CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

 

“WHAT?” I ASKED, surprised by the sudden shift in her demeanor.

“Why are you lying to them?”

“What?” I asked again, stunned by her accusation—accurate though it might have been.

“How did you know we were lying?” Clay asked at the same time, giving away the game completely.

Louise rolled her eyes at him. “Granted we’re not as close as we used to be, but I know you too well to believe any of your bullshit, you dunderhead. Besides, your left eye twitches when you lie.”

My mouth opened and closed as I gaped at her. I hadn’t thought we’d said nor done anything that would have indicated we’d been anything less than honest. Even Clay’s words seemed carefully selected to be as truthful as possible.

Louise narrowed her eyes at Clay, assessing him carefully. “Aiden’s right, isn’t he? You still don’t remember anything?”

“Are you going to tell him the truth?” Clay asked.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t?”

“He’ll stick Clay in the Void if you do,” I murmured.

Louise turned her gaze onto me, her expression softened and her wings drooped slightly. “I can understand why you would want this, Evie. I appreciate what it’s like to lose everything.” Her gaze looked through me and into the past. “But what’s in it for you?” She moved her gaze to Clay.

He met her questioning gaze with a steely one of his own. “Penance,” he said before shrugging. “Freedom.”

I flinched at his words, a stark reminder that this was all an act and I would lose him all over again in a few months, but they were too focused on each other to notice.

Louise continued to stare at him with a look that would have made me crumble if it was directed my way. It was a very clear “Please explain.”

“I hurt people today,” he continued. “At the time, I thought they deserved it.”

“But you don’t anymore?” she asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“Your dad convinced him that I was a threat to him,” I explained. “Clay was led to believe that I was the one who caused his memory loss.”

“Dad?” Louise scoffed as her eyes furrowed into a frown. “That man doesn’t deserve that title,” she hissed.

Clay’s muscles tensed beneath my fingers. His fists clenched and released repeatedly. It was clear that his agitation grew with every passing second. I could empathize with him, the one constant he’d had since losing his memories was being insulted from all sides.

It had to be difficult for him to hear that his father was responsible for so much hurt and heartache, especially when his father was probably the only person who’d spoken kindly to him since his dip in the waters of forgetfulness. I was certain that in time, he would realize the truth about his dad. But I also understood he’d have to come to it on his own, we couldn’t force it on him or we risked pushing him away—making him think that we were the enemy. I worried that Louise’s hatred of Troy would do just that.

“Please, you can’t tell anyone the truth,” I begged Louise, trying to shift the conversation away from Troy. “I may have lost my husband forever, I get that. But that doesn’t mean I want to see Clay suffer for choices he made when he didn’t know any better. I wouldn’t want anyone to be punished for deeds that occurred in a time before they learned the truth about their past.”

I met her eyes so she could understand that I was referring to more than just the situation in front of her. She had hunted me; okay, it was under the influence of Caelan’s rage and with the mistaken belief that I would hurt her family, but she’d still threatened my life. I’d forgiven her for it all because those mistakes were from a different time in her life. If anyone could understand Clay’s predicament, I was certain she’d be able to.

“What is the plan though?” she asked. “Play happy families forever with someone who is practically a stranger?”

I clenched my eyes shut as her words found their target in my heart. “No. Not forever. Just long enough for the trial and then for Clay to find his own way.” The thought of saying goodbye to him again made my stomach twist in agony. “Then we’ll say goodbye.”

Her expression softened over something she saw as she glanced toward me. “Who else knows?”

“No one,” Clay said. “We’d like to keep it that way if we can.”

Louise nodded slowly. “Okay, you’ve got my silence for now, but only if it’s not causing anyone any harm.” She cast her gaze back on me. “If you need someone to talk to when this is all over . . .” she trailed off before going so far as to tell me that I could talk to her.

I nodded. “Thank you.”

“Of course, that goes for you too,” she said to Clay who nodded. “What are you going to do about—” She cut herself off. “About him.”

