CHAPTER TWELVE
Ky
I came home covered in more grease and dirt than normal.
Wait.
Home?
Since when had I started to refer to it as that? Somehow over the last few weeks, this was what this place had started to feel like.
Usually, I at least went to my room at the compound and tried to rinse off some of the day before I headed back here, but the realization that I had feelings for Chris that I could no longer deny had hit me too hard today. I felt the need to rush back here and…well, I hadn’t gotten that far in my planning.
Talk to him. That sounded like a good first step. Maybe tell him how I felt about him and finally confess the reasons I had kind of been a dick to him lately. Then apologize and grovel as much as humanly possible because I really was truly sorry. Chris was an amazingly warm guy and he hadn’t done a single thing to deserve everything I’d slung his way the last couple of months.
“Hey,” Chris said as he walked down the stairs and despite my shit mood around him lately, he gave me a genuine smile.
“Hey,” I parroted, then froze.
There were multiple things going on right then.
One, my brain was trying to force out the words that I hadn’t rehearsed enough to feel confident saying out loud.
Two, the dizzying sensation of his scent—which was slightly stronger than it normally was—hit me hard.
And three, he wasn’t dressed for a casual night in.
There was something about the slim fitting button up shirt and relaxed slacks that made me wonder what I was missing.
I couldn’t say he didn’t look good though. But then again, he always did. No matter if he was wearing his board shorts and half covered in sand. Or coming down to grab a glass of water in his plaid sleep pants and thin cotton shirt. And of course, there were his at-home-lounge-clothes, which were usually loose shorts and some sort of soft looking graphic T-shirt.
Fuck, what the hell was I going on about?
And now there was this. This look was…well, it currently had me speechless, that was for sure.
“Something up?” I asked and internally cringed because I sounded like a cold asshole.
“Oh, yeah,” he said as he continued to walk down the stairs while rolling up his sleeves a few times. “I, uh, have a date tonight.”
What?!
“A date?” I tried—and failed—to sound relaxed.
“Yeah. This, uh, guy that I keep running into at Royally Brewed asked me out and I agreed.”
He studied me for a beat and I tried my best to school my expression. Though he hadn’t come right out and told me he was interested in men, I had a good idea that he might be. I mean, I did see him make-out with Brand. With the way that he took control of the situation that night and the way he seemed relaxed about the kiss, I could tell it wasn’t his first male lip-lock rodeo. Then there was the way he had been subtly flirting with me, or that was how I saw it. I didn’t think I’d been wrong about all those little things—the extra touches, the lingering glances, or the sexy smiles he’d send my way. Yes, sexy, because they fucking were.
Obviously, I didn’t have anything against it and the last thing I wanted him to think was that I did. The internal problem I was having right now was that I wanted to be that guy he was going on a date with. I wanted to be the one that he was getting all done up for and I wanted to be the one to pick him up at the door.
Now I was thinking about putting him on the back of my bike and once that image hit my brain, things started to spark and fry.
“Oh, okay. Cool,” I said and managed not to sound surprised or irritated at all. “I was going to order some dinner and find something to watch.”
Like he cared. I had no idea why I felt the need to seem like I had any sort of plans all of a sudden. I didn’t and it was obvious by the lame ones that had made their way out of my mouth.
“Alright,” Chris said as he grabbed his keys out of the bowl next to the door. “I’ll see you later.”
“Chris,” I said as he opened the door to leave.
He turned, his blue eyes shining bright tonight. I hesitated as I got lost in their almost icy translucency.
“Don’t worry,” he said when I hadn’t managed to say anything else. “I won’t bring him back here. I wouldn’t do that around Ingram.”
His words were like a punch to the gut. I wanted to bend over and throw up. I couldn’t stand the image of him and anyone else together. Yeah, that hurt and honestly, I probably deserved it.
My mouth snapped closed and for lack of knowing what to say or do, I gave him a firm nod.
Then he was gone.
And I really wanted to punch something.
“You look tense, big brother,” Ingram said as she waddled down the hall and into the kitchen.
I cut my eyes over to her but didn’t say anything. She only laughed at me, light and airy, and that was all it took for me to lose some of my steam. Somehow, Ingram had figured out how to handle life better than I had. I’d been out longer, but she had this ability to catch onto things at the blink of an eye. She was sly and didn’t miss much, which I’d recently come to figure out. She may have been sheltered but she was in no way dumb. Ingram’s quickness to read the environment around her and figure out the right way to approach a situation was not only amazing, but it was also refreshing. Maybe it was the way that she handled everything that I found beautiful. She didn’t judge people. She didn’t hate me for what I’d done. She didn’t let her situation stop her or dull her in any way.
What that situation was, well, I still didn’t know everything. But the time was coming. And yes, maybe I kept saying that, but as each day passed, it felt like it was harder and harder to ask her.
