Chapter 18

Zoe didn’t know what to think. She’d gotten a text from Gavin saying he’d see her in a few days, that he had more to work out. Then nothing.

A call to Ava yielded a similar answer. Gavin hadn’t been at the gym either. Everyone wanted to know where he was, but no one had an answer other than the old not-feeling-well excuse he’d given Mac.

Zoe worried about him, but she’d also grown angry. She had no idea what bothered him because he didn’t talk to her. She could understand posttraumatic stress issues. The survivor’s guilt Landon had mentioned. She appreciated that Gavin had sought treatment for his problems.

But no communication with someone you loved didn’t make sense. Would this be the way of their relationship? Gavin had issues, so he’d disappear for days in a cone of silence, and Zoe would just need to deal?

So by Tuesday night, after four days of not one phone call, text, or message from Gavin, she’d gone from worried to nervous to angry. And still in love with the jerk.

A knock at her door surprised her. Had Gavin come to beg forgiveness after all?

Her heart thundered as she went to the door, glad she hadn’t undressed for bed yet. If Gavin thought they could take up their sexual play without talking this time, he’d be in for a rude surprise.

But the Gavin standing outside her door didn’t have sex on his mind. He had a hollow-eyed, gaunt look, and his expression made her want to cry. He cleared his throat. “Hi, Zoe. Can I come in?”

She stood back and let him enter, then automatically locked the door behind him. “Hi.”

He stood with his hands in his pockets, so unsure, so…lost.

“Do you want something to drink?” she asked.

“Water would be good.”

She grabbed some water and handed it to him. He took the glass, but then he put it on the counter and pulled her in for a hug.

The desperation in the gesture allowed her to swallow her anger. Instead she only wanted to alleviate his hurt. He held on tight, and to her horror, she felt her shoulder grow damp. From his tears?

She pulled back. “Gavin? Are you okay?”

Watery gray eyes blinked at her. “I’ve been better.”

“Sit down.” She took his hand in hers and sat with him. “Now what the hell is going on?”

He gave a short laugh, but there was no mirth in it. “God, where to start?”

He sat staring at her, studying her features with an almost hopeless, hungry look. As if she was all he ever wanted but could never have.

“Talk to me. Is this because I said ‘I love you’?” She hadn’t meant to ask that so soon. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you.”

“But you did. And I’m glad.” He held her hand in his. “Zoe, I…” His eyes grew damp again. “Do you have any tissues?”

She hurried to grab a box and handed them to him.

“Thanks.” He blew his nose. “Been doing this a lot lately. Crying. I fucking hate it.”

“Oh, Gavin.”

“Don’t be nice to me,” he warned.

“I won’t.” He was breaking her heart, looking so sad and trying to be so strong. She blinked back her own tears. “So talk. What the hell happened, and where have you been?” And is this where you break up with me? God, please, no. Not when I’ve finally found you.

“A week ago, in a dark conference room in that snazzy hotel at your office party, you told me you loved me.”

“I do.”

“But you don’t know me. The real me.” He tapped his heart, looking so sad. “Zoe, you brought me back to life. You make me smile. Make me happy.” He sighed. “I wanted to be the guy that does the same for you.”

“So be that guy.”

“I thought if I could put the past behind me, could move on, I could give you what you need. But I’m such a fuckup. I don’t think I can.”

Panicked as well as concerned, she just listened.

“I talked to Lee a lot. He thought I wasn’t ready to confront the past. That I should learn to cope with it and deal with stress instead. But you didn’t. You went straight at your pain head on. You’re sad when you talk about Aubrey, but you don’t sweep away the hurt.” He grew more animated. “You love her; you miss her. You own that pain.”

“Yes.”

“You still miss her right now, but it’s an honest emotion. It’s real.”

Where was he going with this? And why did he worry her?

“When my friends died, when they got blown up because their convoy took the right trail instead of the left, it was awful. They didn’t survive. They were good guys, friends I’d grown up with. Guys I’d spent years in the Corps with. Some I’d even fought back-to-back with through the shit.” Tears streamed down his cheeks, but she didn’t think he noticed them anymore. He was looking at her, but not seeing her.

