Jason

Mom stood in front of me, her eyes and nose red. Her gaze moved from me to Zayn. There was a slight frown, but she shook her head and glanced out to the parking lot before turning back to face me.

“Can I come in?” The words were soft and not a demand.

“Why do you want to come in?” I didn’t trust her. She’d done so much to hurt my brothers and sisters.

“I just want to talk.”

I stepped aside, bumping into Zayn as I moved. He placed his hand on my shoulder and kept it there. His touch warmed me. As my mom walked past, he ran his hand down my arm and twined our fingers together, squeezing twice. The connection kept me grounded. I liked being connected to him and having him support me now meant a lot.

Mom stood facing the tiny kitchen table before she turned to us. Her eyes lingered on mine and Zayn’s hands. Then she did something that shocked me. She held out her hand to Zayn and smiled.

“I’m Stephanie. I’m glad to meet you.”

“Are you really?” Zayn asked.

Mom blew out a breath, and she shook her head. “I don’t know, but I’m trying. I made a mistake.

Was she insane. A mistake? I wanted to ask her what the mistake was when she waved her hand around.

“I made a lot of mistakes. I don’t know what to do now. I—” She drew in a shuddering breath. “Can we sit?”

“Sure. Would you like something to drink?”

“Water?” She lifted her brows and her lips thinned.

Zayn squeezed my hand before he let go. “I’ll get us all some water.”

I nodded absently, wondering how the heck this had happened. My mom was apologizing. “Let’s sit at the table.” I figured that would make her more comfortable since Zayn wouldn’t be able to sit right beside me.

“Thank you.”

I pulled out a chair for her. She sat and looked up at me, her smile sad. My heart twisted thinking about how much it had cost her to admit she’d messed up.

Zayn came in with the three glasses of water and set them in front of us. An awkward air filled the space. Mom was here, but she wasn’t yelling or trying to control me.

“I always thought you were the most responsible of all the kids.” My mom’s words stung with the implied unspoken disappointment.

I had to know what she hadn’t said. “And now?”

“You’re still the most mature and responsible. I mean, Josh is responsible, he’s proven it. And Dianna is doing well in her classes, but you, Jason, you always knew what was going on and knew how to tackle it.”

I took a sip of water, trying to take in everything she was saying. “Why did you come by?”

“I wanted to tell you I’m trying. I know that’s not good enough yet. Jesus says actions are more important. Words are easy, and I really thought I was doing the right thing. I spent the night on my knees praying, and what I came up with is that God loves you. He—” A sob escaped my mom’s lips, and my heart squeezed. She held up her hand and cleared her throat. “He knew you were gay. What I did with Dianna—” She closed her eyes, and another sob came out. This time I moved and pulled her into a hug. She broke down, her body wracked with sobs. I was crying too. I glanced at Zayn and saw he was crying also. After a long moment, she wiped her eyes, and Zayn handed her a box of tissues. She blew her nose and sat up. “I was wrong. I should have been more open to you all. I think I messed everything up.”

“You didn’t,” Zayn said.

My mom stared at my boyfriend, her brows bunched. “How do you know I haven’t?”

“My mom and grandma tossed me out because I’m gay. Neither one of them has even tried to talk to me. They haven’t called, texted or come by. You’re trying. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours, and you’re here, trying to make things better.”

More tears came, and this time Zayn was right in the middle of the hug. When we separated, Mom blew her nose again, then she laughed.

“I usually don’t make such bad first impressions.”

I chuckled. “Mom, this is actually a good first impression. You’re here. I think that counts as good, don’t you?”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

“I think it does,” Zayn said.

Mom reached out a hand, and I took it. “I’d like you to move home.”

“What about Brianna and my room?”

Mom shook her head. “I stopped them from moving everything.”

“Have you apologized to Dianna?”

She nodded and let go another sob. “I messed up. I’m sorry.”

“You do realize Zayn and I are a couple, right?”

She looked at Zayn then back at me. “I understand. It’s not what I would have chosen, but I don’t really have a say.”

“I’ll talk to Josh. He’s fine with me living here.”

My mom was trying, and I was going to try too. I didn’t think for one minute she was ready to change everything, but if she tried to meet me halfway, I’d accept that.

“Zayn, where are you living?”

“Mrs. Johnson opened her home to me when she found out I was living on the street.”

Mom clutched her throat. “Oh, but her husband left. Isn’t that difficult without a man around the house?”

