Chapter 13

Zoe sat with Ava at one of her favorite local coffee bars in Queen Anne. To her surprise, Gavin’s younger brother worked there. Ava pointed him out.

“Wow. All the Donnigans do look alike. Good thing I’d never met Gavin when I was in my late teens. I’d have been heartbroken that much sooner.” Zoe sipped from her latte and watched the youngest Donnigan working behind the bar, singing to himself while he fixed another macchiato.

“Yeah, they’re all like that,” Ava said. “Wait until you meet Van, their dad. He’s sixty-three, runs four or five miles a day, and looks like Landon’s older brother. He’s so handsome.” Ava winked. “Drives Landon nuts when I tell him he owes his father for being so good-looking.”

They both laughed.

“And Linda’s pretty too. You’ve met Hope?”

“I’ve seen her at the gym. The pretty blond who likes to argue with Landon?” A knockout, but with a more feminine version of the Donnigan good looks.

“Yep. That would be her. She’s the only blond who argues with him. The others usually flirt.” Yet Ava didn’t seem bothered by the fact.

“And you’re okay with them flirting with your fiancé?”

“Heck no.” Ava took another sip of her coffee, as if in thought. “The thing is, with a Donnigan, you know they’re going to attract attention. They all do, without even trying.”

Gavin sure did.

“So you either accept that your guy is going to be popular, and you trust that he cares for you and won’t stray, or you cut him off. Period. End of story.” Ava sipped more caffeine. “I work with people of all kinds who have a variety of problems in their relationships. Cheating can be a big one to overcome. Frankly, I don’t think I could tolerate it. But who knows?” she sighed. “My profession, hearing what I do, makes it more difficult for me to trust in my personal life. But I know Landon. He’s loyal to the bone. They all are. Even the young rooster over there.”

Zoe followed her glance to Theo, now smiling politely over the counter at a girl who’d picked up her drink. The girl acted a lot friendlier than a customer just grabbing her order. After she left, he turned to the girl with frosted-blue hair working next to him and winked, then kissed her.

“That’s Maya, Theo’s girlfriend. He’s been with her for a little over a month. They’re so cute.”

“Huh.” Zoe sipped her coffee and watched them.

“So you think it’s only a matter of time before Gavin breaks your heart?”

Theo was handsome. Like a slenderer version of Gavin, and maybe a little taller, wearing a crew cut that was a bit longer on top. So young. She had a feeling he’d fill out as he grew older.

“What’s that?” She turned back to Ava. “Did I say Gavin will break my heart?”

“You implied it.”

Zoe shrugged. She’d been happy to go out with Ava. Finding a new gal pal was always a challenge. But knowing Ava had Dr. in front of her name put Zoe on edge.

Ava sighed. “This is why I don’t have many friends. I swear, I’m not psychoanalyzing you. We’re just out talking, woman to woman, joined by our common bond to the overpowering Donnigans.”

“Well, when you put it like that…” Zoe held up her cup in a toast. “To us, for being brave.”

“Hear, hear.”

Zoe drained her coffee. “Honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing with Gavin. I met him at a low point in my life.” She found it easy to talk to Ava, who watched with a kind, calm expression. “My twin sister, Aubrey, died four months ago. Freak car accident. It was tough, and I pretty much shut down.” She gave a sad smile. “But Gavin just kept annoying me at the gym. Always bugging me to smile. So annoying.”

Ava grinned. “Yes, they are like that, aren’t they? Tenacious and clingy, like a virus that infects you no matter how much vitamin C you take.”

Zoe laughed, feeling good despite her lingering sorrow. Aubrey would have liked Ava, for sure. “Yeah, a virus. Can I use that?”

“Be my guest.”

“Anyway, I’ve been really focused the past few years. I’m a driven career woman. Aubrey was the artist, the dreamer. The sexual dynamo, to hear her tell it.” Yeah, her sister had loved to brag, hadn’t she?

“She sounds like fun.”

“She was great.” And just like that, the waterworks started. “Shit.”

Ava didn’t freak out at all. The woman chuckled. “You know, I’d be disconcerted if I didn’t have this effect on so many people.” She shoved a packet of tissues at Zoe. “I keep extras in my purse.”

“Go, Ava.”

Theo chose that moment to join them, saw Zoe wiping her eyes, and goggled. “Oh my God. Please tell me the coffee’s okay. It wasn’t the coffee, was it?”

“Relax, Theo. Zoe had something in her eye is all,” Ava explained.

“Yeah, tears,” Zoe muttered, impressed with Ava’s ability to fabricate and relieved she hadn’t made a scene. “So you’re Theo.”

