him. It made me wet just thinking of his possible reaction.

I sighed. “I could put something else on.”

“No.”

I raised my eyebrows. “No?”

He walked over and stood right in front of me. My heartbeat sped up.

I looked at him. “What do you want me to do?”

He raised his hands and pulled my hair out of the ponytail. My dreadlocks fell around me, spilling along my shoulders and tickling the center of my back. With one hand, he tossed the dreadlocks over one of my shoulders and exposed bare skin. “I’ve been being good.” He slipped his fingers along the line of my chin and then circled my lips. “Are you trying to taunt me?”

“No.”

“Lie.”

I smiled and turned away.

He brought my view back to him. “I haven’t asked you about your answer yet.”

“You haven’t.”

“And?”

“I’m still not sure.”

“You’re scared?”

“I am.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“You couldn’t guarantee that.”

He ran his fingers through my dreadlocks. “Let’s try something different today.”

“Okay.”

He twirled a dreadlock around his finger. “Do you think you would be open to letting me paint you naked?”

My heart drummed in my chest, an erratic beat a tribesman would play deep in the Amazon jungle. A song for the gods to wake up in the sky and descend onto to earth. Part excitement, part fear, and a whole lot of hunger for sex rising in the tempo.

“Y-yes, of...course.” I stirred.

He didn’t look at me as he picked up a paintbrush from the table. “Will it be a problem? We don’t have to—”

“No.” I swallowed. “It’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” He backed away. “Get comfortable.”

Had I not been so terrified and turned on at the same time, I would’ve said thank you. But all my focus was on taking off the new bikini I’d bought for him.

I undid the choker part of the top and slipped it over my head. Heat spread up my neck. Hunger filled his gaze as he studied my breasts. My top fell to the floor.

“Don’t stare,” I whispered.

“I can’t help myself.”

I covered my breasts with my arms.  “Okay. Give me a minute.”

Smiling, Hawk walked away and lifted the windows in his studio as if hoping the cool ocean breeze coming in would stiffen my nipples. And it did. My nipples perked up from the breeze.

“Hold on.” He went to the studio door, locked it, and then he turned my way. “Proceed.”

I gave him a nervous smile.

He laughed. “I love that you’re nervous. I’m not used to seeing you that way.”

Not ready to be fully naked yet, I hooked my fingers under the beaded strings on my hips.

He hissed, but said nothing. He just gripped the paint brush in his hand and kept his view on my thighs. There was a bold appreciation in his stare. The longer he studied me, the more my body awakened. Lust curled between my thighs.

His voice swam in seduction. “And the bottoms.”

Every inch of me swelled with desire. In a few more seconds of his gaze and my overactive imagination, I wouldn’t need to take my panties off. They’d be melting away by themselves.

Was there anything hotter than having Hawk’s attention all on me? I hoped I would never find out because that thing would be dangerous. He was already too much. Yet I was here, not heading the warnings or red flags, and craving his touch.

Slowly, I took off the bikini bottoms and lay on the couch.

He didn’t move. With heat in his eyes, he continued to grip the paintbrush and study me. “I’m sorry about a few nights ago.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“I rubbed my cock in front of you like a crazy man.”

“Oh.” I cleared my throat. “That.”

“Yes.”

“Forget about it,” I said. “You didn’t take it out and we’re both crazy anyway.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because maybe we like each other, but are too broken to figure out a healthy way to be together.”

He raked his fingers through his hair. “We’re not a romance novel, Yaz. This is reality. You and me. I’m not the hero. I’m the bad guy.”

“Oh yes, I forgot.” I got more comfortable on the couch. “Well, then I guess all I’ll be getting today is my image painted.”

He didn’t move as he drank me in. “What else do you want?”

“I want to get to know you, and I want you to get to know me.”

He smiled. “And what would happen then? We fall in love and dance out into the sunset?”

“It’s actually ‘ride’ out into the sunset. You’re pretty bad with happy endings.”

“I’ve been trying to tell you that since we first met.”

“You’re not even trying to see it any other way.”

“Because there’s an art to being empty.”

“And you’ve got it down?”

“Exactly.” He walked closer to the couch. “Let me give you another proposition.”

I giggled. “This should be good. You’re always so intense with your propositions.”