Clay’s fists were clenched and his jaw flexed as he swallowed heavily. His agitation reached fever point. I knew we were getting close to Clay’s breaking point, but I couldn’t ignore her question either.

“I don’t know,” I murmured over the sounds of Clay’s disapproval. “But I’m worried what he might do next.”

“Why does everyone think the worst of Dad?” Clay asked with a voice of steel. “I get that telling me that Evie was evil was pretty shitty, but—”

Louise cut him off with a glare before scoffing. She held up her arm and waited for him to take it in his hand. When he did, she lifted it closer to his face. “See these scars?” She traced along the faint outlines with the fingers of her other hand.

He nodded before his confused eyes lifted to meet her unwavering gaze.

My stomach twisted as I guessed what she was about to reveal to him. I’d only noticed the marks recently, but coupled with what Clay had told me years ago about her treatment as a child I understood their meaning well enough for the idea of hearing her speak of them first hand to be enough to make my stomach twist and churn.

“Each of these marks is a symbol or spell specifically designed to combat my fae nature. Each one was slowly and deliberately carved into my skin by razor blade and athame when I was a toddler.”

Clay glanced from the marks on her arm to her eyes and back again.

“I was too young to even read or write, and yet they did this to me. He did this to me.”

“Why?” Clay choked out.

“How better to torture a fae than to carve anti-fae symbols into their skin?” Tears glistened in her eyes, and her voice was as sharp as the blades that had bitten into her arms must have been. “I ached and I burned because of him. I still have nightmares about it, and it still hurts. When the bonds Dad’s fae buddy cast over me broke, the pain returned. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hurt every day because of something your father did to you?”

My heart broke for her all over again. I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to be a scared child having people slice figures you didn’t understand into your body. To realize as an adult that the man you idolized was responsible for a world of agony. I recalled Clay’s howls of pain when he’d encountered the anti-fae protection at Bayview and pictured a young child having to suffer through it. I clutched at my mouth as I tried to still my churning stomach. Part of me wanted to reach for her and offer her what little comfort I could, but I knew she’d reject it. She was strong, stronger than most people ever gave her credit for. I hadn’t understood that until that moment.

“Dad and his friends did this to me,” Louise was practically screeching now. The pain of reliving it all again was too much for her to handle. “He did this and then lied to me about it for years. If he hadn’t been forced to tell the truth, I think he would have lied to me forever.”

“Are you sure—” Clay started, his voice soft and confused in the wake of her ferocity.

“Don’t you dare ask if I am sure it was him!” she snapped over the top of him. “I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. You know what I went through. At least, you used to know before you forgot who you are. You even helped to show me the truth once you found it. God, the things you put up with from me over the years all because of these scars. All because you were convinced for so long that they were your fault.”

“Why would I have thought that if they aren’t? I mean, I must have been a child too when it happened.”

“Louise isn’t just your sister,” I said, unsure exactly what his father had revealed. “She’s your twin. You were both little when she was taken. For years you both thought she’d been replaced by a changeling and that it was a fifty-fifty chance that it could have been you.” It felt wrong to voice it out loud. He needed to know that it wasn’t a secret to me though. We’d had no secrets before he disappeared.

Louise’s eyes fell on me and her mouth gaped in surprise, almost as if she’d forgotten I was there. She obviously didn’t know Clay had told me this part of their lives.

Louise gave a sarcastic chuckle as she understood the rest of my statement. “But of course for you that means that it was practically your fault.”

He scrubbed the back of his neck as his gaze flicked between us.

“It’s another reason why I knew you aren’t you. You let Evie do all the talking and allowed her to risk her friendship with Aiden. The you I know would never do that. You’ve always had a protective streak that runs a mile long. I just thought it was instinctive when it comes to those you care about. You would take any punishment in the world if it could save a loved one from pain. Yet you’re willing to go along with this charade regardless of how much it hurts everyone involved just to avoid facing the Tribunal.” Louise set her chin proudly as she watched Clay for any reaction to her words.

