CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

 

 

I CAN do this. Not quitting.

Billy stared in his rearview mirror and ran a hand through his dark waves. It had been weeks, but his hair still looked good. The rest of him, not so fucking much. Circles under his eyes, cheekbones sticking out too far, and a wardrobe of mangled jeans and frayed hoodies.

He grabbed the envelope and climbed out of the truck. With a beep of his key, he started walking toward the studio. Millicent would be there, probably. That would be okay. She could be sure Shaz saw this because, dammit, he needed to see it. Even with that Alexander guy, this building could work. Billy didn’t want to e-mail it, because Shaz would just delete it, but if he had the drawings in his hand, it would be hard not to look.

He stopped outside Shazam and took a breath. Go do it, for crap sake.

He pushed inside and the cool air struck him. Shit, no Millicent.

Ru looked up from the desk and his eyes widened, then he smiled huge. “Hi, Billy.”

Shaz’s best friend was not who he’d counted on seeing. “Hi. Hey, would you give this to Shaz?” He set the envelope on the desk.

“What is it?”

“I promised him some information on whether the building we saw could work for him. I know he probably forgot about it, but I wanted him to have this. Will you be sure he sees it?”

Ru didn’t make a move to touch the envelope, but his smile got bigger. “I have a better idea. He’s at the coffee shop. You know the one, about three blocks from here? Why don’t you give this to him yourself?”

Billy shook his head. “Nah. You give it to him.” He turned and started across the reception area.

“Billy!”

He turned.

Ru held out the envelope. “Please.”

Well, damn. How could he do that? Inhale. Exhale.

Ru waggled the envelope. “I may not see him. He could miss it.”

That seemed unlikely. Oh well, maybe giving the drawing to Shaz was a chance to smile and show no hard feelings. Okay, that was a lie, but at least he could smile. He grabbed the envelope and walked toward the door, paused, and looked back at Ru. The guy was still grinning like a loon. Billy pushed back out to the sidewalk.

Get it over with.

He broke into a trot. Don’t think. Just go in there. Don’t think.

Yes, there was sun shining, but the coffee shop sign was all he could really see. He’d go in, hand the envelope to Shaz, wish him luck. He stopped. Come on, Ballew. You can do this.

He started running again. Another block. When he got a few yards from the coffee shop, he slowed. One step closer, two steps. The door burst open and two women rushed out. The smaller woman had wide eyes and clutched her sweater to her chest. The other one stared at her phone. “That’s horrible, somebody needs to stop him.” She dialed her phone and pressed it to her ear.

What the hell? Not good. Shaz!

Billy broke into a run, threw open the door to the shop, and stopped. Tableau. The pretty girl behind the counter was yelling, “Stop it! Stop it!” A boy barista next to her had a phone in his hand and a terrified expression on his face, and in the center of the shop, the big blue-collar guy who had been there all those weeks ago stood screaming at a customer who sat cowering on the vinyl couch.

Not just a customer—Shaz.

The guy was yelling, “Don’t you put your dirty, fucking fag hands on her ever again. I don’t know why they even let guys like you live.” A fist hauled back—

Billy took two steps, grabbed the fist in its arc, spun the guy around, and hit him so hard in the gut he reeled against the corner chairs and sent a lamp flying. Sprawled on the chair, he grabbed his stomach. “What the fuck?” He pulled himself up with fists clenched, really looked at Billy, and frowned. “What the hell are you doing? You should have seen the way he kissed and hugged her. Doesn’t it make you sick?”

Billy narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, because I’d rather he was kissing and hugging me.” He heard a snort from behind him, but he didn’t turn to look. “Get the hell out of here, asshole. Two people have called the cops. Hear the sirens? And if you ever come back or go anywhere near that guy again, you won’t recognize yourself in the mirror.”

The sirens got close, and the guy looked panicked. He screwed up his face. “You’re not gay.”

“The fuck I’m not, so you better be careful. We come in all shapes and sizes, and some of us are bigger and meaner than you.”

The guy glanced at the girl. She shrieked, “Do you think I’d ever be interested in a violent asshole like you? Get out of my shop.”

He ran for the door, pushed out, and threw himself into the waiting arms of Laguna’s finest.

Billy turned just as the Shaz missile threw himself from several feet away into Billy’s arms. Billy closed his embrace and held that slim body tight. Even shaking like a coffee napkin, Shaz felt wonderful.

