Chapter 17

Zoe didn’t know what was going on with Gavin. He hadn’t said anything about her two I love you’s so she hadn’t asked. And that was uncharacteristic of her. She knew that, but she also knew Gavin needed to be handled differently. He’d grown more skittish, sometimes lost in thought, and startled easily. But he didn’t suffer nightmares, so she had a feeling his preoccupation had to do with something else. Her? His job? That weird get-together he’d had with Mark this morning?

Since Gavin was currently at his counseling session, she couldn’t ask him about it. Mark had been closemouthed about their time, only saying that Gavin was indeed a natural athlete. And if the bastard practiced much more, he might actually beat Mark—an impossible feat.

She grinned at the thought, then sobered. She couldn’t keep ignoring the big, fat loving elephant in the room. She’d said I love you. He had not, and now he spent each night making love to her until she could barely breathe.

Granted, she had no complaints about being screwed silly six ways from Sunday, but at some point they would need to talk before his dick fell off.

Gavin texted her that he planned on staying at his home alone this evening, needing to think through some things Lee had told him.

No problem, she texted back, wishing he would share more but understanding he needed his space to work things out. Dealing with Aubrey’s loss got easier as time passed, but Zoe still missed her twin. Gavin, on the other hand, had seen some horrible things and was dealing with a lot more than just death. She never wanted to be someone who’d stand in the way of another getting well. The fact that Gavin sometimes seemed withdrawn or quiet about his therapy told her he felt some sense of shame about it. Oh, he joked and acted as if outing himself as the “family screwup” was no big deal. But she knew better.

She called Ava and asked about getting together tonight for some wine and received an invitation to join Ava and Landon at Ava’s place. Zoe arrived two hours later after stopping by the store for a plate of cheese and crackers. Following the directions, she walked past the unlocked iron gate and entered the covered condo hallway, then walked down the stairs to Unit 2B. She’d barely knocked before Landon answered, grabbed the food from her hands, and pointed her to the shoe mat. “Shoes. Coat goes in there.” He nodded to the closet, then walked away with the tray, already prying it open.

Ava stood in the living room with her hands on her hips, her hair pinned up in a loose bun, glasses on her face, looking very doctor-like, even in loose cotton pants and a sweatshirt. She huffed. “Great hospitality, Landon. Good Lord. No wonder no one ever invites us over.”

He shrugged and shoved a large square of cheese in his mouth. “Meh. She’s family. She doesn’t care. Besides, I’m starved. You wouldn’t let me eat any of our dinner, and she tempted me with cheese. I blame both of you,” he said with his mouth full and disappeared into another room.

“Come in, Zoe. Sorry about that.” Ava waved in his direction.

Zoe laughed. “No problem. You really do have to feed them, Ava. Or you chance them going rabid.”

“Seriously.” Ava laughed and removed her glasses. She set them on the table behind the couch and motioned Zoe in. “This is the place. Living room here. In there’s the tiny galley kitchen.” She pointed to the doorway where Landon had disappeared. As Zoe neared, she saw the main area had an L shape. The living room bent into an open dining area with a large pass-through, making the kitchen visible. But what struck Zoe was the lovely view of the park and Lake Union past the wall of windows behind Ava.

“Wow. That’s so pretty.”

“Yeah. The condo isn’t that big, so we’ll eventually need to move. But we have kind of a flipped unit. The living area and kitchen are here, and downstairs we have a bedroom, study/spare room, and two bathrooms. Oh, and if you need it, the upstairs bathroom is over there.” She pointed to a small powder room behind Zoe.

“This place is beautiful.”

“We like it.” Landon came out of the kitchen holding a glass of wine for her. “Sorry. Low blood sugar. Gavin’s like this too, so if he’s acting like a jerk, feed him.” He grinned at Ava. “Or give him lots of sex. That helps too.”

“Landon.” Ava sounded scandalized.

“Easy, Doc. I’m kidding.” He leaned closer to Zoe, winked, and whispered, “I’m really not.”

She chuckled. “Thanks, Landon. For the wine, not the advice.”

“Whatever. I tried to help.”

Ava yanked him out of her way. “Put on some music, would you? And Zoe, sit down.”

“I just came for wine and company. You didn’t have to go all out.”

“I made a late dinner, and I’ve been wanting to have you over for a while. Two birds, one stone. Have you eaten?”

“Late night for me too.” She sipped the wine, a crisp white, and sat at the dining table. Landon put the tray of goodies, now accompanied by olives and some more crackers, in the center of the table and joined her with a beer. “Gavin is staying at his place tonight, processing his therapy,” she blurted. “I’m worried about him.”

