Chapter Twenty-Two
DAY forty three of my captivity and I’m on a plane to L.A. Jane was so angry she could spit. Declan ordered her to be ready in the morning to go to L.A. fucked her, walked out of the room, and then he preceded to go to his party. Bros before hos. Did she call herself a ho. She did. She put another stitch in the baby blanket she was knitting. What she really felt like was shoving the knitting needle in Declan’s eye.
Jane felt someone staring at her. She raised her eyes to find Chill checking her out. He grinned at her and she added him to the people on her ‘I’m angry with you’ list. They’d known each other for years and she’d never done anything vaguely girly in front of him with the exception of letting him cry on her shoulder when the dog he adopted in A-stan got hit by gunfire and died in his arms. The man cried for days. Jane loved that mutt too but she knew the rules, the second she let a tear fall she’d be suspect in her team’s eyes. Now she was knocked up and in a ‘relationship’ mentally she did air quotes with a principle. She was never going to be able to work with them again.
He inclined his head toward Declan. “Are you …” and he pointed to his stomach.
She nodded.
He gave her the thumbs up sign. Chill was an Alabama boy who believed in God, country, and family. He was on the hunt for a wife so they could get busy expanding his brand. He at least didn’t judge her.
She went back to knitting.
“We need to talk.”
Declan hovered over her. Now he wants to talk. “Yeah?”
“Glen, can we have some privacy.”
Chill picked up his headphones.
He wasn’t going to go anywhere and miss the gossip. Because she was sure that he was under strict orders to report every detail of their visit to L.A. And Chill was a talker. Jane wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t a betting pool going on among the guys as to what was going to play out.
Jane put down her knitting needles. She pointed to the plane’s cabin. “Her name is Chanel and she’s single.”
Chill stood. “If you need anything you give me call.”
“I’ll be fine.”
Chill gave her lopsided smile. “I was talking to Declan.”
“Thanks man.”
Jane watched Chill walk to the front of the plane and close the door to the main cabin. “You’re certainly getting all buddy-buddy with the bodyguards.”
Declan took Chill’s chair. “I’m a friendly kind of guy.”
“Sure you are.”
“You’ve made a decision?”
Shit could he give her a minute. This was a big deal. “No.”
Declan leaned over and took the pink blanket off her lap. “Why are you knitting a baby blanket.”
“For foster babies.”
“Why are you knitting blankets for foster kids?”
“I’m nice.”
He dropped the blanket and sat back on the beige swivel chair. “Is everything with you work?”
She sighed. Damn she was bitchy today. “Because kids who go into the system lose everything. They deserve something nice. Maybe something they’ll keep forever.”
“Did you lose everything?”
“Pete saved a lot of my mother’s stuff.”
“They really love you.”
She smiled. She loved them with all her heart. “According to Addy, they put in formal papers to adopt me the second they couldn’t find anyone to take me.”
“Was that hard for them to adopt you?”
She got that question a lot. “Because they’re black?”
“Yeah.”
She liked that it didn’t seem to bother him. “Maybe, but Addy’s dad is kinda shady, not like all out bad, but Grampa Louie knows where a lot of bodies are buried. That aforementioned knowledge helped to grease the wheels.”
“Why didn’t you hit up Fox? It could have made your life easier.” He folded his hands in his lap and stretched out his long legs.
Even in the early dawn he was put together in his black t-shirt and black jeans. “With the exception of Malcolm, he doesn’t have a good track record.”
“Do you hate him?”
Not anymore. “After talking to him, I feel sorry for him.”
“Do you want a relationship with him?”
She started to say I don’t know, but that sounded so flippant and maybe she did want something now that she found out he wasn’t the douche bag she’d thought he was. He was a sad broken man who fucked up his life. “I’m open to the possibility.”
Declan rolled his eyes. “Again work.”
Jane slammed her knitting down. “I’m sorry you don’t like my answer. It’s the only one I have.”
“Did you learn this in the military or were you always like this?”
Even as a kid she was wound a little tight. Guarded except around her family. “They enhanced it. I spent a lot of time talking to men who thought they were getting the short end of stick because they sent a woman. I had to carry out my mission, not offend the locals, and not get me and my team killed. So it is second nature to me.”
“What are you afraid of?”
His question was low and seductive and all she wanted to do was spill all of her secrets. The same thing she was always afraid of, being vulnerable. Her feelings for Declan made her feel vulnerable, this baby made her feel the same way. Admitting she was vulnerable made her so. “You know what. I have a lot of shit on my book that is not nice.”
“Me too.”
She bit her bottom lip. They did had a lot in common. “I think you had a horror story of a childhood and you carry that weight. It made you who you are, but the difference between you and I is that the military shaped me into what they needed.”
“What did they need you be?”
“Ruthless.”
“Were you?”
“Yes.”
“What did they do to you?”
They were so good at training her it seemed like she wanted it all along. Not that she resisted. She did a good job in the military. She did what needed to be done. Even if she knew how it would echo in the present she wouldn’t have changed anything. “I was starting my sophomore year when 9/11 happened. In that moment everything got real. West Point stopped being a free education and a cushy assignment stateside and became something more. The fact that I was fluent in Arabic and a psych major meant that from that second my future started getting planned for me.”
“How so?”
“I was herded into psy ops. Physiological Operations in hopes that I could analyze intel.”
“How did you go from that to being in the middle of a war?”