“Oh God, I was so afraid. You saved me.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”

Those green eyes looked up at him. “Do you, Billy?”

“Always.”

The cop’s voice came from behind him. “Excuse me, gentlemen. Can you tell me what happened here?”

Talk about your bad timing.

An hour later, time made not quite as bad because he got to hold and cuddle Shaz, who couldn’t stop shaking, the policeman finally said they were free to go. As Billy pulled Shaz up from the couch, the cop said, “Oh, one more thing.” He poised a pen over his notepad. “What is the nature of your relationship?”

Billy opened his mouth, then closed it. Shaz stared at Billy’s fish mouth like he was waiting to see what came out.

The cop laughed. “I’ll just put down ‘it’s complicated.’” Chuckling, he walked out of the coffee shop.

The pretty girl came over and put her arms around Shaz. “I’m so sorry this happened. I should have known the guy was scary.” She frowned. “That asshole was about to hit you.”

Shaz shuddered. “Yes. I’ve been hit before, but I didn’t like it much.”

Billy frowned. “You have?”

“Oh yes. Any gay man who chooses my particular fabulous expression has probably had a fist in the face.”

That made him madder and sadder than the times he’d gotten beat up as a kid.

The girl patted Billy’s arm. “But now you have someone to take care of you. I’m so glad.”

Shaz gave him that quizzical look again. “I’m very happy you were here. And how did that happen to occur, darling?”

“Oh.” He looked around and saw the envelope lying on the floor where he’d dropped it as he swung at Shaz’s tormentor. He reached down and grabbed it, then handed it to Shaz. “I did this for you.”

“What is it?”

“An idea for that building you were looking at. I figured with your new partnership and all, you still need a great place.” He tried to shrug the pain away. “So I just doodled this up.”

Shaz opened the envelope and pulled out half the drawing. He looked at Billy, then back at the paper. With his other hand, he reached in his pocket and pulled out his car keys. “I don’t trust myself to drive. Will you take me home?”

His breath stuck in his throat. “Sure.”

Shaz took hold of Billy’s arm. He must still be really shaken. Billy slipped his arm out of Shaz’s and put it around those lightly muscled shoulders. Shaz leaned on him heavily and they walked outside. Billy said, “Want to wait here while I go get your car?”

Shaz snuggled closer. “No. I’ll walk with you.”

With his arm around Shaz, he’d walk forever. But even moving slowly, three blocks only took a few minutes. Shaz pointed to a small parking lot behind the studio, and they went straight there. Billy got Shaz settled in the passenger seat of the Jag. By the time he got in the driver’s side, Shaz was on his cell phone.

“Yes, dear, we had a small altercation at the coffee shop. Don’t worry; Billy saved me.” Shaz glanced at Billy with a small smile. Was he talking to Alexander? Billy held his breath. Shaz nodded. “Yes, Billy got there right in the nick of time to keep this beautiful face intact. I know. Amazing. So brave. He’s taking me home, so will you please close up?”

Oh, it must be Ru. Yes, that was relief spreading though Billy’s chest. He started the car, and the sleek Jaguar purred its way out of the parking lot.

Shaz glanced at Billy again, still talking into his phone. “I’ll see you tomorrow, dear. Sometime.”

Billy stared out the window. Do not assume anything from that word “sometime.” But it was hard not to hope. “Where am I going?”

“Past Emerald Bay.”

“Okay.” Billy turned right on Pacific Coast Highway. Shaz leaned back against the leather seats, curled his body toward Billy as much as his seatbelt allowed, and closed his eyes.

Didn’t want to bother him. Still. “Uh, Shaz.”

“Ummm?”

“How are things going with, uh, you know. Alexander. Alex what’s-his-face?”

Shaz’s lips turned up a little, but his eyes stayed closed. “Going? What do you mean going?”

“You know, the, uh, partnership and everything?”

Shaz’s eyes opened slowly. “Are you asking if I’m fucking Alexander Longstory?”

Billy frowned. “No. I mean, you were going to go into a partnership and—yeah.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I am not now nor will I ever be going into a fucking partnership with Alexander fucking Longstory.”

Billy swallowed hard. “No?”

“No.”

“Didn’t work out?”

“Never worked period. I haven’t seen him since the day you and I had drinks with him. I called him once. That’s all.”

