Desiree
By the time we got home, everything had returned to it’s former joy. Once Elizabeth and Jax were inside and happily looking through their things, I started some homemade hot chocolate and put in an order for the new bed and a few larger items that they wanted so badly. I would pick up the paint much later when she started talking about building the nursery. I didn’t want them to worry about anything. They had plenty of money, but so did I and I wanted to spend it on something that made everyone happy. When I returned to the excited couple in the living room fawning over the little books, clothes, and toys they’d picked out together, I saw them share a sweet kiss before carrying on again.
Elizabeth looked up and saw me watching them from the archway between the kitchen and living room. There was a loving smile on my face, but I felt the tug. I wanted that for myself one day. It was so amazing to me. I’d completely forgotten how beautiful life could be. She would never know just how grateful to her that I was for helping me see that again.
“Can we talk?” she asked me.
“Sure,” I said. “I’m making some homemade hot chocolate. You can come and have some. He looks like he’s very happy where he is.”
“Oh, I am,” Jax said. His eyes met mine and a large smile spread across his face.
“Stop being disgusting,” I said with a laugh.
“Hey,” he said. “I can’t help it. I love babies. This one just happens to be extra special. You know… because it’s mine.”
Elizabeth laughed and rolled her eyes. “Let’s go before he says anything else that he thinks is hilarious.”
“What?” he asked, his hand over his chest feigning emotional pain. “I’m not hilarious? Just kiddin’. I know I am. Go have fun chatting. I’ll put all the baby goodies away.”
Elizabeth made her way over to the table while I grabbed a couple of mugs. I poured both of us a glass, grabbed the bag of mini-marshmallows, and took all of it to the table. Both of us liked a lot of marshmallows in our drinks, but I knew that we’d probably eat a lot of them straight from the bag.
“What’s up?” I asked, taking a cautious sip of my drink.
“You know that I love you, right?” Elizabeth said.
I nodded. “Of course.
“You know that I loved Caleb, right? He was my brother more than he was my cousin. I had all the love and respect in the world for him.”
“Of course,” I said. “I know how close both of you were.”
“Okay. Good. I just don’t want you to take what I’m about to say as disrespect for him or for you.”
There was a pause as she took a drink of her cocoa. She sat the mug back down and kept her hands wrapped around it.
“Actually, there are a couple of things that I wanted to talk to you about. First, about your personal life. I saw how you looked at Jax in the store. At me, too, but mostly him.”
“It’s nothing like that, if…”
She didn’t even let me finish. “I know that, Desi. I’m not accusing you of anything.” She smiled then and put her hand on top of mine before continuing. “I was worried about telling you about the pregnancy for many reasons. You know those. We talked about them earlier, so I don’t want to bring them back up for you. When I saw you looking at Jax, I saw how your face lit up when you saw him touch my belly, how he kissed my face, or how excited he became with every new discovery he’d bring to show us. He acted a lot like what I imagined Caleb would have. Caleb was also a lover of kids and babies. I know how badly you both wanted kids of your own and I assumed that’s probably why you were so enamored with us.”
I nodded. “He really did remind me of Caleb a lot, but mostly I just remembered how much I wanted a family. Today started off terrible. More than terrible, actually. Somehow, your little baby belly has changed my world. Sure, I know these things don’t magically disappear and I’m going to have some depression still, but I feel like that little boy has allowed me to breathe again. I can feel myself wanting that again. A family. I know Caleb would hate me if he saw what I’ve been doing to myself. He didn’t want this for me, but I couldn’t help it. I feel like this has let me take the first step to finally healing.”
“Have you considered dating again? Nothing serious. Just going out and meeting people. Learning what it’s like to talk to people – guys mainly – and have fun again. Nice, harmless outings to the movies or to dinner. Something like that. You don’t have to go all out with it and do formal dating or go straight for long term. That’s far too stressful, but I think that if you’re starting to remember what it’s like to yearn for family and closeness that you should consider it. I also think you should consider some therapy for yourself. You know that it helps.”
I sighed before taking another drink. “I know it. I just don’t think that I can bring myself to actually meet anyone. Yet, anyway. I feel like I should fully put Caleb to rest in my mind. I’ve been debating on a few things here lately, but I haven’t talked about it. Part of me felt like I may be stupid for wanting to do it, but the other part of me feels like it’s the right thing to do. Like it’s what he would have wanted.”
“What is it?” Elizabeth asked.
“A few months ago I overheard someone talking about having a party for someone that had passed. They said that was her last wish: that everyone would party in remembrance instead of mourning her.”