He shrugged. “What am I supposed say to that? What do you want me to do? You obviously think that I used to be some sort of saint, but that’s not me anymore.”

“Clearly not. I’ve seen you raise a gun to your own father’s head to protect the woman beside you, and yet you’re willing to inflict so much pain on her by playing this game.”

Clay’s gaze shot to me, and he assessed me carefully.

“It’s okay, Louise,” I said to reassure them both. “I’m a big girl. I know what’s involved, and I know what needs to happen. I was the one who suggested this. I wouldn’t’ve if I didn’t think that I could handle it.”

“Why though?”

“Because regardless of what Clay did today, it’s more important to me what he didn’t do. He didn’t kill me when he could have, and ultimately he helped when I needed it most. And the fact is that even if he doesn’t feel a thing for me any longer, I still love him.”

Clay looked awkwardly away from me, and I had to bite my lip to stop my emotions from taking over. Crying would make them believe the exact opposite of what I was trying to prove with my words.

“I would rather him be free and on the other side of the Earth than enduring the nothingness of the Void,” I said, trying not to let my tears color my voice.

Louise’s eyes narrowed, and she opened her mouth as if to say something but snapped it shut again. She nodded her understanding before casting her gaze back on Clay. She walked over to him and whispered in his ear. His eyes darted to the side, falling on me briefly before he turned away and nodded.

“Just make sure you’re thinking this through completely,” she said to me. “There are things at play you might not understand. You need to find out more about the Tribunal, okay?” she said to me. “Now, where are my niece and nephew?” she continued with a softened smile before I could respond to her warning.

 

BY THE time Louise left, I’d almost forgotten about her whispered statement into Clay’s ear. On her way through the door, she turned back to him and told him to remember what she’d said.

“Remember what?” I asked, trying not to look at him or seem too desperately interested in what she’d said. David was awake and cooing in my arms, so I stared at him for a few moments before risking a glance up at Clay who held a sleeping Ava. Watching him was a mistake. Each time I saw him with one of our children in his arms, my acceptance and love for the sight grew, but so too did the acute agony over the fact that he wasn’t my Clay.

“You two are obviously close,” he said in a deflection of my question.

I laughed at his statement and then sobered with his confusion.

“A month ago, I would have laughed at that statement and said an emphatic no. Now . . . I don’t know. I guess we understand each other a little better.” I was beginning to realize that Louise and I had a lot more in common than I ever would have guessed. Looking back, our similarities as well as our differences might have played a significant role in the enmity between us. Of course, her trying to kill me constantly didn’t exactly help nurture a friendship.

“What changed?”

I didn’t really want to say it, especially after his earlier confessions. He stared at me, clearly unwilling to let me get away without answering.

I dropped my gaze and whispered. “You.”

“Oh.” The quiet utterance forced me to face him again.

“Yeah.” I shrugged, trying to underplay the revelation.

He scrubbed the back of his neck, and I had to turn away from him. “So I guess that some good came from what happened?”

I wanted to argue with him on that. Despite what I’d said, it was possible that Louise and I would have found a similar relationship even without the forced empathy and closeness caused by Clay’s disappearance. We were on our way toward it at least. Sure, it might have taken us longer to forge a bond, but that wasn’t to say we wouldn’t have been able to eventually. Instead, for Clay’s sake, I just nodded.

He’d had enough drama for one day. We both had. I spent a minute focusing on the positives: our babies were safe and for the most part thriving despite being born premature, Clay was physically safe, and we were going home where we’d both be safe—at least for the time being.

“Don’t leave her.” Clay’s voice was almost silent and for a second I thought I’d imagined that he’d spoken at all, until I met his gaze and saw the conflict there.

“What?”

“That’s what she said, that’s what she wants me to remember. She really cares about you.”

I shook my head. “She cares about you. She knows that’s what the real you would want.”

