CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

 

 

BILLY SAGGED against the sink as Shaz pulled out the butt plug. “Sweet Jesus, that hole must be ready for a Tyrannosaurus rex.”

“Was that a compliment?” Shaz laughed and cleaned the plug.

Billy slipped an arm around Shaz’s shoulders. “I know I’ve said it, but I want you to really get how grateful I am. You made this happen. I could never have done it without you.”

Shaz set the plug on a towel and looked up at Billy. “Yes, you could. You could have done it without me. Maybe you wouldn’t have, but you could.”

“Same thing.”

“In practice, perhaps, but not in truth.”

Billy kissed those full lips. “Thank you. Please get that. This means so much more than just a test. Or maybe I should say, it was a bigger test than it looked like.”

Shaz’s eyes got shiny. “I do understand. The biggest dragon yet. You’re immensely welcome.” He wrapped his arms around Billy’s neck and held him close; then he looked up. “So, one more hurdle?”

Billy grinned. “What? No. No more hurdles. I barely survived this one.”

Shaz gazed at Billy. “What about tomorrow?”

“Fuck.” Billy sagged to the heated slate floor. “I kind of forgot for a second.” He dropped his head to his knees. “You know how to hurt a guy.”

Shaz sat beside him on the floor. “What are you going to do?”

“No idea.”

“I have a suggestion. Let’s do a little sweet lovin’ to give Mr. Cock his reward and save the big celebration for after you survive tomorrow. I’ll be waiting for you. You’ll be more relaxed once the day is over.”

Billy shook his head. “Oh man.” Barfing seemed possible again. He dropped his head on his knees. He’d had enough. He clenched his jaw. “Maybe I’ve had enough fucking dragons this week. I don’t have to say anything to them, right?”

Shaz shook his head. “Nope. Not a thing.”

“Lots of guys never come out to their families. I mean, Teresa already knows, so that’s enough for now, right?”

Shaz ran a hand over his neck. “Yes, whatever feels good to you. We have all the time in the world.”

“They never come to my place, so I don’t even have to tell them I’ve moved. I guess I could let them know about the contractor license. That would take a little heat off.”

“Your whole family will be superhappy for you.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “I am kind of tired.”

“I’m sure you are. This has been a long tough month.”

“I wouldn’t mind waiting to get fucked until I was more awake.” He grinned. “Just so I can remember every detail.”

“You can sleep right up until you have to get dressed to go to your family’s. No work tomorrow.”

Billy rested his head on Shaz’s shoulder. “That sounds good.”

“Come on.”

Shaz pulled Billy up and, with their arms around each other, they made it to the bedroom, moved the stuffed cat and the real cats, curled up in a sixty-nine, and sucked each other senseless. They ended up hugging under the covers, and Billy listened to Shaz’s breathing deepen.

Sleep sounded wonderful. Tomorrow didn’t.

Yeah, they’d all be superhappy he finally passed the test. But was he going to leave it at that? Lead them on? Lie to them? Could he do that to his family? Shit. Could he do that to Shaz?

 

 

BILLY PLOPPED the ragged cat in front of Shaz’s sleeping face. “Meeoww.”

Clancy and Yerby, who were snoozing curled against Shaz’s back, popped their heads up.

Billy bounced the stuffed cat. “Meeow.”

Yerby jumped over Shaz’s body, pushed the stuffed cat out of the way, and pressed his nose against Shaz’s.

Shaz sighed and opened one eye. “Meeow yourself.” That eye closed. “For someone who was going to sleep half the day, you sure are energetic.”

“I know. I didn’t actually sleep much. At all, really. But it’s after ten, and we need to be at my folks at noon.”

Both green eyes flashed open. “We? What do you mean we?”

“Wake up and I’ll tell you. I have coffee right here.”

“I’d rather have a cock in my ass.”

“Later. I promise.”

“Promises, promises.” He pushed up on his forearm and then up to sitting, the covers falling into his lap and forming a tent over his morning wood. His smooth, lightly muscled chest glowed against the patterned silk of the headboard. “Caffeine, please.” Billy handed him a mug filled half with dark roast coffee and half with steamed milk the way Shaz liked it. Clancy and Yerby took up sentinel duty on either side of his legs, posing like their Sphinx ancestor. Shaz sipped and sighed. “So what’s going on in your pretty head, my knight? Why didn’t you sleep?” He grinned. “I did my best to suck the worry right out of you.”

Billy held the stuffed cat out on the comforter. “Tell me about him.”