Theo sat and gave her a wide, charming smile. Another heartthrob in the making. “Hel-lo.”

Ava huffed. “Theo, this is Zoe. Gavin’s girlfriend.”

Theo gaped. “This is Zoe? But you’re so pretty.”

Zoe put the tissue down. “I’m sorry?”

He flushed. “I just don’t understand how someone as obnoxious as my brother can get such a hot girlfriend. I mean, he’s got muscles, sure. But doesn’t that attitude rub you the wrong way?”

More like the right way, she thought but would never say, not to Gavin’s brother. Her time with the sexual dynamo last Sunday had been magical. But the guy never stopped. He’d officially worn her out yesterday, giving new meaning to hump day. Still, she’d met him thrust for thrust. Then they’d mutually agreed to give each other a break.

Dinners together, home movie dates, board games; they’d been spending every available waking moment together. Even she knew that couldn’t be healthy.

Theo seemed to be waiting for her answer, so she gave a casual shrug. “I find him tolerable.”

He laughed, a deep boom that didn’t seem to go with his slighter frame. “Well, thanks for getting him out of the house at least.”

Gavin had spent time with her, way into the late hours, but he always went home after. That separation also made it easier to rationalize her time with him. But lately Zoe wanted to wake up in his arms. That she didn’t mind him crowding her precious space alarmed her.

“Can I ask you something?” she said to Theo.

“Sure.”

“Why were you so worried the coffee made me cry? Are you new here? You seem to know people, and you’re doing a great job.”

His smile looked strained. “Thanks. I’ve actually been working here for a while. I kind of left for a little but came back. Maya missed me.” He glanced back at his girlfriend, then sighed. “A few days ago, I got a text message telling me to be careful about what I served at work. A direct threat from your boyfriend.”

“What?”

“It’s escalating.”

“The prank wars.” Ava let out a breath. “I told Landon to put a stop to it. But does he listen to me? No. See, the four of them—”

“No,” Theo shook his head. “Mom and Dad too. You remember Mom’s announcement at dinner.”

“Right. The six of them take turns pulling pranks on each other. At our last family dinner, Linda tricked us into thinking she and Van were having marital problems.”

“Really?” Zoe looked from Ava to Theo.

Both nodded.

“Yes.” Ava chuckled. “Of course it all started back up when I was dating Landon. One of them, though they won’t say who, put a blow-up sex doll in his bed. She looked just like me. It shocked the heck out of him.” She laughed.

So did Theo.

Zoe grinned. “Wish I could have seen that.”

Ava snickered. “He was so embarrassed. And not much gets to him.”

“Don’t tell,” Theo said. “But I did it.”

Ava pointed. “Ha. I knew it was you! I had thought perhaps Hope, but you’re more devious.”

Theo flushed. “Aw, thanks.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell. Keeps him on his toes not to have guessed the culprit yet.” She turned to Zoe. “Landon even blamed me for a while. As if I would stoop so low…and get caught,” she tacked on with a wink.

“So the prank wars are still going on? How long do they last?” Zoe asked, not sure she wanted to be drawn into such a thing, even by distant association.

“Well…” Theo scratched his jaw. “After they gave me a mohawk and dyed my hair orange a couple months ago, I got back at them. Each of them. I saved Gavin for last weekend, when I sicced our cousin on him. Colin is seven. Great kid, but he’s a kid. And I made it so Gavin had to take care of him.”

“Ah. I heard about that.” Zoe smiled. “Apparently Colin is not good with sugary cereals.”

Theo’s evil laugh stirred hers again, Ava’s too. “Yeah. It was classic. Anyway, I think Landon messed with Gavin and the toilet—don’t ask—and for a while Hope had pink hair. Oh, and I think someone messed with Mom’s toothpaste, but she won’t confirm that.

“Now Gavin is getting back at everyone. I’m freaked he’s going to mess with me at work. And then yesterday I woke up by smacking myself in the face with a handful of shaving cream. It’s lame, but it’s still annoying. Plus he took pictures,” he added glumly.

“Well, I haven’t seen them yet. Don’t worry.” Ava patted his shoulder.

“Yeah, well, it’s the ones who wait to get even who are the worst. At least Gavin’s getting me back right away.” He noted the girl behind the cashier waving at him. “Oh, gotta go. Great meeting you, Zoe. Hope you come over and hang before wising up and dumping my brother.” He left before she could respond.

“Scary, huh?” Ava teased. “It’s all immature, yes, but the guys seem to enjoy it. Linda sure did. And I’m sorry to say I might have pulled a prank of my own.” Ava chuckled. “You haven’t met their parents yet, have you?”