His gaze turned to shattered glass in the instant the words had left my mouth. I was confused by the sudden turnaround, until he spun away from me. “The real me? Great. That’s real nice.”

He walked over to the crib and placed Ava inside.

“No, shit, that’s not . . . that’s not what I meant.”

He spun toward me again. In his eyes, unshed tears glistened. The moisture did nothing to dampen the blazing fire of rage burning in his gaze though. “It is. It’s exactly what you meant.”

I couldn’t argue with him because he continued to stampede, the rage that had been simmering on and off most of the day boiling over at me.

“I get it, Evie. I’m the fake. The imposter. I’ve gotten that from every other person today, and I guess I should’ve expected it from you too.”

I reached for him with my free arm, but he backed away.

“Don’t,” he warned. “I just need to remember my place here. I have to remind myself how grateful I should be to you for lying to everyone for little old me.”

He stalked off toward the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. The sound caused me to jump and woke Ava up. She and David both screamed and I wanted to scream right along with them.

How am I supposed to do this without him? I closed my eyes for a moment before walking to the cot and putting David beside his sister. Her body was significantly warmer than it had been earlier, but I tried to push my concern over it out of my mind.

Instead, I focused on rubbing soothing circles on both of their bellies and whispering to them that everything was going to be okay. It felt like a lie as it rolled from my tongue, but it calmed them both a little so I whispered it again.

Just when I finished reassuring them for the second time, another pair of hands reached into the cot and brushed across David’s forehead. I glanced up, and Clay was standing beside me. I hadn’t even heard the bathroom door open.

“Can I have a few minutes alone?” he asked without looking at me. “I’d leave, but it wouldn’t end well for me.”

His voice wavered as he spoke, and if he’d still been the man I knew, I would have demanded he tell me what he was thinking so that we could work it out, but he wasn’t that man anymore. I no longer had the right to demand that sort of information. The renewed knowledge of how far things had gone off track caused tears to well in my eyes once more.

I nodded. “I’ll go for a walk before bed.” I didn’t even want to think about the possible sleeping arrangements—it wasn’t like there were many options in our room. Despite the size of the quarters, we only had our bed and a small two-seater sofa. We’d never needed more than that. I couldn’t exactly ask Aiden or any of the fae for another bed now, not after being so vehement in my assertions that Clay’s memories had returned and he was my husband once more.

“I was thinking about going to see Eth before we go anyway. Maybe I’ll just do it tonight instead of the morning.” I paused for a moment as I considered leaving Clay alone with our babies. I could, but I want to be with them. Even as I had the thought, it occurred to me that Ethan would want to meet them. “I think I’ll take the twins.”

His eyes darted to mine and flashed with fire again. “Because as the imposter, I can’t be trusted with them, right?”

I wanted more than anything to take back the words that had accidentally slipped from me. They’d worsened a situation that was already bad enough.

“No, it’s not that.” Crazily, despite the fact that less than a day earlier he’d been trying to kill me, I actually did trust him. At least, I trusted him with David and Ava. He’d shown almost as much concern for their welfare as I felt. “I just thought Eth might want to meet them before we leave the court.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry. About before. I didn’t mean—”

“Don’t.” He cut me off again. “You may not have meant for it to insult me, but you meant what you said. I’m just the poor man’s Clay to you, aren’t I?”

I couldn’t answer him but was certain the tears that had sprung to my eyes told him that he’d hit the mark. As willing as I was to help him, the simple inescapable fact was that he wasn’t my husband anymore. I could almost understand why Fiona had been so willing to turn her back on him. He wasn’t the man I’d been to hell and back for. That was my issue though, and I didn’t intend to make him feel like he was inferior to a memory.

Swallowing my pride and concern, I decided to offer him friendship—he deserved that much. “Did you want to come with me to see Ethan? I’m sure I can push my luck a little to have it allowed.”

“I just need some space right now. And some time to think.”