Shaz shrugged. “Barchiel? He’s an old friend.”

“Why don’t you ever say anything about him?”

A little crease popped out between his arched brows. “It’s hard to talk about.”

“Tell me, please.”

He sipped and sighed. “When I was a kid and I did something wrong, my father would hit me. ‘Why are you using your mother’s sewing machine, Chase? That’s women’s work.’ Slap. ‘How can you expect to make the baseball team when you don’t practice?’ Smack. ‘You don’t know the twenty-seventh psalm?’ Slam. When these things would happen, I’d run into the back of my closet where I hid Barchiel. Barchiel is the angel of compassion. He never judged me harshly. He always understood.” Shaz held the stuffed cat against his chest. “That’s why he’s so ratty. He’s soaked up gallons of tears and survived pounds of frustration. I keep him close by to remind me not to live for others’ opinions. To find the good in my life and value it.” He looked up and his eyes glistened. “He brought me you.”

Billy took the coffee cup, set it on the night stand, then wrapped his arms around Shaz and Barchiel. Yerby and Clancy sniffed and pushed their way into the embrace. “I love you so much.”

Shaz spoke against Billy’s chest. “I’m so very glad.”

“That’s what I thought about all night. You inspire me. You’re the kind of man I want to be.”

Shaz pressed a hand against Billy’s cheek. “Actually, that’s kind of scary.”

He sat back and looked at Shaz. He was smiling through the tears in his eyes. “I’m serious.”

“I’m honored. Beyond words.”

“And if I’m going to be like you, it’s not fair for me to not come out to my family. I want them to know me, and I want them to know you. If they can’t handle it, well, that’s that.”

Shaz shook his head. “Your family means so much to you, Billy. Separating from them is not something it would be easy to recover from.”

“I know. Or at least, I imagine I know. But to go on hiding everything from them, like for years? That sounds like crap, man.”

“What do you think your mother will do?”

“God, the thought makes me want to barf.” He wiped a hand over his face. “Will you come with me?”

Shaz laughed. “So you can barf on me?”

Billy tried to grin. “You know what I mean.”

“Yes, and yes, I will go with you.”

“It could be ugly, and I don’t want to put you though that. I hate to ask you.”

“I know. God knows I know. And I swore I didn’t want any more of that crap in my life.” Shaz gazed at Billy. “But this is a different life than the one I had. You’re something worth fighting for. Let’s do this Herculean labor together.”

Billy grinned. “Wrong era for a knight.”

“True. In extremis, I mix my metaphors.” He pressed his hand to his bare chest and gave a little royal bow, then touched a strand of the flame red hair lying on his shoulder. “Should I dye it brown before noon?”

“Who would you be fooling? You can’t hide your glory under a rock.”

Shaz looked up with wide eyes, and it tugged at Billy’s heart. “I want them to like me as your boyfriend.”

Billy grabbed him. “I like you as my boyfriend. I love you as my boyfriend.”

“That’s what counts.” Shaz reached for the coffee cup and downed the contents. “I don’t remember the last time I was this nervous.”

Billy fell back on the bed and grabbed Barchiel to his chest. “Shit. Now he tells me.”

 

 

THREE HOUSES away. Two houses away. Billy stopped on the sidewalk, and Shaz took another step, then halted and turned back. “You okay?”

“Yesterday, walking into that exam room, I thought I would pass out. Right on the spot. A few times, I couldn’t breathe or swallow. I considered that I could die.”

“But you didn’t, baby. You prevailed.”

Billy swallowed and stared at his parents’ house just those few feet down the walkway. “Now I kind of wish I had died.”

Shaz laughed. Man, he looked great, if a bit more conservative than usual. Just a pair of nice slacks, perfectly tailored, and a light green sweater. His hair had been tamed into a tail. Shaz squeezed his arm. “Look, you don’t have to do this at all. If you decide it’s not the right time, we’ll make up a reason for why I’m here. Or I can even go back to the car right now, and you call me when you want me to pick you up.”

Oh shit, that sounded too good. “No, I want you to come, please.”

“Yes, fine. But I’ll take your lead. You decide what you want to tell them, okay?”

Billy nodded. Damn, he’d started this day with so much certainty and drive. Now he had to make another decision. He didn’t want to back down. “I keep thinking about you and Barchiel leaving your family and never going back.” He shuddered.

“But look how many people have surprised you. Your crew. The Little League.”

“Yeah, well, my mom is the big leagues.”

