Yasmine

 

I was a mess when I left Hawk. A lingering shiver of pleasure vibrated through my body. He hadn’t kissed me, he’d fucked my mouth into almost orgasming. My panties were wet, my nipples hard. It had taken every inch of will in me not to hump his thigh.

I can’t let that happen again. And sex without anything else? Is he crazy? That’s what vibrators are made for.

Hawk consumed my thoughts as I headed for the kitchen to help my sister. The chef was off, and Cindy had asked me to come early. Had it not been for that, I might’ve tried to hang out with Hawk more. Already, I was anxious to see him again. That realization bothered me. It was clear that he only wanted sex.

That would be a disaster. I want it all or nothing.

Yet, after that damn kiss, I’d begun mulling over his proposition in my head.

What was it about him that was so alluring?

I contemplated it more and finally arrived at the conclusion that it was his eyes. There was something sad and tormented lurking inside their blue depths. It brought out my protective instincts. I wanted to fix him, help him, and of course fuck him until he called out my name.

Damn him. Why did he have to kiss me?

When I walked into the kitchen, Cindy, along with childhood memories, greeted me. It had always been the heart of our household where everyone gathered together. The walls were covered in the same bouquets of bright lavender flowers.

A small television sat on the counter in the corner playing old 90s music videos. Guys danced in shiny outfits and bopped as they rapped about having more money than everyone else. In the background, women swung their hips in bright gold and money green bikinis.

Oh God. Victor must’ve put that on.

I didn’t think my brother-in-law had ever left the nineties or had any idea of what year it was now. He barely went to the movie theater. Instead, he preferred to pop in an ancient VCR tape into his morbid little time machine that he called an entertainment center.

Smells danced in the air—melting sugar, hot butter, sweet chocolate.

“You look like you enjoyed yourself.” Cindy pulled a long pan out of the oven full of chocolate chip muffins. Stray strands of her hair dangled on the side of her face. The rest of her hair was drawn in a tight knot of black curls. Sweat beaded around her forehead. She set the muffin pan on the counter, wiped the sweat away with a napkin, and looked at me. “Why are you grinning like that?”

Shocked, I changed my expression. “Like what?”

“Like you just saw a bunch of clowns having an orgy.”

“Wow. That’s quite a visual.”

She giggled. “Your ex called me today.”

“Greg?”

“Yes, he wanted me to have you call him, so he could explain everything.”

“What did you say?”

“I didn’t waste my words. My response was the dial tone.” She shrugged. “What did you do today?”

“Not much.” I walked over to the island and sat down on one of the stools. For as long as I could remember, the table had stood in the center of this kitchen. Even now I could slide my fingers along Hawk’s and my initials on the side of the edge.

Cindy left the muffins and went to a basket of cloth napkins on the stool next to me. “I didn’t see you on the beach.”

“I was with Hawk.”

She scrunched her face up in confusion and started folding the napkins. “Who?”

Victor walked in with a heavy plate wrapped in aluminum foil and set it on the table. A frown spread across his face. “Was that Hawkins I saw you kissing outside?”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

Cindy stopped folding and turned to me. “Hawkins is here? That’s weird. When Brett called to say he was coming back he never told me he was bringing Hawkins.”

“You and Brett still talk?”

“Of course.”

I shook my head. “It’s so weird.”

“After his wife left him, he doesn’t have many people to talk to. Apparently, he’s made too many enemies up in New York. And the women are just thinking of his money. He doesn’t trust anybody. I’m a safe ear for him. And anyway, he likes to keep up with what’s going on with the Keys and even you.”

“Me?” I said. “Why am I a topic of your conversations?”

“He’s always asking questions about you. In fact, I always thought Brett had a crush on you,” she said.

“Ewww. Not possible at all.”

“He must’ve been gathering information for Hawk.” She grinned. “That Brett can be a busy boy, when he puts his mind to it. When you were all kids, he was always doing things behind people’s backs, trying to get the outcomes he wanted.”

“Yes, he was a sneaky little bastard.”

“For all these years, every time he calls he asks for an update about you. In fact, I’d just talked to him last week about you being in California.”

