Chapter 15
Gabe hadn’t slept well in weeks. He missed Carolyn. Missed her sleeping beside him. Missed holding her close, missed making love to her. Every time he saw her big, round belly, it gave him a hard on. He regretted that he hadn’t made love to her more when she was still home. No way could they do it now, with her being in the hospital and on bed rest. But he thought of her, and it seemed every night he was taking care of things when he got home from being with her.
Several things were keeping him from sleeping. Of course, money. The new shifter league was successful, as people had thought it would be. It seemed most people wanted to see the hard hits from the bigger guys. And the shifter league had fewer rules when it came to things like tackling. They were able to withstand more and healed faster than humans, so less padding, less safety gear was required to keep them safe. The games were often sold out and the stadiums were full. Merchandise had been selling well. New contracts were under way, and it would mean a lot of money for him and most of his teammates, but negotiations took time. Getting paid took time. And in that time, bills were piling up.
He’d never tell her, of course, but they’d really needed her to get a job. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t get hired, and she’d tried so hard. But now, the medical bills were also piling up. He hid that from her, too. But he’d had to borrow more money from his parents and put more things on credit cards than he wanted to. His first few paychecks with his new salary would all go to paying things back.
That was one thing, and that alone was enough to keep him up. But then, there was the missing her. He hadn’t thought much of it when the doctor she’d need to stay until the baby was born. But coming home and not having her there, knowing she wouldn’t be there. Having to cook and eat on his own, having to do the shopping and the cleaning all himself. It made him realize just how much he really did love her and miss her. He spent as much time as he could at the hospital, but it wasn’t the same. She needed to rest a lot and they had already grown bored of every card game and TV show. There was little to do when one of you was stuck in a bed for weeks.
Missing her was bad enough, but what came with the missing was worse. This thought nagged him. If the baby wasn’t his and he ended things with her, then she’d never come back. She’d never be his again. And that thought brought a lot of pain with it. But the other option, the staying with her if the baby was Kenny’s option, gave him such a stomachache, he couldn’t eat. And that was very bad for a pro ball player. He was forcing himself to eat and drink protein shakes, which just made him feel worse. Nothing like eating when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.
He also worried about what he’d do if the baby was his. These were the more expected worries. Would he be a good father? Could he be a good husband and a good father? And how could they even get married if she was still married to Sam? What if he did something wrong with the baby? How would he know what to do when it cried? He wanted to ask questions. Ask his mom or Carolyn, or Google, even. But if he thought too much about how to take care of a baby, the ache in his chest grew. And the doubt. That his research might all be for nothing.
If all that wasn’t enough, he’d started to have dreams again about Austin. Nightmares, really. He kept dying over and over in different ways. And each time, Gabe was too late, or had caused his death in some way. Sometimes, the dreams would mix with his other worries. Austin would be in the car with the baby and they’d drive off a cliff together and he’d lose them both because his arm wasn’t long enough to grab the car before it fell. Or Carolyn would say that Austin was the father, then Kenny would show up and shoot Austin so that he could be with Carolyn. It was a mess in his head, and he was a mess.
If it wasn’t for the team and Coach Tucker, he would have made regular stops at the bar he passed on the way home from the hospital. He wanted a drink so badly. He knew it would numb the pain and make him sleep more soundly. But instead, he’d talked to their medical staff and gotten some sleeping pills. He took them every night. If he didn’t, he didn’t sleep at all. If he took them, he slept fitfully and with nightmares. The only thing that helped was getting his aggression out on the field. Whether during practice or in a game, he pushed himself hard. He didn’t try to hide his disgust for Kenny, and they had some spectacular tackles in practice. Coach had commented once that they looked like they were trying to kill each other. If he only knew.
