Chapter 20

Delilah

“You’re hiding,” my brother says after the quick knock on my door and enters without me answering.

“You could wait for me to invite you in,” I scold as he walks up and sits on the end of my bed.

I shouldn’t be snippy with him, but it’s the only way to get out my agitation that it’s Samson and not Lawson coming in here.

“I feel like we haven’t talked in forever.” Falling to his back on my bed, he stares up at the ceiling.

I put my novel on my bedside table, shift my body, and lie down beside him.

“We won’t ever see each other in a week after football practice starts,” I tell him.

He sighs. “I don’t even know if I’m going to play this year.”

I shake my head, confused. “You’ve played every year since you were five, Samson. Of course, you’re going to play your senior year.”

“Kennedy thinks it’s dumb.”

“Kennedy is dumb for thinking that.” I pause when he stiffens beside me. “Okay, maybe she isn’t dumb for thinking it, but she sure as hell shouldn’t try to change you.”

He grunts but doesn’t reply.

“So,” I begin. “About Rachel.”

“What about her?” He doesn’t pull his eyes from the ceiling, staring as if it holds the answers to the universe.

“You’ve switched your focus.” Not a question. It’s obvious now with his attention on Kennedy. “Does that mean you’re not upset with Lawson anymore?”

He grunts again, and I wait in silence, knowing he’ll respond if I fill the room with awkward silence. The wait isn’t long, and I hate that because it means he’s still fired up about Lawson’s mistake in the kitchen last week.

“It’s like he’s purposely trying to destroy us.”

“I don’t see things that way,” I defend.

“Well, you’re obsessed with him, so I wouldn’t expect you to be on my side.”

I recoil at his view of the situation. “I’m not obsessed with him.” I totally am, but not for the reasons he thinks. “He made a mistake.”

I’m hesitant to explain to him the man I know, the man that Lawson is around me when no one else is around, but with the attitude my brother is tossing my way I know the outcome won’t be him understanding but using my feelings for Lawson against me. Samson has such strong opinions about the situation, there’s no way to change his mind.

“He’s a calculating asshole,” he mutters. “And you’re all cozy with him.”

“He has community service to finish,” I explain. “Dad set that up, not me.”

“You didn’t object.”

“Do I ever object to anything Dad tells me to do?”

Another grunt.

“He’s not a bad guy. He’s done what Dad told him to do and is staying away from Rachel.”

His eyes close, the corners crinkling with agitation.

“Only because the damage has been done.”

No, because he never wanted her and his fixation is on a different blonde-haired girl.

“What’s he got planned next?” he asks. “Is he going to start sneaking in here, trying to fuck you, too?”

I stiffen beside him, my body responding to his words before I can stop it.

“What?” He turns his head in my direction. “Has he already started?”

“No,” I answer with incredulity. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

My voice breaks, causing his eyes to narrow. He can always tell when I’m lying.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“There’s nothing to tell,” I lie. “We don’t even talk. We go separate ways at the animal shelter. He cleans up shit, and I walk dogs and play with the cats. Besides, his last day was today.”

I’m going to miss our time together, but he’d mentioned still going to the animal shelter to help a few days a week. Dana likes having some muscle around for the heavy lifting. I love watching his muscles bunch under his t-shirt, and I lose my breath when he gets so hot he pulls it off to wipe sweat from his face. My cheeks flush, but I refuse to look away from Samson.

He studies my face, and his scrutiny makes tears burn the backs of my eyes. I’m upset that he would hate me if he knew about the private moments Lawson and I shared. I’m hurt that the feelings I have for him have to be kept secret. I hate that I can’t profess how I feel and have everyone around me be happy.

“You’d tell me if he tried anything, right?”

“Of course.” Another lie. “He won’t though. He seems pretty focused on getting done with probation and maybe going to school to be a mechanic.”

I realize my mistake the second the words are out of my mouth.

“Don’t talk, huh?”

I shrug. “I mean. Sometimes we chat to and from the shelter, but nothing like what you’re thinking.”

