I wake up latched onto Nico, feeling super comfortable. My arms are strapped around him like he’s a big stuffed teddy bear, and my knees are curled up to my stomach.

Lifting my head, I look at poor Nico, who is still sitting with his feet flat on the floor, but his upper body is tilted all the way down on his side.

My eyes drift to the TV that’s still on, and I shake Nico awake. “Hey, you fell asleep.”

His eyes open and look at me for a second, and then he smiles and drifts back to sleep. “Nico,” I sing terribly to try and wake him.

Ugh, he’s still hard to wake up. I don’t know if he has work or anything today. I’m off, so it doesn’t matter what time I would have slept until.

He doesn’t budge, and I grab his arm and continuously move it back and forth to wake him. “Nico!”

That does the trick. He pulls himself back to a sitting position, and he looks like he has a cramp in his back. “What time is it?” he asks groggily.

I look at the clock. “It’s seven-forty. I wasn’t sure if you have work today.”

His eyes half close and then reopen, looking like he’s ready to lie right back down in the uncomfortable position and go back to sleep. “I don’t have to be in until ten today, but I do have to take a shower.”

“Do you want me to make you something to eat first? I’m starving.” I get off the couch and hover over him.

“You know how to cook these days?” He looks over at the kitchen in surprise.

I pucker my lips out. “I haven’t made it that far in life yet, but I’ll get there one day. Eggs?”

“Sure. Can I use your bathroom?” He gets off the couch and attempts to pop his back.

“Yeah, it’s right down the hall.” I point in the direction of the bathroom.

Heading into the kitchen, I pull out my one frying pan and then take out the carton of eggs. I throw a couple onto the pan and pop a couple pieces of toast in the toaster, and I feel like a professional chef.

For years Mom has been offering to teach me her cooking skills, and I’m going to take her up on that offer soon.

I turn around, and Nico is already sitting at the counter, and I startle. “Geez! I didn’t even hear or see you come back.”

“You looked too entranced by those eggs.” He nods his head toward them. “By the way, I think they’re burning.”

“Shit.” I hurry and turn off the stove top and pour some of the eggs onto a plate for him and then for me. They may be a little burnt but still edible.

I must have missed the two pieces of toast popping up because there they are on full display ready to be plucked. Grabbing the two plates with eggs, I set a piece of toast on each plate and pour two glasses of juice. I get us each a fork, and I’m done. Oh yeah, that’s why I don’t want to cook, it’s tiring.

He’s already stuffing eggs in his mouth. “How is it?”

“These are the worst eggs I’ve ever eaten.” He smiles.

“Damn,” I laugh.

“I’m just kidding. They taste good.” He lifts his orange juice and takes a swallow. “On to other things. What was this about Violet?”

I thought maybe he had forgotten that whole situation, but I guess he hasn’t.

I let out a sigh. “I ran into her about a year ago at the cemetery. We talked for a while, and she told me about New York.”

“She must have let that slip her mind,” he mumbles.

I stare at my plate of food. “To be fair, I told her not to tell you. I didn’t want to interrupt your life.”

He lays the fork on his plate. “You never would have interrupted my life, May. Do you know how much I’ve missed you this entire time?” I’ve missed him, too, but then I think about seeing Lanie the other day.

“I don’t know. You seemed pretty comfortable having Lanie for a roommate.”

He frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you were fine without me, and you were able to move on with Lanie like I knew you always would,” I bite back. I don’t know why I even said that. I guess I’m irritated that she was there for him, and I wasn’t.

“She was my roommate, May,” he huffs.

“So, you’re telling me that nothing has happened between you two since we were together?” I focus on his eyes, like I can see straight inside his head.

He grows frustrated, puts his elbows on the counter and yanks at his hair and then looks at me with a defeated look.

“Okay, just one time.” It’s fine. I’m fine. He hasn’t been mine for a long time.

“Okay.”

“That’s it? Okay?” He mocks me by giving an I don’t care shrug.

“What do you want me to do, Nico? Cry and scream at you. We weren’t together.”

He stands up out of the barstool like he’s going to leave. “I’m going to tell you anyway. I waited an entire year for you to talk to me, and you never did. All I thought about was you. Lanie was around, and she didn’t care about me like that anymore, but she let me use her. I didn’t realize I was using her until afterward, and I was so fucking ashamed by what I did, but you were gone.”

Why didn’t I contact him like I wanted to? “If it makes you feel better I haven’t dated or slept with anyone.”