“We all are,” Landon said quietly. “Lee’s been good for him, though. Christ, you should have seen Gavin when he first got back. He was a hot mess.”

“Landon.” Ava joined them at the table. “He’s not wrong about Lee, though. I told Gavin about him, in hopes Gavin would see him. He’s been going weekly for a while, but you know that.”

She nodded. “Gavin told me.”

“Lee’s been a real help. Not that Lee told me; it’s just what I’ve seen from Gavin. He’s more open, clear, and he seems a lot more in control.”

“His nightmares aren’t so bad either,” Landon said. He stared at Zoe.

She didn’t want to tell his secrets, but Landon and Ava loved him. She wanted their help to better understand. “He’s had one with me. Just one. And he’s never been violent. He just seems sad.”

Landon sighed. “Yeah. Poor little brother. He ever tell you what he saw over there?”

“No. And I didn’t ask.”

“Good,” Ava said. “He’s not ready to share that. He might never be ready. And that’s okay. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care enough to share, but that he shouldn’t dredge up that kind of trauma.”

“But he doesn’t share anything about his feelings either. I mean, I know if he’s happy and laughing. He’s fun to be around, and he’s always in a good mood. Unless he’s quiet. We rarely argue.”

“He’s always been like that though,” Landon mused. “Even before the Marine Corps, Gavin wasn’t the type to fight a lot. He’s sneaky and jokey, always laughing. When he gets really mad, he’s super quiet.”

“I don’t think he’s been mad at me. Confused, maybe. Quiet, like he’s not sure what to do.”

“Oh?” Ava leaned forward.

Zoe glanced at Landon. She really didn’t want to confess what she’d said to Gavin in front of his brother. To Ava, a girlfriend, sure.

“Hell no. I’m not going anywhere if we’re talking about Gavin. I’ve stayed out of his business for way longer than I planned, because the doc here”—he pointed to Ava—“told me to butt out. But I’m worried too, damn it. Zoe, what the hell is going on with him? He seems so much better, almost normal. But he’s also more withdrawn, and I’m a little freaked. I’ve caught him at the gym a few times this week just staring at nothing.”

Zoe tilted her head back, praying for strength. She stared at Landon, then Ava. “You have to promise not to tell anyone. Not anyone. Gavin already knows, and that’s who needs to know.”

“Fine, fine.” Landon said. Ava nodded.

“Well.” Zoe swallowed a mouthful of wine. “Last weekend we went to a work party. He came with me, all dressed up. And wow, he was so handsome. So sweet to come there as my date.”

“Oh, I’d love to see him in a suit.”

“Ava,” Landon growled.

“Sorry. Go on.” Her eyes sparkled.

Zoe smiled. She wanted that, what Landon and Ava shared, with Gavin. “Well, he was just so great. And I’ve been feeling close to him for a while now. It just popped out. We had a moment alone, and then…I said it.”

“Oh.” Ava sighed.

“What? Said what?” Landon looked baffled.

“For someone so smart, you can be so dense.” Ava rolled her eyes. “She told him she loves him, bonehead.”

“Oh. Oh.” He gave a wide smile. “Nice.”

“I didn’t give him time to say it back. It just kind of popped out. But after that, we haven’t talked about it. I said it once more. Not to make him say it back, but because I feel it.” She sighed. “I really love him. I don’t want to stress him out or anything. But I think I did. Because he’s been quieter since.”

“So how did he respond?” Landon asked. “He just ignored you telling him that? Yeah, that can hurt.” He glared at Ava.

“Please. I did not ignore you. I broke up with you, but you refused to accept it.” Ava sniffed. “I apologized later.”

“True.” He grinned, then turned back to Zoe with a straight face. “Zoe, Gavin is really into you. Big time. I know my brother, and he’s never, ever been so into a chick before. But he’s—”

“Messed up.” Zoe tapped her temple. “I know. He told me. I don’t care. We’re all messed up.”

“Well, I was going to say ‘traumatized by what he saw and did overseas,’ but ‘messed up’ works.” Landon nodded. “I wasn’t privy to the missions he went on. But I heard about some of them. And I have to say, Little Brother was a badass. He did some serious shit over there. Specialized shit, where people died and small regimes disappeared before they could become bigger problems.

“Did you know he was healing from a punctured lung when his friends got blown up? Yeah, some dumb luck all four of them happened to be back in the same province, assigned to the same unit after being separated for a few years. Gavin’s all stoked to see his best buds, and then he’s on a mission where he gets hit. The guys razzed him about it, he told me. Then they left him, and he never saw them again.”

