I don’t know where I am. All I know is that it’s cold. And dark.
It was always so dark.
I use everything in me to keep my feet moving as fast as they can. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. I take deep, hard breaths as my lungs begin to deflate. Even if Michael isn’t physically here he finds a way to slither back into my life. Any little bit of light left in my soul vanishes. Nothing means anything to me. When that happens I don’t know what to think, what to feel…and it terrifies me. I can’t shut off my feelings. I have to feel something.
I finally stop running.
My fingers and toes are numb. I try blowing hot air into my palms, but the second I uncover my mouth all I do is cry. Loud sobs pierce the tranquil night, disturbing the peaceful calm the light snowfall is conjuring up around me.
I thought about running toward my house, but if I did that Owen would’ve followed. There would be no escape. And I couldn’t let my parents know.
I fucked up fake Christmas.
I fuck up everything.
I turn my phone back on, ignoring all the missed calls and texts. I sent a quick message to my parents when it was clear that Owen couldn’t keep up and he had to stop. I told them that I was sorry but I had to go back to Seattle. My car keys are still in my car so Echo or Freddie can drive back and get their things from my parents’ house if they have to leave.
I find Echo’s number and press the little telephone icon. She picks up on the second ring. I don’t say anything so I know it’s her answering and not someone else. Like the man who set my heart on fire.
He thinks I’m lying…
“Sweets, where are you? We’ll come and get you.”
My teeth chatter. “I don’t know.”
I hear her tell someone to click into “find my friends” and before I can protest because I don’t want to see Owen she tells me that it’s just her and Freddie. They’re at my parents’ house, their bags in the trunk of my car, waiting for this moment.
“I never thought I’d feel like this again, Coco,” I sob into my phone. The last time was right before the accident. I didn’t care about my life. I was only trying to save another. Someone young and innocent. Ari. I saw the way Michael was looking at her when she was playing in a neighbor’s yard and I refused to let her life become like mine. She never saw the accident. No one was supposed to.
“I know. We’re coming. Stay on the phone with me, okay? Don’t hang up.”
I wander around, trying to find out where I am. Then it hits me. I’m in Washington Park. I see the entrance to the Japanese Gardens. Of course I ran here. Six miles away from our parents’ house, I loved coming here with my parents during the spring to see the weeping cherry trees. We’d visit during every season to experience the beauty of it all.
I make my way toward the parking lot and wait for my friends.
Fifteen minutes later, Echo pulls up and hops out of the car. The second her arms are around me, I let it all go. I’m a sobbing mess. “I thought it’d feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” I confess. “But it feels like a four ton truck fell on me instead.” I hiccup and sob loudly when I say, “He doesn’t believe me. I told him the truth and…he doesn’t believe me.”
We make our way into my car, both Echo and I climbing into the backseat, leaving Freddie to drive. I spot Mowgli in his caddy, now buckled into the passenger seat. He just reminds me of Owen. Everything that was lost.
“I’m so sorry for ruining your Christmas,” I add when we get onto the highway, driving slow because of the falling snow.
Echo pulls me into her arms, rubbing circles on my back. “Shh, don’t worry about it, sweets. You didn’t ruin anything.”
Her and Freddie lock gazes in the rearview mirror.
They’re lying.
I ruined everything.
I spend the rest of the week wrapped up in my comforter being Mowgli’s body pillow. Being back in Seattle, I thought I’d be able to breathe better. It only hurts more.
Owen came by yesterday but he didn’t make it up the stairs before Echo threw herself onto his back and forced him out of the house. She kept yelling that he was to blame for me feeling this way. She told him that she couldn’t understand how he didn’t believe me when I told him the truth. He kept apologizing, begging me to come downstairs, but she threw him out.
I didn’t see it.
I barely leave my bed.
I barely classify as a human being in this state.
I’m constantly thinking about the events that brought us here. I think of everything that happened over the years.
I mourn the little girl that lost her innocence when she was six. I grieve for the teenager whose life was spared to keep her best friend’s world from completely disintegrating. I hurt for the pain I’m causing now.
A knock on my bedroom door causes Mowgli to raise his head and meow and then snuggle up closer to me.
Echo cracks the door open and walks in with a small package in her hands. “This is from that chick in Providence.” Echo sets the package down on my nightstand. “Classes start in four days. Sweets, I hate to break it to you but you kinda smell. You need to shower.”
I chuckle. It sounds off.
I stretch my arm out and wiggle my fingers, asking for my package.
When Echo places the box in my hands, I tear off the tape and open the flaps, digging past the newspaper and the bubble wrap. Pulling out the items wrapped in light purple tissue paper, I slowly tear off the paper and stare at my items. One is a handmade clay mug that I custom ordered for Owen. It says, “I hacked Anonymous. They gave me this mug for my silence.” It’s cheesy, but Owen really likes that hacker group. I wanted to give this to him for Christmas but the girl who makes them, Luna, couldn’t have it sent out before then. I felt bad trying to rush her so I said I could wait.
My item is a custom-made clay coaster. On one side, there’s a beautifully designed cherry blossom tree in full bloom. Luna paints them herself. To say that she’s talented is an understatement. We kind of formed a friendship so I send her books when she doesn’t accept more of my money. I flip the coaster to the other side and my tears come back. “Books, tea, rain, and you. Huh, don’t mind if I do.”
I planned this all out the second I arrived at my parents’ place and I saw what they got for me. When I got back I would have surprised Owen with this and another gift.