“Am I?” He leaped onto the couch. I shrieked and cracked up with laughter.

He lay right next to me, but didn’t touch me. Still, that damn paintbrush remained in his hand and I wanted him gripping my ass instead. “I can’t give you love, but I can give you a committed friendship where I will always be there for you.”

“That’s love.”

“It’s not.”

“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes.

“I could give you honesty. I would never lie to you. I would never try to harm you—”

“That’s love too.”

“Stop interrupting me.”

“Fine.”

“I can’t give you a relationship, but I won’t spend time with or fuck anybody else while we are...”

“Dating,” I said.

“We’re not dating.”

“Well, I’m no one’s side chick.”

“There won’t be any other woman for you to be on the side. I just don’t want a girlfriend or wife.”

“Just sex and friendship?”

“Yes. And your body. I want to taste you. I want to lick you right here.” He took his paintbrush and painted an invisible arrow on my thigh that pointed at my sex. “I want that too.”

I’d still been focused on that paintbrush as I caught my breath. “Yes, I want that also.”

“Can I have you?”

“No.”

His face shifted from sex to rage within seconds. It didn’t scare me, but it damn sure made me feel powerful knowing how much my saying no affected him. It made me think that I wasn’t just some fun chick to fuck and leave. He glared at me as if I was his only salvation and gritted his teeth. “No?”

“No. You can’t have me, but I am interested in a one-time fling. One moment of sex. That’s it.”

He frowned. “I want more than one time.”

“How do you know? I could suck.”

“I doubt it.”

I grinned.

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” he asked.

“Enjoying what?”

“Making me beg.”

“Is this what you call begging?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Then, you suck at begging.”

“Spread your legs.”

All the courage I’d had in our conversation left in that moment. “What?”

“I only get one time, right?”

My voice went low. “Yes.”

“Then I’ll spend my one time tasting you.”

“You’re...you’re just saying that.”

“I’m not.”

He painted swirls on my thighs, stared at me. Several intense seconds moved by. My body burned with desire. And then, he kissed me. His tongue explored my mouth, delivering warm lust to the space between my thighs. I moaned against his lips.

“Yaz,” he whispered and kissed me some more, running his fingers through my hair. “It scares me how much I want you.”

“Why?”

 He slipped his hands along my thighs. “Because, it’s hard to not fuse sex with emotion.” He pulled me closer to him. “I don’t want more than sex.”

I moved away. “And all I want is more.”

He said nothing.

I held an invisible microphone in front of his face. “Your response?”

He cleared his throat. “Well...”

I smiled. “You don’t have to answer.”

“Yes, I do. You’re naked and in front of me. At this point, I’ll answer anything you want to know.” He kissed me. “Why haven’t you answered me yet? It’s been two days.”

“I’ve still been going over it all.”

“Then, let me help. I haven’t dated since I’ve met you.” Hawk slipped his hands along my arm. Lust sparked where he touched. My nipples hardened. Another moan fled my lips. I craved him so bad, I needed him instantly moving inside of me.

 “I haven’t been with any other women since I laid eyes on you. I haven’t gone on a date with anyone else.” He toyed with my nipples. “I haven’t talked to anyone.” He squeezed one hungry point and I went wet between my thighs. “I’ve only spent all my free time with you.” He kissed me, devouring my mouth, and I writhed under his lips’ caresses. “I know what would help.”

Catching my breath, I asked, “What?"

“You should get a sample of what I’m talking about.” He pulled away. Hunger blazed in his eyes. “Can I taste you?”

My heart boomed in my chest. I didn’t want to be scared or responsible. I just wanted his mouth on me.

“Yaz?” he whispered. “Can I taste you?”

I pushed all logic away and risked it all. “Yes, please.”

He took his time, sliding down my legs, inch by inch, driving me crazy. And when he finally completed his mission and I lay bare in front of him, he licked his lips and swooped down to devour me.

Oh my God.

He was more than a skilled lover, he’d mastered the game. He could teach a class and hold a seminar.

“Oh, Hawk.” When I closed my eyes, it was like he had several hands. He caressed my body everywhere, squeezing and massaging. I blazed in hot lust. He nibbled. He bit. He lapped and licked, and I went wet and hungry for him, begging, “Please, Hawk, please.”

