Chapter 4
Their kissing became deeper, more passionate. At this rate, she thought, they’d never be able to stop kissing. The way he moved his mouth against hers, tugging on her lip and teasing her. He was driving her mad.
He wrapped her legs around his waist and stood, her weight nothing for him and his thick muscles. He was like a bear in a lot of ways. Huge arms and legs, wide chest. He was like a rock of hard muscle. She wondered if everything about him was so big.
He threw her onto the bed and jumped onto of her, making a sound like a growl. It rumbled through her, setting all the little hairs across her body standing on end. She was hot and she wanted him. She reached to his waist and pulled his shirt over his head.
His chest had a lot of hair. She twisted some of it around her fingers and pulled. He moaned in her ear and reached up under her shirt. He pinched her nipples and rang his fingers along her breasts.
She wiggled out of her shirt, then her pants. She was just in her panties, but he still had his pants on. That wouldn’t do. She tugged at his belt until she got it loose and pushed down his pants.
She reached under his boxers, but he wasn’t hard like she expected. He looked down and sighed.
“I’m sorry. I drank too much.”
“It’s okay,” she said, getting to her knees. “I can fix it.”
She pushed him down on the bed and took off his boxers. She kneeled in front of him and took his cock into her mouth. For several minutes, she worked on him, sucking and pulling, squeezing his base and balls as he moaned in pleasure.
Eventually he got hard. Though he reached down to touch her, to press his finger between her lips, she didn’t want to take the chance of waiting and have him lose it. She climbed on top of him and held him in position.
She slid down slowly, feeling every inch of him as he entered her. Tingles ran through her and she shuddered in delight. She sat there for a second, feeling his fullness inside her.
He couldn’t take the waiting. He grabbed her hips and moved under her, pressing into her and pulling out in a steady, slow rhythm.
“You feel so good inside me,” she said.
He answered with a moan and thrust deep into her. He growled and pushed up from the bed suddenly, sending her onto her back. He was on top of her now, and used his position and all his weight to pound into her faster and harder.
She cried out with the pleasure of it. “Yes, faster.”
She didn’t know if there was a faster, but he found it somehow. He was slamming into her so hard that their bodies made loud slapping sounds. Her clit rubbed against him, forcing the pressure in her to build.
She felt it grow and said, “I’m coming,” just as the pressure exploded and she broke into orgasm.
He slowed a bit, but didn’t stop. “I want to see you do that again.”
She smiled up at him, panting. “That was so intense, I don’t know if I can.”
“Let’s find out.”
He kept his pace slow and steady, moving his hips in circles so that it rubbed against her clit and the head of his dick hit every part of her insides. After she recovered, she was still so wet and he still felt so good, that the feeling started to return almost as soon as he picked up the pace.
She sat up, forcing him to sit up, too. She wrapped her legs around him, so that she could rock back and forth, keeping him deep inside her the whole time. From this position, he could easily reach her ass. He wet his pinky and slipped it inside her.
She’d never had anyone do that before and the sudden sensation, mixed with the intense joy of it, sent prickles across her spine. She moaned loudly and as she was about to come, he said, “I’m coming.”
She pressed herself hard against him so that she finished a second time just as he did. He wrapped this thick arms around her and squeezed her tight.
She climbed off him after a few minutes and started looking for her clothes.
“What are you doing?” he asked, lying back on the bed, panting and glistening.
“I have to go.”
“No, really? Please stay.” He lifted up on one elbow to watch her. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. Not after everything that happened earlier.”
She dropped her jeans, but put her panties on. “Okay.”
She curled up beside him in bed and fell asleep with his hot body wrapped hers like a protective cocoon.
In the morning, Carolyn woke first. She managed to slip out from under his arm without waking him and got dressed. She had to get back to her dorm. She had class. And besides that, as great as Gabe seemed to be, she had to focus on school. And she had enough going on with Sam and his crap, too. She didn’t want to bring someone else into the mess of her life. Especially not when he was in such a horrible place himself. She was happy to talk with him, to help him out, even sleep with him now and then, but there could be no relationship. And he needed to focus on football anyway.