“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Elizabeth said. “If you’re asking if we should have a party for Caleb, then the answer is a huge 'yes!' He would have loved that! That’s a great idea. Plus, I really think it would give you a chance to see that missing someone doesn’t have to be detrimental. We can have fun with it. A huge blowout. Invite all the family and friends, have music, lots of alcohol that I can’t partake in, and lots of laughs and memories. What do you think?”
The depression was always there in the background, wanting to pull me down. I wanted to shut down at the idea, jump up and say, 'no! We can’t do that!' My eyes burned like they would fill with tears, but then I saw Elizabeth absentmindedly rub her swollen belly like expecting mothers do. It pushed the darkness away and I smiled.
“Yes,” I said. “Let’s do it. You’re absolutely right. He wouldn’t want any of us to be sad over him. It’s been a year. It’ll be hard, but I have to push through it. Let’s have a party. Not an anniversary kind of thing, though.”
“No. A celebration of who he was,” Elizabeth said. “We have a week. Do you think we can put it together in that time? I didn’t really think about the timeline before I jumped at it.”
I thought for a moment. It would take a lot of work, but with us doing it together I knew that it could be done.
“I think so,” I said. “We will need help with food. We can’t make all that food alone. Maybe a pitch-in? Catering would more than likely cost too much.”
“You leave all that to me,” Elizabeth said. “I’ll take care of the cooking. You just get me a list of people that you know would want to come and I will make a list of people that I can invite. We can both tackle this. Then we will figure out how much food we’ll need.”
“I love it,” I said, smiling. “I’m really excited! This feels like opening a door to a new life.”
“Well, that brings me to subject two,” she said. “Aiden.”
I sighed, sitting back in my seat. I figured that it would come up at some point, but I’d hoped that it wouldn’t.
“What?” I asked.
“I was indifferent to him earlier. Polite, but indifferent. That, however, does not mean that I think you should blow him off.”
“You really think I should meet with him?” I asked. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t exactly, but I’m not sure that I should either. I’ve heard his speech repeatedly, word for word over the last year in my dreams. He promised that he’d be around. I never expected him to stay forever or anything, but I expected him to at least talk to me directly for more time than it took to ask if he could stand by Caleb. I knew how close they were. Caleb talked about him like he talked about you. They were brothers. How could he just blow me off after standing next to Caleb for all those hours and then getting up in front of everyone and promising to be there for me? I expected nothing from him except a conversation. I desperately wanted to hear about their time together. I wanted, no, I needed to understand what happened to my husband. Aiden had all those answers. He knew what Caleb had seen, what he’d been through. I want to talk to him now, but I also don’t care at all to see him.”
“I think that you should. This is just one more thing that you can do to put it all to rest. Talk to him. Ask your questions. He seemed to feel terribly about everything that happened. Maybe you should just let him try to make it up to you. Invite him to the party, too. With him coming back, maybe you aren’t the only one having a hard time about it. You never know,” she said.
I nodded. “Fine. I’ll meet with him in the morning, but that’s all I’m planning on for now. We’ll see how it goes.”
She smiled. “That’s a great start.”
Desiree
Elizabeth kept to her word and texted Aiden the next morning and told him the address. I’d just finished making breakfast. I made enough for four people, in case I liked what he had to say and didn’t kick him out. He arrived right at nine. He was wearing dark acid wash jeans, a white shirt, and a black jacket. It was warm out, but then again, he was military. They were used to being in full uniform in the dessert. It didn’t get hotter than that. He also had a Glock in a holster on his hip. It looked very similar to the one that Caleb had carried.
His dark hair was freshly cut. It was a couple of inches long on top, but the standard quarter inch length on the sides. He had it styled and it looked good. His skin was much lighter than when I’d seen him at the funeral, I’d assumed it was because he hadn’t been deployed and out in the sun quite as much. Even still, he had that darker olive tone that made him look flawless.
“Come on in,” I said before he could even speak.
He nodded once before stepping inside, closing the door, and following me as I took us into the kitchen. I heard the familiar sound of boots hit the hardwood and knew he was wearing standard issue without even looking. That was a sound that I never forgot. Caleb always seemed to surprise me, so I always listened for those boots, even in the middle of the night.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
“No, ma’am,” he said. “Thank you, but I don’t want to impose.”
I sighed and turned to face him. “You’re not a soldier here. You are supposed to be a family friend. I’m not 'ma’am'. I’m Desiree. Desi if I decide that I like you. I’m still on the fence about that one. Now… I’ll ask again. Are you hungry?”
His nose slightly flared and the corners of his eyes crinkled as he fought a smile. I was glad that he did.
“Yes, Desiree. I am,” he said.