Justin had been big in keeping the peace. He must still feel responsible. Maybe he partly was. Gabe hadn’t bothered spending the mental energy to be mad at him. But it seemed like he did his best to make sure he and Kenny were never alone together. He asked Gabe all the time how Carolyn was, but he never did it when Kenny was around. And he also asked about his drinking. Gabe suspected that Carolyn had said something to Amanda, who then told Justin. He’d never been concerned with Gabe’s drinking before, but now he was on him about it all the time. It was kind of nice, even if it was annoying. Made him feel like people cared.
He sat up in bed and looked at the calendar. December 10. Two weeks until Christmas. Two weeks until the baby came. Two weeks until he either got the best gift he could have asked for, or the biggest heartache. And just one day until the final championship game.
This game would mean many things. If they won, they’d be the first team to hold the league’s highest trophy. It was like the Super Bowl in the human leagues, though they couldn’t call it that. This was the Bear Bowl. The first of its kind. They were making history no matter what, but he wanted the Grizzlies to win. He wanted to be the first quarterback to play in and win the first ever Bear Bowl. His added aggravation in life, which lead to a more forceful performance on the field, was helping with that. It would also mean, that as quarterback, he’d be the highest paid player in the league. He’d be the biggest star. He could barely wrap his head around that.
He sat down to check his email. He had several interviews to do today. The press were going crazy for this game. Several messages were confirming his interviews, a photo shoot, a press conference. And there was a message from an online company telling him he still had items in his shopping cart. He’d gone nuts one night, putting in all sorts of toys and things for the baby. But when he went to check out, his gut twisted. What if it wasn’t his kid? He wouldn’t want all these items sitting around. He could give them to her anyway, for the baby, but he didn’t want to. And he didn’t want the hassle of having to return everything. So, frozen in indecision, he’d done nothing. And he still could’t decide what to do.
He dreaded every day more. Each day brought him closer to the end, and he couldn’t take the waiting. Couldn’t take the not knowing. He opened the cart and looked at the items in it. A few dresses, a few top and bottom outfits, a bib the said, “My daddy is a beast.” He loved that. And, of course, the tiny Springfield Grizzles jersey. Though, he thought bitterly, the jersey would still apply no matter who the father was. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. Maybe he could just tackle Kenny into next Tuesday so he wouldn’t have to deal with him.
He glanced across the living room at the tiny Christmas tree and small pile of wrapped gifts under it. He’d thought it was pointless to get a tree. Carolyn wasn’t there, and he was hardly ever there since he was always with her or the team. But she’d begged him. So, he’d gone out and gotten one, using Justin’s pickup to take it home, and set it up. They had done a video call on their phones while he decorated it so she could feel like part of it. She had a photo of it as the background on her phone. Under the tree were her gifts. He had bought those and carefully wrapped them. No matter what happened with the baby, he did love her, and he wanted her to have these things. A new sweater, a scarf she’d had her eye on, a beautiful bracelet.
Beside him on the desk was a packet. A large envelope with instructions inside, and a small baggy containing four cotton swabs. Once the baby was born, they would swab his or her mouth, then Carolyn’s, his, and Kenny’s. They’d send off the kit and, a few weeks later, they would know. Then his life would either be just starting, or it would be ending.
Was he prepared for that? As much as he’d thought about it, he couldn’t imagine what would really happen if the baby was Kenny’s. It took a few weeks to get the results. So that meant he’d have to look at this baby, take care of it, not knowing if it was his. Maybe he’d be able to tell. Maybe the kid would look just like him or Kenny. But either way, this kid would be in his life for weeks. Then it might be gone. Forever.
Or he’d spend those weeks not bonding with his own child out of fear. Either way, it was sure to be a messed up way to start the new year. He wished it could go faster. He wished the tests didn’t take so long. And at the same time, he wanted it to last forever. Until he knew for sure, he could pretend. Pretend she was his and the baby was his and they were a happy family.