“I want you to do whatever seems right. I’m going to feel the same about you no matter what.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go.” The porch looked near, but every step was a mile. A mile closer to some monumental moment that would change everything forever. Shit, have a little pressure.

Three steps up on the porch, he smiled at Shaz, opened the screen door, and pushed on the front door.

Sounds. Smells. Home. He blinked. No. Home had cats and midcentury furniture and dildoes and a stuffed animal. Home had Shaz. Breathe in. He raised his voice and called toward the dining room. “Hi, everyone. I brought a guest to dinner.”

Teresa made it to the entry first. She swung out the dining room door, paused, her eyes widened, and then she hurled herself down the hall and threw her arms around Shaz. “Welcome. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Shaz hugged back. “Thank you. I think I am too.”

She grinned. “Gird your loins.” She moved the hug to Billy. “I’m so proud of you.”

Billy held up a finger to his lips. “No cats out of bags.”

“Oh, okay.” She took Shaz’s hand. “Come on.” Pulling on Shaz, she moved toward the dining room. “Hey, guys, look who I found.”

Before he got to the door, he heard Rhonda screech, “Shaz. Hi. What are you doing here? So great to see you.” When Billy stepped in, Mitch was shaking Shaz’s hand, and Teresa turned to introduce Shaz to Austin, who hadn’t really met him at the wedding.

Billy’s dad came around the table. His expression was unreadable. He extended his hand. “Good to see you, son.”

“You look great. I’m anxious to hear all about the trip.”

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll get to that. Sometime.” He glanced toward Shaz.

The kitchen door swung open, and his mother stood there with her hands on her hips. “Is that my prodigal son?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He walked over and gave her a hug.

“You’re thinner. Obviously working too hard.” She looked up. “Mr. Phillips. I wasn’t expecting you. How nice to see you.”

How could one person make somebody feel unwelcome and welcome all at the same time?

Shaz nodded. The picture of cool. “Thank you, Mrs. Ballew. I’m so glad I could come.”

Billy still kept an arm around her. “Since you’re here—” He looked around. “Where are Fred and Clarice?”

Clarice stepped out of the kitchen door. “Here, Billy. How are you, dear?”

Fred walked in from the hall like he was coming from the bathroom. “Hey, my man.” He stuck out his hand.

Billy shook hands. “I don’t want to delay dinner, but I wanted to tell everyone something.” Was his mother holding her breath? “I passed the contractor’s exam.”

The place went nuts. His mother looked up at him. The astonishment on her face was almost funny. “William. That’s amazing.”

Rhonda clapped her hands. “Congratulations, Billy.”

“Way to go.” That was Austin.

Billy nodded. “It’s practically the only test in my life I’ve ever passed. And the guy monitoring the exam said I did it in record time.”

His mother looked at him with slightly narrowed eyes. “How did you do this, William? You’ve always said you couldn’t take a test no matter what the reward.”

Billy stared down at her. Okay, here we go. “Shaz.”

“What?”

“Shaz studied with me. He knew I had the answers down pat, but he made me practice with, uh, every kind of distraction until I could answer them no matter what happened. In the exam room, I almost passed out. But I still answered the questions.”

His mother looked at Shaz, and the expression wasn’t altogether friendly. “Mr. Phillips, that’s amazing. How did you ever think to do such a thing?”

Shaz met her eyes, but Billy answered. “He believed in me. He never thought for a minute I couldn’t do it, but he also didn’t care if I failed it. Total support and no pressure. Pretty amazing.”

Shaz smiled. “You see, I want Billy to be the contractor on my new building.”

Rhonda grabbed Mitch’s arm. “Oh my gosh, a brand new contractor with a job all lined up. That’s fantastic.”

His mother nodded. “Yes, it certainly is. Now, we’d best get dinner out before it burns. Teresa, Clarice, can you help?” Just like that, the dragon returned to her lair. Yeah, but the battle hadn’t even begun.

Billy set an extra place at the table for Shaz. Everyone came over and wished him well on the new license and building project. No one acknowledged the giant “Why does Shaz care so much he helped you study” elephant in the room. Teresa would have been all over it in a second, but she already knew. His palms felt clammy, and he almost dropped a dish.

A couple of minutes later, they sat down at the table. His mom directed Shaz to sit by Rhonda, but Billy pulled out the chair he’d set beside his place for Shaz, and no more issue was made.

His mother gazed down the table. “Mr. Phillips, would you like to say grace?”

