I powerwalk down one of the brick pathways leading toward Smith Hall because I know Owen is on the other side of the quad, heading toward Savery Hall with Echo. If I stand still and turn to my left, I’ll spot him within seconds. Distance means nothing to us.
The gothic architecture surrounding the quad, the groups of people spread out on the green lawns, and the fact that it might start pouring any second because of the dark clouds in the sky makes becoming invisible easy.
It does nothing to my aching heart. I’m avoiding my best friend over something that he has no fault in. He didn’t ask for the same colored eyes as his father. But why couldn’t he get his mother’s blue ones? His younger brother, Beckett, and sister, Ari, have blue.
Why does he have to remind me of the devil when our eyes lock?
My phone vibrates in my pocket, jerking me back so I don’t walk into someone.
Owen: Zo, I never meant to make you uncomfortable. I’m so fucking sorry if I did something.
After avoiding him all day yesterday, I knew he was looking for me. I turn my head to the left and squint my eyes. I see him standing by the row of cherry blossom trees near his building. They’re bare but I visualize them fully bloomed because watching Owen standing by my favorite trees brings life to them. He brings life to everything around him. Including me, even on my darkest days.
Do you know what it feels like to look at yourself in the mirror and want to claw away at your skin until there’s nothing left? Because I do. And knowing that it won’t help this vacant feeling that I have inside of me makes me want to dig deeper. It’s because of Michael Stevenson.
When Owen slipped his fingers inside me I freaked out and wanted to scratch my skin until I bled.
Looking at my skin, or having Owen look at me, makes me think of unwanted hands touching me; a calloused hand running up my bare leg, across my stomach, over my breasts, and into my hair. Unwanted lips touching mine. Forbidden words being spoken.
It disgusts me.
It ruined me; left me shattered. Fractured. Destroyed.
Thinking of my childhood brings me to a dark place. There is no escaping. Michael sneaks into my mind all the time, burning me from the inside out. I suffocate with the mere thought of him.
And that’s why I had to leave Owen. Because when he touched me, I felt his father. And I was brought back to when I was a child.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about Owen and I kissing. I want to feel his lips against mine. I want to see him, only him, when we do it again.
I. Want. Him.
So damn much.
Will I ever be ready for that?
I look down at my phone and type out a response to him.
Me: You didn’t do anything. I swear, Wen.
I watch him look down at his phone, look up at me and then look back down.
Owen: But I still made you uncomfortable.
Me: A little. But it wasn’t you. It’s me. We’ll see each other later, okay?
I pocket my phone and head inside the building. I don’t look at the text he sends next. I know it’ll be along the lines of “I’ll be outside when you’re done” because that’s who Owen is. His class gets out an hour before mine and yet, when I’m walking out of Smith, he’s there, leaning against a tree, waiting for me like always.
He doesn’t deserve this, Zoë. Either tell him the truth or let him go.
That’s my biggest fear though. What if I tell him everything and he lets me go. Owen is the only one holding onto the girl I used to be. To him, I’m still the girl he grew up with, the girl he shared secret kisses with by Cedar Mill creek, and the girl he fell in love with when he was fourteen.
The Zoë he loves and the Zoë I am are not the same.
She died when she was fourteen.
I was left to deal with the aftermath.
When the time hits four-twenty I’m the last one out the door. My love for Virginia Woolf is to blame. I want to relearn everything I can about her before we switch to topics regarding Katherine Mansfield in two weeks.
My nose is stuck in Woolf’s first book when I bump into someone.
“It’s just me, keep reading,” Owen says when I look up, startled. “Oh, and I bought you some candy.” He opens the bag of Swedish Fish and holds it out so I can take a few pieces while we walk, just like we always do.
I throw two fishes into my mouth after saying thank you. I finish the chapter when we pass Red Square so I tuck the book into my bag and take the candy from Owen, finally giving him my full attention.
I don’t know why I’m expecting him to manhandle me and demand to know why I’ve been MIA. A little piece of my heart turns to ice when I think, he is his father’s son.
Owen is nothing like that man. The only thing they share is their eye color. And their obsession with me…
“Zo, I’m sorry–” he starts before I cut him off.
“I don’t regret kissing you,” I say, staring at his chest. “I just wanted to make that clear. And you didn’t do anything wrong.”
He takes a step forward and tilts my chin up softly. There is nothing but warmth and a smile in his eyes as the sun sets around us. “So it’s okay if I kiss you now?”
I look away as I feel the blush creep up my neck.
We’ve been friends for years and in one night, making one decision pushed us over the invisible line. We’re not just friends anymore. I don’t think we ever really were, but I never kissed him first. We shared innocent kisses throughout our younger years but that was all Owen. I’d always find him staring at me and then he’d lean into me, asking permission.
Something wet hits my cheek and I dart my eyes back to Owen. He’s still looking at me, waiting. My brows furrow until I’m hit again and then I look up.
It’s starting to rain.
A raindrop must hit him next because his head jerks slightly before he tilts it back to look up.
“I’m waiting,” I murmur.
When he brings his eyes back to me, they’re glowing. “Haven’t you always wanted to be kissed in the rain?”
I nod, licking my lips.
When I was sixteen, I read a young adult novel that had a scene where the main characters made up and kissed right when a rainstorm hit. It was beautiful. The chances of that happening in real life are slim. A lot of people don’t like getting wet so their first instinct would be to find shelter, not kiss someone and end up looking like a drowned rat. But that’s the beauty of a book. You get to live in a fantasy world until you reach the end.
“You didn’t get the hint that day. You honestly thought I was just fangirling over having it happen in a book.”