“Um, no.” Zoe swallowed. “But Gavin mentioned having dinner with them this weekend.”

“Ah. Best of luck.”

“Wait. That’s it? No tips or tricks to surviving the dinner?”

“No. They’re actually wonderful people. Your problem isn’t Van and Linda. It’s dealing with Gavin.”

“Nice segue.”

Ava grinned. “Thanks. Yes, I always circle back to a point until it’s been covered. And you still never quite answered about your fears of Gavin breaking your heart. But considering your state of mind when you met, that seems normal. Plus anyone entering a new relationship will wonder how to recover when and if it breaks up.” She shrugged. “I still wonder about that with Landon, and we’re engaged.”

“Really? You two seem so in love.”

“We are.” Ava played with her ring, a stunning square-cut emerald set between two sparkling diamonds. “But there’s never a guarantee of a happily ever after in your future. And considering I deal with marriage counseling a lot in my practice, I can’t help but think about it.”

“I’ll bet.” Zoe toyed with her cup. “So can I ask you something, in your professional opinion as a therapist?”

“And as a friend,” Ava added.

“And as a friend.” Zoe liked this woman.

“Please do.”

“Do you think it’s normal to still cry when I think of my sister? I do feel good now. It’s not all doom and gloom for me the way it was when it first happened. Mostly I think I’m over the grief tugging me down. Then I’ll see something that reminds me of her, and it makes me sad. Or I’ll hear a song she hated and want to make fun of it with her. But she’s not there.”

“Totally normal.” Ava leaned forward. “Processing through grief takes time. I’d be more worried if you weren’t dealing with it. In my opinion, tears are therapy. Talking is therapy. Pretending the bad never interferes with the good? That’s not healthy.”

Zoe nodded. “Thanks. I kind of thought that too.” She paused. “Gavin doesn’t talk about his time in the service much. I don’t push him or anything. But that’s part of what drew us together, I think. We both know what it’s like to grieve.”

“He has some issues he’s dealing with,” Ava said carefully.

“I know. He told me about the booze and the women. Of course, anyone hanging out at the gym knows the women part already.”

Ava bit her lip. “Ah, yeah. Gossip does tend to circulate there. But word on the street is he’s got himself a girlfriend.” She winked. “Michelle doesn’t seem to like you very much.”

“Good.”

Ava laughed. “Seriously though, the women in his past wouldn’t worry me. Gavin is a lot of things, but he doesn’t strike me as the unfaithful type. That doesn’t mean you’re not in for some work if you take him on. But you know that.”

“I do. He’s not perfect. Thank God. Because with that body, that face, and all that charm, if he didn’t have issues, he’d be impossible to live with.” Live with. Wasn’t that close to what they were already doing? No, he still slept at home.

But I don’t want him to. I want him to stay with me.

“Oh my gosh. He makes my head hurt sometimes.”

Ava nodded. “Welcome to my world. More coffee?”

“Yes, please. I have to get back to work, and between thinking about him and dealing with a few of our clinic managers, I think a double shot of espresso is in order.”

Ava stood. “Coming right up.”

* * *

Gavin sat in therapy, tapping his knuckles on his thigh while Lee droned on about healthy man-woman relationships. Apparently Gavin’s newfound joy with Zoe had freaked Lee out. Then again, maybe Gavin shouldn’t have mentioned the thought about having kids with her.

Of course, most of his thoughts had revolved around efforts to make said kids. And if a few years down the road, they still happened to be going out, still fucking like rabbits, and she wanted a kid, he’d happily join her in…in wedded matrimony? Being her baby daddy? What?

His phone buzzed. He wasn’t supposed to take calls during a session, but he rarely got them unless it was an emergency. Especially from his family, because they knew and Zoe knew he saw his therapist from three to four on Thursdays.

“Go ahead. Get it.” Lee waved him to answer.

He saw the number, muted the ringer, and put it away. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Are you really? Then what’s that look on your face?”

“What look?”

“You look upset, Gavin. Scared. But there’s nothing here to be scared about. This is a safe zone,” Lee reminded him, then patiently waited.

Gavin rubbed the back of his neck, knowing he needed to share his growing anxiety. Every time the phone rang lately, he worried. He would have put a special ringtone to the number, but then he’d know for sure when she called.

“Gavin. I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”

“It’s Nicole,” he blurted. “Mick’s wife.”

“Mickey? Your friend who died in that blast?”

“Yeah, him.” Gavin rose and paced, his anxiety building. “She’s called a few times. I think she wants to talk.”

“You think? You don’t know?”

He shrugged. “I haven’t listened to the messages.”

“You should.”

Gavin swallowed. “Ah, would you?”