Billy stared at Shaz, then looked back at the road to avoid hitting the Mercedes in front of him. “But the partnership. The big deal.”

“I thought about it, because it could have been great for my staff. But they all came and told me they didn’t want me to do it. They want to build our own business our way.”

“That’s pretty great.”

“Yes. I cried. And then I called Alex and told him no, which did not make him very happy.”

“I’ll bet. I don’t know anything about fashion, but I figured he’d be getting the better end of the deal.”

“You did, did you?

“Yeah. I’m guessing he’s worried about the future and trying to hook his wagon to a star.” Shaz started to laugh, and Billy looked over. “Uh, where do I turn?”

Between chuckles, he pointed forward on PCH. “First street on the left past Emerald Bay.” He kept laughing. “Sorry, except you’re so damned smart. After I decided to turn Alex down, I found out his business is suffering. He figured I could carry him, so he wasn’t doing me any favors.”

Billy slowed for the turn. “He just wanted to get you in bed.”

“I doubt it. He’s a player, so one guy is pretty much the same as another to him.”

Billy turned onto a street that led toward the ocean. “You’re not the same as any other guy.”

Quiet.

Shaz pointed. “Second turn on the right.”

Billy guided the Jag onto a road that looked past a cliff directly at the ocean. “Man, what a location.”

“Yes, I like it. Third house on the right.” Billy slowed, and Shaz nodded. “Turn into that driveway. There’s parking in the back.”

Billy pulled in past the two-story house and found a long building in the back divided into two separate garages.

Shaz pushed a button on the rearview mirror, and the door on the left went up. Billy pulled in and turned off the car. This was the first moment he thought about the fact that he was here with no way home, and he really might need one. “Shaz?”

“Yes?”

He stared out the windshield at the bare wall of the garage. “Were you ever going to tell me about Alexander and the partnership not working out? I mean, how long have you known?”

Shaz sighed audibly and leaned back in his seat, unclicked the seatbelt, and let it slide.

Billy turned and stared at him. “I mean, why am I sitting here? Why didn’t you get someone else to take you home?”

“Because I’m conflicted.”

“Why? For God sake, I haven’t asked you for anything. I don’t expect anything from you. You wanted me to look at your damned building, and then I ended up on a date with Sissy while you got kissed and hugged by that asshole. Hell, Shaz, if I wanted to go on dates with women, I never would have had sex with you.” He dropped his head on the steering wheel.

A hand caressed the back of his neck and, sadly, every touch made a beeline for his cock. “I saw that man at the field staring at me.”

Billy looked up. “What?”

“That parent of one of your Little League kids. He stared at me like I was the scum of the earth.”

Billy frowned. “Yeah. He’s an asshole. But what does that have to do with me and you?”

“Coming out is going to be so hard with your Leave It to Beaver life. You don’t need someone like me hanging around rubbing their noses in it.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

Shaz’s voice rose for the first time. “I don’t fit in your life, for crap sake, Billy. You can see that. I thought you were going to die when that father realized I was looking for you. I’ve never seen anyone so embarrassed.”

Billy stared at him. Shit. True. It was true. He had thought he’d die. But he fucking didn’t.

Suddenly he reached down, cranked the key, and started backing out of the long driveway.”

“What the hell, Billy. Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

“But I want to go home.”

“No.” Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Shaz’s mouth open, close, then he fastened his seatbelt and sat back.

Billy powered back to downtown, barely noticing a speed limit. He turned left on Broadway, scooted around the corner, and sailed down Ocean. A car pulled away from the curb as he approached. Thank you, Universe. He parked so fast it would have scorched a meter maid’s hair.

He turned off the car, hopped out, circled and opened the door for Shaz. Come on, Universe, keep playing ball. They had to be there.

Shaz looked very unsure but let Billy pull him out of the car. With a firm hand on Shaz’s arm and a click to lock the Jag, he guided Shaz to the door of the Bay Bar, one of the most popular locals’ hangouts in Laguna and a favorite of all his crew. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

Shaz looked around. “I’ve never been here before.”

“Nope. Too blue-collar for you.” Score. In a back booth, he saw Jim Carney. Where Jim was, others had to follow. “Come on.”

Shaz looked around. “Billy?”