Embarrassed, I asked, “You didn’t tell him I was having problems with Greg, right? Oh, I guess it doesn’t even matter anyway.”

“We might’ve talked about it. You know I stopped liking Greg after the first time he cheated.” She rolled her eyes. “Either way, I really thought Brett liked you.”

“That would never happen.”

Victor cleared his throat. “So, Hawkins?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Oh yeah.” Cindy exchanged looks with Victor. “How is he?”

“Fine.” Glad that we were off the kissing, I grabbed some napkins and folded some.

Victor’s face held concern. “Hawkins sure looked fine, after kissing you.”

“Well,” I muttered, “kissing me makes people happy.”

Victor pulled off the foil and revealed a cheese plate. “Hmmm.”

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said.

Cindy had still not returned to folding. “Why were you kissing Hawkins?”

I shrugged. “It was an accident.”

Victor laughed.

Cindy quirked her eyebrows. “Both of your lips crashed into the others without each other wanting it to?”

“Ha ha.” I lay one folded napkin down and went to the other. “What did you two do today?”

“No.” Cindy shook her head. “What is up with you and Hawkins? I mean you two should not be kissing. That’s the last thing he needs or even you.”

“O-kay.” I grabbed another cloth. “I think I’m old enough to decide that.”

“This time, I must side with my wife,” Victor said. “The boy has been through too much shit for you two to be a good fit.”

That comment piqued my interest. Clearly, Hawk wanted to escape something, but I had no idea what. He didn’t want me to google it. I promised I wouldn’t. Still, hearing about it from Victor and Cindy wouldn’t be breaking my promise.

I finished another napkin, gave up, and raided the cheese tray that Victor was setting. “What happened to Hawk?”

“What happened?” Cindy said. “Girl, where have you been? Do you not know anything about the Black Widow murders?”

I held a small square of cheese in mid-air. “Murders?”

“A lot of them.” Victor slid the tray away from me. “And go wash your hands. Why are you hungry? He didn’t feed you before he decided to kiss you?”

“Yes, Mr. In-My-Business. He did feed me. I just have an addiction to cheese.” I returned to folding. “What murders are you talking about? Hawk was involved with this?”

“His wife was,” Cindy said. “She killed five people, I think.”

“Ten was the final count,” Victor corrected.

“Wife?” The napkin slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor. “He was married.”

“Jesus,” Cindy said. “We’re talking about a serial killer and you’re more shocked that he was married?”

“Serial killer?” I picked up the napkin and then looked at them. “Hawk was married to a serial killer who murdered ten people?”

“Yes.” Cindy went back to the cloth napkins. “It was all over the east coast channels. I was sure they’d made it to the west.”

“No. California had its own serial killer this year, The S&M Strangler.” My body grew stiff with fear. “So...wait a minute. How...when...what the hell?”

“Vera came by about two years ago to let us know that Hawk had gone missing for two days. That’s when it all came out. There’d been some bodies found in Hawkins’ backyard. He’d been cleared by the police and went home. No one heard from him or his wife the next day. Vera was worried, and the police were—”

“Why the hell didn’t you call me?” I asked.

“Because, every time I called, you were crying about Greg and how you weren’t sure if you should break off the engagement,” Cindy said. “It was clear you were already depressed. I didn’t think hearing about Hawkins would brighten your day.”

Victor jumped in. “Besides, Hawkins escaped from her two days later.”

“Escaped from where?” I asked.

They exchanged more uncomfortable looks.

Silence proceeded.

Victor pulled out a barrel of key limes. There must’ve been at least fifty in there. They were one-to-two inches, round, and a greenish-yellow color. I had no idea what he was going to do with them. Victor put them on everything—fish to salads, drinks to desserts.

I placed my hands on my hips. “Are you going to tell me what happened or not?”

“She had him in upstate New York in a cabin,” Victor explained. “The police said he’d been locked in a cage the whole time. She’d been doing things to him, feeding him dog food. It was a lot. And the image of him on the news was horrific—”

“She doesn’t need to hear all of that,” Cindy interrupted. “Basically, the boy was married to a psycho and she almost killed him. The end. And by the way, this is not a guy you should be kissing.”

