Desiree
Aiden kissed me one last time and stepped back, sneaking out of the bathroom door. He’d just finished getting dressed and I needed to shower. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. My brain was so full that it was silent as I showered. I couldn’t focus on a single thought, only shock was there. Did that really just happen? Did I really just have sex? With Aiden? The best friend of my husband? And on the very day that I was to visit his grave and say my goodbyes?
Oh, how my head ached. I needed to stay away from Aiden for the time being until I got the chance to think things through. Once I was out, I put my hair in a towel and quickly got dressed. I stepped outside the bathroom door and sighed. It was so much cooler in the hall. I shut the door behind me before resting against the frame. The rapid wandering of my brain had no intention of slowing down as I stood there trying to collect myself. I saw movement out of my peripheral and I turned to see Elizabeth standing there, a knowing smile on her face.
“Earlier, did I hear what I think I heard?” she asked.
“Shut up,” I said before walking off.
“Ooooh, no. Get back here,” she said. “What happened?”
“How much did you hear?” I asked, guilt all over my face.
“Not much I suppose. I was walking to the bathroom and heard something slam hard against it. Then I heard talking. Very sexy talking. Soon thereafter it turned in to moaning and…”
“Shit,” I said.
Elizabeth laughed. “You don’t cuss often, so it must be good. Spill it, sister.”
I made some coffee while we talked about what happened. It wouldn’t be long before guests started showing up and I needed to get it off my chest very quickly. Elizabeth was a great listener, but she was doing a terrible job of hiding her shock. The poker face was not strong with that one.
“How do you feel about him?” Elizabeth asked.
I shrugged. “He’s a really great guy. I don’t know him any better than you do, but he’s been quite a blessing around here. Today is the day that I lay my husband to rest for good. Last year it was his body, this year it is our life together. That was the worst idea ever.”
“I’m not so sure,” Elizabeth said. “Sure, it seems a bit insensitive, but in reality, Caleb has been gone a year. In a breakup or even separated by death, most people wait anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. It’s only the ones that were truly devastated that wait longer. You lasted a whole year before you found that you had an attraction to someone.”
“Yeah – his best friend,” I said.
“Have you ever stopped to think that maybe he asked Aiden to take care of you for a reason?”
“Are you trying to say that my husband found me a husband in case he ever died?” It was a completely sarcastic question, but it certainly seemed as though that’s where she was headed with her comment.
“I’m not saying that. Not exactly anyway. I’m also not not saying it either. He wanted to make sure you were taken care of. That you had a good friend. He knew how likeable Aiden was. Don’t you think it occurred to him even once that you guys might end up together?” she asked.
“No. I don’t. I think that he would be disgusted by this. I am so ashamed of myself. I can’t believe I let my body control me like that.”
“It’s done,” Elizabeth said, placing her hand on mine. “The only person that you’re betraying right now is Aiden. He cares a lot about you. Don’t make such a beautiful thing dirty. Take some time to think about it, but realize that you were both two consenting adults and you were both feeling something for one another, or it wouldn’t have happened. Remember that.”
***
Aiden
I couldn’t tell what Desiree was going through. Throughout the entire party, she moved seamlessly through the crowd, but she refused to make eye contact with me at all. I felt bad enough as it was, but worrying that she regretted what happened made it far worse.
The food was wonderful, the toasts were hilarious, and the overall atmosphere was very positive. As far as normal parties went, it was a success. Mix in the fact the reason why we were all there, to celebrate the life of a man that had passed a year ago, and it could be considered a blowout. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride knowing that I’d been able to help Desi pull it all together, but that was harshly overshadowed by my fear.
It was time for everyone to load up with their respective designated driver and head over to the cemetery. My chest began to ache. Not only had I popped a couple of my stitches open while I was with Desi that morning, but there was an anxiety attack brewing. Jesus. I’d done multiple tours in war torn areas and I could deal with that just fine. Make me face my own mistakes and I was a mess. This mistake, however, was not any mistake.
