Chapter 18
Hawk
The next day, I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked around wildly, unsure of where I was, and then relief flooded my heart as Yaz lay next to me, warm and sleeping.
Last night, my reoccurring nightmare had haunted me—the cage made of bones, Lisa cackling outside of it, the cold freezing me, the pain from her cutting my skin. The women crying blood as severed testicles dangled behind them.
Shaking, I rose and slipped out of bed, happy that Yaz didn’t have to console me. It wasn’t fair to depend on her so much. I wasn’t used to it. Lisa had never been the warm type. I guessed that was another red flag. Or maybe Yaz was just one of a kind.
What are we doing?
Before leaving my bedroom, I glanced over my shoulder at her. She was breathtaking curled up under my silk sheets. Those red dreadlocks were sprawled all over her pillow. Part of me wanted to rush over and make love to her. The other part of me was scared I’d break her.
Would this toxicity rub off on her? Would it seep into her pores and poison all the beautiful things about my Cherry Bomb?
I went to the window. The sun had barely risen over the ocean, but the birds were out. White herons hovered and hunted over the sand while clear blue waves crashed into each other. It was the same view that I saw everyday since I’d been back on the Keys.
But for some reason, today, it all appeared more breathtaking. More enchanting and new. That should’ve calmed me, but instead, anxiety coursed through my veins, tightening every muscle. My body drummed with unease and switched on high alert.
As I walked to my brother’s room, I kept checking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to jump out of the shadows.
What’s up with me?
I knocked on Brett’s door. A woman’s voice sounded from the other side. Knowing my brother, there were probably two females in there. Since coming down, he’d decided that one woman at a time wasn’t enough. Now, he expected both arms to be full of gorgeous bodies when he stepped out.
If Mom had been here, she would’ve gone ballistic over his audacity. Still, women swarmed around him, following his rules.
Wake up, Brett.
I knocked again.
Brett asked from the other side, “Who is it?”
“Hawk.”
“Give me a minute.”
It actually took him five minutes and then he opened the door. I peeked in and encountered three women passed out on his bed and another sleeping on the floor.
He yawned, stretching his arms in the air. “What’s up?”
“Four chicks?”
“It’s a fivesome.”
“That has to be a record.”
“Not really.” He rubbed his eyes. “And that’s because I don’t even remember it. I’m hoping I can convince them to do it again.”
“Slow down.”
“I know. I know. I don’t want to catch the Key Disease.” He cracked his neck on the right and then left. “What’s going on? Why are are you up so early?”
“I wanted to tell you to stop.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Stop what?”
“All of your behind the back manuerving.”
He frowned. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I know you paid Nadia to sleep with Yaz’s ex.”
“Oh. That.” He shrugged. “You’re welcome.”
“No, it’s not your welcome. Don’t do that shit again.”
He grimaced. “Fine.”
“I’m serious.”
He raised his hands. “Okay.”
I couldn’t help it and smiled. “But yeah, thank you for doing that.”
“Always.”
I frowned.
“Well, I won’t do it anymore.”
“And you have to stop everything else.”
“Everything like what? I’m innocent.”
“I know that you faked the letters too.”
“Fuck. Olessia told you?”
“Her name is Olivia and no, she didn’t tell me. I figured it out.”
“So, what does this mean?”
“Nothing. I know why you did it. You want me to get off the accomplice angle. I promised Yaz I would drop it and I’m telling you I’ll leave it alone too.”
Brett let out a long breath. “Fuck, Hawk. You’re serious?”
“Yes.”
He grabbed me into a bear hug. “You’re welcome.”
I pushed him off me. “No, man. Don’t do that shit. I’m crazy. That’s shit crazy. Together, it would’ve had me doing even more crazy shit.”
“But, it worked out.”
“Look. I almost thought you might’ve been helping Lisa.”
“What?”
“I got paranoid. That shit fucked with my mind.” I tapped my head. “I’m me, but I’m not. Do you understand?”
Brett stepped back and leaned against the wall.
“You don’t have to be careful all the time, but doing creepy shit around me will put me on a dark path.”
“It wasn’t that creepy.”
“Don’t do it again.”
He nodded. “I won’t. I’m just glad that it all worked it.”