“Come on.” He pulled Shaz past the people sitting on barstools and group of tables until they got to the back booths. Jim looked up as Billy got close. Harry was sitting beside him and Raoul on the other side. Okay, this could be tricky, but what the hell? “Hi, guys.”

“Hey, Billy.” Jim looked at Shaz with interest. Shaz had been at work, so he wasn’t at all toned down. Tight black slacks, a floral silk shirt, six earrings, lip gloss, and the red hair flowing. He was flamboyant. These guys had to see he was a flaming queen. He was gorgeous.

“Hey, Jim. Harry, Raoul.” They nodded and openly stared at Shaz. “Uh, you know how I told you guys I was gay?”

Shaz’s head whipped around with hair flying. “You did?”

“Yeah.” He glanced at Shaz, then back at the guys. “Well, this guy is the one I like, but he thinks he can’t ever fit into my life. Now, that’s not saying that a big, dumb, no-class clod like me can fit into the life of a beautiful, rich, smart, stylish man like this, but if I could, I wanted him to know that I’d be happy to take him anywhere and introduce him to my friends and say this is my boyfriend, if he’ll have me.”

Shaz opened his mouth, sucked in a sob, and slapped a hand over his trembling lips.

Raoul, who had so slammed his nephew for being gay, stared at Shaz like he was from another planet. “Okay, man, like, this is what I mean. These girly guys start crying and shit—”

Billy clenched his fists.

“And they get us all crying.” Raoul wiped a hand over his eyes. He scooted over. “So sit the hell down and take a load off, man.”

Shaz stared at the seat, at Raoul, and sat.

Billy didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.

Harry reached a hand across the table. “I’m Harry. I work with Billy. He’s the best supervisor I ever had. Don’t give a shit if he’s gay.”

Shaz nodded, looking a little stunned. “Chase Phillips. People call me Shaz.”

Jim scraped a chair from another table, and Billy sat on the end of the booth. Then Jim extended his hand to Shaz. “Jim. Billy’s friend. We work together.”

Shaz nodded. “Honored.” It was funny. He seemed kind of overwhelmed.

Jim glanced at Billy. “So what do you do, Shaz?”

“I’m a stylist. I tell people what to wear and help them look better.”

All three guys laughed.

Billy held up a hand. “Hey, hang on. Observe the haircut. Yes, slightly grown out, but doesn’t it look good? One of Shaz’s people did it.”

Shaz finally quirked a smile. “I even dressed Billy for a while, but he seems to have reverted.”

Billy stared at his hands. “I couldn’t wear them.”

Shaz touched Billy’s arm. “Why not?”

“They reminded me of you and everything I couldn’t have.”

Raoul fell back against the booth. “Oh man, there you go again, man. You gotta stop this gay shit.” He wiped his eyes on his napkin.

Billy laughed and so did Shaz.

The waitress walked up just then. “What can I get you?”

Shaz glanced at Billy, who shook his head. “Nothing, thanks.” She walked away. “I gotta get Shaz home. He had a tough day. Some homophobe decided to beat him up.”

Raoul leaned over. “What the hell, man. You okay?”

“Yeah, Billy saved me. He knocked that guy so far into space, I’m not sure he’s landed yet.”

Harry looked wide-eyed. “No shit. I never saw our boy get all up in your face.”

“He didn’t even hesitate. Grabbed the guy who was about to hit me and socked him in the gut.”

Raoul gave Billy’s arm a punch. “Good for you, my man.”

Billy shrugged. “Yeah, well, nobody even gets to think of hitting Shaz. I gotta get him home. I just wanted you guys to meet him.”

Jim leaned forward. “Are you the one who owns that building Billy was drawing?”

Shaz looked at Billy, who nodded. “I don’t own it, but I’ve considered making an offer for it.”

“If you build it, I want to work on it, okay? I really like that design.”

Raoul nodded. “Me too.”

Jim frowned. “You haven’t seen it.”

“That’s okay. If you want on it, I do too. You and Billy know what’s good.”

Shaz smiled and glanced at Billy. “Thanks. I’m sure my contractor will choose the crew, but I’ll put in a good word.”

Jim smiled and sat back, staring at Billy.

Billy scooted out his chair. “Okay. Gotta go.”

Shaz shook hands with each of the three men, and he didn’t give them the delicate touch of fingers. He really shook. “I’m so happy to meet Billy’s friends.”

