The strip light above us was flickering.

‘Can we do something about this, Carlo?’ I asked, pointing to the ceiling with a sharp stab.

‘Don’t point your boobage at me, Abi,’ he replied in his thick Italian accent.

‘I didn’t realise I was pointing them at you. I have perky boobs. I can’t help it.’

He laughed heavily, wafting his hands in front of him in exasperation. He returned a minute later, switched off the lights and started lighting candles.

Carlo’s had become our go-to place for weekly catch-ups. Carlo knew our orders and secretly loved having a group of young women in his old fashioned Italian restaurant.

‘Oh, for God’s sake, who in the name of a scolding dragon’s nut sack is calling me now?’ Gem pulled her mobile out of her bag and shook her head. ‘Why does he need to suck out every enjoyable second of my life?’

We took that to be Jay, her soon to be ex-husband, and watched as she left her seat to answer the call.

‘So, I took part in a random act of kindness today. There was a bloke in the post office who didn’t have enough cash for the postage, so I said I would pay as long as he wrote on the back that the receiver had to pass on the kindness to someone else,’ I said between mouthfuls of breadstick.

‘That’s brilliant,’ Kate smiled. ‘What was in the parcel? Did he say?’

‘Two paperbacks. I felt all whimsical, like I was passing on great words.’

‘It could have been anything,’ Kate laughed. ‘I’m imagining an inmate staying at Her Majesty’s pleasure replying with thanks for the stash of weed and the knife fashioned out of a toothbrush. Hiding them in those paperbacks was a stroke of genius.’ I threw the end of the breadstick at her and at the same time, Gem sat back down with a huff.

‘The fucker can’t even let me enjoy a night out. Apparently, Brandon is crying for me, but I know for a fact that’s a load of shit because there was no background noise.’ She took a gulp of her wine. ‘He can’t stand to see me going out, but it’s fine for him to fuck his little fancy woman. Thanks, Carlo,’ she replied without looking up as he set her spaghetti bolognaise down and tried to hide his smirk when he overheard the conversation. ‘You know, I feel like taking a leaf out of Elle’s book and joining a dating website just to piss him off. But you know what? I’m too knackered to think about dating. Yesterday, I wrapped my mobile in cling film when I was doing Theo’s sandwiches for school. It rang and I put the jam sandwich to my ear,’ she laughed. ‘And I’m seriously thinking about going back to work.’

Gem left her job in sales when she had her first child. She separated from her husband after the birth of her second child when she caught him cheating with a waitress at his restaurant. Her luck in the romance department hadn’t improved since.

‘Just because you had a bad first experience, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it again,’ Elle said.

‘Bad? It couldn’t have been any worse.’ She covered her face with her hands while Elle stroked her back, offering support but trying not to laugh.

‘I need to hear this.’ Kate, our colleague and now good friend, tried to be serious, but failed.

‘Oh God, OK, let’s all have a laugh at my expense,’ Gem said, rolling her eyes. ‘I arranged to meet someone at a bar in the city. I was only messing around on that dating website where Elle met Ben. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone. I haven’t even been single a year! But, he was nice. And cute. He asked to meet quite late, which I didn’t think much of. Anyway, I was waiting for him where he’d asked to meet and I was bored, so I rang Abi.’ She looked over and I nodded my head, encouraging her to carry on. ‘I can’t,’ she said, pulling in her top lip. ‘You tell it better than me,’ I smiled as she held on to my arm.

‘Well, I’m babysitting and get a call. She’s all, “I’m not sure about this and he seems a bit immature,” and “I know it’s not about the looks, but he has a strange stare to his eyes in his photos.” So, I’m trying to talk her into staying and I finally manage it when I hear “fuck” and a few muffled words before the phone goes dead.’ I paused for added effect and Gem dropped her head to the table.

‘Say it,’ Kate said, cupping her hands around her mouth while Elle cringed in her seat.

‘The guy behind the bar kept looking at me. I thought he was just listening in and, quite frankly, I was tired and a bit pissed, so I carried on talking. Then, he unfastened his apron from around his waist, walked over and said, “I’m just getting off shift now. Thanks for waiting. I’m your immature date with the strange stare.” I was mortified.’

‘Oh no. Didn’t you recognise him from his pictures?’ Kate asked, her hands still cupped around her mouth.

‘No, it was dark and I was well on my way to being tipsy. Plus his pictures must have been taken years ago. Very flattering in the eye bag department.’

‘Don’t let one bad experience put you off, Gem, really.’ Kate always tried to see the good in everything. I loved her naivety.

‘Oh, I didn’t,’ she replied. ‘Next one I got talking to lived in Scotland.’

‘Scotland? That’s totally pointless. How on earth could you meet each other for dates?’ Elle asked.

‘You need to set locations on your profile. Considering a match in Scotland is just barmy,’ Kate replied.

‘How romantic. Hold on while I set my mileage preference,’ she laughed.

‘What? It’s only like stating a preference for hair colour, height, or what your blood type is.’

‘Why would blood type be important?’ I asked, rolling my eyes so far to the side I imagined losing them under the table.

‘It might help you to find more of a match. What is your blood type?’ Kate asked, sticking her tongue out at me.