My stomach bundled into anxious knots. Hearing that someone had tortured him was akin to finding out that a friend had died. It broke my heart the same way. I didn’t think anybody deserved to be in pain, but there were a few people that I thought might’ve deserved a little. Hawk would never hit that list. He was too good and tried to be his best. Even after all these years, he remained a gentleman and I saw nothing that would make me believe he deserved that crap.

Cindy continued with her unwanted advice. “I mean, being friends is just fine, but anything more wouldn’t be smart. He’s been through too much.”

“First of all, someone hurt him,” I said. “He didn’t hurt anyone. I shouldn’t avoid him because someone else harmed him.”

Victor covered the tray. “Yeah, Yaz, but that doesn’t mean you should be messing with him either.”

“You two are moving too fast,” I argued. “We’re not dating. It was just one kiss—”

“After a date?” Cindy asked.

“No,” I corrected. “It was after lunch.”

“Where did you go?” Victor asked.

“To Captain’s.”

“Captain’s?” Victor whistled. “At eighty dollars a plate, that’s a date. A man takes a woman to Captain’s when he’s trying to do more than be friends. He’s trying to make you a homey-lover-friend.”

“A what?” I asked.

“Ignore him.” Cindy rolled her eyes. “He’s never left the 90’s. Just nod your head and pretend like you know what he’s saying.”

“Whatever.” I pulled out my phone. “We’re not dating, so it’s no big deal.”

“You probably shouldn’t see him at all for a while,” Cindy said. “You know how you can be.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Usually, after the second date, you’re writing down your future wedding vows.”

Victor laughed and high-fived Cindy. “That’s a good one.”

Ignoring them, I typed Hawk’s name into my phone. There was no need to honor the promise. I’d learned enough and had become curious. Even more, rage had built in my core. Some woman had hurt the man who had always showed me kindness for as long as I knew him. I wanted to whip her psychotic ass, slice her from ear-to-ear, and scream.

“What are you doing?” Cindy asked. “And stop grinding your teeth.”

“I can’t believe no one told me this.” I scanned through the hundreds of articles that had come up.

Sick images accompanied them. Uniformed men carried big black bags with numbers. Pictures of the victims were displayed next to each number. A few times, I saw images of Hawk walking away from a courthouse with sunglasses on his face. Brett was with him in most of the photos. In the earlier pictures, Hawk’s lip was busted and there were bruises on his face.

“That fucking bitch,” I muttered.

“Watch your language, please,” Cindy said.

“Honey, the woman is a bitch.” Victor tapped me on my shoulder. “Don’t look at that stuff. It’s just going to make you sad and depressed.”

I pulled up a picture of the Black Widow. She was the very opposite of me—pale skin, short black hair, and evil green eyes. Her smile looked like it was cut onto her face. Her gaze appeared deadly.

How the hell did he end up with her?

“I had no idea Hawkins came back to Key West.” Victor disrupted my reading. “They’d just shown him on tv a few weeks ago. The gory court case finished. She was sent to jail, serving five lifetime sentences. The state couldn’t truly prove that she’d killed the other five people that were earlier labeled as suicides. Hawkins had been the star witness.”

My chest grew heavy. Had I known he’d gone through this I would’ve been less...I didn’t know. I would’ve been nicer. My heart broke for him. Here I was, torn up over finding my ex in bed with another woman, and he’d just went through the worst possible traumatic event that anyone could ever go through. If it had been me, I would’ve been in a mental hospital, rocking in a chair, staring at the corner of a room, and sucking on my fucking thumb.

“Jesus,” I whispered. My eyes watered.

Laughter came from outside of the kitchen.

“Okay. The guests are back.” Cindy pointed to the napkins. “Put that phone away and finish these.”

“Alright,” I said.

Cindy left. I should’ve turned my phone off, but I couldn’t help it. I had to read some more.

Victor grabbed my phone. “Yo, you’re going to have nightmares if you read all of that stuff. Leave it alone.”

“But—”

“He didn’t tell you this?”

“No, he actually asked me not to look him up. I figured it was because he was rich and maybe had a little financial scandal, or people gossiped that he was playboy. What I didn’t guess was any of this. It’s horrible.”