“It’s working out.”
“It worked out. Yaz and you are together.”
“Yaz and I...” I sighed and looked over my shoulder. “I don’t know. I’m falling for her.”
“Then, what’s the problem?”
“I don’t like falling anymore. I don’t think I’ll make it when I hit the ground.”
“Then, don’t hit the ground.”
“I’ll try.” I rubbed my face with both hands and headed back to my room. “And you stop being a fucking love bird. Get some rest and make sure you wear condoms.”
He laughed behind me. “Yes, Father.”
Hours later, Yaz woke up to me bringing her breakfast. Vera had called in sick, but I’d heard gun shots behind her and her munching on popcorn. It was some TV show. Knowing that she had a new addiction to binge watching netflix shows, I didn’t push the lie. Who was I to question Vera if she needed a day of rest? She’d raised me and was practically a second mother. However, I laughed, told her to feel better, and whipped up some eggs and toast for Yaz and me.
While Mom was big on art, Dad loved being in the kitchen. Even though we never had to cook for ourselves, he made sure all his boys knew their way around pots and pans. Every Sunday, he taught us a new meal. By our teens, Dad expected us to grill or cook on the weekends.
“How do you like it?” I’d asked her.
Munching on the food, she had handed me back her empty plate. Yaz damn near had sucked up all the food in one bite, which told me I’d made my father proud.
The whole time, she went on about this Soul Tribe place and I listened because her voice was like a beautiful song. Just watching those lips move made me hard.
In the afternoon, she came up with the brilliant idea to go to Soul Tribe, and I’d agreed with a hard cock because I was willing to do anything to get her naked and back in my bed.
This shit is getting crazy.
But unease rattled against my chest. I’d gone to a few therapists before and had never been this nervous. Granted, they’d never worked. They’d all wasted my time.
But when it came to Soul Tribe, there was something about this place that put me on edge. Maybe because of the use of the word soul.
After the murders, death was a sore topic. I tried not to think about it too much. Was God a dead end of black silence? Or was the afterlife a new door? A new life? A new experience?
I got even more agitated as we walked hand-in-hand to my car and drove to the place.
It won’t work. What will she do when this fails? How long will she stay?
For the first time in the past few years, hope for something more ran in my heart. Yaz had done that. Each day, I woke up seeking an adventure. The days had become brighter. They were still gray with clouds, but at least they had more sun. Not enough to tan, but enough to appreciate the lack of rain and lightning.
The whole time, she rode in a bright mood, excited about the place like it would hold all of my answers. Skepticism sat in my gut. I’d gone through too much. There was no way I would be fine, no matter what yoga pose they showed me how to do.
Why am I doing this?
We arrived there fast. I parked right in the front. Anxiety rose in my veins. Thank God, Yaz wore these lovely blue yoga pants that formed around her fat ass. With those on and that sunshine swarming around her, I would’ve probably followed her into hell.
I can’t believe she talked me into this.
I drank the place in and was filled with even more dread. Soul Tribe was huge and had been done in a hacienda style. A huge mural decorated the front, showing two women and a man sitting in a lotus position with their eyes closed. The sign above them read, “Soul Tribe: a holistic center for physical well-being and spiritual balance.”
We went to the entrance and I stopped Yaz as she tried to open the door.
She snorted. “Really? I can’t open my own doors?”
“Yes. Really. You don’t open doors when you’re with me.”
“I’m more than capable.”
“I don’t care. My mother would kill me if she ever heard that I didn’t get the door for you.”
“You always were a mommy’s boy.”
“No, that’s Stone. Even though he’s followed River on tour and is probably sleeping with hundreds of groupies, he still calls Mom everynight.”
“That’s sweet.”
“River said he also sleeps with a framed picture of Mom next to his bed. He’s carried this damn thing around with him on the tour.”
“Stone was always a little weirdo.” She giggled as we walked inside.
Upon entering, I had to admit that a sense of calm washed over me. The place was done in earthy tones. Soul tribe had an eco-friendly design with lots of lush vegetation and natural wood. Smooth stones lined the counters. Wind chimes dangled around the doorway. On the right, a café boasted a large menu with healthy cuisine made up of lots of hearty vegetables and things that I couldn’t pronouce, and rarely tried.
