Aiden
The next two days were spent in the basement. I honestly couldn’t tell you how badly it hurt to work as hard as I had been, but I managed. I took extra NSAIDs to keep from taking more narcotics. I didn’t like pain meds at all, but the pain was unbearable if I missed one.
I kept to my word and didn’t lift anything or even use a drill. I stuck to measuring, cutting, and holding things in place while Jax did all the drilling. The frame for the floor was finished after day one thanks to Desiree’s mother, Lana. Elizabeth had called her and told her what was going on and she came right over to help.
I was grateful for the work as it kept distance between Desiree and me. Every look she gave me brought new pain. I kept thinking that things would go back to normal once the week was over, but it wouldn’t.
She and I would stay in touch, and I would still hear her voice. I’d still hear her laugh. She’d probably still gripe at me for something or other if I wasn’t taking good care of myself. I couldn’t get her out of my head.
Distance. Distance was the answer.
That wasn’t the only reason that I volunteered to help with the new floor. I wanted to see her happy. I knew what happened down there. A new coat of paint was great, but I wanted her to be able to walk down there without seeing a single thing that reminded her of his death. A brand-new floor with brand new carpet would feel much homier. I only wanted her happiness. It terrified me, but I cared a lot about her.
While the thought killed me, I hoped that a miracle would happen, and some guy would catch her attention. I wanted her to be happy, but I knew that wouldn’t be with me. I’d never had a stable relationship in my life because of the military. More than that, how in the hell could I betray my best friend like that?
There I was, standing in the very room he died in, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kiss his wife. His widow. How badly I wanted to tell her that I thought she was amazing and wanted to be with her. It was driving me insane. The push and pull, the guilt of it all, but the pleasure of thinking of her.
“Hey, man,” Jax said, pulling me out of my head. “You okay?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I’m good.”
His eyes narrowed. “Something’s eating at you. What is it?”
Should I? Shouldn’t I? The back and forth of needing to speak but being afraid to was making my chest hurt even worse.
“Speak,” Jax said. “Say something, anything. You look like you’re about to have a stroke, man. You feeling okay?”
I sighed. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “No. I’m not.”
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“More than I can keep straight, at the moment. My biggest concern, however, is that I’m the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met.”
Jax laughed. “I think you and I are talking about two completely different people. You’re not a piece of shit. Not in the least. Why do you think that?”
I paused. I couldn’t say it. Not out loud. My brows furrowed as the need to speak became unbearable, but I fought through it. After a few moments, Jax’s face reflected realization.
“Oooh,” he said, his eyes drifting upward. “It’s Desi, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “I don’t know what happened. I’ve heard hundreds of stories about that girl. I’ve always known she was amazing, but I’d only seen her in person a couple of times. You can register that a woman is beautiful and a great wife without thinking anymore about it. That’s what I’d always done. I’d always seen her as nothing more than a friend, but I can’t see her like that anymore. I seriously have no idea what happened. I don’t know how I let myself care about my best friend’s girl.”
“Do you love her?” Jax asked.
Wow. That was a big one.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s the closest thing I’ve ever felt to it. If it isn’t, then I don’t know what is. I’ve never had that bond with anyone before. I’ve cared quite a bit for girls that I was with. I’ve never been an asshole. I’ve never been one to use women to get what I wanted, but that didn’t change the fact that my relationships were always basic at best. All I know is that I can’t stand to look her in the eye. I can’t stand to be around her. I keep wanting to say something, but I know it’s wrong.”
“Do you honestly think that Caleb would have wanted both of you to be miserable?”
“No,” I said. “But I doubt he’d want my screwing his wife, either.”
Jax laughed. “You’re looking at this from all the wrong angles. If you wanted to use her, then you are a dick. If you only want to get her in bed, then you don’t deserve her. As far as I’m concerned, you can leave right now. Fuck your oath, fuck all that because you’re only going to hurt her. Is that the case?”
My eyes widened. It stung that he’d thought and said that, but she was family to him. She was his to protect until someone worthy came along. I’d only asked to share the responsibility. I couldn’t blame him for being so blunt. It kinda made me like him even more.
“No. It hurts to even think of doing something like that to her,” I said.
“Then you have more than a crush,” he replied. “I can’t tell you that you’re in love with her because I don’t know. Girls will sit around and be silly about that crap all day, but I’m being realistic. What I can tell you, is that you care about her more than anyone else you’ve been with. If you don’t want to see her hurt, then you have no reason to worry about what Caleb would have thought. I don’t mean any disrespect, but he is gone. His widow has been left behind to deal with that loss for a year now.
“If you’re the right guy for her, why make her go date a bunch of scumbags only to make her miss her late husband even more when she gets cheated on or worse? You are a good and honorable man. You took a bullet to protect us. You might not have jumped in front of it, but you damn well knew that was the risk of what you were doing. I know you’d protect her. If you love her, then you are the right man for her. You’ll take care of her no matter what. You owe it to yourself to find out how she feels. Just be patient about it.”
“We haven’t even spent that much time together, certainly not alone. We’ve had a few late-night conversations at the kitchen table, but nothing major. I don’t understand what is pulling me so hard in her direction. I highly doubt she feels the same,” I said.
“You feel that way because she is an amazing person. You’ve never had any kind of real family before. It makes sense that you feel comfort with her and don’t want to lose it. Don’t look so much into it. We can’t analyze the way we feel every step of the way. Hell, Elizabeth did that and we nearly let each other go. It took me getting wasted ass drunk and showing up on her doorstep in the cold rain. Don’t sit and think too much, or you’ll drive yourself crazy. Just talk to her.”
His words inspired hope in me. As we talked more about it, I found myself opening up even more. It felt good to get that off my chest and out in the open. I wanted to tell her, but I had to wait. It needed to be after the party and not before. What terrible timing that was.
There was also the matter of telling her the biggest thing I’d kept locked away. If I were her, I had no idea if I’d be able to forgive me. For over a year I’d had an email that Caleb had sent to me. It had been sitting in my inbox, unopened, for that long. It was sent the day that he died, but I didn’t get it until it was too late. It was the biggest reason why I felt the guilt that I did.
Caleb had died in a much different way than what he’d always worried about. He worried that he’d die in combat. In such a case, I was to be the one to tell her. Then, I was to be the one to comfort her and to stay by her side and make sure that everything was okay until she’d moved on. Until she dismissed me.
The day that he died, he sent me an email that explained to me exactly what was happening and that he expected me to live up to the promises that I’d made him. He assured me that she’d need me for what was about to come. He said that I should stay close for as long as I could, but not to lose touch when I couldn’t.
But that wasn’t all…
There was a second email sent. It was directly to her. He sent it to me because he wanted to ensure that I’d go to her. He wanted to make absolutely certain that I’d have to see her. That I’d have to hand it to her myself. What he didn’t take into consideration was my intense fear of everything he’d asked me to do. I hadn’t either until it was upon me, or I’d never have made the promise. I’d have been honest with him and told him that I couldn’t be that man.
A year later, I was determined to right the wrongs that I’d made. In the process of doing so, however, I’d made more. I’d fallen for his girl. Things had grown to be very complicated. I decided that I would tell her how I felt first, so I could make sure to come clean about everything, whether she found that to be a blessing or an act of betrayal, and then I’d tell her the rest. The possibility was very real that she may throw me out of her life completely. If she did, I’d take it as a sign that we truly weren’t meant to be together. I’d hate myself forever, but I’d do anything she asked of me, even if that meant never looking upon that beautiful face again.