Jim slid out of the booth and stood up, real polite-like. “Tell us when you’re free so we can buy you that beer you missed this time.”

“I only work a few blocks from here on Ocean. I’d be delighted.”

“Hey, man.” Raoul leaned on the table. “You believe you can fit into Billy’s life now?”

Shaz waved a hand. “You’re all easy compared to his mother.” He slid out and stood next to Billy’s chair. “Seriously, thank you. I know you don’t hang out with guys like me. I appreciate your kindness.”

Raoul blinked hard. “Aw shit, man.” He slid over, stood up, and gave Shaz a hug. A hug! Miracles must be lining up on the runway.

Billy stood, towering over the other two men. “Okay, no hitting on my guy.”

“Aw shit.” Raoul sat back down, blushing, but maybe he’d be a little nicer to his nephew.

Billy waved. “Bye. See you tomorrow.”

He led Shaz back through the crowded bar and held the door while he climbed into the car. Then he walked around to the other door, ignored several anxious drivers who wanted his space, got in, and sat there. “Okay?”

Shaz gazed at him. “How did that happen? Did you set that up somehow?”

“Hell, no. I just hoped they’d be there. I figured they’d be hanging out together today.”

“So you told them you’re gay.”

“Yeah. I told the whole crew. Some of them won’t be as nice as those three. But the point is, I thought I’d never see you again, so it sure as hell wasn’t for you. It took me twenty-five years to figure this shit out, and I need to get on with my life.”

“You’re amazing.”

He wiped a hand over the leather on the steering wheel. “I was embarrassed when you came to the Little League field. Maybe I will be again sometimes. This is so new. But it’s not because I’m ashamed of you or any relationship we have. I think you’re amazing and someone any person I know would be lucky to call a friend. I’m ashamed of me, of being so dumb that I led people on and didn’t tell the truth about myself because I didn’t know the truth. And I’m ashamed of any time I let people get away with calling men fags when I was around.”

“We’ve all done it, Billy. Even me, the gayest man on earth. We’re all learning who we are all the time. Sometimes other people have a lot invested in us staying the same, but that’s their problem.”

Billy looked Shaz directly in the eye. “What about you?”

“Me?”

“What do you want from me?”

Shaz gazed at him and sighed. “Everything.”

Billy’s heart leaped. Don’t jump to conclusions. “Like to be friends?”

“That’s one thing.”

“Why the hell should a guy like you want me around? You need someone like you. Smart, gorgeous, and sophisticated.”

Shaz raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you mean like Giles or Alex?”

Billy snorted. “They’re assholes. No, somebody nice, but like you.”

Shaz leaned back against the door. People passing by glanced into the car. Shaz twirled hair around his finger. “When I was a kid and other boys played baseball and rode skateboards and made fun of me, I dreamed of knights in shining armor. One knight specifically who would ride in on his great palfrey, sweep me up in his arms, and rescue me from the cruelties of being me. A hero who would look into my heart and not see a sissy who liked to sew and try out girl’s makeup, but a secret princess waiting in a tower. Waiting for him.” Shaz smiled a little. Heat spread out in a blanket from Billy’s heart.

“The years passed, no knight came, and I let the cruelties make me as hard as the people who dished them out. But the day I first saw you in that coffee shop, not letting the bully get to me even though you didn’t know me at all, I saw that you were a knight. And today you stripped the cloak from your armor and revealed you were my knight.”

Billy shook his head, fighting the heat behind his eyes. “I’m no knight.”

“Kind, loyal, true, and brave. Works for me.”

“Not brave. Scared shitless.”

“Billy, you came out to a crew of construction workers. That should get a purple heart.”

Sweet God. Was it possible Shaz liked him? “Really? Are you sure?”

Shaz spread his hands. “If you want me, how could I say no? I’ve been waiting in the tower for so long.”

He could feel the smile spreading across his face. “Hey, I may be slow, but I’m not dumb.” He reached out, grabbed Shaz behind the neck, and pulled him in for a long, sweet kiss. Soft tongue, tender lips, and the satisfying scrape of stubble.

A hand slammed on the hood of the car. Some guy yelled, “Get a room, you two.”

Billy pulled back and stared at the intruder, but the guy was smiling. Billy smiled back and looked at Shaz. “That sounds like a hell of a good idea.”