A light-skinned black woman walked up to us, barefoot and wearing a brown top and white yoga pants. Her curly brown hair hung past her shoulders. Her eyes were green. “Hello, how can I help you?”
Yaz smiled. “We’ve come to heal.”
“Something like that.” I chuckled to myself. Yaz elbowed me.
“Well, this is the right place.” The woman held out her hand. “My name is Willow.”
We shook her hand. The aroma of marijuana drifted from her skin.
“Yaz.”
“Hawk.”
“Welcome.” Willow spread out her hands as if showing off the whole place. “There’s so much offered at Soul Tribe. We feature yoga, tennis courts, dance classes, a walking path to the beach for self-reflection, wine tastings, and even an on-site nutrition expert.”
“Wow,” Yaz whispered.
“Would you like it if I showed you around?” Willow gestured behind her. “And then afterwards, we can figure out what service would be best for you.”
I’d rather you show us a private room where I can bend Yaz over.
“I’m down,” Yaz said. “Hawk?”
“Let’s go.”
Willow led us down a long hallway. We stopped in front of a massive room where a small group of men and women engaged in yoga. One of the walls was all glass, displaying an excellent ocean-view platform. And this class was pretty advanced. The men and women stood upside down with their hands on the floor as they balanced their bodies in the air, their feet pointing up to the ceiling.
Willow led us away. “We hold all types of yoga classes, from hatha to bikram, kripalu to kundalini.”
I had no idea what the differences of those yoga classes were. I just knew I wouldn’t be upside down with my feet in the air.
“I’m sure you saw the café in front. It’s farm-to-table. We have an organic farm on the site full of fresh flowers and veggies.”
Yaz grinned from ear to ear. From that expression, I knew she’d be spending a lot of time there.
Willow gestured to another room with a tiny pond plunged into the center of the floor. A back entrance to another hallway stood behind the pond. Lit candles sat on tiny tables. “This is our spa where we use local materials, treatments, and techniques. That hallway leads to the massage areas and spaces for facials as well as mani/pedis.”
“I have to check that out.” Yaz clapped her hand. “It’s been a minute since I’ve spoiled myself.”
“Then, let’s make sure you get something today,” I said.
“No.” Yaz shook her head. “This is all about you. But don’t worry, I’ll be back here tommorow. They’ll probably have to drag me out of here.”
“No way.” Willow took us further down the hallway. “We would love your energy.”
And her money.
There was a large door that took us to a huge courtyard full of roses and Buddha statues.
Willow pointed. “This is our meditation garden. On Sunday nights, we have yoga and stargazing.”
“Oh cool.” Yaz smiled.
Bored out of my mind, I frowned. “Yeah, cool.”
Willow caught the sarcasm and grinned. “Let’s head this way. We have an on-site shaman that handles all of the fire and drum ceremonies, illumination, divination, and of course, soul retrieval.”
“Of course, soul retrieval. You can’t forget that.” I tried to stop laughing, but it came out anyway.
Yaz elbowed me again, but thankfully she had a smile on her face.
We passed other rooms that Willow referred to as sacred spaces. The color palette of the Keys must’ve inspired the decor of those rooms. There, the walls and soft carpet included lots of calming ocean blues and sandy whites. The glass doors and large windows gave the rooms a bright and airy feel.
“We also offer detoxification and relaxation services.”
“Detox sounds good,” Yaz said. “What about Reiki healing?”
“Oh.” Willow’s face brightened as she touched her chest. “I’m one of the healers.” She stopped and turned to us. “I’m assuming that Mr. Hawk would like the Reiki services?”
“Yes.” Yaz nodded. “How did you know?”
“There’s lots of...” Willow made circles with her hands in front of me. “There’s lots of...energy happening with him.”
“Energy?” I stirred uncomfortably.
“Basically.” She looked over her shoulder, turned back to me, and whispered, “You’re blocked and need lots of chakra repair. Did you go through a traumatic event? If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to answer.”
“I’m fine and yeah, I went through something.”
Willow tapped her feet. “I would love to help you out. You must be going through so much pain everyday.”