Zayn swallowed. I spoke before he could. “Mom, he wasn’t nice to her or Dave. I think she’s better off without him. Dave is happier. At least he seems happy the few times I’ve seen him.”

Mom nodded then glanced around again. “I should have helped Josh when he first moved here. I think I was too mad and saw his leaving as betrayal.”

“What is Dad thinking?”

“He’s at the church trying to come up with a sermon.”

I swallowed hard. “Is he going to tell people I’m gay?”

She shook her head. “No, he’s going to talk about parents admitting they made a mistake. It won’t be popular, but I woke him up around three this morning and told him what I was thinking. He admitted the reason he didn’t tell me about you being gay was because he’d been wrestling with it. Every time he wanted to condemn you, he couldn’t. That’s why he stopped talking to you. He just couldn’t accept that he was wrong, no matter how many times Jesus tried to tell him he’d messed up.”

Surprise filtered over me. Who were these people and what had they done with my parents? I looked at Zayn, and his lips tilted up.

“It’s your call, but I’d say your mom is trying.”

I nodded. “I’d like Dad and everyone else to meet Zayn.”

Mom gave me a real smile. “I think that would be a good idea.”

“Before I move back in, and I’m not saying for sure I’ll move in, but I want to make sure you understand Zayn is a part of my life, so I want this to happen before I come back.”

“I get that. I know you have no reason to trust me. I want Zayn to be a part of your life. I want you to feel like you have a place in this family. I’ll probably mess up again, but I’ll try not to.”

I believed her, even if it was just a whisper of belief, it was there. “Okay, so where do we go from here?”

“I guess we start with actually talking to each other.”

“You can’t force any of the girls to marry anyone.”

Her lips turned down, and her eyes went unfocused for a second. “That’ll be hard on them. I don’t want them to suffer marrying a bad person. I just see little hope out there for them.”

“Your mother allowed you to make that choice, and your marriage turned out okay.”

Her lips twisted. “Yes and no. I mean, I love your father, but there just aren’t good men out there.”

“Mom, people are people. There have always been bad men and good men. Just like there have always been gay men and women. It’s no different today than it was twenty years ago or two hundred. Good people exist.”

My mom’s mouth looked pinched, her features harsh. She looked so judgmental I almost flinched. This was the look she got before she started in on me. “I just see so much bad.”

I shook my head. “Maybe it’s because that’s what you’re focusing on. What about me and Josh? Do you think we’re bad?”

The shake of her head was violent. “No, not at all.”

“Well, there are millions of people out there just like Josh and me.”

“But how will Dianna figure out who is bad and who is good?” Mom asked.

“She’s not stupid. She can tell.”

“What if she gets hurt?”

Mom looked so desperate, so upset. She had no clue what she’d been doing to us all. I didn’t want to be mean, but we were supposed to communicate. The words were hard to say.

“Mom, I’m gay. Don’t you think it hurt me when you said bad things about gay people?” Her brows knit tighter. I could tell she was thinking about what I had to say. Maybe this would make a lasting impact, or maybe it would just screw us all up. “Mom, don’t you think it hurt Dianna when you tried to force her to marry some pervy guy she didn’t even like?”

She gasped, and I saw anger forming as her lips thinned even more. “How can you say that? I wasn’t doing it to hurt her.”

“That may not have been your intention, but it was the result. You need to look at it from Dianna’s perspective. I know you said you’ll change, but really think long and hard about how your actions have made things worse for all of us. I’m willing to give you a chance, to accept that you’ll never try to hurt Zayn. Please keep that in mind.”

She opened her mouth to say something then closed it. Her eyes flicked to Zayn before she looked back at me. “Do you really feel like you were gay all along?”

“Of course. I’ve tried to hide it, but yes, I’ve been gay my whole life.”

She reached out, and I took her hand. The connection felt different like she actually would accept me for who I was. I knew it would take a while, but maybe if we didn’t allow her to run over us, life would be better.

“I’m sorry if we’ve failed you.”

I didn’t like how our family had fallen apart. I wanted us to be whole, but for that to happen, we had to be honest with each other. “It’s okay. Let’s move forward from here.”

I saw the tears in her eyes, and I moved to hug her again. Zayn left the room. I heard the toilet flush, and mom and I pulled back, and we laughed.

“This really is a small apartment Josh lives in.”

“It is.”

Zayn came out and paused. “What?”