“And I was in a med unit. Because I’d been shot on a mission. So they all died, but I survived. But why me? They weren’t out doing anything wrong. They weren’t crushing the people. Weren’t demolishing governments or stealing natural resources. They tried to protect, to do good.”

He hung his head in his hands.

She tried to touch his knee, but he pulled away and stood.

“Gavin, I’m so sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you, Zoe. I knew that when we started, but I thought… I’d hoped maybe I did. So I tried to deal with the past. I went to therapy. I saw Nicole and Amanda, the families left behind when Mick, Luke, and John died.”

Oh boy. “What happened?” she asked gently.

“They were happy to see me.” He looked puzzled. “Just laughing and crying and pleased that I was there. But I never should have been there. I did bad things, things a good man won’t do. I killed people, Zoe,” he whispered. “I was the best fucking sniper and special teams guy they had. I did my job. I struck first before the enemy could.” His tears came in earnest. “But Mick and the guys, they protected. They helped. They saved lives. And they died. So why did I come home? Why do I get to fall in love with the pretty girl? Why do I get a chance at a future when they’re in the ground?”

She wanted to comfort him, but he needed to get this out, a festering wound that would never heal until he did. Or so she hoped. She wanted like hell to get Ava over here, so that Zoe wouldn’t do or say the wrong thing.

Then Gavin broke down, just lost all strength and sagged to his knees, his head in his hands. He sobbed. Huge tears that left a gaping hole in her heart. “I don’t know. God, I don’t know.”

She hurried to him and took him in her arms, wishing him all the healing and love she could muster while she rocked him. “It’s okay, Gavin. I love you. You’re so worth it, baby. So worth it.”

He cried for the longest time, and she held him, easing him down so that his face sat on her lap and she stroked his hair. When he ceased, shivering, so still, she eased out from under him after replacing her leg with a pillow.

“Just wait here. I’m going to get a blanket, okay?”

He didn’t say anything, which concerned her even more.

She hurried to get a blanket and raced back, not wanting him to leave. Then, with an eye on him, she grabbed her phone and sent a text to Ava, asking her to come immediately, and to bring Landon as well.

Returning to Gavin, she put the blanket over him, then lay down with him and stroked his hair again. He’d closed his eyes, and she thought him asleep.

“I’m sorry.”

She started and moved her hands to his shoulders, petting him, offering comfort through touch, even through the blanket. “It’s okay.”

“I didn’t talk to you. I couldn’t.” He let out a watery breath, then opened his eyes. So tormented, so full of pain. “When Nic and Amanda asked if I had anyone, I couldn’t say. I couldn’t talk about you. Because when I did, I knew I was wrong. That I shouldn’t have you.” His eyes filled again. “But fuck it, I want you. I want to be happy. And I know I shouldn’t. I’m so weak. I should let you go. Should just let it all go.”

“Gavin—”

“But I can’t. The guys would kill me if I offed myself. Biggest pussy move there is.”

Thank God.

“But I don’t know how to be happy. Every time I think I can be, I remember what I am.”

“And what’s that?”

He didn’t answer at first. “Some of them didn’t get a fair fight. I cheated. I took them out. And then I survived. Why did I survive?” He closed his eyes. “Jane is only a kid. Nic’s baby isn’t even one yet. Amanda has no one to w-walk her down the aisle.”

She felt so awful for him. No way to help him through this. She had nothing but the truth.

“You listen to me, Gavin Donnigan. I don’t know about all that stuff you did. I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. I know you.

“The man who makes me laugh. Made me smile when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and die. You’re not the only who feels guilty. I used to think it should have been me who died. Aubrey was funnier, livelier, prettier. She was an artist. I work training people. How creative is that?” She gave a pained laugh and felt his fingers entwine with hers. “But that self-pity bullshit had to go. You and me, we’re survivors, that’s for sure. And we’re strong. And we get sad. And then we get up and go on the next day. We can help people. You do it every day.

“So many people have been worried about you. Your family. Me. The people at the gym. Even Swanson asked about you yesterday. And that’s not a burden, buddy. That’s a gift. You make people smile and laugh. Nic and Amanda know you’re special. Your friends knew it too.”

“No.”