“What can I say, Yaz? Sometimes the world can be a messed-up place. The whole goal of living is to never drown in all the darkness around you.”

“And how do you stop drowning?”

“By learning how to swim.”

“And you do that how?”

“By never giving up and always trying to move, be more, be better.”

Sounds like bullshit to me.

I stared the napkins, falling into a shitty mood and not wanting to do anything but go to Hawk and hold him.

Victor watched me. “Don’t get sad, Yaz.”

“I won’t.”

“Sad Yaz always brings a tropical storm to the island. It’s like your mood is in tune with the weather.”

“That’s not true. I was sad about Greg when I arrived.”

“No, you weren’t. You were disappointed. Maybe a bit confused, but you weren’t all that broken-hearted.” He frowned. “But right now, you look devastated.”

“I am.”

Thunder boomed outside.

“Goddamn it, Yaz.” Victor stomped over to the window and moved the curtain. I turned that way. Lighting slashed against graying clouds as the sky darkened. “Would you cheer up? Look at that weather.”

Victor was playing. The Florida Keys had two seasons—dry and wet. November through April, there was sunshine and little rainfall. However, May through October brought the showers and thunderstorms—the peak of hurricane season.

“Oh, stop it. I didn’t bring this rain.” Nevertheless, a tear fell from my eyes and I rushed to wipe it away. “What do I do? What should I say to him?”

“Nothing. Leave him alone, unless he wants your company.”

“But—”

“You’re not his therapist, Yaz. I’m sure he’s dealt with enough people trying to help him.” Thunder boomed again, and Victor shook his head. “You better get over this by tomorrow because I wanted to go fishing. As far as I’m concerned, Sad Yaz is needed in California. Not here. Don’t they have a drought out there?”

 “Very funny.”

“I’ll finish the napkins. You go cheer up.” He got ready to leave the kitchen, stopped, and turned my way. “You never told me what that kiss was about?”

“I didn’t realize I was supposed to.”

“You are.”

“I’m an adult.”

Victor didn’t budge. “Are you two dating?”

“No.”

“But he wants to?”

“No.” I stirred in my seat. “He doesn’t want a relationship. He would just like to...you know.”

Victor raised his eyebrows. “Knock the boots?”

“I think normal people call it sex, and I’m not having this conversation with you.”

“He just wants a sexual relationship with you? No. You’re not that type of girl. I didn’t raise you like that.” He patted up my head like I was a kid. “I’m pretty proud that when I walk you down the aisle for your wedding, you’ll be wearing a white dress to signify your virginity.”

“Yep. That’s me, the good ole Virgin Mary, turning down disciples one at a time.” I laughed.

“Your body isn’t a pitstop for men.”

“There is nothing wrong with women having a sexual relationship and nothing more.”

“I’m a man. I’m telling you how it is. Men pick women for purposes. Some females you pick for a fun time. Others you call when you’re lonely. And then there’s the one that you pick because she completes you, and you complete her.”

“Is it really that cut and dry?”

“I’m just telling you men as I know it. You’re better than that. You always want the guy to want more because that’s when he’s going to work the hardest to make you happy. Period. If not, move one. He’s not worth your time.” Victor targeted me with an intense gaze. “And you shouldn’t spend time with Hawkins. The man is going through some serious stuff and he wants nothing more than the physical. That’s a hard game to win, Yaz.”

“I basically told him the same thing.”

“When did you tell him that?”

“I told him first.” I cleared my throat. “And then he kissed me.”

He shook his head and walked away. “This is going to be a crazy fall.”

“Hey, I have this under control.”

“You better.” He glanced over his shoulder. “I want nothing but sunny weather this season.”

Victor left, and I sat alone in the kitchen. I did my best to focus on the napkins, folding all of them in between forcing myself not to cry. Sometimes life was so messed up. The people who deserved the best of this world tended to get the worst.

Victor and Cindy think I should stay away from Hawkins. That’s the last thing I’m going to do. He helped me through mourning my parents. I’ll help him through this.