Mom and I both laughed. I stood and moved to Zayn when I saw anger flash over his face. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him quickly. “We were laughing about this apartment. Maybe we’re just giddy.”

His gaze held mine for a moment before we separated. “Okay, so I guess we’re going to plan a dinner? I love food.”

Mom chuckled, her eyes bright. She stood, gathering her purse. “I guess I need to go. Please come home soon.”

“I’ll stay here a few more days. I want to make sure you really mean what you say.”

The hurt in Mom’s eyes made me want to take back my words, but I had to stand up for myself.

“I understand. Please come to dinner tomorrow night. Bring Zayn and see if Josh will come. We’ll see if we can make this family a family again. I don’t like how things have been for the last few years.”

“Okay. I’ll tell Josh when he gets home in the morning.”

“I work until three tomorrow.”

Mom’s lips thinned again. “What about church? I thought Mrs. Johnson wouldn’t schedule you on Sundays.”

“I’m covering someone’s shift, and now she might schedule me on Sundays. We’ll see how it goes.”

“But—”

I shook my head. “I’ll work with her on Sundays, but I will work a few Sundays here and there.”

Mom looked like she wanted to say something, but she held her tongue. It must have been hard for her to keep quiet. She’s spent so many years telling all of us what to do, and it had only grown worse over the years. Now, she was changing everything. Maybe not every single thing, but enough to make it hurt.

“I love you, Mom. It may not seem that way right now with me moving out, but I do love you.”

Her lips screwed up, and she glanced to the floor before turning her attention back to me. “I’m sorry you ever thought I hated you. I want to make that up to you. I love you, Jason.”

We were both crying again. Zayn was there, his hand on my back. I loved him so much. He could have gone off on my mom. He knew what it was like to be abandoned, knew the pain and loss. I hadn’t suffered anywhere near as much as he had.

Mom eventually stopped crying and wiped her tears. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I’ll call you tomorrow to make sure you’re still okay with this.”

“I will be. I love you.”

Watching her leave, knowing I had a place to live and she couldn’t manipulate me back into their home, was odd. She’d spent so long trying to change us all.

“You okay?” Zayn asked.

“Yeah, I think I am. I have you, and that’s more important than anything else.”

“I have an idea. Why don’t we head to my house? Mom will be there, and we can watch a movie. That way we don’t end up naked.”

I cupped his cheeks. “I’d rather stay here and end up naked, but you’re right. I told Josh I wouldn’t, and I’m not breaking his trust.”

We spent the evening watching movies and eating pizza. Dave showed up midway through the movie and joined us. It was an awesome evening. We laughed and talked late into the night. Dave loaded my bike into the back of his truck and drove me home. Zayn was with us, and when I got out, Zayn gave me a huge kiss. I waved before I entered the apartment.

Living alone would take some getting used to. Without Josh, the place felt empty. Getting to sleep took a while. Every noise outside seemed magnified. I wasn’t sure how Josh did it.

Early the next morning Josh stumbled in. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, blinking at him.

“Hey, sorry about being so noisy.”

“It’s okay. Mom came by.”

“Whoa, I need more coffee before we have this discussion.”

“What time is it?”

“Seven thirty.”

“Ugh, that’s early. I need to get up for work.”

“What time are you going in?”

“Nine. I’ll be off at three I think. We’re eating dinner at Mom’s.”

“Yeah, more coffee first.”

I stumbled into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. How had I changed Mom’s mind? I wasn’t anything special. But standing up for myself had triggered something inside her that made her see reason.

Josh made coffee. At his first sip, he moaned. He moved to the table, sitting where Mom had the day before. “Tell me what happened.”

“She apologized. Said she had been wrong. She prayed all night and decided she had made mistakes.”

Josh huffed out a breath. “She sure did. What did she say about Dianna?” Josh sipped more coffee, his face relaxing as he drank.

“She’s worried but knows she can’t set Dianna up. I think she’s trying to be better.”

“Well, hallelujah. Took her long enough.”

“She wants me to move back in.”

“You don’t have to. I know sleeping on the couch isn’t perfect.”

I stared at the table where Josh had put his mug down. After a moment, I glanced up, seeing he was staring at me. “I don’t think I should make any decisions yet. It’s too early to tell if she really meant what she’d said.”

“That’s true.”

“Well, I know you want to sleep. I’m going to shower, eat breakfast—which I did buy more food, then I was going to work.”

“You didn’t have to buy more stuff. I make enough to feed us.”