I was about to stand at the grave of my best friend, essentially seeing him in the best way that I could for the first time in over a year. I was about to stand there knowing that I had sex with my best friend’s widow. Not only that, but I hadn’t even delivered his final message to her. I had sex with her… and I still hadn’t told her the truth. I still hadn’t given her the closure that she so desperately needed a year ago. I cost that woman a year of her life and…
You’re a fucking idiot, I thought to myself.
I couldn’t even bring myself to think anymore. My heart was racing as all of us drove over to the cemetery. I was in the car with Desi, Jax, and Elizabeth, but Desi did her absolute best to keep her distance from me. She stared out the window the entire time. I had to tell her. I had to do it. I couldn’t live with that any longer, especially after that morning.
When we arrived at his gravesite, Desi was the first to walk forward and place a single white rose on the ground just in front of the headstone. I watched everyone walk up, one by one. I stayed back. I wanted to be very last. I didn’t want to go up there at all. It was ridiculous. I acted as if he’d reach up through the ground and pull me under with him, but that actually would have been less terrifying to me.
“Are you going to go?” Jax asked.
I shook my head. “I did a bad thing.”
“I heard,” Jax said. “It’s not a bad thing. It was a beautiful thing. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It shames the gift that she gave you, especially in the condition that she’s in.”
“I don’t mean that,” I said. “Well, I do. That’s what I’m talking about, but not at all what you suggested. I meant that I had sex with her, amazing, mind-blowing, loving, bonding sex and I still haven’t told her that I’ve been holding the key to her closure for the last year.”
“She’s found her closure,” Jax said. “All of us took part in helping her with that.”
“Uh, yeah. That’s great and all, but I could have handed it to her the day he was buried, and she could have been free of the worst of it within a few short weeks. Not twelve long months. I took a whole year from her.”
Jax sighed. “That’s rough. I’m not going to stand here and pretend that’s no big deal, because it is. Regardless, you have to tell her the truth. If she comes around and falls into your arms and wants to start something real with you, you’ll always have this hanging over you. The longer you wait, the worse it will be.”
“And if she kicks me out of her life?” I asked.
Jax’s eyes met mine. “That is the risk you’re going to have to take. If you’re truly willing to sacrifice everything for her, then you need to be willing to potentially sacrifice everything you have with her if it means being honest with her. A relationship built on a lie is nothing at all.”
He was right. I was being selfish. I was willing to take a bullet for her, but I couldn’t tell her a simple secret that would damn any chance that I had of being with her.
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m not myself here lately. She’s in my head and I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m going to wait until everyone leaves.”
“Wise choice,” Jax said. “God speed, brother. You’re gonna need it.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said.
He shrugged and smiled. “Just keeping it honest, man. Stay strong.”
I took a deep breath and watched everyone make their way through. It was the official goodbye. It was done a bit backwards, saying the goodbye last, but it was how Desi had wanted it. What she wanted, she got. She said that she wanted everyone tipsy and in a good mood before going over. Everyone was much more likely to be loosened up and to be themselves. That’s what she wanted him to see, if he was looking. Not everyone stone cold sober and on the verge of tears.
It seemed to work. Everyone wandered up and gave a funny or heartfelt story before laying their flower of choice down and walking away. It was beautiful. He deserved a big farewell like that. We should have put it together for him the first time, but this would have to do.
When everyone had finished and said their goodbyes to Desi and Elizabeth, the girls were left standing with Jax at the grave. I took another deep breath and made my way over. Jax and Elizabeth each gave me a sad smile. It was forced and quite pitiful, but I knew why. What was about to happen would not be good.
“Hey,” I said, coming to stand next to Desi. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
My heart was already racing. I didn’t know if I could do it, but there wasn’t really an option.
“Uh, I don’t know,” she said.