I didn’t know what I would do. Sex was still not an option. If anything, I loved him more for being so freaking strong. He’d actually been smiling and laughing in the restaurant as if nothing bad had ever happened to his life. Had it been me, I would’ve been unable to eat or talk without crying.

Hawk, why didn’t you want me to know?

Was he embarrassed? Did he think he was damaged? Or did he simply never want to think about all that stuff again?

“I’m currently escaping my life,” he’d said.

I piled the folded napkins on the table, went over to the window, and looked toward his house. Most of the windows were lit up.

Movement came from my left. I looked off at that side of the beach. The blonde woman that I’d seen with the dark-haired man was outside walking in the oncoming rain. She wore a red dress and held a bouquet of flowers in her hand. Lightning streaked off in the distance, thunder rumbled. And still she strolled along like it was a sunny spring day and she was surrounded by hills of flowers and singing birds.

She’s crazy in love.

The rain picked up so much that the woman and Hawk’s house became distorted images in front of me. I hoped the blonde had run for safety and wondered where her dark-haired lover was. But something about seeing her and thinking of Hawk made me think of his past words.

“I would be your death wish. You should guard your heart, when I’m around.”

It had done a world of good to return to Key West. My sister and Victor had been excellent company. Any time I felt sad or alone, I could bother them.

Who does Hawk have to bother? Not Brett. Every time I’ve seen him, he’s been with some chick or chugging down a bottle of liquor. Hawk is always alone. Or maybe he isn’t.

Somehow, the cozy warmth of my sister’s kitchen made me feel guilty. Hawk must’ve been dealing with great pain. He’d said he couldn’t sleep.

“When I’m sliding the paint onto the canvas, I remember the good things about me.”

Now, everything made sense. He’d seemed more intense since I’d seen him last. Everything about him came off darker. No wonder he no longer considered commitment or an emotional relationship. It might’ve been hard to want a normal relationship when your ex had been killing people around you for years.

My phone buzzed.

Annoyed, I pulled it out and looked at the screen. I’d expected it to be Greg. He’d still been harassing me about those books, threatening legal action if I didn’t ship them to him.

However, a strange number glowed on the screen.

Unknown: This is Hawk. I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed our time together. Let’s do it again?

I knew why Victor and Cindy didn’t want me to be around Hawk. They were just looking out for me and making sure that I didn’t fall too fast for the wrong guy. I could understand, but they were mistaken. There was no way I would leave Hawk alone. I couldn’t give him space, not after hearing about all the pain he’d gone through.

While I was adamant about no sex, if painting made him feel good, then I would model the hell out of this fall. As far as I was concerned, he could paint me while I ate, slept, wrote, and whatever else inspired him to get out of bed and play on the canvas.

If there was one thing I knew for sure, doing any form of art could be cathartic whether writing down a poem, song, or just two words over and over. The focused process of creating something, no matter how big or small, brought psychological relief to the creator.

I got your back, Hawk.

I typed in my response.

Me: I had fun too. When do you want to paint me again?

Hawk: Tomorrow?

Me: Sounds good.

A few minutes went by and he hadn’t said anything else. I was just about to put the phone down when it buzzed again.

I swiped the screen and checked the message.

Hawk: Dinner afterwards?

The sadness left my chest as my heart warmed. My frown shifted into a grin. We really shouldn’t even be thinking about dinner or anything more than painting. That kiss had almost trapped me into saying yes. If we did eat next time, I would keep my distance.

Everything will be fine. Stop being a punk.

I typed in my response.

Me: Dinner sounds good. Count me in.

I put my phone away and promised myself that tomorrow, it would be dinner and nothing more.

Details of those murders ran in my head. It was hard to shake all that dark news away. Instead of making myself a cup of tea like I usually did, I opened the fridge and pulled out Victor’s bottle of spiced rum. He loved it cold and always had a small sip at the end of the night. Luckily, there was another unopened bottle because I planned on finishing the one I’d grabbed.

Yeah. It’s going to be a drinking evening tonight. Damn it, God. Why did you have to let Hawk get hurt?

I twisted off the cap and took a swig. The liquid burned my throat, but it was just what I needed to help me forget all the horror I’d read.

Thunder boomed off in the distance as I headed upstairs.

How can the world be so cruel?