“I know, I just wanted to help. I’m going to make eggs and toast. Do you want any?”

“How about you shower, and I’ll make breakfast? Then we can eat together, and after you leave, I’ll shower and nap. That way I’m ready for dinner tonight. I’m sure it will be good.”

“The food is always good,” I said.

“No, I mean the fireworks.”

I laughed then stood, patting Josh on the back as I passed. I showered fast and was back in the kitchen as Josh finished cooking. He talked about his shift; not much had happened. After cleaning up the dishes, I headed to work. Josh said he was going to watch a little TV then head to bed.

Work was okay. It did remind me why I didn’t want to spend my life at a grocery store. I made it home with time to shower and dress. Maybe this was a bad idea, but we were going to go through with it anyway.

Josh swung by Mrs. Johnson’s house, and we picked up Zayn. We were all nervous. At my parents’ house, the mood was strained. I had no expectations.

Zayn was chatting with Tom and Matt about soccer. Dianna was helping Mom in the kitchen, and I went in there to help too. Dad came in and stared at me for a moment before walking out.

“Is he having problems accepting me?” I asked Dianna.

“You missed his sermon this morning. Some people are angry he said that gays may not be the evil he’d said they were. He doesn’t know what to do.”

“Oh.” I’d been cutting tomatoes and decided I needed to talk to him. I washed my hands and went in search of him. I found him in the hall leading to the bedrooms. He was staring into the den, watching Zayn.

“How can I continue to be a preacher when I no longer believe?”

I turned to look at Zayn and then glanced back to my dad. “Do you really no longer believe the Bible?”

“I don’t know.” Dad threw up his hands.

“Maybe you need to dig deeper. When I first realized I was gay, I prayed it would go away. Then one day I was in church, and it dawned on me that I wasn’t in the wrong. I did some investigating and found a few sites dedicated to Christian gays. Maybe it’s time for you to do some research.”

He turned to look at me, his lips down in a frown. “What if everyone in the church leaves, and I have to close it?”

“That would be their loss then. What is more important to you?”

He closed his eyes and huffed out a breath. I saw movement off to my side and turned to see Zayn coming over. Dad watched, his brows pinched tighter as Zayn hugged me. I thought for a moment Dad was going to throw a fit, but he didn’t.

“Zayn, where did you grow up?” Dad asked.

“In Washington state, near Seattle.”

“Did you go to church out there?”

“Not really. It just wasn’t a part of our lives.” Zayn paused then spoke again. “I’m not sure why I’d want to. From what I’ve seen, church isn’t very nice to people.”

Dad swallowed and said nothing more. Mom called us all to dinner a few seconds later. We headed to the table. It was weird being here with Zayn. He seemed nervous, which I understood. He’d grown up with just him and his mom. Our family would be intimidating even without the fact we were in a relationship hanging over our heads.

After the blessing, conversation started slowly. It was like a balloon waiting to pop. Then Lori went and did it.

“There’s a new round of training starting at the fire department. I submitted for a scholarship, took the tests, and I got in. I’ll be starting training in two weeks.”

One second passed, then another. The silence hung heavy in the air. Then everyone started talking all at once. The kids were all excited, but Mom and Dad didn’t look too pleased.

“I can’t believe you did this without our permission,” Mom said.

“A woman in the fire department. Josh tell her how preposterous that is,” Mom said.

“Actually,” Josh said. “Lori would make a great fire department employee. We have two women on the fire crew here. It’s tough work, but I think Lori could do it.”

“Thanks, Josh.” Lori’s smile stretched wide.

“Why would you want to be a fireman, um fire-person?” Mom’s brows knit so tightly together it was nearly comical.

It was nice to have their attention on someone else. I reached over and took Zayn’s hand as Lori explained her reasoning. Our gazes met and held. His lips curved up in a smile that twisted my insides. I wanted to lean in and kiss him, but I felt that would be too much for my parents. Everyone had stopped talking, and Dad cleared his throat.

“So, Zayn, what are you doing after you graduate?” Dad asked.

“I’m taking classes at Georgia College. Right now, I have a grant to help pay for glasses. I want to transfer to Georgia Tech to take architecture or maybe computer graphics.”

“Georgia Tech, isn’t that in Atlanta?” My mom had gone from casual questions to grilling. I could hear it in her voice. She was up to something, but I wasn’t sure what.

“It is. We’ll probably move there after Jason graduates.”