Landon coughed, cleared his throat, and continued. Ava put a hand over his, and he squeezed it. “I don’t know what Gavin goes through, but I know how hard it was for me to lose Marines I was responsible for. You feel this huge weight, like how come they died and not me? Like survivor’s guilt. Then you think, Shit. I didn’t protect them. And it’s just as bad. More guilt.”

“Landon’s got issues, but his are nowhere near what Gavin suffered,” Ava said softly. “Suffers, probably. Lee is helping him, but I don’t know that Gavin’s ever going to be what he was before he left.”

“He shouldn’t be,” Zoe said. “Life changes all of us.”

“Yeah.” Landon gave a wan smile. “Exactly. Don’t give up on Gavin, Zoe. He’s gotten so much better. He’s good with you.”

“But you can’t stay with him out of fear he’ll get worse if you leave,” Ava said bluntly. “Gavin’s mind and moods are Gavin’s to deal with, not yours, Zoe.”

“I know that.”

“Good. Sorry. It’s my therapist coming out,” she admitted with a wry smile. “I see too many spouses or partners of military men and women who take on too much. And that hurts everyone.”

“Do you think I’m hurting him by being too emotional or something?” Had her loving him hurt him?

“No. Not at all. You’re the one constant in Gavin’s life that’s turned him from being uneven to stable.”

Landon nodded. “He might act like a goof, but he’s pure to the bone, deep down. He’d do anything for the people he cares about.”

She sniffed. “I know. That’s part of why I love him so much. I want to help, but I know he has to help himself. I just don’t want to be another responsibility. He should want to be with me.”

“He does.” Landon nodded and patted her shoulder. “Seriously. He’s so gone over you. He smiles all the time. Well, when he’s not being a moody bastard. Give him space, and he’ll be good to go in no time.”

“And if he isn’t,” Ava added, being the voice of reason, “it’s not because of anything you did, but because Gavin can’t be there in here.” Ava tapped her head. “Now how about we talk about something else, because I am not having Zoe cry on me twice within two weeks.”

“Huh?”

Zoe laughed and accepted the tissue Landon pulled from a nearby box for her. “How about we talk about a mutual hottie we both know and love?”

“Zoe, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with you calling me that in front of my intended,” Landon said.

“I meant Elliot Liberato. That hottie.”

Ava straightened, her smile bright. “Oh, you met Elliot?” The oven timer dinged. “Landon, get that. So how did you meet my cousin?”

Zoe told them about him messing with Mac, and they all had a laugh. A shared meal and stories about Ava’s funny cousins and Zoe’s funnier twin added an intimacy to the evening. One Zoe had been missing.

She only hoped she’d get to share more times like these with Gavin.

* * *

Gavin had sat through Lee’s therapy. He’d asked Lee a bazillion questions, speaking in terms of Zoe and Zoe’s loss as if it were his own. Though Lee hadn’t thought Gavin ready to face his friends’ loved ones, it had obviously helped that Gavin had talked about them with Zoe.

Except he hadn’t. And he also hadn’t been so chatty about his past. Unlike Zoe, Gavin had buried his feelings like a scared jackass.

But he couldn’t go to Zoe half a man. No longer could he ignore that broken part of himself. So he would confront his fears, as Zoe had. He’d arranged to meet the ladies on their turf.

Nicole had invited him to meet with her and Amanda, Luke’s sister. Nancy, John’s mother, hadn’t been able to come, too busy looking after Jane, her granddaughter and John’s daughter.

Gavin had dressed in jeans and a nice shirt, along with a sport coat. He wanted to look nice for his friends’ families. And he promised himself to be normal with them, to give them the closure they—and he—needed.

Nicole answered the door right away. She looked thinner and more tired than she used to. But joy glowed in her big, brown eyes when she saw him. “Gavin!” She hugged the breath out of him, and he thought today might not be so bad after all.

He followed her inside and saw Amanda, looking so damn pretty, so much older, and so like Luke.

He blinked, forced himself to man up, and said, “Well, well. Look who’s all grown up.”

“Dummy.” She wiped her eyes and blew her nose into the tissue she’d been holding. A big box of them sat on the coffee table. Good thinking. “I just saw you two years ago, and I was already this grown-up and gorgeous.”

“Obviously.” He smiled, loving her attitude. Still the same Amanda. “And what’s this? A ring?”

She smiled, showing off her engagement ring and bringing him up to date on her life. She worked as an executive at a finance place—Amanda had always been a brain—and had found the love of her life. He mentioned the gym, what he’d been up to, but he couldn’t bring himself to discuss Zoe. He needed to keep her separate, because he knew if he started talking about her, he’d fuck up everything he’d set out to accomplish today.