He nodded in that elegant way. “Of course.” If anyone was surprised, they hid it well. Shaz bowed his head slightly. Under the table, he clasped Billy’s hand. “Thank you, all heavenly powers that may be, for your extraordinary gifts. Thank you for the struggles and pain that make those gifts all the sweeter and for showing us the truth of goodness in the depths of another’s eyes. Thank you for never giving up on us. Amen.”

Billy held his breath.

Shaz looked up. “My, this ham looks delicious. May I pass it to someone?”

Billy’s dad extended a hand. “I’d love some ham, thank you, Shaz.” The room took a collective breath. Billy glanced at his mother. She stared at Shaz, but he casually served himself some chicken, started talking to Teresa, and never met her eyes.

Not the most comfortable meal ever eaten, but Shaz looked so at ease. Jesus, the man was amazing. Billy had a choice. He could let this ride. Abide his mother’s suspicion and disapproval for another hour and leave. Live to face her another day.

Or he could simply confess. How do I do that? Pass the peas, oh by the way, I’m gay? Not much food seemed to be leaving his stomach. It sat there in a tight knot of fear.

When the meal ended, Billy carried dishes into the kitchen as he always did. Shaz helped, but Teresa pushed them both away from the sink. “I’ll rinse them. You two go talk to people.” She winked.

Billy whispered, “What if I don’t want to?”

She just laughed and kissed him on the cheek. At least he knew Teresa would always love him.

Shaz walked out of the kitchen, and Billy followed him. Wonder of wonders, his parents were sitting in the living room. He walked in and got a stare from his mother. He perched on the footstool in front of his dad and motioned for Shaz to take the chair. “So, how was the trip?”

His mother crossed her arms. “Old news now.”

His dad smiled. “We had a great time.”

Billy pressed on his enthusiastic smile. “Was the ship as amazing as they say?”

“Yeah. We ate so much, it’s a wonder we could still get to our cabin. I was glad your mom didn’t have to cook for once. I think she liked it too. We’re so grateful to Mitch and Rhonda. It was a great gift.”

“What was your favorite port?”

Mitch and Rhonda walked in and sat on the other overstuffed chair across from Shaz. Rhonda nodded. “Yes, what did you like best, Daddy?”

“Oh, I think we liked Jamaica, wouldn’t you say, Marie?”

Billy looked up and wanted to duck. He could see the explosion coming. His mother leaned forward. “Enough of this nonsense. What’s going on, William? Why did you bring Mr. Phillips here today without telling us? Why is he helping you become a contractor when he can get a hundred with more experience?”

Silence. Billy stared at his mother. “I have to give it to you, ma’am. You’ve got balls.”

She crossed her arms. “Watch your mouth, William.”

“No one else would ask, but you’d rather know what you don’t want to know than remain ignorant. I admire that a lot.” He sat up straight and planted his feet. “And of course, you already know the answer. Shaz is my boyfriend. My partner. I’m gay.”

Her gasp was barely audible. Then she frowned until her eyebrows touched. “That’s nonsense. Don’t say those words to me.”

“You asked. I answered. Not saying it doesn’t make it go away. That’s what I discovered, anyway.” He looked back at Shaz and smiled. Shaz leaned forward and placed a hand on his back.

She shook her head. “That’s blasphemy.”

Shaz spoke for the first time. “Forgive me, ma’am, but Billy isn’t showing lack of reverence for God. He’s just telling the truth.”

Her eyes widened. “My son committing the sin of Sodom is blasphemy.”

“Most scholars agree that the sin of Sodom was a lack of hospitality and had nothing to do with homosexuality.”

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. It is abomination.”

Shaz sighed. “I’m sorry, but I can’t count the number of times someone has fed me that Old Testament crap.”

Rhonda slapped a hand over her mouth just as Teresa walked in wiping her hands. “Whoot! That’s so the truth, Shaz.”

His mother looked up, shocked.

Teresa shook her head. “Christians pull out Leviticus to prove anything they want to and ignore all the rest.” She gazed levelly at her mother. “I’ve never seen you stoning Billy for working his butt off on Sunday.”

Shaz looked at Billy’s mom. “You’re a Christian. What did Jesus say about homosexuality, ma’am?”

She stared back at him. No backing down this woman. “In Corinthians, Paul said—”

Shaz held up a hand. “Paul wasn’t divine. He was an idiot human, just like you and me. He told the followers that Jesus was coming back in their lifetime. He clearly didn’t have a corner on the truth. No, I asked, what did Jesus say?”

She glared at him.

Billy leaned forward. “Mom?”

