Audrey
That Saturday, I was relieved to have the day to myself. I took Pepper on a nice, long walk in the morning. It was still freezing cold—Chicago winters were the worst—but it felt good to spend some time with my favorite girl. All the while, I couldn’t stop thinking about Enzo. I hated myself for obsessing over him. Hell, all the women he worked with had probably done that.
“I hope you’re not disappointed in me,” I told Pepper as I reached down and scratched the area between her ears. “I’m a little disappointed in myself, to be honest with you, girl.”
Pepper whined. She curled up between my legs and thumped her tail on the cold ground.
“I know, I know,” I told her with a sigh. “We’re going home and getting you out of the cold. Don’t worry.”
It had been a sunny morning, but now the sun was ducking behind the clouds, and I could tell that it was going to snow later. I shivered. Even under three layers of clothing, I couldn’t seem to warm up.
Thinking about Enzo sure makes you warm, a voice piped up from the back of my head. I rolled my eyes. It was true. I spent so much time blushing around Enzo that my cheeks felt permanently pink. Whenever I was alone, I felt more like myself again: cool, calm, and collected.
Pepper whined uneasily as we walked into my apartment building. The lobby was as dingy as ever, but it still felt good to be out of the cold. As we waited for the elevator, I swallowed hard and thought about what I was going to do.
As much as I hated myself for not being able to stop thinking of Enzo, whenever his face popped into my mind, I couldn’t deny the feelings of warmth and lust that came over me. I’d only ever slept with one guy. He was someone I’d known in college, and back then he’d seemed as glamorous as Enzo had.
His name was Peter. We’d both majored in economics, and I loved the way he stood out from all of the other kids—you could tell he didn’t care about being preppy or popular. He had dark hair that was usually long enough to hang in front of his eyes and instead of wearing polo shirts and khakis like the other econ majors, Peter always looked like he was on his way home from band rehearsal.
He’d been aloof and cold, and desperately sexy. I’d spent three years staring at him. Whenever he glanced at me, it felt like my insides were melting. It was the most amazing feeling that I’d ever felt. Well, until I met Enzo at least.
Peter hadn’t paid a lot of attention to me. We got to know each other because of class discussions. Finally, at the end of my last year, some kids in our senior seminar invited me to a party. I almost didn’t go—it was right after I’d adopted Pepper, and I was worried about her being home alone for a few hours.
“But, Audrey,” one of the guys had said with a smirk. “Peter’s going to be there. Don’t you like him?”
At the time, I remembered being mostly embarrassed that everyone could tell how I’d felt. But I’d gone to the party—that had been enough to hook me. I didn’t know what to wear, so I wore a cocktail dress that I’d gotten from a thrift shop. It was definitely the wrong choice: everyone else had been decked out in jeans and T-shirts. But it was enough to make Peter finally talk to me.
I still remembered how it felt when he’d walked up to me and handed me a beer. It was like we’d never met before. Suddenly, his gaze was all over me. After I’d had a few drinks, I was woozy and could barely stand. But Peter put his arm around me and told me that everything was going to be alright. He’d guided me into a back bedroom. I was afraid that he was going to leave me, and when he turned to go, I asked him to stay. Then he’d crawled into bed with me and put his cold, shaky hands up my thrift-store dress.
I hadn’t really liked sex. It had hurt, and then it had felt uncomfortable. Peter had passed out on top of me and wriggling out from under him had hurt a lot. But I’d felt sort of proud in a way. After all, I was no longer a virgin. I finally felt like I’d had a typical college experience, even though it wasn’t nearly as fun as I’d expected. But the experience had done one good thing: it had completely cured me of my attraction to Peter. Whenever I thought of him afterward, I remembered the clumsy way that his fingers had prodded and poked at my body.
I had a feeling that sleeping with Enzo would be the complete opposite of sleeping with Peter. Just thinking of his name made me shudder. A second later, the image of Enzo’s perfect face popped into my mind. I closed my eyes and thought about his perfect gray eyes, his dark hair, the chiseled curve of his jaw. And that body!
My skin prickled and tingled with warmth as I recalled the sensual, feline shape of his limbs. I wondered how his skin would feel pressed up against mine. His scent, that rich, spicy cologne, was enough to make me feel wet for hours. I was dying to know what he used. It was tempting to buy a bottle and spray it on my pillowcase.
After I fixed lunch for myself and Pepper, I got dressed again and braved the cold. It was my weekly shift at the soup kitchen, and I was looking forward to seeing Carl. I hadn’t seen him all week. Before I’d started working at LennoxCo, Carl and I had visited once or twice in the evenings. Usually, I’d treat him to a cheap meal, and then we’d hang out in my apartment. But I hadn’t had time this week—I’d stayed late at LennoxCo almost every night. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of it. When I’d first gotten the job, I’d made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t turn into one of those careless women who forgets about her friends just because of her job. Now, shamefully, I felt like exactly one of those people.