“Good. Have a seat. Elizabeth and Jax have already eaten. They wanted to give us some privacy. I decided to wait. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to offer you any or not, but I made enough just in case.”
“And if you decided that I wasn’t welcome enough to eat?” he asked, amusement in his voice.
“Then I’d have sat here and ate in front of you, enjoying my delicious waffles and omelet while you sat there and starved,” I said. It was mostly show, but I was curious to see how he’d react to my rudeness.
He laughed.
“The rumors certainly are true,” he said. “I’ve heard a lot of tales about your great kindness, but I’ve also heard about what happens if you’re angry with someone.”
“Oh, good,” I said. “That saves time.”
“Sure does,” he said. “I’ll be sure not to piss the lady of the house off. Thank you for offering breakfast.”
“You’re welcome,” I said. “I guess you can start talking while I’m getting it plated.”
“Okay,” he said, his tone and the infliction at the end of the short word revealing a bit of nervousness. “Well, I guess I’d like to start with saying that I’m sorry. It’s not good enough, but those are the only two words that I know to say. I am very sorry for leaving the way that I did. It doesn’t mean much now, but I had plans on sticking around for a while. I’d gotten home from a deployment about two months before Caleb died. They’d released us, but I requested more time because of the funeral. I was lucky. That’s not something that’s allowed unless it’s immediate family, but Caleb was once part of that unit. A lot of those guys had been affected by him in one way or another. I was cleared to take leave. I had the time to stick around and I wanted to.”
I carried his plate over and all but dropped it on the table, my eyes staring daggers into his.
“So, why didn’t you?” I asked.
“There’s a lot that you don’t know. Nothing bad, but things that I’m sure Caleb never told you. No one ever tells their wives about the fears and the weaknesses they suffer over there. They all know their families suffer without them around. They don’t like to add to it.”
I sat down with my own plate, staring at him as I took the first bite of my waffles. I was relatively certain that I wasn’t making it easy for him to talk to me, but I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It was because I was very on edge.
“Okay, so tell me all about it. I want to know everything,” I said.
Aiden launched into a story about how Caleb had saved several of the guys from their unit when their convoy was hit by an IED. Aiden had been injured and Caleb made him solemnly swear to take care of me no matter what. It sounded like Caleb. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he’d forced Aiden to make a deal like that. All my husband ever worried about was me and family. Nothing else ever mattered in comparison.
“That kind of responsibility scared you off,” I said. It was a statement. There was no question in my mind. He was young, had no real family other than his bond with Caleb, no stable relationship, and no kids. Aiden was kind of an orphan in the grand scheme of things. He had zero idea how to console the grieving wife of a friend, let alone take care of her like family. He had no clue what family life was like and it scared him.
“Yes,” he said finally. “I was and it’s something that I have regretted for the last year. Every day the guilt grew. I’ve seen a lot of guys die. A lot of them I was close to in some way, but none like Caleb. I was asked for one thing and I failed. That’s why I’m here. I want to make it up to you. I don’t expect you to help me get through my guilt and I don’t want you to worry about that. If you want me to go, I will, but I want to stay. I want to make sure that you’re okay and to do the things that I should have done the first time around.”
Silence filled the room as I stared into his eyes. He was very serious and very determined. I knew what it was like to feel that guilt. Honestly, ours wasn’t very different. He felt guilty because he abandoned me after he swore to Caleb that he wouldn’t. For me, it was that I never saw what was right in front of me, which made me feel like I’d abandoned Caleb, even though I was there every step of the way.
“I forgive you,” I said.
All of the irritation that I felt for him deflated and left me entirely. He was only a man. A man that was still fighting his own demons. He didn’t need me to add to it and I didn’t need him adding to mine. Especially after I’d finally resolved to forcing my way through it.
“Thank you,” he said, relief washing over him. I could actually see it in his face and in his body as his shoulders slumped and he relaxed.
“Thank you,” he said, relief washing over him.
I could actually see it in his face and in his body as his shoulders slumped and he relaxed.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Take a few minutes to calm down. Breathe a little and eat your breakfast. We will talk more after.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said with a smile.
“Jeez. It’s gonna be a while before I break you of that, isn’t it?”
“I’m a serviceman at heart and your husband was my best friend. I’ll never show anything but respect for you. I will, however, do my best to remember to use your name instead, Desiree.”
He leaned forward and cut into his waffles. I watched him for a moment before digging back into mine. He didn’t seem like such a bad guy. Actually, I knew that he wasn’t. There were loads of stories that I’d heard about him over the years and none of them were bad. Well… as long as you didn’t count the drunken messes they’d get themselves in when they were on free time, and I didn’t. Just good boys having fun in a situation that wasn’t made for it.