“I’m fine.”
Willow didn’t look convinced. “We could start now.”
I turned to Yaz.
She shrugged with a smile. “It might be a good thing.”
Or it might make everything worse. Then, you would know that there was no fixing me.
That truth gave me the anxiety. With other women, I didn’t care if they came or left. With Yaz, I couldn’t take her leaving. It would ruin me more than Lisa had, and that was saying a lot.
What am I doing? What are we doing?
“I don’t want you to worry.” Willow disrupted my thoughts. “A Reiki session is done in a quiet place.” She gestured to the small room next to her. “Some practitioners use music. I like silence. It helps us both focus.”
I pictured all types of crazy things. She’d just discussed soul retrieval and shamans. What the hell would Reiki involve—dragons spitting fire into my ass?
I cleared my throat. “What is this Reiki stuff about? What are we doing?”
“You would be fully clothed and lying on my treatment table,” Willow said.
“Good. I’m a fan of him being fully clothed during this,” Yaz blurted it out and then blushed. “I mean, nevermind.”
“Don’t worry.” Willow smiled. “I understand.”
Understand what?
Willow turned back to me. “There will be moments of touch, but it will be light and non-invasive. I’ll gently place my hands on a series of locations on the head and front and back of your torso. Nothing intimate. There won’t even be pressure from my hands.”
“And then what happens?” I asked.
“The experience is different for everyone. Some feel refreshed. Others fall asleep. Some people have headaches and feel exhausted.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because Reiki is subjective and changeable.”
That tells me nothing.
Had Yaz not been here, I would’ve walked out, but she had this eager look on her face, and there was a small part of me that was hoping this could work. It didn’t make sense that it would, but then Yaz was slowly showing me that anything was possible. I thought I would’ve never been this close to a woman again, and here I stood right next to her, nervous that she would run. Before, I pushed women away. Now, I couldn’t think of her leaving me.
Yaz grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Maybe you should just try it and see. If you don’t like it, then you can stop the session early and leave.”
I wanted to, but something kept me silent and in my spot. Fear. It stacked around me like a stone wall, not letting me walk forward.
“No.” I turned around and walked away. “Not today.”
Footsteps sounded behind me. I heard Yaz apologizing as she got on my side.
“Are you okay?” Yaz asked.
I kept walking. “I’m fine.”
She grabbed my arm and stopped me. “Hawk?”
“Yeah?”
She ran her fingers through her locs. “I think you should try it. You might like it.”
“And if this doesn’t work?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It will eventually.”
“I just think you should try it.”
“Try what? Try to get better?”
She sighed. “I just think you should try Reiki. I have a friend who swears by it.”
But, did this friend get tortured for two days?
Willow walked up to us with concern on her face. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
I wanted to race out of there. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I just wanted to sit in a dark room and never discuss any of this again.
What the fuck has me so scared? Fuck it, Hawk. You’ve been through darker shit than this. It’ll be fine.
I turned to Willow. “How long does it last?”
“The times vary, but no longer than ninety minutes. Of course, today we can only do thirty minutes to see what you think.”
“Let’s make it fifteen.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
Five minutes later, I lay on a table in a dark room with only candles to provide light.
Yaz, what do you have me doing?
Willow stood on my side. She’d washed her hands at a glass sink near the door, burned some sage, and spread the smoke over my body. “I want you to close your eyes and focus on your breaths. Breath in and out, slowly, feeling your chest rise and fall. Enjoying the soothing sensations of calm wash over you.”
I shut my eyes and did my best to focus. Still, doubt ran through my mind. I shouldn’t have been in here, but this was all for Yaz.
Would she have me doing more of this? Or would she finally understand?
Willow whispered next to me, “Focus.”
I cleared my throat and did my best.
The feel of Willow’s hands came next. She held the sides of my head. Nothing sensual or enjoyable. Just hands on my face. At first her fingers were cool against my skin, and then they warmed and shifted to hot. The temperature change took me off guard.
Did I imagine that? Or were they always this hot? Don’t think about it. Just focus on your breaths.
I didn’t know how many silent seconds passed by as I began to breath in and out, slowly, letting my chest rise and fall. But then, subtle pulsations flowed through me, right where Willow’s hands were placed. I didn’t know what to make of the sensations. The pulsations came in cascading waves throbbing throughout my body.