“Alright, you don’t have to talk about it. I just wanted to get some water. I’m going to go read in bed for a bit. Try not to let the world get you down,” she said as she held up a bottle of water and winked at me. Fucking winked at me. One that said that I wasn’t fooling anyone.
Then I paced, not even bothering to turn on any of the lights in the living room. And when I got irritated of pacing, I sat down and tried to watch TV. I even thought about taking a walk on the beach, but I didn’t want to miss Chris returning home.
Oh, fuck!
She was right, I wasn’t fooling anyone. Not that I was trying to anymore. I mean, I had come back here with all intentions of talking to him. Me? Talking? Yep. Funny how life could throw a damn wrench in your plans once you finally got the guts up to go for something.
I scratched at the back of my neck. Everything felt itchy and twitchy and I was way too uncomfortable in my own clothes. Chris had been fucking with my mind for a while now. Or rather, I’d let him. I was done fighting it and now I had no choice but to stand by and let him go out with some guy on a fucking date. I was the only one to blame here, I had waited too long. I wasn’t an idiot, I saw that. It didn’t mean that I was fucking happy about it.
The door opened and closed with a little more force than was necessary, but not enough to wake anyone that might have been asleep. Chris tossed his keys into the bowl and stood there for a long moment staring down at them. He seemed lost in thought and I had a good idea he wasn’t even aware that I was there watching like some creep. His hair was a mess like he’d been running his hands through it—or maybe it had been someone else, and my mind went crazy thinking that it was this guy he had been with.
There was something wrong. I could sense it. I mean, I guess it was pretty obvious considering he stood there for a good long minute. Then he was moving, his gaze down on the floor as he walked to the stairs then almost blindly climbed up them.
What the hell had happened?
Snapping myself out of my shocked and angry state, I forced my feet to move. Then I was really moving, long strides took me to the stairs, then up them, and I didn’t even bother to try and keep quiet.
It was probably the wrong thing to do. I should have calmed down, but the last few hours had me wrapped up in an emotional tornado and I couldn’t wait one second longer.
I was glad he didn’t have a door to his room. For once, the idea seemed perfect.
I hit the last few steps and his entire room came into view. It was immaculate. Everything neat and orderly but not in that fake-home sort of way. His bed was made and I cursed at myself for looking at that straight away. I didn’t need to be thinking about his bed. Or any bed. Or sex. Or the sex that he could have just had before returning home.
There was that damn word again. Home.
He was standing in the middle of the room, his back to me.
“You alright?” I asked. I hadn’t meant to scare him, but by the way he flinched and stiffened, I knew that I had. “Sorry. I just saw you come in and you looked a little off.”
Off? That was the best I could come up with right then?
“Yeah. I just…” His words trailed off as he turned to face me.
His shirt was unbuttoned and hanging loose on his frame. His pants unbuttoned and the zipper pushed halfway down, the flaps hanging open to reveal his sapphire blue underwear. The fact that they fit him like a glove wasn’t missed by me.
I swallowed hard and forced my eyes to lock onto his.
I’d seen him shirtless too many times to count. Practically every day since I’d moved in here. But there was something about this that seemed more intimate. Like I was invading his space and seeing him like this when he wasn’t expecting it. And I was the only one around to witness this, too. Something I was grateful for, but also having a hard time with.
“Did he—?” I couldn’t finish. I wanted to know if the guy he’d gone out with had hurt him but at the same time, I prayed it was something else.
“No,” Chris said, his head whipping back and forth to enforce his answer. “No, he was actually really nice and we have a lot in common.”
“Oh,” I said and tried to hide the disappointment as I dropped my head and gaze.
“Ky,” he whispered and when I looked back into his eyes he suddenly looked like he was torn and worn out.
Maybe he was tired of waging this war internally, just like I was. I was exhausted and before he left tonight, I had been ready to give in. Only now I was more confused and thrown off. I had no idea what I should do next, but as his eyes softened, I struggled to keep my distance.
But I was new at this. Sort of. I mean, I knew how to do things. I knew how to kiss. I knew how to fuck. However, I did not know how to do those things with a guy.
“I need to know what you’re thinking,” he said and suddenly he was closer than he’d been before. Close enough that I could reach out and grab him if I wanted, but still too far away. “I need you to talk to me because right now, I’m going out of my fucking mind.”
Me too.
And because I was so insane with what was running through my head, I didn’t know what to do or say.
“Ky, I don’t think I’m wrong, but if I am I don’t want to make things worse between us.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said in practically a grunted tone. It was hard to admit to myself let alone out loud to the guy that I had maybe jacked off to more than I was ready to admit. A guy that I could no longer deny the feelings I had for.
“Kiss me,” Chris whispered and his lips were right there, so close that all I had to do was lean in a little. His eyes pinned me with desire and want, and I knew mine held the same look.
His eyes darted down to my lips as my tongue instinctively darted out and swiped over the bottom one.