Lee studied him, then sighed and nodded. After listening to all three messages in silence, he handed the phone back to Gavin. “Can you sit down, please?”

“What? What’s she want?” His knee bobbed, and he tried to stop it, but his heart raced like a jackhammer. He swallowed. “Is she okay?” He couldn’t ask about the baby, couldn’t know if Mick had lost more than just his life.

Gavin sat back, feeling like a pussy when his hands started shaking. It was a phone call, for God’s sake.

Lee nodded. “Yes, she’s fine, Gavin. And so is her son.”

A relieved breath gushed out of him, and Gavin leaned forward, his head between his knees. “Thank God.”

“Your friend’s widow, and Luke’s sister, Amanda, want to talk with you.”

Gavin tuned out everything, choosing to focus on them being healthy and hearty.

“For the record, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Not yet,” Lee said.

Gavin blinked up at his therapist’s unexpected advice. “No?”

“Gavin, it’s a stressor you don’t need right now.”

“But I thought you were all about getting closure.”

“I am when the situation calls for it. But we’re still in the stages of getting you to cope with everything. You have plenty of time to heal. There’s no need to rush this.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to gaff them off.”

“So send a text stating you’ll contact them when you can. I’m sure they’ll understand. And if that’s too difficult, which it could rightly be, just ignore the calls. They’ll stop. You have the numbers. When you’re ready to face them, you will.”

His palms sweated. “But then aren’t I denying them some closure?”

“How? They know the status of their deceased loved ones. It’s you I’m worried about. You need to be healthy before you see them. Physically, you’re in amazing shape. But mentally, it’s going to take time. And that’s okay. That’s normal, Gavin,” Lee emphasized. As if Gavin worried about being a looney tune. What he worried about was doing more damage to Nicole and Amanda, and he said so.

“The thing is, Gavin, if you go to see them before you’re comfortable, you might inadvertently hurt them. You might turn erratic. Or you might say things out of guilt that will put them back in a dark place. From those few phone calls, it sounds like they’re moving on. It’s your decision, of course. But I suggest you tuck away that number and let it go. At least for now.”

Gavin thought about it. Thought about how Zoe had lost her twin, how it still hurt her months later, and how she took on the pain and dealt with it. She didn’t need to see a therapist, didn’t avoid problems. How could he be less?

“Um, I’m going to call right now. Just to let her know it’s not a good time for me.” His knee shot up and down. His heart pounded, and sweat poured down his back. “Would you, would you just sit with me through it?” Fuck, but he felt like crying.

This was not supposed to be his life right now. Thirty-two and afraid to call an old friend because he might crack up. What a pathetic waste he’d become. Jesus, how lame could he be?

Lee got up and sat next to him. Then he put a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, which surprisingly steadied him. “Go ahead, Gavin. I’m right here with you.”

Gavin’s eyes watered. This wasn’t who he was. But who he’d become. Because he wasn’t still supposed to be here? His penance for surviving?

Lee said quietly, “It’s okay if you don’t want—”

“No. I got this.” Gavin wiped his stupid face and dialed, then cleared his throat, hoping he didn’t sound like the pitiful shit he was.

After a few rings, he started to think she wouldn’t answer, that he could leave a message. But that wasn’t the case. “Hello?”

Bright-brown eyes and a laughing smile. Always up for a good time, that was Mick’s Nicole. Man, they’d had some great parties when they’d been stateside. Even better ones when back on leave through the years.

“Hello?” she said again.

“Uh, hi, Nicole.” He had to clear this throat again. “It’s Gavin Donnigan.”

“Gavin.” She sounded thrilled to hear from him. “I’m so glad you called. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. A couple of us have, actually.”

His stomach knotted. He envisioned Mick grinning, flipping him off. Luke mouthing something, and John making fun of him. The guys, friends since high school. Now gone forever. “Yeah, about that.” He coughed. Wiped his eyes. Prayed he sounded cheerful. “I’m kind of busy lately. Got some stuff to take care of.” Like my fucked-up brain. “I want to talk to you… It’s just… It might be a while.”

“Oh.” She paused, and her voice gentled. “Gavin, that’s perfectly fine. Whenever you get done with what you’re working on, we’ll be here. You have my number.”

“Yeah, okay. Sure. Bye.”

He hung up, not able to wait on her answer. Then he stood, thanked Lee, and said, “Need the restroom for a minute.” He calmly walked from the room and found the bathroom unoccupied. After locking the door behind him, he braced himself on the sink and stared at his ugly face in the mirror, heard Nicole’s voice, so happy to hear from him.

