One Year Later

 

 

Two years have gone by since I last talked to Nico, and I still miss him more than I can explain. I have managed to mend my friendship with Jessie. I completely cut her off after losing Ruby. I’m still mad at myself for letting myself do that. She never gave up on me, though. She constantly bugged me with texts and emails, until one day I responded. All she said was that it was about time.

Mom got me a part-time job at her work doing data entry. I’m saving up enough money, so that next year when I attend the university, I’ll have enough for an apartment. I want to try living on my own for a while.

For the past year, I have been going to the cemetery at least once a month. Today, I’m going to visit Dad and Ruby there. I think it’s finally time to do the headstone rubbings on both of their markers.

 

Me: You are missing out on some headstone rubbings today.

Jessie: I swear when I finish college and get a real job, I’ll fly there, and we can go across state looking for new cemeteries.

Me: I’m down for that.

Jessie: Are you feeling okay today?

Me: I feel better than last year, and the year before that, so it’s a pretty good start.

Jessie: Send me the pictures when you’re finished. I want to show Henry.

Henry is Jessie’s boyfriend, and they have been dating for about five months. He seems like a decent guy, and I’m so happy for her. I always thought that she would never get past the loser phase, but she did. If anyone has grown into a more mature person, it’s Jessie.

I snatch the bag and pack a lunch in the kitchen. Mom is sitting at the table already eating. “Hey, Sweetie.”

“Hey, Mom.” I give her a small smile, walk to the cabinet and locate the bread that has been sitting in the pantry for a week. Sometimes, I feel bad about the bread. I forget it’s there, and then by the time I reach for it, it’s already old and moldy. It could have been fed to someone else. Maybe, I’ll bring the rest of the bread to feed the birds that are sometimes at the pond by the graveyard.

Mom puts her spoon down, making a clinking sound as it clanks against her soup bowl. “Do you want me to go with you today?”

Any other day I wouldn’t mind, but today I kind of want alone time. “How about next time?”

She grabs a napkin and dabs at her mouth. “Any time you need me to go, I don’t mind.” I know she knows I’m a lot better, but she continues to be concerned.

“I know.” Mom has become different these past two years. She seems stronger and more independent. I know she still misses Dad at times, but she has also managed to live without him. She isn’t quite ready to date, and I’m not sure if she ever will be. I’m fine either way with her decision.

For me, I don’t think I could marry again after going through what she went through and being married for so long. But, I haven’t been in her situation, so I don’t know.

There’s a guy at work that has been creepily hitting on Mom, and it’s directly in front of me. I don’t think she quite gets it, and when I tell her, she says that he’s only being nice. Yeah… nicely always touching her arm.

After I finish making my sandwich, I tell Mom goodbye and head out the front door. It feels hot and muggy, and I should probably have worn a pair of shorts instead of pants. I toss everything in the backseat of my car.

I make sure the bread I grabbed on the way out is sitting on top of everything in pristine condition. Give it up, May. I don’t think the birds care if their bread is mushed or nice and fluffy. Am I becoming one of those bird ladies now? Oh, my god, I am, aren’t I? A freaking nineteen-year-old bird lady! I slam the door and push that horrendous thought aside.

I text Jessie one last quick text before I leave.

 

Me: I have officially become a bird lady

On the way to the cemetery, I’m stuck in traffic. I have the window rolled up with my own personal concert blasting its way to my ears. In no way, shape or form am I a singer, but right here and right now, I’m performing a live concert. My singing is terrible, but it has me feeling good.

When I get to the cemetery, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes to get myself ready. I thought I was prepared, but in actuality, I may only be two-thirds prepared.

I breathe in and out a total of three times. For some reason, I have the palm of my hand facing me and moving with me when I breathe in, and then I face my palm out when I breathe out. Now, I’m turning into Mom—she always does that.

The clouds are out in full force today, like Dad is saying hello. “Hey, Dad,” I say as I look toward the clouds.

I walk through the cemetery and look straight ahead, that’s when I freeze. I quickly duck down behind a headstone.

“You know I can see you over there, May.”

“Shit,” I hiss. Did I just curse in the cemetery? Is that forbidden or something? I first look at the headstone I ducked behind, and it’s probably only covering about one-fourth of my entire body.

Slowly, I peep around the corner and see a bright purple head, and she’s grinning at me. “Did you think that little headstone could cover your gigantic body?” Violet has her arms crossed over her chest.

I stand up like I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Maybe?”

I look all around to see if Nico is with her. What would I do if he was here? Probably try and hide behind the headstone again.

“He isn’t here.” Violet begins walking to me.

“Oh. I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” I look past her at the pond, as if I’m busy somehow.

