I was afraid of who I was becoming when I was with Enzo, pure and simple. Pulling off the silk robe had really made me realize it: it didn’t matter what he said about clothing. I got that he had a point about the office—thinking about embarrassing him with my sartorial decisions made me feel horrible—but if we were going to be together, I was going to keep my clothes.
“That’s right, Pep,” I told her as we waited on the frigid “L” platform for the next train. It was so cold that, for a moment, I’d regretted my decision to leave Enzo’s toasty condo. I wish I could have called a cab, but I didn’t want to spend any money. Not knowing how much longer I’d have a job was definitely taking a toll on me.
Pepper wagged her tail, then sat down and whined at the cold platform. I winced and reached down, stroking her soft fur with my gloved hand. As I stamped my feet, I checked the timetable—the nearest train was still twenty minutes away. It was sometime after midnight, and I was lucky that I’d managed to catch the last one at all.
Even though it would probably take me over an hour to get home, I was glad that I’d left. I didn’t want Enzo to wake up, and I cringed when I thought of his reaction to the clothes. After all, I didn’t think what I’d done was gracious. Another girl, probably any other girl, would have taken the clothes. But I didn’t want to let Enzo, the man I loved, change who I was inside. I didn’t want to become mean and superficial like Karen or those other girls he’d slept with. After all, if he liked me for me, he’d understand that.
Assuming that he likes you and you’re not just another notch on his bedpost. Haven’t you ever heard about virgin fetish? I shuddered as the small voice in my head popped up, determined to undermine how I was feeling. I hated that I couldn’t think anything without doubting myself. I envied Enzo—that didn’t seem like a problem that he ever struggled with. He was the kind of guy who didn’t let anything faze him. Or at least, not that he showed.
Pepper rubbed against my legs. She was cold, and I felt guilty, but there was nowhere else to go. After sunset, the Loop usually got pretty deserted. Only rich people like Enzo could afford to live downtown, and most people who worked in the office buildings went home to their suburbs or other neighborhoods.
It felt eerie, almost like a ghost town. I’d rarely been downtown past closing hour, and it was definitely the first time I’d taken the late train by myself. I knew that I shouldn’t be afraid—after all, my weekly shifts at Helping Hands were probably more dangerous than anything else—but the crime rate in Chicago had skyrocketed as of late. Suddenly, I was nervous that I wouldn’t even make it home.
Pepper whined again. “I know, girl, you didn’t have dinner, but we’ll have some meatballs when we get home, okay?” She whimpered, rubbing her face against my legs. I rubbed my hands together; my fingers were starting to go numb even in my fleece gloves. As I looked out over the tracks, there was a weird scraping noise, seemingly from underneath the platform. I jumped a foot in the air. Suddenly, I was actually scared. I wanted to go home. Hell, I didn’t just want to go home, I wanted to be with Enzo. A lump swelled up in my throat as I thought of him, warm and snuggled in his bed, not four blocks from where I stood.
“It’s okay, Pepper,” I said nervously. “We’re going to be okay.” She barked, and I felt a slight surge of confidence—maybe whoever was out there wouldn’t want to mess with me knowing that I had a dog. As she got up and paced around me in a little circle, I strained and listened in vain for the sound again.
The air was silent. My nose tingled with the cold, and when I looked up into the inky black sky, I saw tiny flakes of snow coming down towards my face. Great, I thought sourly. That’s just awesome. Now I’ll be a brick of ice by the time the train gets here. Maybe Pepper can drag me onboard.
Stamping my feet in a useless effort to warm up, I finally saw a flicker of light all the way at the end of the platform. As the train approached, the platform shook and quivered with the weight of the train. Gratefully, I took off my gloves and started to blow on my frozen hands. They were so cold that my breath felt like an icy blast and I cried out in pain, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my jumper.
When the doors of the train opened, I hurled myself inside. It was hot and sour-smelling—there was a homeless person curled up on the bench across from me—but I was so grateful to be out of the cold that I didn’t even mind. Pepper curled up on thebench and rested her head on my lap. Closing my eyes, I relaxed and let my head thump against the window. I didn’t want to watch as the train pulled out of the station and away from Enzo. I couldn’t bear it.