“Yes.” She gave him a fierce kiss and watched his eyes open wide before he shut them, shut her out. “If they had survived, you’d be up in heaven or down in hell,” she teased, getting a faint twitch out of his lips, “and you’d be okay with them living on. Why? Because they were good people, and you’re some big jerk? You’re just a man with a guilty conscience. Just because your friends didn’t do what you did during wartime doesn’t mean they never did anything bad in their lives. Stuff they feel guilty for. No one is perfect. Everyone has regrets.” She paused. “You know what mine is?”

He opened his eyes. “Me?”

“Yes.” She watched him shut his eyes, as if he’d been waiting to hear her reject him. “Not telling you I loved you sooner… That’s my regret. It was killing me. I had that love balled up inside me for a while. And then I told you in the tackiest way ever. After sex in a hotel conference room, for God’s sake. That will haunt me forever.”

He didn’t say anything, but he pulled her down into his arms. And he held her there, her head tucked against his chest as they lay on the cold, hard floor.

He had to be uncomfortable. She was. But she didn’t move until his breathing evened out. Then she heard a car pull up in front of her house.

She left Gavin lying on the floor, covered in a blanket, and hurried to let Ava and Landon in. She put a finger to her lips and waved them inside.

They took a few steps in, where they could see Gavin sleeping on the floor, tear tracks evident on his cheeks.

“Aw, Bro. Damn.” Landon looked so sad.

“He’ll be okay.” Ava stroked his arm. “He’s got us, and Zoe.”

“Yeah. Come here.” Zoe drew them with her into the kitchen and whispered what had happened.

“He wasn’t ready,” Ava murmured.

“Shit.” Landon kept looking back in to check on his brother.

“Why don’t you go sit with him?” Ava said kindly.

He left them.

Zoe started crying. “I’m sorry. But Ava, it was so awful. He’s grieving so hard. I felt like my heart was breaking while he cried. And it’s just…I love him so much. I felt helpless.”

Ava enfolded her in a hug she needed, until Zoe stopped her useless tears. “Sorry.”

“That’s it. We’re going to Costco in a few days, and I’m buying you a few dozen boxes of tissues.”

Zoe wiped her eyes. “Now you know what to get me for my birthday.”

Ava chuckled, then sobered. “He needed you. He wanted you enough not to let his guilt get in the way, and that’s saying something. Gavin fools everyone into thinking he’s fine because he laughs a lot, but that laughter hides a well of pain. I’m not his therapist, but I think Lee would agree he needed this. Badly.”

“Really?” Zoe felt a measure of hope.

“This, I think, will be his turning point. Where he can either learn to live with the guilt and forgive himself, or not. And nothing you or I or anyone else does can get him through this.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be here, waiting for him to get better.”

“You’d do that?”

Zoe nodded. “Well, not ’til I’m eighty. I do have some hope for a life. But I have time, and I’m not going anywhere at present.” She paused. “And I know what it’s like to hurt so deep inside you think you’ll never get past it. But when you do, life is so much sweeter.”

Ava hugged her again. “Now that’s the truth I wish everyone knew.”

* * *

Gavin felt like shit. He looked worse, and he hated that he’d broken down in front of Zoe. Hadn’t he hoped to have the strength to break it off with her? Now he didn’t have to. She’d probably never want to see his sorry ass again. Fuck. He hadn’t just cried, he’d fallen, wept, and snotted all over the place. And man, he was an ugly crier.

Hell.

He sat in Lee’s office, a week and two days after his meltdown. At his regularly appointed time. After he’d lost it Tuesday night, he’d slept for hours. Landon had eventually woken him the next day, only to pack his sorry ass home and shove him in bed. Then apparently he and the rest of the family had taken turns watching him while he slept. But not Zoe. She stayed away.

And that stabbed like a knife. Like a fucking KA-BAR through his spleen. He’d say heart, but he wasn’t sure he had one anymore.

It was like his whole body ached. He had no energy, no desire to do anything but mope. He’d even slept through Independence Day, right through the fireworks last night. No worries about him losing it with those loud booms. Oo-fucking-rah.

But Landon had forced him to get up. Nagged and poked and prodded until Gavin had taken a weak swing at him. “God. I think our cousins hit harder than that,” Landon had mocked. “And I’m talking about Cam, the weakest link.”

“Dick.”

The rudeness had made Landon smile, so Gavin had given him a litany of better, more thorough insults.

“Gavin, good to see you,” Lee said.