“I was good at analyzing information and I was very good at the nuances of Arabic culture, but much better at dealing with people.”
“I feel like you’re not telling me something.”
She smiled. “I’m not telling you everything.”
“Classified? Painful?”
Damn why was it so easy to talk to him? He never did the job. He never killed anyone, but he listened and he didn’t judge and that was special. He seemed to get her. “Both.”
“What is painful to you Jane?”
Her gut tightened as she mentally listed her sins. “I hurt Malcolm and he didn’t deserve that. I should have never taken this job. I hurt Fox.”
“Trust me they are going to be okay.”
“So you say. I hurt you.”
He kind of smirked. “After my dad, I’m pretty bulletproof.”
She wanted to tell him he didn’t have to hide his pain. She understood it. “You hide it well, but you hurt.”
“Yeah so what. Life’s hard. I still got everything I wanted. I love my life.”
“Really?”
“I get to do what I love. How many guys get to live this fantasy?”
“It has a price.”
“Everything costs. The trick is knowing if you are willing to pay it.”
“What happens if I keep the baby?”
In typical Declan fashion he had the right answer. “We buy diapers and plan for college.”
So says the Golden God. So shall it be. “You think it’s that simple.”
“Hell no. I’m scared as shit, aren’t you?”
“You have no idea.”
Declan ran a hand through his hair. “What scares you about having a kid?”
Where did she start. “I’ve seen what the world does to children. Not just on a personal level but on a global scale. Children are vulnerable. They make you vulnerable. How am I going to protect a baby?” There she said it out loud.
“Who better to teach a girl to take care of herself or to teach a boy to be a protector not a predator. You--”
She held up her hand. “No let me finish. I grew up in family of misfit kids. We all ended up with Pete and Addy because our parents were taken away or made a fucked up choice. We were lucky Addy and Pete wanted kids so bad, and couldn’t have any, that they settled for taking in rejects.”
“You are no one’s reject.”
She made him mad. “I know. We all turned out okay. I’m afraid because of who I used to be I don’t have it in me to love and nurture a person.”
“What did you used to be?”
“A killer.” She said softly.
“You were at war.”
“No, before that.”
“Tell me.” He demanded softly.
Declan made her feel safe in telling her secrets. She opened her mouth and closed it. She knew he wouldn’t judge her or tell anyone and she just wanted him to understand who she really was. “I’m not a nice person.”
He reached out and covered her fist with his large hand. “Who did you kill?”
His hand felt so comforting and gentle. “My grandfather.”
“Because of your mother?”
“No. My mother’s murder was unimportant in the scheme of things.”
“Start from the beginning.”
“I told you he was an asset for the CIA, but after the first attack on the Towers something changed and he started filtering a lot of misinformation to his handlers. He dropped a few tidbits that kept him on the gravy train, but he started helping the other side.”
“How did the CIA find out?”
She took a deep breath. “After I found out the truth of my background, I was obsessed about making him pay. I used my position in the Pentagon to find out everything I could about him. I just happened to stumble onto his treachery. Well someone was watching me watch him and I was called to my commander’s office and the man who was my grandfather’s handler was there. I remember him from the day he paid a visit to Pete.”
“Why?”
Her chest tightened. “To tell Pete to drop the investigation into my mother’s death.”
“Why?”
“It would have looked bad if Pete found out the truth and the government’s involvement. He threatened Pete.”
“With what?”
“Letting my grandfather get custody of me.”
“Would he have hurt you?”
Her hand tightened under his. “I’m proof of my mother’s dishonor.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“That’s the way of the world. I assumed I was going to be court martialed, but I found some hard evidence that my grandfather was a traitor. So as a reward for my hard work they let me tie up that loose end.”
“You killed him.”
“Yes.”
“You okay with that?”
“I have to be. I led them down that rabbit hole.”
“How did you end up in the Middle East?”
“They figured out I was suited for that type of work and they needed people who could work within the culture.”
He looked at her strangely. “But you were raised in America.”
“My mom made friends with several ex-pats in the city. Most of the women were married to oil people and were on the same boat as her, so they protected each other. Once a week they had the Arab version of girl’s night. They included their daughters. I loved it. Addy and Pete let me continue going because they didn’t want me to lose that part of me.”
“Was it confusing?”
“Sometimes, I was Jane outside my house, but my mother called me by my Arabic name at home and with them.”
“What’s your Arabic name.”
She laughed. “It’s very cliché, you being a rock star and all.”
“I gotta know.” He sounded so seductive and alluring.
“Promise you won’t laugh.”
He shook his head. “I will not promise that.”
Of that she was sure. “Layla.”
“Layla?”
“Don’t sing that song.”
“Layla.”
“Yeah, it means dark beauty.”
“Awesome.” He smiled. “About last night…”
Last night was awesome. “Yes?”
His eyes couldn’t quite reach hers. “I’ve never been like that. Did I hurt you?”
Was Declan Shaw blushing? “I liked it.”
“I’m--”
“If you say you’re sorry I’ll punch you.”
“I’m not.”
“Good.”
“Where do we go from here?”
She blew out a long breath. “I think we just take it day by day.”
He looked at his watch. “Agreed. We are going to be in L.A. in an hour and I want to go right to the hospital.”
“Can I eat in the car?”
“You always have to eat.”
“What’s your point?”
“I was stating a fact.”