The soup kitchen was crowded and pleasantly warm and humid when I let myself in through the staff door. I could tell there was a bigger crowd than usual—in the winter, we saw almost triple the amount of people who came in the summer. Shelters and food kitchens in Chicago don’t exactly have a reputation for being safe, but Helping Hands Pantry tried hard. I knew almost every single one of the people who volunteered there, and they were all one hundred percent committed to making it a safer place than ever before.
“Hey, Audrey,” one of the other regulars said to me. Her name was Gina, and she was someone I respected. I’d had a few long talks with her when I first graduated from college. Initially, I’d wanted to work for a nonprofit. Gina had a lot of experience, but she definitely made me rethink my decision. I remember her telling me, “If you’re planning on sending money back home, don’t rely on a nonprofit to pay all the bills.”
I shuddered. Being at Helping Hands usually made me feel lucky, but today I just felt guilty. There were so many people in line, and so few of them had jackets or coats. A man was standing across the counter from me who actually looked like he’d been frostbitten.
“Hi,” I said to Gina as I slipped an apron over my head. “What’s going on?”
“We’re so busy today,” she said frantically as she passed a loaded tray of stew, bread, and vegetables to the man with the chapped face. “We had way more people show up than expected and two volunteers called in sick!”
I rolled my eyes and pushed up my sleeves. I always wore plastic gloves at Helping Hands and the sensation of the cool plastic sliding against my skin always took some getting used to.
“I’m sorry this morning has been so hectic,” I said as I helped load up a tray and pass it over the counter. “I should have come in earlier,” I added. “I feel guilty.”
Gina looked at me and laughed. “Audrey, you’re already like the nicest person here. Everyone knows you have a full-time job, and you still volunteer. I wish I could get my daughter to be more like you. She’s so selfish—she won’t even think of volunteering during the holidays!”
I blushed. I didn’t often make it known why I cared so much about charity work. Only Carl knew the real reason: because my family had often eaten at places like this when I was growing up.
“Thanks, Gina,” I said, hoping she’d drop it. She let out a groan and walked back into the kitchen.
It felt like my shift lasted forever. By the time I was done, I was exhausted. My feet were killing me—I’d bought new sneakers and hadn’t had time yet to break them in. All I could think about was going home and snuggling with Pepper on the couch.
When I let myself out of the volunteer exit, I gasped. Enzo was standing right there. It had begun to snow, and he was wearing an amazing black overcoat with a silk scarf and a nice hat.
I rolled my eyes. “Get lost,” I said. “I have to go home and take care of Pepper.” I winced as soon as the words were out of my mouth. “I’m sorry. But I really don’t think you should be here right now. This isn’t a great idea, Enzo.”
“I was waiting for you,” Enzo said. He smiled at me with a cruel twist of his perfect mouth, and arousal spiked in my lower belly. “I wanted to ask you something.”
My mouth suddenly felt heavy and woolen. Dammit, I thought in irritation. I do fine when you’re not around! Then you have to show up and make me feel so flustered!
“Well, what is it?” I stepped closer, my mouth becoming drier with each passing second.
“I wanted to let you know that I’ll leave you alone,” he said casually, spreading his hands through the air.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “So, what, you couldn’t have just told me that at work?” I rolled my eyes. “You had no problem telling everything else there.” I shivered as I remembered our encounter in the supply closet the week before.
“Well, there’s a catch,” Enzo said. His voice was silky and deep.
A strange feeling passed through my body, like my stomach was sliding around and my lower belly was tightening. It almost felt like I’d just sprinted a mile.
“What’s that?”
Enzo stepped closer. “I get to kiss you.”
I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. “Oh yeah?”
Enzo nodded. “Of course, you have my word. I’ll leave you alone; you’ll be a free woman. No more comments, no more staring.”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t believe you. I think you’re just trying to fuck with me.”
Enzo chuckled. “You can’t read my mind,” he said teasingly, raising an eyebrow at me until I felt my whole face covered in a hot flush. “So, you really have no idea, do you?”
I gulped. “You’re ridiculous.” I pushed past him and stalked away. “I don’t believe you, not for a second. You don’t care about kissing me, you only wanna do it to prove a point.”
Enzo raised an eyebrow at me. “You have no way of knowing until you agree,” he said. “So, what do you think?”
I squirmed. Even though the Chicago January was brutal, it wasn’t nearly as bad as being rooted to the spot while my boss stared at my chest. And it’s not like you don’t want him to, a voice in my head chimed in. Admit it. You want to know what it would feel like. You want to know exactly what he’s going to do to you.