Before she left the room, she dug around and found a scrap of paper in his trashcan. On it, she wrote, “Stay strong. Call if you need me. Remember, if you don’t start living, you’re just as dead as your brother. Don’t miss out on your life. Go play.”
She set the note beside him in bed and snuck from the room. As she drove home, she thought about the night before. How he’d been in such bad shape. Hopefully he had some great friends to keep him going. She couldn’t do this all the time. She had too much going on to add someone else who needed her like that. She needed someone to lift her up once and a while, not who needed to be held together all the time. She’d given him a night. And that would hopefully help and get him out and moving.
When she got to her room, Mikaela sat up in bed. “Tell me everything!”
Carolyn sighed and sat down hard on her bed. “Big hottie is a hot mess.”
“Oh, why?” she whined.
“He is not handling his brother’s death well.”
“But if anyone can help him get through that, you can.”
“Exactly,” she said. “But I don’t want another Sam. I’m finally starting to feel normal again myself after my dad. And I still have Sam calling me and trying to get me back and drinking and being a mess. Now I’m going to take on Gabe so he can do that same thing? I don’t think so.”
“But he’s so hot. And big! Did you at least…” She bit her lip and smiled hopefully.
“Yeah. After I had to pick him up at a party where he was trashed and locked himself in a bathroom with a razor blade.”
“Oh. Geez. But you did?”
“Yes, Mikaela. We did the nasty. I took him back to his house and we talked and hooked up.”
“And?” She leaned forward, hugging her pillow.
Carolyn couldn’t help it. She grinned despite herself. “It was good.”
“Was everything else as big as he is?”
“Yes.” She rolled her eyes. “You can call him if you want.”
“No.” She sighed. “I’ll just keep masturbating and living vicariously through you until my boyfriend decides to switch school and be closer to me.”
“Pfft. Right? Who needs Harvard? That jerk.”
“I know!” Mikaela threw her pillow down and lay back on it. “So, now what?”
“Food. Coffee. I have class.”
“Curse you and your diligence.”
“Hey. If you would have known me in high school, maybe you would have gotten into Harvard, too.”
“Ouch. Bitch.” She threw the pillow at her and missed.
“Come on.” Carolyn pulled her hand to drag her from the bed. “I don’t want to go down there alone.”
“I’m coming, I’m coming.”
“That’s what I said last night.” Carolyn giggled and Mikaela slapped her arm.
“So jealous.”
Later that day, after they’d gotten back from classes and studying in the library, then dinner at their favorite local pizza place, Carolyn sat down at her desk. She opened the packet of birth controls pills that she kept in her drawer. When she looked closer, she realized that several of the pills that should have been missing, weren’t.
She wasn’t in the best habit of taking them when she was supposed to, or remembering to take them everyday. It hadn’t been an issue for a while, though, because she wasn’t sleeping with anyone. There’d been a scare or two with Sam, but it was always nothing in the end. She took the pill for today. It would probably be fine. She hoped.
Eight weeks later, it was clear that it had not been fine. She’d been ignoring the symptoms for a while. Ignoring Mikaela every time she said, “Just take a test so you know.” But she’d been throwing up and her boobs hurt and she was tired, and she could go on about other things, like her missed period, but all in all, it was pretty clear. Her little oops hadn’t been fine this time.
But just to be safe, she and Mikaela went to the drugstore after their last class of the day. They bought a test and ice cream. They would either celebrate or drown their sorrows after, Mikaela promised.
They got back to their dorm room and Carolyn opened the test package with shaking hands. Mikaela sat with her while she took the test and waited. The timer went off on her phone.
“I can’t look. You look,” Carolyn said, squeezing her eyes shut.
She heard Mikaela pick up the test stick and set it back down. She didn’t say anything though, and Carolyn finally peeled her eyes open. The look on Mikaela’s face said it all. Carolyn picked up the stick just to be sure, but there were two little lines, which meant she was pregnant.
“What are you going to do?” Mikaela asked.