Such a tease, he positioned his fingers between my trembling thighs and whispered, “What do you want, Yaz?”

“You. Inside me. On me. Making love to me.”

“Oh, Yaz, I’m going to do everything to make sure we work. Your voice. The softness of your skin. Your smart little mouth. You keep me hard. You keep me spilling pre-cum in my pants and stroking the tip, when I lay in bed at night.”

Shivers of pleasure passed through my body.

“Spread your legs,” he whispered and then captured my nipple. “Tell me what you want,”

“Lick me.”

“Where?”

“All over my pussy.”

Fire blazed in his eyes. “That’s it?”

“My clit, please. And stick your tongue inside of me. Lick me. Suck on me.”

“Please.”

He lowered. What came next was his hot mouth tugging my clit, encasing the throbbing bud in pure pleasure. His tongue toyed with it and then followed my pleas by going deeper inside of me. His tongue and finger play were wicked, something inspired by the devil himself. Nothing heavenly could trigger such twisted, hot pleasure.

My breasts swelled and craved his attention. I touched them for him, not wanting Hawk to stop that magic of his mouth.

And then his fingers were inside me, touching and teasing, piercing and caressing. He found my spot and I moaned so loud I was sure my sister’s guests heard me outside on the beach.

“Aww. Do you like when I touch this sensitive spot?” He caressed it again with the soft padding of his fingers. I writhed under him. He played with the area again with his finger and lapped at my clit with his tongue. “You tell me you want a one-time fling and I say, we’ve just begun.”

He caressed the spot some more, over and over. Aching pressure rose and tingled through me. The simple touch was mind-blowing.

He flicked my clit, then stroked my sex with his fingers. I tried to touch his pants and rub his cock, but he moved my hand away. “No, I’m doing the convincing.”

He plucked at my clit. Hunger throbbed through my body. Something inside of me shifted. My body began to climb higher and higher.

“This is what I want to give to you. Anytime you want it.”

I moaned in satisfaction.

“And no other man can touch you.” He plucked at my clit again and then penetrated my sex with two fingers. 

“Hawk.” Grabbing the couch pillows with both hands, I arched up and rocked into his fingers.

“How many times do I get to fuck you?”

“Oh, Hawk.”

“No, that’s not an answer.” He removed his fingers, lowered, and just when I was about to protest and beg for him to return, he slid his tongue through my sex. The whole throbbing slit. The whole space between my thighs. Every inch, he licked. Places that men had never licked on me. By the end, my body was shaking and throbbing and he knew my pussy better than I did. I bet he could draw an image from memory.

And then, he rose and unbuckled his pants.

My chest rose and fell like I’d been running.

He unzipped and opened them. Wearing nothing under it, he freed his cock—this huge pulsating monster in his hands—and stroked himself, from the tip to his balls. Pre-cum dripped from the point. I almost forgot to breathe.

With his free hand, he sucked on his fingers—the ones that had just been inside of me. He licked them and groaned. “How many times do I get to fuck you?”

I panted. “Whenever the hell you want to.”

“Good. I love that answer.” And then he stopped, removed his hands, and looked at me. “So, is that a yes?”

“What?” I panted.

“I have you for as long as we stay here.”

“What? No. I mean. I don’t know.” I squirmed, wanting his hands back on me. “Can we talk about this later?”

“You just said that I could have you anytime.”

“Of course, I did. You’re close to making me come.”

“And you say anything when you’re close to orgasm?”

“Yes,” I muttered.

Again, he licked the finger that had been inside of me. “Fuck, Yaz. I can’t just taste a little and then hear you say no a day later. I want an answer right now, and I want it to be yes, and then I want my dick inside of you seconds later.”

I blinked.

Silence hit us again. The mood left. Not the horniness, but the overall excitement disappeared. We were both at a standstill going around in circles. He was right. I had to put my foot down and stop dragging along.

Letting out a long breath, he put his cock away. “I think it’s pretty clear that we want to have sex. It’s just all the things that happen afterwards.”

“I...already like you. Each time I’m with you, I want to spend more time with you.” My hormones raged through my body. Surely, my sex felt like I’d betrayed her. “I like you a lot and I wouldn’t want to walk into anything sexual with you without knowing that you wouldn’t...”