Today was a rest day before the big game tomorrow. Well, rest as in no workouts. They had plenty to do with the media. Tomorrow was the biggest game of his life. He’d take a nap later, between seeing Carolyn and doing his press circuit, to make up for not sleeping well last night. And he’d take extra sleep medicine and go to bed early so he could get in at least ten hours of sleep tonight. He would need it. He considered drinking, just to be sure he would sleep, but the chances that he’d get drunk and then be hungover tomorrow were too high. Wasn’t worth the risk.
He picked up the book sitting on the coffee table. Carolyn had asked him to bring it. She was going through books like crazy and had read almost everything on her shelf. He also grabbed her thick socks from the bedroom. Apparently, her hospital room got a little chilly at night.
He headed out the door to see her. When he got to her room, she was asleep. Rather than wake her, he sat in the chair beside her bed and watched her for several minutes. She looked so innocent when she slept. Her large belly rose and fell with her breath and he imagined the baby inside, sleeping with her. Her full breasts, straining her nightshirt and sitting just above the blanket, turned him on. He wished he could climb in bed with her right now and slip inside her. He felt his dick harden and looked away with a deep sigh.
He turned on the TV, but this was just enough to wake her.
“Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It wasn’t a real sleep, just a snooze.” She rubbed her eyes and moved herself into more of a seated position. “Have you been here long?”
“Just a few minutes.”
They watched the TV for a minute. Some car commercial.
“You okay?” she asked.
He nodded stiffly. She was getting really good at picking up on his moods. Not convenient when he wanted to hide it.
“You nervous?”
He nodded again. She meant about the game, but he was nervous about so many things. He kept his eyes on the TV.
“Did you get a chance to pick up a gift for your mom?”
He nodded one more time.
“Are you going to talk to me, or just nod all morning?”
He glanced over at her and handed her the book. “I brought this. And your socks.” He took them from his pocket and set them on her leg.
“Thanks.” She paused, then, “What’s wrong, exactly?”
“I’m okay. Nervous.”
“This isn’t just about the game, is it?”
He shook his head.
“Didn’t think so. I’m nervous, too.” She took his hand and laced her fingers between his. “A lot will change in the next few weeks.”
“I know.”
“Good and bad.”
“I know.”
“What are you scared of the most?”
He clenched his jaw. Should he tell her? “Just that something will go wrong.”
She didn’t buy it. “Yeah? That what will go wrong?”
“Look,” he snapped harder than he meant to. “I don’t want to fall in love with a kid that’s not mine, and I don’t want to not love a kid that is. It’s the most confusing and heart wrenching thing I’ve ever had to face.”
“I hate myself for doing this to you, you know. You have other things to worry about. This game is so important.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you hate me for it, too?”
“Only sometimes. Mostly, I love you, though. I hate the situation. I hate not knowing.”
“Me too. I wish I could promise you that I’ll never do anything stupid again, but that’s unrealistic. I know I can promise not to do this particular stupid thing again, but that’s the best I can offer.”
“It’s a start.” He gave her a half smile and relaxed a little. “How are you feeling?”
“Pretty good. But I’m ready to be done. I don’t want to wait another two weeks.”
“Me either.”
“You know what I was thinking about today, though?”
“What?”
Her mouth pulled into a smile. “For good or for bad, in two months, it will all be over. And what’s two months, really?”
“Not that long. Just an eternity or two.”
She laughed. “I hear sleepless nights help the time fly.”
“I’m sure.”
They said nothing for a long while, staring at the TV in between looking at each other. She squeezed his hand, and said, “I love you.”
“Me too.”
It took everything he had to keep driving past the bar that night after he finished the interviews. It had been a long day. He imagined the hot burn of whiskey running down his throat, and the way it would numb his mind and the anxiety in his chest. Instead, he took the sleeping pills and lay down to watch TV. He was on schedule as far as going to bed. But he still had the problem of falling asleep. If these pills didn’t kick in soon, he’d be screwed.
He turned on his back and stared at the Christmas tree. He hadn’t turned off the lights. He watched them blink on and off, counting the pattern. Before he knew it, his eyelids were growing heavy and sleep took him.