“Move there, as in live together?” Mom’s anger was ratcheting up. This was going bad fast. Maybe it was Lori’s proclamation she wanted to be a firefighter, or maybe it was the realization that her four older children were no longer sitting back and allowing her to run our lives.

I took Zayn’s hand again and squeezed. “We’re a couple, and we’ll probably move to Atlanta together. I’ll work while he finishes school. Then he’ll put me through college.”

My mom stared at us, her mouth open, disbelief on her face. “How long have you two been together?”

“Since that camp Dad sent me to.” I could tell that answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

“That was a year ago,” Mom said.

Zayn nodded. “It’s been a good year.”

I smiled. “A very good year.”

Mom closed her eyes and shook her head. “I thought this was just a phase you were going through and we could help you grow out of it once you saw your folly. But a year?”

I groaned. I’d wondered if Mom’s earlier stance had been for show. “This is who I am, Mom.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. It’ll take me a while to get used to it. I just didn’t realize you had been dating Zayn for so long. How did you do it without us knowing?”

“Is it really necessary to hash out how we dated for a year and kept it a secret. I didn’t tell because I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. We took walks and bike rides. Every once in a while, we went to the movies or out to get a burger. Basically, we spent time together.”

Dad cleared his throat again. “I don’t think we should focus on the past. They dated. Moving in together, I don’t know. Are you two really ready for that?”

“We are. We know it will be tough, but we’re ready.”

Mom shook her head. “I just…this is a lot.”

Tom and Matt were staring at me, their eyes wide. Matt spoke first. “So Josh is a fireman, and Lori wants to do that too. Dianna is doing hair, and Jason is going to move in with his boyfriend.” Tom high-fived Matt, and they cheered.

“What are you two so happy about?” Mom asked.

“We could screw up and still not be the biggest losers in the family,” Tom said.

“Hey, what does that mean?” Josh said.

“I’m not a loser, you punk,” Dianna said.

The conversation devolved, and I saw the helpless look on Mom’s face. Maybe in a few years, she’d be happy for me and Zayn. At least she wasn’t trying to convert or kill us. Heck, Zayn’s parents hadn’t even talked to him in ages.

“Okay, enough,” Dad called out over the din of my siblings’ voices. “Jason is gay. He’s not a loser. We will support him. I know I’ve preached some things in the past that could be taken as being against gay people. I’m sorry for that, Jason. We won’t get it right all the time. Heck, we might mess up every day, but, Jason, would you give us some grace so we can figure out how to deal with it?”

“Yes, as long as you don’t try and break us up or try to convince me we’re not supposed to be gay, then yes. Zayn is important to me.”

“I’m glad you have someone,” Mom said.

“Me too,” Dad added.

This was not what I’d expected. Mom and Dad had changed. It was odd to think bringing home a gay man as my partner was a good idea. Matt and Tom were asking Zayn questions. Lori was talking to Josh about the fire department, and Dianna was telling Brianna about class. Overall, the dinner went great.

We drove Zayn home, and I kissed him before he went inside. That kiss was a promise of more to come. Josh’s place was small, and I knew I couldn’t stay here forever. After a week, I packed up my stuff and headed home. Josh said I could stay, but I had a feeling he’d be happy to have his couch back.

Summer ended, school started, and life went on. Zayn and I got together as often as we could manage. In December he graduated. He was taking more classes at Georgia college that would transfer to Georgia Tech. The last semester of high school was nearly impossible to stay motivated. Spring fever had hit hard. Classes were a slog, but I pushed on so I could be with Zayn when he moved to Atlanta.

Every spare moment we spent together. My parents were working on accepting him, but I could tell it was hard sometimes for them to accept I was gay and that none of their children were doing what they thought we should do.

But life with Zayn was amazing. We’d grown even closer. He got into Georgia Tech and even received a scholarship. There was cheap housing close to campus, and we were moving up the first week in July. I had a job lined up at a grocery store not too far from campus. Mrs. Johnson had helped me transfer. I was going in as the assistant manager of the place. I’d have benefits and insurance.

The day after graduation I was hanging out with Zayn at Mrs. Johnson’s place when his phone rang. He checked the number but didn’t recognize it.

“You should answer, could be college.”

“Sure.” He slid his hand over the screen to answer. The severe frown on his face chilled me. I wasn’t sure who he was talking to, but whatever news he’d received seemed terrible, and I wished I’d not told Zayn to answer that call.