Somehow, her unease made it easier. It was a middle ground. If she was very upset, I didn’t want to make it worse. If she was very happy, I didn’t want to crash it. She was somewhere in the middle. It could go either way, but I had a feeling I knew which direction that would be.
“I don’t know if this is the place,” she said.
“There’s something that I need to tell you. It can’t wait any longer. I feel like I need to do this right here. Right in front of Caleb. He needs to know how I’ve failed. Him and you.”
Her brows furrowed. “What do you mean? What do you need to tell me? How did you fail me? Are you talking about earlier?”
Her questions came fast and without pause. She was just as nervous talking about it there as I was.
“No. Yes. It’s a few different things.” My chest ached as I stared into her eyes. “A year ago, I came home to an email from a friend. I ignored it at first, deciding to respond a bit later, but that turned out to be a very bad decision.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Caleb?”
I nodded.
“What did it say?” she asked.
“There were two,” I said. “The first one detailed exactly what he planned to do and exactly what he wanted me to do. I was to fulfill the promise that I’d made a thousand times to him before. He altered it to the situation at hand. Obviously, he didn’t die in battle and I couldn’t be the one to inform you of his passing, so in lieu of that, I was to go to you and take care of you. I was to stand by your side and make sure that you never suffered more than what would be normal.”
She wiped the tears from her cheeks that had fallen. “I knew about that,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “But you didn’t know about the second part.”
Desi paused as she waited for me to continue. I looked down at Caleb’s headstone and I felt the weight pressing on me to finish. I wondered if the weight would lift, or if it would feel worse afterward.
“The second part of his email told me that I would receive a second email, and I had. That email was to go to you. He emailed me the letter that he wrote specifically for you to ensure that I would go to you and carry out his wishes.”
Her jaw fell open, anger encroaching on her beautiful face. “I never received that email, Aiden. I never received anything at all. Are you telling me that this entire last year I believed that my final goodbye was just him telling me that he loved me before I left to go get his favorite ice cream? Are you saying that was my reality for all that time, but that you held the real goodbye?”
Tears fell down my own cheeks. There it was. That fire he’d spoken of, only it was aimed directly at me. That was pure hatred on her face and it was killing me.
“Y-yes,” I choked out. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”
“You bastard,” she said. “You know… I could let go the fact that you screwed the pooch on the past year because you were a bitch, but what about the last week? That is what hurts. You’ve listened to my stories. My pain. I stayed up late with you as we both shared our guilt with one another. You knew that I’d tortured myself for a year and you still didn’t say anything?”
“I’m so sorry, Desi,” I said. “I am. God, I am so sorry.”
“Don’t call me that,” she said coldly. “Desiree will do just fine for those who aren’t close friends. I can’t believe that you kept that from me. And this morning? You knew! I can’t blame you for what happened because it was me that started it, but I never would have initiated anything with you if I hadn’t trusted you so completely! Aiden… I did. I trusted you completely. An entire year I tortured myself over how he died, and I had no idea it was coming.”
“I know,” I said. “If I’d checked my email when I’d gotten them, maybe we could have saved him. I’ve been over that a thousand times.”
“I’ve seen this a lot, you know,” she said. “If he wanted to go, he was going to go. We stood a chance of saving him, but I have realized that there was a damn good chance that no matter what we did, even if you did check your email in time, that he still would have died. I’ve let that go. Though it took an entire year to do it!” She shouted that last part. “Apparently, because I didn’t get the official suicide letter. What did it say, Aiden?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “It wasn’t for me. I never read it. I couldn’t bring myself to, especially after I left town. I couldn’t bear to see it knowing that I’d abandoned you and betrayed him. Had I known I’d have twisted that knife further, today mostly, then I’d have just swallowed the pain and got it over with. I was a coward and I’m sorry.”