I nodded before turning back to the twins. Before I’d even been able to reach for either of them, Clay had picked up Ava and had placed her into the stroller where he was trying, and failing, to fasten the restraints. Knowing that a misplaced chuckle wouldn’t help matters, I tried not to laugh at his struggles as I picked David up and put him in the stroller too. After a little bit of work, both of the babies were in and settled. I flipped the top back so that I could see them both as I walked.

Pushing the stroller through the halls of the court was an odd experience. Despite the late hour, I could feel the curious stares directed at us with every step I took. No less than six fae guards had watched on silently as I left the room. I guessed Aiden had stationed them there as he still didn’t trust Clay. I was glad Clay had stormed into the bathroom and not out of the room.

By the time I reached the healing rooms, I was relieved to be out of the halls. The overbearing silence of the night, added with the weight of curious stares, was oppressive and made the hallways unwelcoming—or maybe that was just my imagination and guilt.

When Ethan saw me walking into the room, he shifted a little higher in his bed and smiled. High on his left shoulder, just beneath his collarbone, a white bandage covered a wound. No doubt the entry point of an arrow shot by Clay. The same man who had moved into our shared quarters.

For the first time since hearing his confession, I felt a stab of fear over the man I’d let back into my life—the man I was defending to anyone and everyone who would listen, and even some who wouldn’t.

“Look, Evie, we match,” Ethan said, pulling me from my thoughts. He pointed to his wound and grinned the way only someone who’d been face-to-face with death before could.

I pressed my fingers against my own now-healed scar. “Almost. Although mine’s a little lower.” Directly over my heart. “It’s a good thing we don’t match completely or you might not be here for me to talk to now.”

He waved me off. “Don’t be silly. But did I hear the healers right earlier? Twins?”

I nodded. “Crazy, huh?”

“A bit. I see you brought me some visitors.”

“Well, I’m not crazy enough to walk around pushing an empty stroller. Not yet anyway.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t going to happen today,” he accused jovially.

“Yesterday.” It was hard to believe that it was well after midnight and the craziest, but somehow most wonderful, day of my life was already behind me.

He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. You said you weren’t due for weeks.”

I shrugged. “I guess running for your life speeds these things up a bit.”

“I’m sorry, I should have been watching out more when I left. Maybe the little fucker wouldn’t have got the drop on me then.”

His words and the bandage on his shoulder were souvenirs that prompted me to remember that a little over twelve hours earlier, Clay had been a major threat to me. It was as if an uncaring universe evidence planted evidence in front of me to prove to me that Clay still dangerous. And that I didn’t really know who he was anymore. If nothing else, he was a volatile influence I couldn’t rely on.

“Where is he anyway? I know he’s in the court. Mack says he’s got his memory back.”

I nodded. “Yeah, he’s back.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but somehow lying to Ethan about Clay’s return was worse than any other time I’d said it. Maybe because he was in the healing rooms because of Clay. “He wasn’t sure how you’d feel about him visiting,” I added, piling more lies on top of the first. “He feels bad that he tried to kill you.” At least that part was true.

Ethan snorted. “As if he could kill me. I would have had his ass if he’d tried it without the element of surprise.”

I knew it was false bravado, but I let it go and tried to change the subject. “So did you want to meet Ava and David?”

Ethan looked a little worried. “I don’t really do the whole babies thing.”

“Well, you might have to get used to it. God knows how many you’ve fathered in your time,” I deadpanned.

“Hardy har har.” He twisted in place to get a better view inside the stroller. I offered to pass him one of the babies, but he shook his head with what looked like genuine fear on his features. I could see what he was thinking printed clearly across his face. He was a hunter, someone skilled at death, and the twins seemed so small and fragile, especially asleep. It was understandable that he’d be worried he’d break them.

“Seriously, though, they’ll always be your nephew and niece, so you might as well get used to them. Even if Clay hadn’t come back,” or if he leaves, “I always hoped you’d be a big part of their lives.”