Nicole joined them and set down a platter of coffee and cups.

“Damn, Nic. I could have gotten those.” He frowned.

She gave him a beatific smile. “I missed you, Gavin. So bossy all the time. And it used to drive Mick nuts when you called me Nic, because he always thought you were talking to him.”

“Mick and Nic. Yeah, I know.” He chuckled, feeling a stab go right through his heart. Mick and Nic, sides of the same coin, they used to say. He saw the sadness in her eyes, but she muddled through and gave him a watery smile. “Good call on all the tissues.”

She laughed and blew her nose.

“You still sound like a goose when you do that.”

“Still a charmer,” Amanda teased, laughing and wiping away more tears.

“What about you, Nic? What have you been up to?” He hadn’t seen her kid. Wasn’t sure he could handle it, honestly.

“I’ve been super busy wrangling a toddler.” She made a face. “I was three months along when…well, when Mick left us. I had him last August, you know. He’ll be one in a two months.” She smiled. “He’s just like Mick. Eats a lot, throws tantrums, a real momma’s boy.” She wiped the tears on her cheeks. “Sorry. I’m not this weepy usually. It’s just seeing you brings it all back.”

“Yeah.” He nodded, his voice gruff. He blinked a lot, trying not to cry.

“Oh please.” Amanda shoved a tissue at his face. “It’s manly to cry, dipshit.”

He chuckled and wiped his eyes. “Jesus. Does your fiancée know what a hard-ass you are?”

“No, and don’t you tell him either.” She glanced at Nicole. “I—”

“So tell us about yourself, Gavin,” Nic interrupted. “Anyone special in your life?”

“What about you?” He ignored her question. “Amanda’s got a new man. How about you?”

She blushed. “No. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Bullshit.”

Both women looked taken aback by his outburst.

“What?” Nic leaned back.

“Mick, Luke, and I all knew the risks over there. We’d smoke and joke, but we all knew the score. Whoever made it back had to tell you ladies to move on.” He cleared his throat, knowing it shouldn’t have been him giving the rah-rah speech. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner, and that I missed the birth.” He felt like shit. “I-I was in a bad way, and I didn’t want you guys to see that. It was ugly. I was a huge ass, more than I usually am.” He tried to joke, but it fell flat.

“Oh, Gavin.” Nicole touched his shoulder, and it burned through the jacket.

“Gavin, no,” Amanda said.

He glanced around, finally seeing pictures of Nic and her baby, of Mick, of all the guys standing arm in arm around a keg. On a holiday, one where Amanda had shown up with a few giggly teenage girlfriends. Nic and her mom and dad with the baby, all smiling. But he could see the grief she carried, a weight around her neck he couldn’t make go away.

“Yeah. So you two need to cut that sad shit out right now. Amanda at least has a brain. Shocking but true.”

She smiled. “Gavin, not nice.”

“But Nic, you’re stupid if you hide away. You’re beautiful, smart, and you made a great kid.” He nodded to the mantel and all the pictures there. “Mick would expect you to go get laid at least.”

She blushed. Amanda laughed through tears.

“Well, he would. Always said you were insatiable.”

“That’s not true.”

“No, he said nympho, but we all knew what he meant.”

Nic smiled, and her joy made him hurt all the worse, because she should have been having a conversation with her husband, not his sorry ass. “Funny.”

“I mean it though. The part about you going out and finding someone to love. You’re so special, you and Amanda and Jane.” John’s baby girl, now four or five, if he recalled. “You’re the best of them,” he said, his voice breaking. He stood and paced. Gotta keep it together, man. Stop. Now they’re crying harder. “Sorry.”

“Oh, Gavin. I miss him so much.” Nic went to hug him, and he threatened to break into tiny pieces. Then Amanda hugged him too, all three of them locked in a crying, snotty embrace.

“If you wipe your nose on my shirt, I’ll slug you,” Amanda said, breaking the mood.

Thank God.

He chuckled and went to grab the tissues, passing them around.

“Okay, Gavin. I’ll go out and get laid right away,” Nic said and hiccupped, now smiling through her tears.

“Good. You do that.”

“You volunteering?”

He must have looked as horrified as he felt, because both ladies started laughing hysterically.

“Oh my God, your face,” Amanda said.

“Shut up.” This time he did wipe his nose on a sleeve—his own.

“I was kidding, Gavin. Ew. That would be like sleeping with my brother.” Nic made a face. “But maybe you should take some of our own advice. Find a nice girl.” She narrowed her eyes. “Or have you?”