“I don’t know.”
She hadn’t heard from Gabe and she hadn’t really been tempted to call him. They’d had a great night, sure, but she meant it when she said she couldn’t take on someone else who had emotional neediness. She had her own stuff going on, and now she had a lot more. Calling Gabe and telling him he’d gotten her pregnant would only make things worse for him. They had nothing serious, after all.
And what was even worse, she couldn’t be sure it was his. A few weeks after she’d slept with Gabe, she met another guy and slept with him. She didn’t normally sleep around so much, but she’d been feeling lonely. There was a much better chance it was Gabe’s since she had her first missed period after she was with him, but sometimes her periods weren’t regular. The first missed one could have been a fluke, or from stress and not from pregnancy. The most she could be was pretty sure. How had she gotten herself into this mess?
If things couldn’t be any worse, her phone rang as they were sitting together in the bathroom. Carolyn picked it up and saw Sam’s name. She set it back down and shook her head.
“It’s like he has spidey sense for the worst possible moment to call,” she said to Mikaela.
“Are you going to tell him? When are you going to call Gabe?”
“I don’t see a reason to tell Sam,” Carolyn said. “It’ll probably only send him drinking, and telling Gabe will do the same thing.”
“You’re not going to tell either of them?”
“I can’t. It’s too risky. Neither of them are in a good place to handle this. And…”
“And what?” Mikaela asked.
“There was someone after Gabe. I’m pretty sure it’s his, but there’s a chance it’s not.”
“Someone after Gabe? Who!”
“Just some guy. Nothing special. I was lonely and bored and he was there. But he ended up being kind of… rough. I didn’t like it. I want it to be Gabe’s out of the both of them. I just don’t know.”
“Oh, honey.” Mikaela gave her a sad face.
“Yeah.” She ran her fingers though her hair. “I’m a mess.”
Her phone beeped with a voice mail. Of course. She hit the button to listen to it and pressed the phone to ear wearily.
“Hey, Care, it’s me.” He sounded surprisingly clear and strong for a change. “I just wanted to give you a call and tell you that I just hit sixty days. Today, actually. I’m pretty proud about it and I thought you should know. Thanks for all your help. I hope you’re doing well.”
She set the phone down in awe. It had been a while since she’d heard from him, she realized. There hadn’t been any drunken late night calls since before she met Gabe, which had been a few months ago. When she sat down to figure things out, she thought she was about eight weeks along. It all added up. What didn’t make sense was how Sam had managed to get himself sober.
Maybe she should actually call him back. He hadn’t asked her to. He hadn’t begged for her to come home or anything like that. He’d only wanted to tell her and to thank her. Which was very out of character for him.
“It was Sam, right?” Mikaela asked, studying her face.
“Yeah, but… I think he’s actually sober.”
“How’d that happen?”
“I don’t know, but I think I’m going to call him.”
Carolyn went back into their room and sat on her bed. She steadied herself, then dialed.
“Hey!” He sounded so excited to get her call, it brought a smile to her face.
“I got your message. Congratulations. That’s awesome.”
“Thanks. Most of it is because of you.”
“No, Sam. I tried to get you sober for years. This is all you. And I am proud of you for it.”
“You do realize,” he said, “that you leaving me was the thing that woke me up. After I got done wallowing and feeling sorry for myself, I thought, well, if I hadn’t been such a loser drunk, maybe I wouldn’t have lost you.”
“Sam—”
“Before you even say it, I didn’t call you to beg you to come back. In fact, I’ve started seeing someone.”
“Oh.” This both shocked her and gave her a twinge of guilt. Sure, she’d moved on, but she didn’t think he would. They weren’t even divorced technically, though they’d now been separated for more than a year. “That’s great.”
“She’s really great. Very helpful and she sees things that I just don’t see.”
“I’m glad you found someone. You sound really good.”
“Thanks. After the last guy I was seeing turned out to be a nightmare, I’m so glad I have her. She’s much more available and there for me.”