“Of course, they’re family.” He met my gaze. “You all are. But maybe they’ll be a little more family when they’re just a bit bigger.” He risked another glance at the babies.

It was a far cry from the hunter who’d chased me through Charlotte and forced me to leap from the car to save my life. “Thank you.”

“How are you doing? You look tired.”

I bit back on the sarcastic comment that I wanted to make. Of course I’m tired. I squeezed two human beings out of my vagina after running for my life yesterday. Instead, I answered with something less likely to offend. “I’m okay.”

His expression warned me that he wasn’t buying it. “What’s wrong?”

“I think the sunbird might be awake already in Ava.” I was relieved to finally be able to voice one of the concerns I’d had for so long. Ever since the first time the fire had raced through my veins in the moments before she’d been born.

“Already? But I thought Clay said that it only woke in two situations.”

“Yeah, true love or mortal danger.”

“You think she recognized the danger when you were attacked?”

I nodded. “It’s the only explanation I can think of, but it worries me. I was barely able to control the fire when the sunbird woke in me and I was seventeen. How am I going to cope with a child who can set things on fire when she gets cranky?”

“Has she—”

“Not yet,” I cut him off. “But she’s running so hot each time she’s upset that I’m certain it’s only a matter of time.”

“What’s Clay think?”

I dropped my head into my hands.

“You haven’t told him yet?”

“I don’t know how.” I glanced up at Ethan and instantly realized my mistake. I didn’t know how to tell Clay because I didn’t think the new Clay would understand what it was to be a phoenix. The risk was that he might think our daughter was a threat. He’d tried to kill his own brother to get to me based on the hearsay of this father. I couldn’t trust that her being his child would be enough to stop him hurting her. “I don’t want to worry him about it with everything else that’s been going on,” I added quickly.

“If there’s one thing I know about my brother, it’s that it’ll worry him more if you don’t talk to him. He’ll know you’re keeping a secret. He has a sense for it. Besides, if it’s that obvious to you, he probably already knows.”

Could he already know? Clay had held both Ava and David; surely it would have been impossible for him not to notice the difference in temperature between the two. “I think you’re right. I should talk to him.” I grabbed the stroller.

“You’re leaving now?”

I nodded. “I have to talk to Clay.”

“But you just got here.”

“It’s late. You should be sleeping.”

He twisted his mouth in disgust. “That’s all I’m allowed to do in here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You look like you’re dead on your feet anyway.”

I nodded. “I’m starting to feel that way.”

“You should bring Clay here tomorrow so I can kick his ass for running off like he did in Alaska.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I knew Clay couldn’t risk any major time with his brother without tipping him off to the fact that his memory hadn’t actually returned. Although Ethan usually took Clay’s side, he had less reason to be forgiving than Louise in this case. “We’re supposed to be organizing our trip home though, so we may not be able to get here.”

“Home? I didn’t think they’d let Clay leave until, well, you know…”

“Ava isn’t coping well on the ethereal plane.”

A frown tugged at his brow. His concern for her welfare was reassuring.

“Mackenzie’s certain she’ll be fine once we’re home. I’m sure she’ll check on her again once we’re settled.”

“Don’t worry about me then, it sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate.”

“Thanks. You will look after yourself, though, won’t you?”

He grinned. “It’s just a scratch.”

I scoffed. “Sure.”

“I’ll see you when they let me out of here.”

“Make sure you’re listening to their instructions in the meantime.”

“Yeah, yeah. Although can you believe they expect me to stay celibate until this is healed?”

Of course that would be his one real complaint.

After saying goodbye, I headed back to see if Clay had recovered from my accidental insult. By the time I arrived, he was curled up on the tiny sofa facing away from the door.

When I glanced at the huge bed, my stomach twisted. I had so much room and he had none. For a moment, I debated waking him up and inviting him to share the space, but I wasn’t certain my unconscious self would respect the distance we needed to keep between us.

Well, I guess that sorts out the sleeping arrangements at least.