‘Fuck, I don’t care. Is that a type?’ She shook her head at my response. ‘Alcohol infused? Contains misery?’

‘Blimey, it must be negative,’ Kate deadpanned.

‘Someone’s full of it tonight. Just because you’ve got a boyfriend,’ Gem smiled. ‘Boom.’ She pretended to drop a hand grenade and we all turned to look at Kate as she dropped her eyes to her carbonara.

‘Whoa there,’ I gasped.

‘He’s not a boyfriend,’ Kate muttered. ‘He’s a man. I’ve met a man.’

I put my fingers on either side of my temples and started circling them. ‘I need to get this in and filter it through because I'm getting a bad case of I can’t believe fucking believe it. How come I don’t know this?’

‘I didn’t either,’ Elle said, fiddling with the coffee bean on her Tiffany necklace.

‘Why are you keeping half of your tribe out of the loop?’ I asked.

‘I’m not, honestly. It’s early days.’

Kate’s romantic history was a disaster zone. She seemed to have a knack for dating men who were about as interesting as a magazine subscription to The Most Barren Places to Fish. Her past boyfriends had something else in common. They all seemed to lack a virile sex drive.

‘What’s his name?’ I asked.

‘Steve. His name is Steve.’

‘When can I meet him?’

‘I’m not being funny, but you on your own is terrifying enough, but as a pack…’

‘How can you say that? Look how we’ve welcomed Ben into the group.’

‘We’ve only just met, and he’s very busy.’ She was making this up. I could tell by the stuttering and diverted gaze.

‘Busy doing what?’ I asked.

‘He’s very active in the community.’

‘What does that mean?’ I laughed. ‘Is he painting pensioners fences, or burgling their houses?’

She huffed a slow breath out of her nostrils. ‘Neither. He has an allotment at the back of the embankment where he grows prize winning vegetables.’

‘Wow, Kate, he sounds hot. I’m wet just thinking about him.’

‘He’s nice. Sometimes being nice counts for a lot, you know.’

I stole a piece of ham from her plate and watched as she took a huge intake of breath, releasing it with a shudder only I could feel sitting next to her. We all had our own stories and we all chose to tell each other what we were comfortable putting out there. Elle was a completely open book. Her life came spilling out because she needed the advice and support from her friends. Gem was similar but more negative than Elle, and her dry humour often soaked up the truth behind her words. Kate was a mystery to me. She always seemed so polished and together. I knew little about her life. She was adopted when she was a baby. She said she didn’t need to know what happened before; all she needed to know about was now and where she was heading.

I couldn’t help but wonder where I was heading. There was a time I thought I knew.

‘How about you, Abi?’ Kate asked.

‘Me?’

‘I know relationships aren’t your thing, but I haven’t heard any stories of conquests lately.’

‘I’m giving up. Relationships never work for me, and now one-night stands don’t either.’ I was met with uneasy silence. They either didn’t believe me or didn’t know what to say.

‘So, have you heard from him at all?’ Gem asked seriously. ‘Does your decision to stop shagging to get him out of your system have anything to do with it?’

‘I haven’t heard from him in nearly two years, so the whole shagging to get him out of my system is getting a bit old and tired. Much like me,’ I said, my voice going higher as I stopped the threat of tears dead in their tracks.

‘I never got it,’ Gem said.

‘Got what?’

‘The agreement you made to only write. I saw you together. You were tripping over hearts and engaged in love of the highest order. I heard you in the throes of passion; it sounded epic.’

‘Jesus, Gem. When was that?’

‘Remember when Jay thought I was having an affair with Jamie?’ Hearing Jamie’s name still stung, but it wasn’t a full body pain now; it was less intense, like the sting of a paper cut.

‘How could I forget? I’ve never seen a man so crestfallen. Him, not Jamie.’

‘Crestfallen? You must have confused it with indigestion,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Anyway, Jamie was so laid back he was horizontal. He had a sense of humour you could poke yourself with. So sharp,’ she said, turning to Kate, who had never met Jamie but had heard plenty about him. ‘He used to join us after work in the café and he would give me marriage guidance. Obviously it was a lost cause, but fucking hell, he should write a book.’

‘I’ll let him know. Oh, wait. I can’t. He hasn’t replied to my letters. Bastard.’ No one laughed. Even my attempts to make light of the situation were falling down the rabbit hole.

‘So what happened?’ Kate asked.

‘Well, Jamie typed his number into my phone when I told him I needed access to his advice twenty-four seven. Jay found the number, assumed the worst, and rang him.’ She was laughing remembering Jamie telling him he charged ten pounds an hour for his services and that he thought Jay could get a lot from him, just like his wife, totally winding him up and making it sound much worse than it was. ‘After an argument that would go down in history as the beginning of the end, I went to Abi’s flat, let myself in with the emergency key, and heard them going at it in the bedroom. I had to leave.’

‘And now I’m thinking about sex with Jamie. Thanks. Great friends. Brilliant,’ I said as I held up my hand to Carlo and shook my empty wine glass.

‘Was Jamie the original cockateer?’ Kate asked.

‘The original and the best.’