He groans and turns his head away from mine. “It doesn’t. It only makes me feel worse.”

Nico walks to the door and leaves, slamming it behind him. I sit there and don’t want this to be déjà vu and us never talk again. I run and haul open the door, and he’s standing outside looking out at the parking lot.

Turning around, Nico sees the look on my face and my eyes welling with tears. “Are you okay? I needed some air, that’s all.” Nico shouldn’t be worrying about me, but he’s still putting other’s feelings ahead of his own.

I take a step toward him. “What I said that day, I didn’t mean any of it. Please don’t leave. Please don’t not talk to me. I want your friendship back. I was…I was…so messed up after everything. The only reason I still talk to Jessie is that she kept pestering me the whole time the first year. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have contacted her either.”

Nico leans against one of the pillars and chews on the edge of his lower lip. “I should have called or texted, but I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you contact me when you were ready.”

“Honestly, I didn’t feel okay until after about a year, and then I thought it was too late.” I pause. “Do you ever think about Ruby?” I run my hand against the side of my face and chin.

Nico’s eyes meet mine with sympathy. “I do. I think about what would have happened if she didn’t die. Where we would be at now. The thing is what happened happened, and the past ended the way it did. I’m not mad at you. And it never would have been too late. Not for me, May.”

I nod my head.

“I have to get ready for work, but can I talk to you later?”

I nod.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you then.” I nod again. Am I some sort of puppet that that’s all I can do is nod?

I turn around and walk back inside, closing the door behind me. Slamming my back against the door, I slowly let myself melt to the floor until my legs are flat against the ground. I pull my knees back to my chest and let out a small sob. I haven’t felt like this in a while. It’s like I’m back at age seventeen in a hole.

I’m not stuck in this hole with a cement covering on top, though. This time it’s loose grains of sand that I’m able to pull myself through, and I do. Nico’s last few sentences about me have me feeling relieved because he isn’t mad at me.

Lifting myself off the ground, I walk into the bathroom and take a shower that’s a little hotter than normal, but the burn feels good on my skin and dilutes my thoughts.

When I step out of the shower, I finish unpacking my room and organize the closet. Then I set up my art supplies. I pull out my old sketchbooks and dig until I find the one that I’m looking for.

I open it up to the first time that I sketched Nico. I could never get rid of this, not in a million years. This is the first time I’ve looked at it since we were dating. He looks younger here, not only because he was younger, but now he looks a little rougher around the edges with a hidden story.

I feel like painting, and I have two blank canvases sitting in the corner of my room. I set one up and get all my paint ready. I grab a brush and paint as I have never painted before.

I’m not sure how much time has passed, but my phone beeps. I walk to the sink and wash my hands thoroughly, removing the paint. Then I walk to my bed and pick up the phone. It’s a text from Jessie.

 

Jessie: I’ve got big news!

Me: It can’t be bigger than the engagement, right?

Jessie: Since it will be a while before we get married, Henry bought us plane tickets to go on a vacation this summer!

Me: Lucky! Where are you guys going?

Jessie: To see you, silly!

What? Is she serious?

Me: Are you serious? That doesn’t sound like much of a vacation to me. But if you’re serious, I’m so achingly happy!

Jessie: Yes! We’ll be there in July!

I can’t believe it. We text back and forth for a little longer, and then she calls me when she realizes that I’m not at work. We talk on the phone for about an hour.

Jessie had been telling Henry since she met him how she wanted to visit me. He finished his schooling last year and found a job quickly and had been saving up for a while.

Unlike Jessie, Henry’s a big saver when it comes to money. He has been holding onto money from his previous jobs and has always had a big savings from what she says.

After I get off the phone with her, I put away all my old sketchbooks inside the box and find a spot in the corner of the closet for it to go. The closet is the main thing I like about this apartment. It’s huge. Back in my old room, you couldn’t even walk in my closet, because it was so small.

Strolling into the living room, I start the movie from where I drifted off, and it doesn’t get any better, but I manage to truck my way through it. Then I type up the paper for class about it, but I kind of have to lie my way through it. I don’t necessarily want to say this is the worst movie that I have ever seen in my entire life. That’s saying a lot because I have seen some terrible movies with Jessie.

When I finish the paper, I can’t control my thoughts from drifting back to Nico, which my brain has been trying to avoid, because I know friendship will never be enough, I’ll want more than that.