Gavin sighed.

“Landon, I’d like you to stay.”

“Sure.”

So fat-ass sat right next to Gavin on the couch, thigh to thigh.

“Move over,” Gavin said.

“Make me.”

Gavin looked at Lee, then looked at Landon, as if to say, “You see what I put up with? Why I’m more nuts than usual?”

Lee didn’t hide a grin for once. “I have brothers too, Gavin. I get it.”

“Hey.” But Landon moved over.

“I know what happened. Or at least, I heard what happened from others. Why don’t you tell me?”

Gavin didn’t want to talk in front of Landon. Honestly, he was surprised Lee had suggested it. Then he realized he had nothing to lose. Zoe was gone. He had to live through this mess. Somehow.

So he told it, all of it, and broke down again when he talked about Mick’s kid. About Amanda’s wedding. About losing Zoe, the reality of that pain making it hard to breathe.

“Now, Gavin. Look at me.”

He glanced at Lee.

“How do you feel?”

“Feel? Like a train ran over me. It hurts.”

“Good.”

Psychotic bastard.

“I told you that you weren’t ready for this. That we needed to work on coping skills before.”

“Closure. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah. I get it.” Which all would have sounded much more condescending if his throat hadn’t been so scratchy and his nose so stuffed up from crying like a damn pussy.

“Shut up and listen.” Landon smacked him in the back of the head.

But when Gavin turned to swear at his brother, he saw Landon’s eyes full of tears too.

“The doc knows what he’s talking about. So shut it.”

Gavin hadn’t seen Landon cry in forever. So he shut up and turned back to Lee.

“Your friends. Mick, Luke, John. They’re gone. Forever. And their wives and sisters and children are moving on. Growing. Learning to live and love again. You told Nicole to find someone special. But you aren’t allowed to?”

Gavin shrugged.

Landon smacked him again. “Answer him.”

“Is this some alternative form of treatment?” Gavin asked, snappish. “Quit fucking hitting me.”

“Answer the fucking question.”

“Fine. Look, those women are good people at heart. I’m…not.”

“Bull.” Landon said before Lee could talk. “Whoever was in your crosshairs was not a good guy. So don’t sell me that line. You and your stupid, warped sense of fair play. Look, when the enemy is ripe for the plucking, you fire. Period. And you save countless lives from being blown up or tortured the next day when the enemy’s plans would have succeeded. You did your job. You killed. You survived. Fucking move on, or put the gun to your head and pull the trigger.”

“Landon!” Lee stood up.

Now he’s concerned?

“Make a fucking decision. We’re Marines. We don’t waffle. We don’t second-guess. You do or you die. How can you not know that? If it came down to sniping a guy intent on gutting me tomorrow, would you do it?”

“Yes.” Gavin didn’t have to think about that.

“Then what the hell is your problem?”

“What if they weren’t all guilty?”

“What if, what if. We don’t play what if. We go with our orders and our guts, and we deal. Because what if is making you like this.” Landon looked him over. “And you hate it, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I hate it. Lee hates it.”

“Well,” Lee said. “I don’t—”

“Zoe hates it too. She’s waiting for you to get your head on straight and go grovel at her feet or some shit.”

“She is?” She didn’t hate him?

“Dumbass. I told you that like three times already, but you had to go sleep off another emotional bender.” He grabbed Gavin by the shoulders and shook him. “That’s your redo button. Use it. Get yourself together. Talk to Lee.” Landon stood. “No more pity cards for you. Yeah, you were in the shit. Biggest shit there was, I bet. But it’s over, Gavin. Decide to heal and move on. But make that decision and stick to it. Okay?”

Staring up at his big brother, hearing and understanding it was okay that he’d come through started to penetrate.

“We love you, Gavin,” Landon said gruffly, his eyes still shining. A tear slipped free, and he angrily wiped it away. “Stop with all this bullshit, and get your ass back to the gym before Mac fires you. And for God’s sake, get back with Zoe before she goes out with that loser who keeps sniffing around her asking what’s wrong.”

He blinked. “Swanson?”

“I don’t know his name. But Ava said he was sexy. Not cool.” Landon grabbed him by the collar and hauled him to his feet, then crushed him in a bear hug. Two seconds later, he left Gavin alone with Lee.

