Zayn

I waved to Leo one last time as I rounded the corner before he sped off with all the other workers in his truck. I’d been at a construction site with him and his contracting team all day as a day laborer. Exhaustion made my whole body ache. The two-and-a-half block walk back to the church seemed like miles, but somehow, I made it.

Sighing deeply, I pushed open the large wooden door to the church. Echoes bounced around the empty concrete entryway. Light streamed in through several windows, illuminating the lonely corners and stacked chairs. Sweat dripped down my back, and I was covered head to toe in dirt. I hadn’t showered in almost two weeks and I stank. Each night I rinsed off using the bathroom sink, and while I was clean, I wanted a shower. I stared at myself in the mirror, feeling a little numb and overwhelmed.

I found a sponge underneath the sink and went to work, scrubbing away the grime. Satisfied with how clean I was, I stuffed my dirty clothes in my bag and pulled out some new ones. Before I left the bathroom, I wiped down the countertop and threw away the paper towels and sponge.

The bag of food Jason had given me the other day was a welcome relief. He was too nice. Guilt was a constant whisper while I ate his parents’ food, but I didn’t have a choice. I still didn’t have enough money to live without help. I’d gone to one of those places to wash my clothes and spent nearly five dollars. Living was expensive. Somehow, I’d have to learn how to provide for myself. Relying on others wasn’t my way. Maybe I should stuff my pride, but I needed to be able to take care of myself and I wanted to be the one to provide for Jason, not the other way around.

With the TV flipped on, I dug the blanket out from the space behind the couch and settled in comfortably. Nothing good was on since they didn’t have cable hooked up here, but it was something in the background to keep me from being so lonely. The bag of barbeque chips hit the spot, and I munched away, trying not to wallow.

My heart ached for Jason as I sat alone with my chips. I wished we could be a normal couple and go to the movies or take walks and go to dinner, meet each other’s parents, and hang out with our friends. Why did we have to fight so hard just to love each other?

When I was deep in thought, I barely heard the sound of a door opening in the distance. My head spun as I jumped up to flip off the TV and the lights. I threw the chips in a bag and shoved my things underneath the couch. My heart pounded so fast, I thought I would pass out. Adrenaline ran hot through my veins, making my skin tingle. After a quick look around, I ducked behind the couch and tried to make myself as small as possible. With the blanket over my head, I pressed into the wall and hugged my knees to my chest. My eyes squeezed tight when I heard footsteps approaching. The first couple days, I’d been worried someone would come in, but after a while, I got comfortable, maybe too comfortable.

“Is anyone here?” the voice was unfamiliar, a man, older, probably well into his forties.

I shook with fear as I heard the footsteps getting closer and closer. I peeked under the couch at the limited light streaming in from the hallway across the way. I saw his shadow walk past, pause for a moment in front of the couch, then luckily continued moving in the opposite direction, away from my hiding place.

The thought of this man finding me was so terrifying I could feel my heart jump against my chest with every beat. If they found me, surely, I’d spend the rest of the night in a cold prison cell. No one from any church had ever really liked me. I had little doubt this group wouldn’t be understanding.

Would this guy ever leave? I listened for the sound of the door closing, praying to God he’d found whatever it was he was looking for and was on his way out. It must have been another five minutes or so before I heard the front door to the church close in the distance, followed by the key in the door, twisting the lock closed.

The pressing weight of fear diminished. My head dropped back against the wall. I breathed out a sigh of relief. The fear that was gripping me tight loosened its reins a little.

I wiped the sweat that had gathered on my brow and stood up, stretching out my aching legs from the awkward position I’d been crouching in. Adrenaline has a way of masking discomfort and now I was in pain.

I scanned over the entire room at least four times like I did early every morning before heading to the park. I had to make sure every single thing was exactly as I’d left it so Jason didn’t get in trouble. I couldn’t do that to Jason after everything he was doing for me.

I threw the blanket and my chips in the bag, threw my bag over my shoulder and headed for the door.

It wasn’t safe here anymore. I’d have to find somewhere else to sleep. Maybe there was a shelter, or I could find someone’s place to crash. Worse comes to worst, I would beg Grandma for a surface to lay my head at night and a drawer for my belongings. It would be miserable. But a lot better than the streets, which unfortunately looked like where I’d be sleeping tonight.

I wandered away from the church, watching businesses close, turning their signs around and locking their doors. Lights were turning off, and it was getting darker and darker. My heart was beating faster with every step. I wasn’t even sure where I was going. I had nowhere to call home. I knew there would be no way to get in touch with Jason. I tried calling him, but it went straight to voicemail, which meant his phone was off and hidden away where his family couldn’t find it.

I walked until I found a small alley behind some shops. It wasn’t wide enough for a truck to drive through, instead it was just a bunch of businesses backed up to each other. A fence blocked the area, but I ducked under a broken space and settled behind a set of stairs. It certainly wasn’t ideal, but it was somewhere safe. No one was around, no voices or cameras, so I thought I was in the clear.

I wasn’t sure what to do or where to go in the morning. I was living minute to minute. My anxiety was through the roof as I pressed my back against the cold concrete wall and slumped down further. Everything in me twisted and turned as I let a single tear roll down my cheek. How had things gotten this messed up? I closed my eyes as I listened to the howling and barking of dogs in the distance. The longer I sat there, the more scared I was. This was what being homeless was like. I really had no one. My grandma hadn’t searched for me, and my mom hadn’t turned my service on again to my old phone. She hadn’t called. Nothing. They didn’t care.

I tried to picture Jason there with me, his arms around me pulling me close into his protective embrace. But that’s all I had, just my imagination. This was truly one of the lowest points in my entire life.