What the fuck?
I gritted my teeth, not sure if I could deal with this odd and new awareness. Something moved inside of me. Energy. Heat. I didn’t know, but something flowed and drummed and vibrated all throughout my frame.
Breathe. Just breathe.
At first, the sensations comforted me. It was akin to me walking around with a load of bricks on my shoulder and then someone pulling them away. I felt light as I lay on the treatment table with her hands on me, and I could’ve sworn that this weird threshold, this energetic state of consciousness surrounded me in the space.
What is this? What’s she doing?
It was jarring and unsettling. Something else besides Willow and me breathed around us, seeping into my pores and surging inside of me. Maybe it had always been there. Perhaps, it was God or energy or mysticism or possibly the Soul Tribe staff pumping the air conditioner vents with some sort of LCD gas that made people hallucinate.
What the hell is going on?
Regardless, something had changed inside of me and I would never be the same again. And I didn’t think it was a good thing. Darkness, cold darkness, enveloped me even though Willow’s hands continued to heat against my skin. My body froze and inside my chest there was a crackling feeling like someone had lit firecrackers in my stomach. Like a thunderous storm brewed inside of me. Other sensations came too—pin-and-needle tinglings, chills, and more throbbing.
In that moment, I was ready to get up and end the session, but there was a curiosity inside of me that wanted to see more.
Breathe.
Minutes flowed in silence. Willow moved her hands, touching me some more. But like she said, it was never invasive. Just a hot touch melting the coldness away.
And then...
I didn’t know when it happened, but I fell into a deep, sleep-like state. I wasn’t all the way gone into my dream world, but I wasn’t fully awake either. A numbness filled me, and with that came an immediate release of my anxiety.
She touched my throat with both of her hands, but I swore that other hands gripped me as well. Additional ones rested on my head and down by my feet, and those hands ran cold and pressed hard.
What’s going on?
I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t.
A trickling of hot energy ran down both of my legs. A flowery fragrance filled the air and somehow I knew it wasn’t Willow. Something or someone else was in this room, touching me, filling me but for whatever reason, I didn’t fear this. I fucking enjoyed it. It was like I was high off energy. High off comfort and love.
But unfortunately, that’s not what continued.
The second my slumbering mind stopped focusing on my breaths, my brain dragged me back to the dark, familiar nightmares I’d come to know so well. Visions of blood and death flashed in my head. All of the fear, the resentment, and the rage I’d kept bottled up inside of me came spilling out, coating every corner of my brain.
No.
In my head, I was back at my old house in New York, standing in the garden. Blood seeped up from the grass beneath my feet. Dead, crumbling leaves dangled from a tree. The scent of death lingered in the air.
And then screams filled my head…my own shrieking wails from the nights Lisa tortured me.
“No!” I opened my eyes and choked on air, sitting upright and trying to push those images out my head. “No. No.”
Willow backed away. “Breathe in and out. Slowly.”
“No...I’m...out of here.” My breaths came out fast. I jumped off the treatment table and stumbled, feeling dizzy and disoriented. “No.”
My face was wet with fucking tears and I didn’t remember crying.
“Calm down.” Willow spoke in a soft tone which was good because pain knocked against my skull. If she’d spoke any louder, her words would’ve hurt. She’d said that I might have a headache, but this was so much worse.
“Hawk, I understand you want to leave, but just take a few slow breaths for me.”
“I feel like shit.” I swayed as I headed to the door. “And what the fuck? Your hands were hot?” I looked around the room. “Other people were touching me.” I looked under the table. There was nothing there. “I felt them. Cold hands. Hard and cold, pressing on me.”
Willow didn’t appear surprised at all from my words. “Just breathe in and out.”
My headed pounded in pain. I didn’t even want to hear Willow talk. It was like someone had hammered the fuck out of my skull. There were so many emotions tornadoeing through my body—fear and guilt, sadness and pain, relief and confusion.
“Fuck that. I’m out of here.”
“Hawk—”
I’d already fled the room, stumbling like I’d been drinking for days and had not gotten any sleep.