“What the hell were you so afraid of?” she asked. “You had nothing to fear. I forgave you for leaving after the funeral. This would have been right along with it. I’d have hated you a bit longer, but I would have gotten over it after I realized that mistake was connected to the first one and you were there to make things better. Instead, you’ve been staying with us for days while I nurse you, feed you, welcome you into our family, even give myself to you, and all while you’re sitting on the Grand Canyon of all key pieces of information. What were you afraid of?”
“I was terrified of losing you!” I shouted. “I love you, Desiree. I felt terrible about it and I still do, but I can’t help it! I’ve never felt what a real family was like. You showed me that and I couldn’t bear to lose that amazing feeling. You showed me a life I never dreamed of having.”
“And now you have,” she said.
It was simple. Straight to the point. Brutal.
“Please,” I said. “Please let me…”
“No,” she said. “There is no making this up. He trusted you. He trusted you with his life, with his wife, with his last requests, and this is what you did with that trust. Hell, look what you did with mine. You are no longer welcome in my life and certainly not in my family. Aiden Walsh, I never want you to darken my doorstep again. I will never forgive you for this.”
I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I simply reached into my pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. On it was written my email address and password. In that email was a folder dedicated to Caleb. I’d always saved all his emails. I figured that one day I could print them, wrap them, and give them to he and Desiree as an anniversary gift or to his kids one day.
They were always full of love for his wife and their little life together. I wanted her, and any potential children that they may have together, to know that they were all he ever thought about. I no longer had any need for all those.
All that was left in that email was meant for Desi anyway. It was only fair that she have it. Not only the personalized letter that he’d meant for her to see, but all the wonderful things that he never meant for her to see, but that would hopefully bring her a bit more peace.
“Goodbye, Desiree. I will never forget everything you’ve taught me in the very brief time that we’ve spent together. Though we haven’t been around one another very much, I’ve admired you for years. I meant what I said. I will always be there if you need me. I wish you the best and I pray that you find someone that is worthy of you that can give you everything you deserve, including all the beautiful little babies you want.”
With that, I turned and walked away. I wasn’t about to ask for a ride back to the house. I would take a cab or walk. I didn’t care. I’d just lost the only good thing I’d ever truly had in my life aside from a great friendship. I lost my chance at a real life. All I could hope for was that I didn’t just rob her of hers.
Desiree
When I got home that night I sat at the computer and stared at the small piece of paper in my hand. I had never been so angry. I felt so betrayed. It was hard to say if some of that was due to us having been intimate with one another that morning. In fact, I was pretty sure that a lot of it was.
Still… Even though I was the one that started it, and he did try to stop it, he knew what he was hiding, and he could have been more forceful. There was also the option of him blurting it out right there in the bathroom. I’d have been pissed, but at least respected the man for putting me and my feelings above sex. It might have taken a few days, but I’d have forgiven him. Instead, he chose the path that he did and betrayed me further.
Opening Aiden’s email was… Well, there wasn’t a word for it. As I sat there looking at the empty inbox, I peered over to see a folder marked “Martin.” It said that there were hundreds in there. Not only one or two. I opened them and was rushed with memories. They talked back and forth, and I saw firsthand why Caleb used to joke and say, “Walsh probably knows you better than Lizzy at this point.” Even Aiden had said something similar, that he felt like he’d known me for years, not only days. It was obvious why.
Those emails contained intimate details of our marriage and of me. Everything from sweet things that he wanted to do for me, my plans for college or work, the frustration that he felt about not being able to give me what I wanted – meaning a baby… There was so much. Aiden always responded kindly and gave him surprisingly great advice for someone that had no idea what family really was.
Due to the sensitive nature of the emails, it took me nearly three months to get through all of them and I felt terrible for having been so harsh to Aiden. He’d always been a best friend to Caleb, a real one. There was no question about that, but he’d made some pretty bad mistakes.
I certainly hadn’t completely forgiven him, but he certainly didn’t deserve the amount of hate that I threw at him that day. There was no way that I could force myself to look at him or talk to him after that. I couldn’t take back the terrible things that I said.