Violet lets out a chuckle. “Sure, you don’t.”

She stops in front of me, and I realize how much I’ve missed her. “It’s been a long time. I brought some bread. Do you want to feed the birds?” I pull open the full loaf of bread like it’s my prized possession.

Violet stares at the bread like I have lost my mind. “Um. Okay.”

She follows me when I walk to the pond, and I set everything on the ground except for the bread.

“So, how have you been?” I ask.

I hand Violet a piece of bread, and she pitches it into the water like she’s a softball player. “I’m leaving for New York tomorrow. I got a job at a gallery up there, and they’re offering to hang some of my stuff as well.”

Grabbing a slice myself, I throw it to the edge of the pond where several crows fly down and peck at it piece by piece. “That’s so awesome. I knew your work would go somewhere someday.”

“Not to sound cocky, but I knew it would, too.” She throws another piece harder this time.

I let out a laugh. “So, I guess you won’t be managing the bookstore anymore?”

She’s about to throw another piece of bread and stops. “No. The one who shall not be named is going to be in charge for now.” She looks at me straight in the eye, probably trying to gauge my reaction.

My heart temporarily freezes, and I nod my head, letting no reaction cross my face. “What are you doing here today?” I change the subject because I can’t talk about Nico, especially with her. It would hurt too much.

Violet looks down at her toes like she’s not sure what to say. “I wanted to visit Ruby before I left. I know I don’t come here much. I don’t know why it is, but it’s still hard to think about.”

A tear streams slowly down my face that I had no idea had taken form, and I wipe it away with my hand in a fist. “I know. It took me a long time to get where I’m at right now.” I still think about Ruby all the time, wondering what stage of life she would be at now and what she would have looked like.

Violet shifts from one foot to the next. “I want you to know that I would have been there for you and Ruby. I never got to tell you that.”

The tears are now dropping full blast, and Violet has tears streaming down her face, too. I’ve never seen her sad the whole time I have known her. “I know. You told me you would have helped with babysitting and all that.”

“Well, I want to make sure you know.”

“I know.” And I do.

After we finish with the bread, we walk to Ruby’s headstone. I wanted to come alone, but I’m happy that Violet is here with me. It isn’t uncomfortable, it’s comforting. I take out my lunch and hand Violet half my sandwich. We sit down on the ground and talk for a while, mainly about what she’s going to do once she leaves and how school is going for me. She doesn’t once mention Nico, and I don’t ask about him either.

When we finish eating, she stands up to leave, but then kneels back down in front of me. Her expression is serious. “You know my number is still the same if you ever need me.”

“I won’t be bothering you in New York! I do want to see some of that famous artwork one day, though.”

Violet laughs. “Don’t worry, it will be sooner than you think.”

We both move to stand, and she gives me one of her lightning fast hugs before turning to walk away.

“Hey, Violet,” I call.

“Yeah?”

“Can you not tell him that you saw me?” I don’t want to mess up his life any more than I did.

She lets out a sigh that tells me she wants to argue, but she holds up her index finger. “Only this once, but if I run into you again anywhere, I’m telling him. Got it?”

I give her a sad smile. “Fine.” I doubt I will be running into her since she’s moving to New York.

Violet gives me one last wave, and I watch her purple head all the way to her car.

I put away my lunch trash and begin working on Ruby’s headstone rubbing. I make hers multi-colored and talk to her as I work.

“You know, Ruby, things would have been hard for a while with me in school, but we would have made it work. Your dad, he would have been the one always to keep it all in check. I think there would have been a lot of hard times once you were here, but there would have been a whole lot of good times, too." I tear up a little, but I’m okay, and I continue talking to her.

When I’m finished with her rubbing, I admire all the different colors that resemble a rainbow, reminding me that once the rain has cleared, something beautiful can always appear. I roll it up gently and place it in a tube. I want to keep this one forever. It may seem weird that I want to keep a headstone rubbing, but it feels like more than that. It’ll remind me of this day with her, and how I felt okay.

Next, I grab my things off the ground and walk to Dad’s headstone. Kneeling in front of the grave marker, I rest my hand on top. “I know you have been watching over Ruby. Thanks for that. I want you to know that Mom has been a lot better. She still misses you more than anything, but she’s okay.”

I sit there for a few minutes before I pull out another sheet of paper and begin on his. I use different shades of blues. Blue was his favorite color, but it always changed. One day it may have been a sky blue. Then another day it was midnight blue, but it was always blue.

After I finish up Dad’s, I roll up the paper and place it in a separate tube. I pack up all my things and get ready to head home. I take one last look at the cemetery. I can’t help but feel like maybe there’s something for me to do in this life one day. I’m not completely ready, but I’m getting there.