“What, Yaz?”

“Hurt me.” I frowned. “Can you really promise that? If you can, I would consider it. You said you’ve done this kind of thing before. Have you ever broken anyone’s heart?”

“Yes,” he said through clenched teeth.

“O-kay. But...were there others, besides the one person’s heart you broke?”

“Yes.” He wore a pained expression.

“And were they broken-hearted too?”

“Yes.”

“Are you kidding me?” I rose and covered my breasts.

“It could be different for us. We’re friends.”

“Or it would make me fall even deeper, Hawk. Did you ever love any of these women?”

“No.”

“Not one?”

“No. After my...ex, I won’t even consider opening up my heart for anyone.”

I blinked. “And now your heart is safely tucked away in some elaborate safe?”

“Yes.”

“But...” I decided to just say what I had to say. I was already naked. He’d already had his fingers inside of me. What would I have to lose? “Maybe, you could unlock that safe and at least consider opening your heart to me. What do you think?”

The fire weakened in his gaze. It hurt to watch it. This cold darkness fell upon him, changing his expression. His whole face—the whole moment—went hard and tense. The boy I knew as Hawkins no longer lay on my couch.

It was now Hawk. And he looked like a man that could not be changed. Even worse, he looked like a man that would never consider love.

“No, Cherry Bomb.” The nickname sounded wrong coming from this masked man.

“No, what?”

“No, I won’t consider it.”

My already damaged heart broke in that moment. “You won’t even try?” I asked. “I’m not asking you to marry me or even be my boyfriend. I’m just saying—”

“You’re right. This was a mistake. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t even be trying this with you.”

“But—”

“You’re my friend. I shouldn’t be trying to fuck you. I shouldn’t be...dirtying up the one good thing in my life.”

I sighed. “Maybe, you’re right.”

He formed fists on the sides of his legs, but said nothing.

“In fact, I should go.” I grabbed a pillow and covered my chest. “I feel like we’re traveling the wrong way down a one-way street and if we keep this up, we won’t just be lost, we’ll crash and burn.”

He remained silent, making me think that he agreed. It was embarrassing to rise naked and pick up my things. I felt so stupid and confused.

Why not just fuck him?

I couldn’t think of anything else in those seconds, but something in my heart said no. Even worse, his past relationship history didn’t sound good. I didn’t like my odds for not getting hurt.

I wrapped myself in the fur I’d worn earlier. “So...goodbye. I’ll leave the coat in the changing room.”

“Take that one too.”

“No, thank you. Besides, I live in Cali. I won’t need two furs.”

“Okay.” He let out a long breath and rolled over on his back. “We should stop the painting sessions too. It’s fun, but my dick is always in pain afterwards.”

“Okay. Maybe, that’s a good thing.” I put my back to him.

It took me no time to change. I drowned in embarrassment and confusion.

I didn’t even say goodbye to Vera as I hurried out of there, walking fast from Hawk’s house to Dolphin View.

Well...that sucked gigantic balls.

Inside Dolphin View, chaos and the sound of plates shattering greeted me. It appeared that my favorite couple—the blonde woman and dark-haired man—were also guests of my sister’s place. A crowd stood around them as Blondie picked up a plate from the dining table and slung it her dark-haired lover. With great reflexes, he ducked. The plate crashed into the wall behind him.

Cindy launched for the woman. “Okay. Okay. Calm down.”

“Give her some space.” Victor gestured for the man to get out of there.

“I hate you!” Blondie screamed, fell to the ground, and cried. “I wish I never fucking met you!”

And all the guests whispered and shook their heads.

I spent the rest of the night cleaning up Blondie’s mess. Lobster dripped from the chandelier, spinach covered one of the walls, and then there were all the shattered pieces of fine china scattered all over the carpet. Knowing my sister, Blondie would get a big bill for all of this.

Meanwhile, Blondie should consider entering herself in a throwing contest. She has an arm on her.

Victor and Cindy spent the rest of the evening trying to get control of the couple. The men—Victor and Dark-Hair—calmly talked in the living room, both smoking a cigar and sipping brandy. Outside on the deck, Cindy rocked a crying Blondie in her arms.

Maybe Hawk has a point. Perhaps we all should stop trying to love and just fuck the pain away.