There were only two emails left. I’d saved them for last. When I found the others, I wanted to read them all. I wanted to read every incoming email from Caleb and every outgoing email that Aiden responded with.
I wanted a timeline of his life, the side of him that I didn’t see. What I got was a wonderful look into what Caleb really thought and said about me. I truly was a lucky woman. Not many women could say the worst thing their husband ever said about them behind their back was that she was being “difficult” about something and that it was pissing him off. That was it. The worst. No complaints about me or our marriage, only a situation that may have arisen.
Toward the end, the emails started to get a bit darker. Nothing extreme. Had I been the recipient, I couldn’t guarantee that I’d have seen his suicide coming from them. He was only having a rough time coping with some things. I was finally able to see some of the details of what he’d seen and had to do over there that caused him so much pain and it allowed me to understand.
I quickly read through the email that he’d addressed for Aiden and Aiden was spot on about what it entailed. Directions about how to take care of me and what he needed to do with the following email. I closed it and saw the final one, dark black lettering where it had never been opened. I clicked it and tears immediately filled my eyes.
My Love,
I have loved you from the moment that I saw you. Everything about you amazes me every day. How I was the one that was lucky enough to wake up to you every day, I’ll never know. You didn’t know it, but I woke up early every morning. It was a habit from being in the military all those years. I’d wake up at 5 AM every morning, even with my alarm set for 5:30. Not too early, but enough to allow me the peace to think.
Sometimes I’d worry, especially later on when my mind became dark and untamable. I’d stare at the ceiling and worry about money or work. Whatever it was, that was when I’d worry most. Did you know that you make the most adorable noises in your sleep? I never told you because I didn’t want you to be self-conscious about them, but you do. Sometimes, you’d adjust yourself in bed during those moments when I was filled with worry and your skin would touch mine. It never failed. Every time we touched, you’d give off the tiniest little moan or sigh. That always made me feel like you loved and trusted me so completely that even in your deepest sleep you could recognize the feel of me against you.
You have no idea how much peace you brought me over the years. I’ve never met anyone like you in all the places I’ve been and there have been quite a few. Stunningly beautiful, sexy, powerful, and so very smart. You have a fire and life in you that I always loved. It has brought me so much joy to see it and watch it grow in our time together.
My only regret is that we never had babies. You would have been such a beautiful mother. I always wondered what it would be like to come home to you feeding or playing with our little boy or girl. You deserve that. You deserve a family. You deserve more than what I can give you.
I’m so sorry, baby. I have tried so hard. These last few months I’ve done everything in my power to get out of this. I prayed to God that it would work, but something is broken in me. Therapy can’t fix it, you can’t fix it, even I can’t fix it. Please read that again. Baby girl, we couldn’t fix it. It’s nothing you’ve done. You have been magic to me. You have done all you can and more! I’m just… shattered.
The last few months I tried my best to force myself to see a better life. I saw it and I loved it. I loved the smile on your face and how much fun you were having. I knew that if I couldn’t chase my own darkness away that I’d at least be able to have a few months to create wonderful memories with you instead of leaving you to remember only the bad ones. It seemed to work. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you so happy. I’m so sorry for the sadness that is about to come.
I will never be able to make up to you the pain I’ve caused. I certainly won’t be able to make up to you the pain that I’m about to cause, but it has to end. The darkness won’t fade. It’s only getting worse. I want you to know that I loved you more than anything on this earth and I will continue to love you more than anything in Heaven. I hope God understands and he lets me in. That is my biggest fear now. That you will live a full life and one day, hopefully sixty or more years from now, pass on. That you will go to Heaven and I won’t be there. I won’t ever be able to look into your face again. Pray for me. I don’t deserve your prayers, but if you can forgive me, maybe God can, too.