Lee shook his head. “Your brother. Quite a powerhouse, hmm? And Ava’s marrying that?”

“Yeah.” Gavin chuckled. “She is. She loves the guy. Go figure.” And if she could handle Landon maybe, just maybe, Zoe could handle him. “So I guess I should talk some more?”

“That might be good. Tell me how you feel.”

“I feel…” He thought about everything he’d been through, a wringer of an emotional mess. His past, his present, his possible future.

“You feel?”

Gavin looked at Lee and smiled. “Better, Lee. I feel better.”

* * *

It had been two weeks since Zoe had seen Gavin. She missed him like crazy, but according to Ava, he was healing. Apparently, he’d really needed to let this pain go. It had been traumatizing but therapeutic, in a way his therapist—and Ava—hadn’t figured.

Then too, apparently Landon had gotten through to his brother with some head slapping and blunt words, more wacky therapy Ava was convinced would only work with someone as hardheaded as a Donnigan.

Zoe sighed and looked up at the periwinkle-blue sky, thankful to Hope for the invitation to finish with her friend’s gardens before the older lady returned. Hope thought Zoe had done such a great job that she’d invited Zoe to finish it. And needing her own kind of therapy to deal with missing Gavin so much, fending off Swanson’s attempts to give his new people extra training over everyone else, and dealing with her nosy aunt’s need to know if everything Cleo had told her was true—last time I share with Cleo—Zoe needed the break.

She hummed as she put a new lily in the container Hope had indicated. Apparently Hope was supposed to do it, but she’d killed off the last one after not watering it enough and not transplanting it in time.

Zoe cringed at the thought.

“Now what would you do if you were taken unaware, on your knees, and your attacker was a huge, buff guy standing just behind you?”

She blinked. Gavin?

“Yep. He’s just waiting for you to turn so he can—shit.” He dodged the trowel aimed for his groin—not that she would have hurt him for real—and disarmed her, then took her down to the ground, as gently as possible.

* * *

“Ah, is that how they normally interact, dear?” Peggy Bower asked.

The seventy-three-year-old owner of the house and her nephew stared at the spectacle outside by the flower bed.

“Um, not exactly,” Hope said, wondering what the hell her brother thought he was doing. Had he lost his mind completely? Romance, Gavin. Be romantic.

Peering through the blinds from the side window of the house, the three of them had thought to watch two parted lovers unite. Hugs and kisses, some tears, all set against the backdrop of the neighborhood’s most exquisite gardens.

Hope sighed. “It’ll get better.”

“I hope so,” Mark said, shaking his head. “I’m a little disappointed in Zoe, I have to say. I expected much more than this. And really. Do any of us buy that she really could have taken Gavin out with that trowel? I’ve seen him on the racquetball court. He’s a beast.”

His aunt shook her head. “No. But the girl has moves.”

“Shh.” Hope held a finger to her lips. “Let’s watch.”

* * *

Zoe looked like she wanted to flip him to his back, but he held the upper hand. “Gavin?”

“Hey, Pink Yoga Pants.” He smiled down at her choice of attire, approving. “How are you?”

“Isn’t that my line?”

He held her wrists down, hoping she had no real plan to escape. God, she looked good. Gorgeous, sexy, a little bit thin, but if she’d let him, he planned to fatten her up as soon as he could.

He sighed, so in love with her. And trying to be worthy. “I’m so sorry, Zoe. It was not one of my better days.”

“It explained a lot though.” She looked so serious, so sad. “Aw, Smoky. I know how difficult all that was to say. I just wish you could have told me about some of it. Like, the feeling-guilty part. I know what that’s like.”

He sighed and let go of one wrist to run a finger down her cheek. Her eyes teared up, and he felt an answering burning behind his own. “Damn, Zoe. I’m sorry, baby. I missed you so much.” He leaned back to stand and brought her to her feet. Then he hugged and kissed her, holding her tight. “After that night, I thought you’d hate me. I was all weak and broken. Such a damn loser about everything. I—Ow. Did you just pinch me?” He stared at her in amazement.

“I hear the purple nurple is a favorite of your sister’s. And I can see why. Shut up. Just stop talking and listen.”

“Okay.”

“You are not a loser. Not a weak, pathetic fool.”

“I don’t think I said fool.”