“Nothing.”

Shaz nodded. “Excuse me?”

“Nothing. He said nothing, but we all know he thought it was a sin.”

Shaz’s turn to frown. “Just as we all know that Jesus never intended the kingdom of heaven for people with black skin? Or for women? Both things have been taught by religious groups who called themselves Christian.”

“That’s nonsense.”

“Then isn’t it nonsense for God to create an entire group of people and then declare them anathema? Would the prophet who said ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’ add the footnote ‘unless they happen to be gay’?”

She shook her head back and forth. “Billy can’t be gay. He’s always liked girls. He’s been engaged three times. He’s always wanted to give us grandchildren.” Her head fell back against the chair, and she kept shaking it. Billy wanted to hold her head to make it stop. She opened her eyes. “I can’t believe the irony. God is punishing me. I send my son to improve his appearance and he comes back this! A joke! Vanity, all is vanity.” She pointed at Shaz. “You did this. You’ve lured him away from the path of righteousness.”

Billy stood up. “Mother, you’re not stupid, so if you’d say something that ignorant, then it’s just out of plain meanness. You can call me any name you want, but no one is mean to Shaz when I’m around. Including you.” He turned and took Shaz’s hand. “Let’s go.”

Shaz held up a finger, then turned to Marie Ballew. “Mrs. Ballew, I have one more quote for you. ‘If I must have a son who is an abomination, I’d rather have no son at all.’”

She glared at him, but her eyes flicked back and forth to Billy standing beside Shaz, ready to leave. “That’s not in the Bible.”

“No.”

“Then who said it?”

“My father, right before I walked out the door and have never seen him again.”

Her lips parted. “I would never say such a thing about Billy.”

“I know. So don’t let him think that’s what you believe.”

Her eyes flashed to Billy. “Do you? Do you think I believe that? That I’d rather not have a son?”

“Don’t you?”

She leaped to her feet. “Good God, no.”

No?

She covered the few steps between them. “I might fight like a tiger to get my way, but I love you, Billy. I love you no matter what you do. You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known, and while I might show you the error of your ways, no one else better.”

He smiled, though she didn’t. “I’m gay, Mom. That’s how it is. And I’m happy for the first time in my life. Having Shaz.”

His dad came up beside him. “It’s about damned time.”

Billy turned, and his father hugged him. That didn’t happen a lot, so he stored it in his memory. His dad stepped back and extended a hand to Shaz. “Anyone who makes my boy happy is good with me.”

“Thank you, sir. I know we make an unlikely pair, but we’ve discovered we belong together.”

Wow, he would have gone through all this twice just to hear Shaz say those words. Billy reached out a hand, and Shaz intertwined his slim fingers with Billy’s.

The room got quiet.

Billy turned and looked at his mother, who was staring at their clasped hands. She glanced up at him with a stern expression. “So what you’re telling me is that you’re, uh, gay, and if I don’t like it I can lump it?”

There wasn’t much to say to that. “Yes, ma’am.”

She looked up at Shaz. “And what I get in return is a son-in-law who gets you to dress nicely, inspired you enough to finally pass the contractor’s exam, and makes you happy.”

Billy squeezed Shaz’s hand. “Yes.”

Her lips pressed into a line. “Gentlemen, this isn’t easy for me. It goes against what I’ve been taught to believe. But I understand what you’re saying to me. I can cling to my beliefs or I can have a family.” She whirled. “Rhonda, Mitch, what do you think?”

Rhonda spoke firmly, holding her husband’s hand. “We think it’s great.”

Mitch smiled at his wife. “Some of my best friends are gay.”

“Fred? Clarice? How will you feel about coming to dinner with a gay couple?” She waved her hand at Billy and Shaz.

Clarice, usually a woman of very few words, opened her mouth. “We love Billy. I don’t see how this would change that. And I think Shaz is very cute, so I won’t mind having him around at all.”

Rhonda and Teresa laughed. His mom looked at Teresa. “I don’t even have to ask you, you radical.”

“I’ve always believed that love is love, Mother. You know that.”

She turned back to Billy and Shaz. “Very well. I don’t believe God intends me to drive away my son. I hope you’ll be very happy together, and I expect you both here to dinner every Sunday.”

Shaz nodded. “Maybe sometimes you’d like to come to our house. You could teach us both to cook.”

Marie Ballew crossed her arms. “You see, Billy. I was right. You do need a good woman to take care of both of you.”

Very tentatively, Billy reached down and gave his mother a hug.