I want you to listen to me now. Listen closely. You will blame yourself, but you are not at fault. There is nothing you could have done. You were the only light that I had in my life. You will go into darkness of your own. Don’t let it hold you. I made the mistake of doing that. Don’t ever let it grab you and you can get away. Don’t shut people out. That’s the most important one. Don’t let your fear and sadness push others away.
You won’t want to trust people for a while and I understand that, but you can’t let it be a way of life. You can’t let yourself suffer because of me. You have an entire life to live. That life will be full of smiles, fun, parties, and yes, Desiree Martin, another man. I am well aware that you will not stay a single woman forever. You should be aware of it, too. You should know that that is exactly how it’s SUPPOSED TO BE! You will move on and find someone that makes you smile. Makes you feel passion again. Makes you want to go out and do and try new things. You will find someone that helps you heal. When you do, don’t let that go. Don’t push someone away if they come along.
Trust someone. Have a new best friend. Get married. Have babies! Oh, please, please, please have babies. Lots of them. The world would forever be a terrible place without more of you in it.
I love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know. That’s why I’m sending insurance for you. I want to make sure you’re taken care of. I want to make sure that you make it through this. Aiden Walsh will be coming. Give him a chance. You’ve always known he was my best friend, but you’re not going to want to give anyone an honest chance for a while. Let him help you. He can be a pretty good friend. He’s saved me more than a time or two. Talk to him. Just don’t shut anyone out.
I’ll love you forever, Desi. Hopefully you’ll see me again in Heaven one day several decades from now. Until then, I’ll be watching over you.
Goodbye, baby.
Love, Caleb
My entire body was covered in goosebumps and chills were running rampant through me. That was far more than even I expected. I knew he never wanted me to suffer, but to read it firsthand was something else entirely. God, I loved that man. I always would.
I wiped tears away from my face and took a deep breath before closing the email. I’d saved everything and backed it all up. I couldn’t lose those. They were too precious to me. My stomach felt queasy, and I ran to the bathroom to throw up.
Luckily, I’d made it to the toilet in time. I threw up a couple more times before my stomach settled. I felt awful, but I knew it was nerves. That was quite a goodbye. It only further settled my mind.
I was starting to think that maybe it actually had been a better thing to wait. Had I read that directly after, I’d have been a bigger mess, but it was possible that I could have healed sooner. It was hard to say exactly what would have happened.
My phone rang, and I pulled it from my pocket. It was Jax.
“Hey! What’s up?” I asked.
“You need to get down here as quickly and as safely as you can,” he said.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my nerves still on edge.
“Elizabeth is in the hospital. She’s in labor. They’re still trying to stop it, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to work. She said that she wants you down here.”
I heard a loud “NOW!” yelled in the background. It was definitely Elizabeth.
“Yes!” I said. “I’ll be right there! It’ll take about six hours, but I’ll be there. Tell her to hold on as long as possible.”
I hung up the phone and began rushing around the house to gather my things. She was about thirty-five weeks along at that point, if I’d done my math correctly. She wasn’t quite ready to deliver, but she certainly wasn’t far off.
Just before I left the house, another random wave of nausea hit me. I threw up in my yard that time. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t be sick. Not that day. I got in the car and found an empty bag that I sat in the passenger side in case I needed to get sick again. I started thinking back to everything that I’d eaten over the past few days. There hadn’t been anything suspicious, but I guess that didn’t necessarily mean anything.
I put my seatbelt on and winced as my hand brushed my left breast. I touched it again, massaging it a bit only to find that I had a lot of tenderness. I touched my right breast then and discovered that it was just as sore. My mind began racing at that moment. I thought back and realized that I hadn’t had a period in over two months. I’d been so obsessed with the emails that I didn’t even notice. I’d lost track of it.
My stomach wanted to roll again, but I managed to keep from throwing up. I started the car and drove. There was no question in my mind. It somehow all fit into place and it seemed impossible for it to be anything else. I decided that I needed to make a little pit stop at some point. I needed to get a pregnancy test.