He turned, got to his knees, and threw up into the toilet. The rush eased him, so that now he felt sick instead of anxious. Oddly enough, he felt better, as if he’d rid himself of all the shitty emotion that never quite left him anymore. An image of Zoe’s concerned face filled his mind’s eye, and he threw up all over again, dry heaves because he had nothing left.

God. What had he been thinking? She deserved so much better than him.

When he walked back into Lee’s office, ready to grab the phone he’d left behind and leave, he found Lee waiting for him on the couch. “Come on, Gavin. Let’s talk.”

“My time is up, I think.”

Lee smiled. So much understanding in that gaze that Gavin looked away, ashamed. “Nah. My four thirty canceled. It’s just you and me for a bit longer. Just us talking, off the books. No charge. Okay?”

Gavin shrugged. “I guess.”

When he left an hour later, he felt drained but cleansed, ready to get back to pretending to have a life, at least. Lee had talked some sense into him. And now that he’d actually talked to Nicole, she wouldn’t call him again. So one good thing had happened today at least.

He went home, changed into exercise clothes, then went on a ten-mile run. Because he had to. He called in sick for work, in no condition to socialize. He texted Zoe the same excuse as a reason not to talk to her until Saturday, then used the crappy weight bench in the garage because going to the gym was out.

He pumped iron until his arms felt limp. Exhausted and past the point of any hint of anxiety, he took a quick shower, then went upstairs to Landon’s bed. Landon would be sleeping over at Ava’s. And tonight, Gavin didn’t want to deal with Theo. He just wanted to be left alone.

Tucking into Landon’s freshly laundered sheets, he lay there, ignoring the still-bright evening and remembered the last time he’d laughed with Mick and the guys…and felt unwelcome tears pour down his cheeks.

* * *

Hope snuck into her brother’s home with a furtiveness she’d developed in her adolescent years and perfected in her late teens. She stopped still, heard nothing, and continued to look around, making sure the coast was clear. With Landon firmly ensconced at Ava’s and Theo taken care of by Maya—great girl—that left only Gavin.

Rumor had it he was staying over at Zoe’s most nights, though Hope hadn’t been able to get through to the woman she had yet to meet. But Gavin should have been working at the gym ’til closing anyway, so she should be good to trick out the house. She tiptoed around the downstairs, heard nothing, and made magic. Some horseradish in the mayonnaise. Hot peppers in the ketchup. Replacing Theo’s underwear with Colin-size drawers. Okay, that one she could credit Mike’s boy with.

Man, talk about devious. He’d even planned Theo’s downfall using Liam’s—his new grandpa’s—phone, so as not to be traced. As if anyone would trace a seven-year-old. She grinned. Apparently the McCauleys had been suffering from the prank wars as well, with no idea who to blame. Someone had been messing with her cousin Cameron’s things. Since she worked for Cam, she had eyes and ears on all her cousins.

Gosh, the things little Colin had been doing made her so proud. Where did that kid get his ideas?

She laughed to herself as she did nothing to Gavin’s side of the room, because the anticipation would be its own form of punishment. She’d think of something worse to do to him later. Then she started up the stairs to Landon’s room.

She heard something and froze. Then nothing. Moving all the way up and turning to his door, she found it closed. Oh God. Please don’t tell me he’s sexing up Ava. Wouldn’t he do that in the privacy of her place though, and not at home where his brothers could hear?

A soft moan. Not one of pleasure, but of pain.

She quietly twisted the nob and peeked her head in. The sun had finally set, and only faint moonlight came through the open blinds of the window. On the bed, Gavin lay on his side, his back to her, covered to his waist.

“Gavin?” she whispered, concerned. Sleeping in Landon’s room? That was weird.

Then she goose-stepped around the bed to see more than his broad back. The sight of his tear-stained face in sleep made her own eyes water. Poor Gavin. He teased and joked, but her brother had some serious hurt buried inside.

He moaned again, tears tracking down his face, and curled into himself.

She wanted to help him, to make the bad go away, but she knew better than to touch him right now. Landon had warned her and Theo to leave Gavin alone when he was resting. They never knew if touching him when he was out would startle him to waking violently or not. Not that he’d ever intend to hurt them or that he’d been aggressive at all with family.

“It’s okay, Gavin,” she whispered instead. “We love you. It’s okay,” she repeated, several times.

Sometime later, he blinked his eyes open, though he didn’t seem fully awake, and looked at her. “Hope?”

“Shh. Go back to sleep. This is a dream. I’m not messing with Landon’s stuff.”

He gave a tired smile and closed his eyes. She wiped her tears away. But this time she felt safe to move in close and sit on the bed with him, stroking his hair. “I love you, Gavin. And I always will.”