Enzo stepped even closer. A wave of his delicious scent came over me, and I had to close my eyes and steady myself against the cold brick of Helping Hands. I braced myself, readying my body for the feel of his perfect lips on mine. I wondered if his hands would roam over my body, I wondered if he’d pull me close. This man was like sex personified, and it was all I could do not to throw myself into his arms and eagerly await the feel of his tongue sliding against my own.
I wouldn’t have admitted this to Enzo, not for all the money in the world, but I’d never really been kissed. All through junior high and high school, I’d been too shy and embarrassed to even think about dating. All of my friends had boyfriends. Every afternoon, before getting on the school bus and going home, they’d kiss in the hallway. Sometimes I watched, trying to imagine how it would feel to be kissed. But no boy ever asked me, and as years passed, I became increasingly aware of the fact that I’d never been kissed.
Peter didn’t even kiss me. Sure, he pressed his sloppy face against mine when we were already having sex, but he never cupped my face in his hands, never kissed my forehead or the tip of my nose. Hell, I wasn’t even sure that he’d made it to my lips.
Enzo chuckled again. “Surely you don’t think that I’m going to kiss you right now,” he said. He raised his eyebrows, and heat swam through my whole body. “Not right in the street, in front of this place.” He gestured towards Helping Hands. “Don’t you know I’m more private than that?”
“Well, I’m not going home with you,” I snapped on the defense. “Like I said, I have to get home and take care of Pepper.”
Enzo shrugged. “Then I guess I’ll walk you home,” he said, his trademark smirk plastered across his face. “It’s not like you don’t know where I live.”
Huffing and shoving my hands in my pockets, I strode in front of Enzo and walked with my head down. The sidewalk was bleached with salt and bits of ice, and I had to watch my footing to make sure I didn’t stumble. The day had turned into a completely brutal endeavor, with snow swirling above our heads and the lake a threatening roar. I shivered.
“It’s so cold,” I grumbled as I stalked through the neighborhood. I’d lived in Pilsen ever since I’d graduated from college. It wasn’t the safest neighborhood in the world, but I liked that there wasn’t a lot of nightlife. Not that I’d ever feel distracted or compelled to go out, but somehow it made me feel better about the crime rate.
Enzo frowned as he trailed behind me to my door “Why do you live in this shithole?”
I gritted my teeth, pushing my key into the lock and turning it as best as I could. “It’s not a shithole,” I said proudly. “It’s my home. I’ve been here for years.”
The tension was thick as Enzo followed me inside. “Well, as long as you like it,” he said in a dubious tone.
I slid my jacket off and put it on the table. Licking my lips, I stared at Enzo. “Well, go on,” I said in frustration. When I realized how the words had sounded, I blushed hard. “Sorry, that’s, um, my Wisconsin accent. I’ve always tried to drop it. I know it makes me sound like a complete hick.”
Enzo stepped forward with a smirk on his face. “I didn’t notice,” he purred silkily. Before I could move, his hands were on the side of my face. His skin was warm and dry despite the arctic temperatures outside, and I shuddered with lust. When his gray eyes stared into mine, I felt like I was going to drown inside of them.
“Audrey,” Enzo purred. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against mine.
For a moment, the kiss felt chaste, wooden. Then it began to warm up. I loved the feel of Enzo’s soft, wide lips against my own. He pressed gently and flicked his tongue between my lips. I let out a slow, liquid moan. As Enzo wrapped me in his arms and pulled me close to his body, my heart began to slam against the walls of my chest. I felt my lower belly kick and tighten with lust and sweat broke out all over my body.
I didn’t even feel myself putting my arms around Enzo’s neck. He was taller than I, much taller, and to kiss him, I had to raise myself up on my tiptoes. Enzo growled into my mouth, pressing his lips against mine and gently sucking my tongue. I tasted the warm air from his mouth and felt my body shudder with arousal. This was the most passionate moment of my life, and I didn’t want it to end.
I felt myself melting against him, hungry, like I was suddenly desperate for his body. My nipples stiffened in my bra, and my crotch began to pulse and ache. I wanted him to put his hand between my legs, I wanted him to rub my nipples until I was moaning with lust. Enzo slid his hands down my body and gently squeezed my ass. The vibrations that accompanied his touch felt amazing, and I threw my head back and moaned as he touched me. As I felt Enzo’s hot lips move down my neck, I shuddered with pleasure.
Enzo stepped away and gazed at me with an odd look on his face. “That’s that, then,” he said in a businesslike tone. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
But when he’d let himself out the door and closed it, I found myself still standing there, wondering what the hell had just happened. Everything inside me wanted to scream back to him, to call him back, to urge him to kiss me again. I wanted him to kiss me again. Hell, I wanted him to take me to bed and do a lot worse than just kiss me.
I straightened myself up. You won’t call him back, will you? the voice in my head taunted me. I closed my eyes.
“No, I won’t call him back,” I said aloud. “I definitely won’t call him back.”