My parents gave me a key to my new house. Mom designed the entire thing, and Dad built it with the help of his men. I haven’t seen it yet. Mom told me to wait until June so everything is perfect. I stared at the key sitting in a box with a huge smile on my lips. It was the night before the future I saw was crumpled like a piece of paper, thrown into the garbage can.
I saw it; Owen and me sitting at the kitchen island, him drinking coffee from his new mug, me drinking tea in my mug that I ordered three months ago, looking down at this coaster. Our eyes would find each other, I’d look away first because that’s what I always do and then my eyes would travel back to his. And I’d ask if he wanted to move in with me after we graduated college.
We were high on each other.
I wanted to be all in.
Now, all that’s waiting for me is an empty house, mourning the memories it’ll never see.
I’m going to be alone. And it’s nobody’s fault except for my own.
Owen wasn’t ready for the truth.
Echo is heading back to Indiana once we graduate. She wants to spend some time with her mom, keeping her company and then maybe take her on a few mini vacations so she can see the beauty in life.
Echo didn’t have the heart to bitch me out for clearing her family’s debt. It was something I needed to do. I was tired of seeing people I love suffering over things that they didn’t need to worry about.
“He called again,” Echo says, sitting on the edge of my bed.
I place everything back into the box and look up at her. “Some day he’ll eventually stop.”
As the water runs down my body, it starts to sink in that Michael was right. I would hurt Owen. I tried to protect him and look where that went.
I slam my hand against the wet tiles as a lump lodges in my throat, constricting the sob waiting to rip from my lungs.
Look where we are now. Broken and hurt.
I inhale deeply and lower myself to the floor of the shower as the cries of my broken heart finally come out. I’m not even crying for twenty seconds when I feel a pair of delicate arms wrap around me and I hear Echo’s soothing voice.
“My heart keeps breaking. It’s trying to repair itself but it’s pointless. With every breath I take, I feel like I’m suffocating and drowning in despair. I miss him. I kinda hate him a little too but I love him so fucking much and it just hurts.” My cries become heavier, and I have to rub my chest to ease the pain within. “I miss him. I was never strong enough to leave him. We’re connected, Coco. I feel like a part of me has died. And it hurts even more knowing he’s feeling the exact same thing. I did this. I killed us.”
Echo once told me that our love is infinite. We’re two souls tethered together for eternity.
What happens when that love is severed?
I’m back in Mary’s office, my fingernails digging into my palms as tears run down my cheeks. I caught her up to speed with everything that has happened since Christmas and she’s still sitting her in chair taking down notes, giving the occasional nod and murmuring “mmhmm.”
I need more than a “mmhmm” right now. I need someone to direct me toward a path that is less heartbreaking. I need someone to tell me that my broken heart is temporary and while the pain is excruciating, I’ll live.
I’m so lost and I’m mad and I’m hurting.
Owen knows what I’ve been keeping a secret for years and I don’t know if I can handle seeing him again. Not after the way we left things by the creek.
“How are you doing in school?”
“W-what?” School? Why are we talking about school? My heart feels like it’s being ripped apart slowly, I don’t want to talk about school.
“Do you think you can take some classes online is what I mean.” Mary shifts in her chair, setting the notepad down on her lap. “You have an internship waiting for you in New York. What if you went?”
I wipe my eyes quickly and swallow the lump in my throat. “You think I should take it?”
Her dark brown eyes hold mine. They give nothing up. She’s always been a little hard to read until she cracks a smile and we talk about something nice. Today there’s no smile. “I think taking that internship might help. You didn’t plan on telling Owen the truth about his father but now he knows and both of you are now somewhere where you need to think of what’s best for you in order to continue.”
“I’d just be running,” I answer.
“It doesn’t have to feel that way. What if you and Owen meet before you leave?”
I look down at my hands before I squeeze my eyes shut. “What if he looks at me differently? What if he hates me?”
“This was a big step for you, Zoë, and I know you wanted to avoid it at all costs but in order for a relationship to work both partners have to be open about a lot of things. The sexual abuse is one of them. I wanted you to be in a certain place where you felt like you could talk more about it with me, and possibly your family but I felt like you needed a bit more time. I’ve been helping you get comfortable with Owen. There were a few bumps to get through but you did it. You’re not at a standstill anymore. You have options.”
I hear her stand up and I crack my eyes open, watching her heeled feet come toward me. She sits beside me on the couch holding a tissue box.
I look up slowly, confused.
“I truly believe that you and Owen can work things out. You have to remember that the image he had of his father is now shattered. He spent years mourning a man he thought he knew. He needs time. And so do you.”
I uncurl my hands and grab the tissue box from her, dropping it onto my lap. “Do you honestly believe New York will help me?”
I’ve trusted her with helping me pursue a relationship with Owen when she thought that was something holding me back. She never understood why we were just friends when I was in love with him. In life we have to take risks, today I want you to step out of your comfort zone and try to hold his hand. Not as a friend but as a potential lover, she said the very first time she brought up Owen’s name. It worked. She helped me overcome a few of my fears, so now I’m trusting her decision on what comes next.
Give me guidance.
“You’ve spent your lives together and this distance might benefit you both.” She slowly stretches out her hand and lays it down on my left one. Mary looks a little stunned that she’s actually touching me. It definitely doesn’t fit her “let’s keep it professional and sit across the room from each other” motto. I actually kind of like it. It feels like she’s truly trying to help me by being both a professional and a friend. “To answer your previous question, I don’t think he’ll hate you, Zoë. He’s spent his whole life loving you.”
I try to remember that when I stand up and leave.
My heart is still cracked and hurting, but knowing what I’ll do next keeps it from incinerating into ash.