Shifting in my seat, I wondered if he’d be unhappy with me for leaving. He was both possessive and controlling. Oddly, I didn’t mind as long as I could exercise some degree of autonomy. I wasn’t going to change my life for Enzo, but I didn’t mind a little domination in the bedroom.
Pepper whined. “Hush,” I said softly. “It’s not my fault that thinking about him makes me so hot and bothered.” She whined and thumped her tail against the seat. “I know, girl,” I said as I rubbed her ears. “I know. It’s late. We’ll be home soon.”
As the “L” train hurtled through the darkness, carrying me up and away from the city, I felt a strange sense of calm blanket my limbs. There were so many mornings that I’d seen women, still clad in evening clothes with lipstick clinging to their mouths, struggling on the train. I was finally one of them. I was finally one of those girls who stayed out all night at a guy’s place and then returned home in the wee hours of the morning.
Even though it was miserable and cold outside, I could tell that it was just before dawn. I didn’t entirely feel good about my revelation. For all the happiness that Enzo brought me, I still wasn’t sure that I’d be able to do a good job maintaining my life without him.
We screeched to a stop, and my stomach froze. The homeless man across the aisle from me didn’t even stir as the lights on the train blinked on and off. Suddenly, I felt just afraid as I had back on the platform. Chicago at night was an entirely different creature than Chicago during the safe daylight hours, and I couldn’t wait until I was home and snuggled on the couch with Pepper. It was almost daylight, which meant that I could maybe shower and nap for an hour or so before going into work.
The train finally reached Pilsen, and I gently pushed Pepper off the bench as we exited the train. The first pinky-gray streaks of dawn were starting in a far-off corner of the sky, and I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. I was too far away from Lake Michigan to smell anything fresh, but it smelled like home all the same. My home, where there wasn’t a single silk item in the whole apartment. I grinned to myself as Pepper and I jogged up the stairs. Sure, it wasn’t Enzo’s luxe high-rise, but it was what we knew.
Pepper barked and growled, stopping dead in her tracks as I took my keys out. I looked down and saw that the fur on the back of her neck was sticking straight up.
“Girl, what’s wrong?” I asked in a soothing tone. I reached down to stroke her, and she tensed again, growling and backing away from the door. “Pepper? Did something happen?”
Frowning, I looked at the door. Everything looked fine—it hadn’t been broken, or jammed open. Still, a sense of fright and unease descended over me. Pepper never acted up unless something was really wrong. What did she know that I didn’t?
“Pepper, come on,” I insisted. “Stop being such a silly goose. You’re coming with me girl, okay?” She dug her paws into the wooden landing and refused to move, growling and barking sharply. I winced. “Pepper, hush!” I scolded her. “We have neighbors!” My mouth went dry, and my heart started to beat faster in my chest as I slowly pushed the door open. For a moment, everything looked fine.
Then my eyes adjusted and I let out a scream of fright. The inside of my apartment had been completely ransacked. The kitchen was a mess—all of the doors to the pantry were open, and everything had been pulled out and tossed on the floor. I felt shocked, like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over my head. Pepper growled again, and I gripped her leash tighter, pulling her inside the door with me.
“Hello?” I called loudly. My voice trembled and I cursed myself—I was the least intimidating woman out there! “Hello? Who’s there?”
There was no answer as I slowly slipped into the house, treading as lightly as I possibly could on the floor. Pepper strained and tugged at the leash. She pulled me into the living room, and I let out a small gasp. It was completely destroyed, even more so than the kitchen had been. The couch had been ripped apart—stuffing and slashed cushions littered the floor—and my TV was broken and smoking on the ground. I winced as I trod over some broken glass. It crunched under my boots, sending a scary tremor through my body.
I bit my lip as tears welled up in my eyes. My whole apartment was ruined! What the hell was I supposed to do now? Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my cell phone. Enzo was the last person I wanted to call, but I knew he was the only one I could turn to.
Pepper barked as I dialed his number.
“I know you don’t like him, Pep, but we don’t have a lot of options right now,” I said to her as I braced the phone between my shoulder and my cheek.
Pepper growled in response.