Owen’s lips curl before he licks them and brings his mouth closer to mine.
My eyes flutter closed so my mind doesn’t start to play tricks on me.
His plump lips press against mine for one, two, three seconds and then they’re gone. I rub my lips together like they’re a genie’s bottle and I want him to come out with my three wishes. But he doesn’t.
When I crack my eyes open, Owen is smirking down at me. “More?”
YES!
I chuckle as I fist his sweatshirt and pull him toward me. “More.”
My heartbeat is the only thing I hear when his hand cups my face and he nips my bottom lip. The moment his lips touch mine, my mind goes blank, and I part my lips, his tongue meeting mine.
Owen wraps his arms around me, pulling me against him. His hard body against my soft one feels like I died and went to heaven. It’s a reprieve from the hell I’m constantly putting my mind through.
As our kiss deepens, the raindrops come down harder.
“I could kiss you all day, Zo,” Owen whispers against my lips when we’re both left breathless. “Come back to my place.”
I crack my eyes open when he rests his forehead on mine. His eyes are closed, his eyelashes fanning across the tops of his cheeks. His thumbs rub imaginary circles on my neck, slowly slipping down toward my collarbone.
He opens his eyes and stares deep into mine. “I hate knowing you’ll be driving in the rain. Stay with me. Please.”
I hate driving in the rain. I hate that it worries him.
I hate that I did this to him.
“Echo is making dinner tonight. I can’t ditch her.” I bring my hand up and tap his lips with my finger. “Come over and we can continue this afterward.”
His eyes turn a darker green. “Yeah?”
“I think kissing you became my favorite thing to do.”
What are you doing, Zoë?
What should’ve happened years ago.
He blinks and closes his eyes quickly, smiling from ear to ear. “Making you happy is my favorite thing to do.”
I shiver, the chill in the air mixed with the rain is finally getting to me, but it also has to do with what he just said.
Ever since we were kids he’s been trying to make me happy. When we were seven, he thought I didn’t love him anymore because I wouldn’t tell him why I was sad. He made me promise that I’d always love him and we’d be best friends forever that day.
“I’ll love you forever,” I say softly, recalling that tragic yet sweet moment in our story.
Owen chuckles as he brushes back wet locks of hair. “To infinity and beyond.”
Zoë, Seven years old
I sat on the creek bank letting water dribble over my toes as I stared down at the pebbles underneath my feet. Owen sat beside me; his eyes never strayed from me. He wanted to know why I looked sad. I couldn’t tell.
“Do you want candy?” he asked, offering me a single green Jolly Rancher. It was the last one, I said no. Green apple was his favorite. “I have chocolate too.”
I shook my head and bent over so I could dip my fingers into the water.
Cedar Mill Creek was right behind Owen’s house. We’d walk out into his backyard, take the steps leading down toward all the trees, and then it’s like we’re stepping into a different universe. He said it was our spot because no one knew about it. Today, his father told me that he knew we hid there and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like all the time Owen and I were spending together. He got mad and made me take off my clothes when Owen had to take a bath because he was covered in dirt. Owen’s dad hurt me, but I couldn’t tell anyone. It was our little secret. Mommy and Daddy would give me away if I didn’t keep the secret. Michael kept telling me that so I knew it was true. Daddy said parents never lie.
“Zo, don’t you think so too?”
I looked up and found Owen holding the Jolly Rancher in between his thumb and index finger.
“What?”
“They kinda match your eyes. That’s why they’re my favorite.” Owen dropped his head, mumbling something. When he looked up, his cheeks were red. “Are you mad at me?”
“No, I just don’t want to talk today.” If I talk, I might spill the secret. I don’t want to go away. I don’t want to be away from you, I thought to myself. No one could read minds so the secret was still safe.
His eyes that match the color of the trees surrounding us landed on mine. “Do you not love me today?”
I felt my little heart stop. Why would he ask that? “I’ll always love you. We’re best friends. It’s forever.”
Mommy loved Daddy, they said it all the time. He was her best friend. When I told Owen that, he said he loved me because I was his best friend too.
Owen’s lips spread wide and he puffed out his chest. “To infinity and beyond!” he shouted.
I shook my head and laughed as he shot up and started acting like Buzz Lightyear from Toystory. That was our favorite movie.
“I don’t like when you’re sad. It makes me sad,” he said, grabbing my hand when he came next to me again.
Your daddy made me sad, I wanted to say. But I couldn’t.
When we walked back to his house with our hands joined, Owen made me promise that I’d love him forever. When I promised, he ran up to his room and came back down with a book. Mommy told me to make it fast because it was getting late. “If I’m sad Mom reads this to me before bed to make me happy. I want you to have it.”
I looked down at the book with a black panther and a tiger on it. The Jungle Book was written in big letters.
“But if I have it how will you be happy?” I asked.
Owen shrugged, stuffing his hands in his shorts pockets. “My favorite person has my favorite book.”
I brought the book up to my chest and wrapped my arms around it. “I promise I’ll keep it safe!”
Mommy called out my name from the car. I had to go.
“Thank you, Owen.” I kissed his cheek and ran to the car, buckling myself in while Mommy watched. “I need your help tonight,” I said matter-of-factly.
“With what, sweetheart?”
“Reading this book as fast as possible so I can give it back to Owen. I don’t want him to be sad.”
She laughed at me, but not in a mean way. “It’s almost bedtime, Zoë. We’ll have to read it tomorrow, okay?”
I nodded as I stared down at the book.
I guessed that meant I couldn’t play with Owen and his friends tomorrow. We always did lose track of time.
And I wanted to read this book with Mommy.