He felt his cheeks heat. “There’s someone special. I like her a lot, but, well…” He shrugged. “She can do a lot better than me.”

Amanda frowned. “Is this where we’re supposed to chime in and list all your good qualities?”

“Hell no.”

“Because no one as handsome, strong, kind, and funny as you should ever have a girlfriend,” Nic teased.

“Yeah, those fine manners and that protective streak that any woman would kill to have are so yesterday,” Amanda said.

“Stop.” He wiped a hand over his mouth.

“And those gray eyes, that firm chin, that—”

A baby’s cry saved him.

“Thank God.”

Nic and Amanda snickered while Nic went to grab her baby.

“Seriously, Gavin. Let yourself find happiness.” Amanda socked him in the arm. “Because if I can get over my brother—the last member of my family standing—being gone, then you can too. How’s hunky Landon, by the way?”

He told her about his brother and Ava, about Hope and Theo. She laughed at Theo’s orange mohawk.

He glanced around. “What is taking her so damn long?” He was itching to leave, because he felt drained. As much as he loved seeing his friends’ family looking happy and living life, he needed to decompress from the tightness in his chest.

“Here I am. Had to settle him down.” She came out carrying a little blond boy. “This is little Mick. I call him Mikey.”

“Oh man. He’s so cute.” Mick, dude, your kid is incredible.

The boy saw Gavin and stilled. Big, brown eyes looked him over, and Mikey reached out a hand.

Gavin gave him a finger to grab onto. “Strong grip.”

“Like his daddy.”

Gavin swallowed the lump in his throat. “So he’ll be one in August?”

“Yep. August twenty-eighth.”

Mikey reached both arms toward Gavin. The boy let out a garbled command Gavin didn’t understand. But he knew what that reach meant.

“Go on.” She held the boy over.

Gavin took him, felt the unfamiliar weight of a child, and stared at the boy in wonder.

“Gavin, meet Michael Gavin Lucas Duncan. I also managed to finagle a John onto his birth certificate, but it’s a little wordy to fit in there.” Nic smiled.

Shocked, he felt tiny hands on his cheeks, then his nose and hair. The boy wanted down, and Gavin followed the little guy’s orders without thought.

Then Nic hit him with another emotional two-by-four. “Gavin, can you… Can you tell us if it’s true how they died?”

“What?”

“The Marine Corps told us the men were in a routine convoy when they ran over land mines. That it was all over in an instant. No one suffered. That’s true, isn’t it? It wasn’t friendly fire or a cover-up, and they weren’t in agony when they died?”

“Fuck, Nic.” She was crying again. Amanda was wiping her cheeks too. “You know I wasn’t with them. I was in the medical bay—more like a tent. I was there for two weeks before it happened. Took another four before I could go back to active duty. And even then it was limited.” He took a deep breath, then let it out. “But I investigated the hell out of that incident. Talked to the few guys at the back of the convoy who survived. The roads should have been cleared. They still think we got faulty intel, that the insurgents talked to someone inside the camp and knew where we’d be heading eventually. If not Mick and the guys, then it would have happened to another convoy a day later.” He rubbed his eyes. “Such fucking bad luck. But they went instantly. No suffering, no pain.”

A flat-out lie, because they’d worked on John for hours but couldn’t save him. Mick had been thrown from the wreck and broken his neck, his body on fire. Luke immolated. No chance of saving him.

And all while Dumbass Donnigan lay on a stupid hospital cot, hearing the terrible news as it came in, and knowing he’d never see his friends for that promised poker game or their next shared liberty together. It had been the worst night of his life, up there with the first time he’d had to kill.

“I’m glad,” Nic said.

“Me too. Thanks, Gavin.” Amanda nodded.

“I know this wasn’t easy,” Nic continued. “And it might be too much to ask, but we’d like to see you every now and then. We love you, Gavin. We miss you. I know the guys are gone. We miss them too.”

“Even Luke,” Amanda teased. “Now who’s going to walk me down the aisle?” She paused. “I was planning to invite you to the wedding, if that’s okay.”

Oh fuck.

Nic grabbed his arm before he could flee. “But if you can’t, it’s okay,” she said, as much to him as Amanda, it seemed. “We love you, Gavin. Whether we ever see you again or not, you’ll always be a part of us.”

“Yeah.” Amanda nodded. “We love you. And we’re so glad you’re okay. With you and us around, the gang is always here with us. You know?”

“I do.” He was suffocating. “I, um, I need to go.”

“Sure.” Nic walked him to the door and tugged him into a hug before he left. “Be happy, Gavin. Have a good life. You deserve it.”

He nodded and left, knowing he’d never heard anything more untrue.