# # #
I spent Sunday wallowing with Pepper and feeling sorry for myself. I even caught myself glancing at my phone, pathetically checking to see whether or not Enzo would call. Pepper looked at me and whined after the second time I did it. I rolled my eyes and reached down, rubbing her between the ears until she started howling with pleasure.
“I know, I’m being stupid,” I told her as she rolled onto her back and put her legs up in the air. I began rubbing Pepper’s belly as vigorously as I could until she closed her eyes and began making a relaxed, happy sound. “But I can’t help it, Pep. It’s like every time he looks at me, I feel like my heart’s going to fall out of my butt.”
Pepper growled. She rolled onto her belly and gazed up at me with her baleful brown eyes.
“I know, I know,” I said, looking away and feeling oddly indignant. “But you’ve never been in this situation before, you don’t know what it’s like.” I rolled my eyes. “Imagine if that German shepherd from the dog park wanted to sleep with you, Pepper. You know he’s a bad dog, and he’s probably slept with half of those other pooches. But you still think he’s attractive! Why is that?”
Pepper barked once, and I massaged her ears. “I know,” I said, making a face. “I know I’m being ridiculous. But I don’t know what else to do!”
After a mostly sleepless night, I hauled myself out of bed on Monday morning and decided that this week was going to be different. Enzo would be ignoring me, just as he promised, and I’d be able to stay out of his hair. I imagined that my workdays would go much more smoothly now. Without Enzo to distract me, I’d probably become a halfway decent assistant.
I still felt horrible about the whole Hodges/Hotchkiss mix-up. Deep down, I knew that if Enzo weren’t so gorgeous, I probably would have had an easier time concentrating on taking his messages. It was hard to listen to people on the phone when I knew that someone so sexy was watching my every move.
As I took the “L” from Pilsen into the Loop for work, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Enzo’s mouth had felt on my own. I’d spent hours thinking of the moment since Saturday, and now I realized that I’d be seeing him for the first time face-to-face since then. I felt so stupid. How could I not have realized that things weren’t going to magically change between us? Enzo was my boss, and now I’d have to stare at him all day knowing that I’d gotten my chance and thrown it away.
At the same time, it wasn’t exactly like I could just walk away from LennoxCo. I really needed this job—it was more important than anything else in my life. And I needed Enzo to keep me employed. I knew what happened to the girls who fell for him, or just slept with him: they wound up with settlement checks and a pink slip.
A long time ago, I’d vowed to never become the kind of girl who let a man ruin her life. That was part of the reason why I’d never been that interested in dating, or boyfriends. It was fine and good for my friends, but I never wanted to worry about falling victim to my heart.
The way I saw it, you liked someone, and then they wound up hurting you. Even if they promised they wouldn’t, it usually happened in the end. It was easier to stay alone or stay with Pepper. Pepper would never hurt me, or cheat on me, or break my heart. She was a dog; man’s best friend, after all.
Feeling like I actually wanted Enzo in my life was the scariest thing of all. Maybe even scarier than realizing how badly I wanted to sleep with him.
“Good morning, Audrey,” Enzo said as I brought in his morning coffee. “How was your weekend?” He kept his perfect gray eyes glued to his computer screen.
“It was fine. I took Pepper—”
“That’ll be all for now,” Enzo said smoothly. He took the coffee mug from my trembling hands and placed it on his desk. When I didn’t leave immediately, he looked up at me over the rims of his wireless glasses. “Audrey, is there something you need? Something I can help you with?”
“No,” I said miserably as I backed away in the direction of my desk. “I’m fine.”
The rest of the day was even worse; Enzo ignored me for the most part. I’d never felt as crazy in my life as I did all during that Monday. I kept wondering if there was something wrong with me. Did I have a stain on the seat of my skirt? Did I smell? Was there something in my teeth? But every time I went to the bathroom, I was greeted with the same expression as before. I looked like a depressed young woman with boring brown hair and blue eyes.
“No wonder Enzo doesn’t want you,” I said to my reflection.
I was startled to hear the sound of a toilet flushing behind me. As Karen walked out of the stall, looking perfectly coiffed and blonder than ever, I blushed.
“Excuse me?” Karen leaned in my face. “Did you say something?”
“N-no,” I stammered. “Well, um, yes, but not to you.” Then I darted out of the bathroom before she could ask me anything else, cursing myself all the way back to my desk.
Every time I heard Enzo’s voice or heard his footsteps moving around in his office, I jumped up, thinking that soon he’d have to talk to me. But he stayed on the phone almost all day, and each time I caught a glimpse of his face, I realized how stressed and unhappy he looked. I wondered if something was bothering him; something that I should ask about.
But then I realized there was nothing I could do to improve Enzo’s quality of life. It was easy to see why he’d been able to toss me aside so quickly. Compared to him, I was just a boring little mouse.