She held up her pinching fingers. “Not another word.”

He stopped talking.

“I love you, you big moron. So much it hurts me inside. Life is so much better when you’re with me. I even buy peanuts now, just in case you want a sundae. I have extra pink yoga pants, because the ones you used to tie me up lost their elasticity, and I’m saving them for our happy times at home. Our home. I don’t know how you did it, but you wormed your way in here.” She put his hand over her heart that beat like a frenzied drum.

He trembled, feeling emotional but doing his best to remain stoic, reserved. He hadn’t lost her. Thank you, God.

“I want to say I can help you through everything that happened,” she continued. “But I know I can’t. Only you can forgive yourself. Only you can decide if you want to live with me. To love me.”

She paused.

He didn’t know if he should speak, so he waited.

* * *

What the hell was he waiting for? That was her big moment, the big speech, where he was supposed to sweep in with the grand “I love you.”

“Well?” she snapped.

“Oh, I can talk now?”

She waved her hands at him. “Yes.”

“I love you.”

“Okay. And?”

“That’s not enough?”

“Argh!” She clutched her hands in her hair, recalled she had soiled gloves on and threw them to the ground, then had to work to get the dirt out of her hair.

“Wait, stop.” He was laughing. “Baby, stop. Zoe, I fucking love the shit out of you, okay? I’m a mental case with issues that I’m working through, but the biggest kicker to the whole mess was the thought of having to give you up. Because even if I was nothing, I had you. For a time. Then I got turned around and mixed up, and I thought, No, I can’t have her. But I wanted you, so damn bad.”

She had to kiss him. He had the same thought, because he leaned in at the same time she stood on tiptoe.

Once their lips met, it was like warmth returned to her soul. She hugged him, trying not to cry again. God, she’d cried so much the past few weeks. “I missed you.”

“Oh, baby. I missed you too. I’m so sorry for—”

“No more apologies. Not today. Knowing you, you’ll have plenty more to make in the days to come.”

“In the days, weeks, months, and maybe if I’m lucky, years to come?”

She felt such joy she wanted to burst. “I’m game. But you need to talk to me when you need space. Not just take off for days, okay?”

“No more of that. Zoe, I’m making plans for the future.” He swallowed. “For our future, if you’ll have me.”

She blinked. “Are you proposing?”

“Please. Without a ring? And still being a mental patient?”

“Would you stop calling yourself that?”

He laughed. “I’m pre-proposing. Life with you is what I want. But I still have a ways to go to get better.” He brushed more dirt from her hair.

She hoped she looked better than she thought she did. Pre-proposing? Yes! “So, um, don’t you want my answer?”

“Not if it’s a no. If it’s a no, just wait until I can ask again, with flowers and a ring and maybe a degree in exercise science. I’m going back to school. I had a talk with Mark, and we have some really cool ideas for therapy through exercise. Like, mental therapy, not physical therapy. Stuff especially for veterans.”

“You’ve been talking to Mark?” She blinked.

“Well, after I jacked him up to make sure he left you alone, I realized I’d been fed some bad intel. So then I apologized, explained I wasn’t right in the head, and he got it. We talked. I played more racquetball and then realized his aunt owns this place and asked him for a favor. But somehow Hope got involved, and—”

“Surprise!” Hope, Mark, and an older woman walked out onto the porch. “So are you back in love now?” Hope asked.

“Well?” Mark checked his watch. “Hurry it up. I have things to do. Sorry, Aunt Peggy, I have to run. But I’ll call you later.”

“Yes, dear. Thanks for bringing me home.” Aunt Peggy held up her thumb, then turned it down. “Which one?”

“Up,” Zoe yelled and laughed when Gavin lifted her and whirled her around. “Oh, man, I’m getting dizzy.”

“Love will do that.” Gavin smiled.

“So will little to eat and going in circles.”

“Oh.” He set her down.

“Hey, Mark, are you single?” they heard Hope ask.

They didn’t hear his answer as she followed him back into the house.

But Gavin shook his head. “No way.”

“I agree. No.” Yet, Mark wasn’t a bad candidate for a break in Hope’s supposed streak in dating losers. What could it hurt?

Then Zoe didn’t care, because Gavin was kissing her and making plans for their happy reunion. And her pink yoga pants.