Then all hell broke loose. My hands firmly grabbed his jaw and I closed the two-inch gap between us. I wasn’t easy. I wasn’t soft. I took his lips in a ravenous kiss. The kind that I’d imagined over and over again for months. I gave and took. He did the same. There was a war with our tongues as he opened up for me and I knew right then that I was fucked.
His taste, his smell, everything about him drove me nuts and I had been an idiot to try and resist this. Nothing I’d ever done before matched this. Heaven opened up and the earth shook beneath my feet.
We ripped apart, both of us needing oxygen. My body trembled as I took a step back, my hands falling away from his face. I stood there, my chest heaving as I stared into his eyes.
And because I was me and had no clue how to categorize this or explain it, I felt the need to run.
“I…I need to go. I’m sorry.” I tripped over my words as I tried flee the room as fast as my feet would allow.
“Or you could stay,” he said and his words halted my steps just as I was about to hit the stairs. “You could talk to me and maybe I’d feel just a little less alone in these feelings.”
The last part of his statement was what made my heart race faster. He’d just admitted that he possibly felt some of what I was feeling.
I couldn’t face him and I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to sit with him and try to explain everything, but I was a frozen mess.
“I went on that date hoping to forget you,” he said and I could hear his feet shuffling in my direction. “I hoped this guy, Matt, could take my mind off of you because I could see it was too much for you. You aren’t sure what you’re feeling and I honestly don’t know if I can be the guy that can handle the one foot in and one foot out thing. I’ve been okay with who I am for a long time and I don’t want to hide. If I love, no matter who it might be, then I want the world to know it.”
Love.
That was the one word that caught my attention. It made my breath hitch and my chest ache.
“If you’re scared or confused, then talk to me, please.” His voice pleaded with me to open up. “I think I get it now. The reason you’ve been an asshole to me the last few months. The only thing I can’t figure out is what changed. When did you stop thinking about me as a friend and start to think about me in other ways?”
“The kiss,” I choked out and I was sure he had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. “With Brand. I saw it. I was hungry and couldn’t sleep. So I left my room and was going to make something to eat. As I walked to the kitchen, I saw that the fire pit was still going. I wanted to make sure that no one had just left it and see if anyone that happened to still be up wanted something to eat. I saw you two.”
I wanted to die right there as my confession spilled from my lips. I could feel him behind me, the heat from his body seemed to seep through my clothes, lighting me on fire from the inside somehow.
“You saw that?” I nodded. “I can explain.” His words came out calm and smooth. It wasn’t like he was rushing to toss out some reason to cover it up. No, it was more like he wanted to be open and honest with me. Whatever the reason, he wanted me to understand and possibly set me at ease.
“No,” I said because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “I don’t need to know what happened between you two. I was surprised at first, because who wouldn’t be. I had no idea. It’s not like either of you have talked about it. And the thing is, I don’t care. That’s not what got me.”
I bit my lip to keep myself from revealing more. It was hard for me to admit it all but at the same time, it wasn’t. It was Chris, and I couldn’t help but trust him with my life and every little emotion I had. I knew he’d never make me feel less than who I wanted to be. He’d never make me feel stupid or silly for any thought or feeling I had.
I think what happened that night just made me open my eyes to what had already been there. It wasn’t just the kiss, it was the possibilities that it opened right then. If I really thought about it, I felt something more for Chris all along. I mean, up until I shut down, I hung out with him every chance I got. I even went to the fucking beach to hang out with everyone while he surfed, just so I could be around him.
“Will you let me, please,” he said, his soft voice right next to my ear, though he didn’t touch me. “Brand was feeling confused. I was trying to prove a point to him—that he wasn’t into guys. I’ve known that I’m not completely straight for a long time now. I’ve never hidden that fact, though I usually don’t put it in my ‘nice to meet you’ speech. Cami came along right after that and helped show Brand that I’d been right. I never had anything with Brand. I mean other than a mad cool bromance.”
I huffed out a laugh as his chuckle filtered into my ear.
“Look at me, Ky.”
I couldn’t deny him. My body turned and I was faced with the kindest and sweetest face I’d ever known.
“You don’t have to define it. You don’t have to put it into some kind of box or category. So maybe you’ve never felt this sort of thing for a guy before, that doesn’t make you different or weird, and even if it did, that’s okay, because I feel it too. And I totally want you.”
“Yeah?” I asked with a half smile.
“Oh yeah,” he admitted and it set me at ease.
“I want you, too,” I said and surprisingly there was no hesitation there. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’ve never had these feelings—not with a woman or a man. You drive me crazy. Being around you makes me angry and makes me happy all at the same time.”
“I’m going to kiss you. This will be the only time I warn you. If you stay, then you’re fair game for whenever I feel like it in the future.”
His words made me smile.
Then he was on me again. I pulled him close, gripping his hips like I wanted to bruise him with my fingers as his lips owned mine.
There was no way to describe what I was feeling right now. I couldn’t even imagine that there were words for it.