He turns his eyes back toward the ceiling. I know he knows I’m lying, but it’s still not enough to lay it all out and confess the things I so desperately want him to hear and be okay with hearing.

“I texted Rachel,” he says after several long minutes.

“Since the party?”

“Yeah. She told me she doesn’t date boys.” I watch him as his left eye twitches. “She implied that Lawson was a man and she didn’t have time to waste on me.”

“That’s Rachel’s hang-up. I don’t think it’s an honest reflection of who you are.”

“He’s only two years older than us,” he spits. “And he’s a fucking criminal.”

“Hey,” I chide. “That’s not fair. He did what he thought was best while taking care of Drew while his mom partied all the time. She didn’t care that she was supposed to be raising two boys. He had to be the man of the house, and that led to some decisions he now regrets. He didn’t see any other way out.”

Samson’s huff as he gets off of the bed makes my skin crawl.

“Sure do know a lot from just chatting.”

I flinch when the door slams shut behind him. Calming breaths don’t help to ease the tremble in my fingers. I wish I had a Magic 8 Ball. Looking into my future, knowing how Dad and Pop would respond to the news of what Lawson and I are building, would be amazing. Living in fear that Samson will say something, and they hate me for it is my worst nightmare.

I need someone to talk to, but confiding in Ivy is tricky when Gigi seems to find out everything we say. I know being honest is best, but the fallout could be monumental, disastrous even. Dad and Pop could insist we stop, which would be impossible. They’d know how hard it would be and could make him leave. Distance from him is the last thing I want. Being separated from Drew isn’t an option, and I could never put myself between Lawson and his brother.

“It’s just a stupid crush,” I mumble to myself.

The tears rolling down my cheeks tell a different story.

He’s forbidden, so that makes him more appealing.

I can stop what we’ve been doing. Lie.

I can go back to ignoring him, wanting him in private without him even knowing I’m hurting to touch him. Lie.

I can get over him as quickly as I became attracted to him. Lie

Destroying my family is worth my temporary happiness. I waver on this one. I’m not a martyr, but the pain I could potentially cause those I care for isn’t something I can handle as easily as suffering in silence.

Determined, mind made up, I head downstairs.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Dad says with a quick kiss on my forehead.

I fall unceremoniously into a chair at the breakfast table.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he pulls the lid from the saucepan and stirs its contents.

“Not feeling so well.”

Seeing Lawson today while my decision is so fresh will only have me doubting it. I have to create distance between us, even if it means pretending to be sick and missing supper. My stomach growls at the thought, and the amazing aroma of alfredo sauce only makes it worse.

“Hungry?”

“No. I can’t even think about eating.”

“About to start? You always get like this around that time.”

I groan. “Seriously, Dad? I’m not talking to you about my cycle.”

He shrugs.

I want to tell him. The words are right on the tip of my tongue, but a cheer from Drew as he plays Xbox makes my mouth snap shut.

“I think I’m going to skip dinner and go to bed early.”

He replaces the lid and drops the spatula on the spoon rest. He walks across the room, his warm lips meeting my forehead. I nearly cave again.

“You don’t feel warm.”

He pulls back, studying my face with hands cupped on both cheeks.

“I think I got too hot at the shelter today. New Mexico summers suck.”

He releases me, believing my lies and takes a step back.

“Well you only have one more, then you have the choice of whether you want to stay in Rhode Island or come home to visit.”

The reminder about college helps. It keeps me focused, and forces me to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. A couple of kisses and a few kind words isn’t enough to take the chance of ruining a family.

I don’t feel like what Lawson and I are feeling for each other is wrong, but my opinions aren’t the only ones to consider.

“Get some rest, sweetheart.” He heads back to the cabinet to pull out pasta. “Maybe consider missing tomorrow at the shelter.”

“Night, Dad.”

I head up the stairs, thankful I have a few snacks up there. Maybe once everyone is asleep, I’ll sneak down and grab some leftovers.

Avoiding Lawson may be easier than I thought. I lock my bedroom door behind me and settle in for a long, boring night alone.