“The what? The guy you were seeing?” She’d never known him to be bisexual in any way. To hear him talk about seeing a guy was disturbing. What in the world had he been up to?
“Just some idiot my insurance recommended. But then I talked to someone at a meeting and he recommended Sarah. She’s the one I’ve been seeing.”
“Sarah… is a therapist?”
“Yeah. What did you think I meant?”
She didn’t want to admit that relief washed over her. Maybe she wasn’t over Sam as much as she liked to believe she was. Jealousy had flared and now she was glad that he hadn’t been dating someone. “I guess I thought you meant seeing like dating . Just the way you said it.”
“I told you a thousand times, Carolyn. You’re the only one for me. But I am seeing a therapist. Sarah. Twice a week. And she’s been very helpful. She was the one who told me not to call you for 60 days. And I did it. I stayed sober and I didn’t call you. And you know what? It was okay. I hung out with some of the guys that I go to meetings with. We drink sodas and watch the game and do stuff I used to do all the time with my drinking buddies. Only, now we don’t have beer or liquor.”
“That sounds great, Sam, really. I’m happy for you. Are you working?”
“Yeah. Still at the warehouse. Going on three months now.”
“Warehouse? I didn’t even know you had a job.”
“Oh,” he said. “I guess I haven’t talked to you in a while. Yeah. Three months. It’s going well.”
“That’s really great.” She didn’t know what else to say. She was amazed. And now it seemed like he was the one with his life together and she was a mess. Pregnant to some guy she barely knew. Possibly to some other guy she knew less and liked less. Didn’t even know for sure who the father of her baby was. Probably have to drop out of school to have the baby. And where would she end up? A single mom, working three jobs to support her kid, thinking how she never finished college or did anything with her life. She started to cry, trying to keep it as silent as possible.
“Care? You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice wavering. “I’ll be fine. I just have a lot going on, but I’m good. All good things.”
“Like what?”
“Oh, just school, you know. My roommate is awesome.”
“Good…” He didn’t say anything for a few moments. But when she didn’t either, he said, “So, why are you crying?”
“I’m just really happy for you.That’s all.”
“Wow, that’s a lie if I ever heard one. Not that you’re not happy for me. But that there’s nothing else. What’s going on?”
She took a deep breath, then blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”
“Oh.”
They were both quiet for several long moments.
Then he said, “Congratulations,” in a flat tone.
She started to cry harder. “Don’t congratulate me! This wasn’t planned.”
“Okay, well, what do you want me to say? Sorry you got knocked up by accident?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Anything except congratulations.”
“I hope he’s a decent guy, at least. He’s lucky to have you. He better not screw it up.”
“Yeah. I’m sure he is a decent guy. I don’t actually know him very well.”
“Nice.”
“You can judge me all you want. I know my life is messy right now, but at least I’m clean, okay?”
“Good. I hope you stay that way, especially for the baby’s sake.”
“There’s no danger of me going back to that,” she said. “Believe me. Even messy, my life is far better now than it was before.”
“Before. When you were married to me.”
“I’m still married to you.”
“Does your baby daddy know that?”
“Don’t call him that. No, he doesn’t know anything. I just found out, and I haven’t told him yet. Aside from my roommate, you’re the first person I told.”
“Really?” he said. “And are you going to be with this guy or what?”
“I don’t think I’m even going to tell him. He has enough going on in his life.”
“Carolyn, come home. We can tell everyone it’s our baby. I’ll raise it like it’s my own. I’ll love it like it’s my own, I swear.”
“I can’t do that,” she said. “We were a nightmare together. I can’t bring a baby into that.”
“But you can bring him into a home without a father? Even if I’m not the best man around, I can be there.”
“I have to go. I have things to think about and plans to make. I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
“When you’re thinking, think about me. I am still your husband, as you pointed out. Come home, finish school here. We’ll start a family. Besides, you’d want to be near your family when the baby comes anyway, right?”
“I’ll talk to you later, Sam.”
“Promise?”
“Goodbye.”
She put the phone down and looked over at Mikaela, who gave her a sad look. Then she lay face down on her bed and cried.