I wanted to be him when I grew up. He was exactly the type of social worker I dreamt of being. Treat them with dignity. Treat them with respect. I was pretty sure I had said the same words during a group discussion at uni.

He had no idea what he did to me. Every one of my senses was being stretched and pulled in different directions by this man. He was taking me by the hand and guiding me into a world I knew I would just fit, and that feeling was so breathtakingly amazing and completely new to me that I could feel it bursting through me. Professionally, I was climbing the mountain with the aid of a safety rope. A really strong, stunningly perfect safety rope. Jamie couldn’t get any sweeter even if he came gift wrapped and dipped in honey. But under all the sweetness, I could sense a burning flame with every movement, from the roll of his shoulder muscles to the definition of his fingers as he typed. Fuck, even his posture threw off waves of colossal sexual confidence. In other words, he was a saucebag—that I was sure of.

‘This family never let me in,’ he said as he pulled up the car and reached into the back for a present wrapped in pink paper. ‘But we have a responsibility. We need to see these kids.’

That amazing confidence of his didn’t falter as we walked up to the door. He passed on his gift before it was clear that our presence was not needed, and certainly not welcome. Five minutes later, we were back in the car on the way to the next home visit. I found myself constantly wondering if I would find a superhero suit under his clothes.

* * *

The initial assessment got off to a bad start. After lots of persuasion by Jamie involving conversations through the letterbox, she finally agreed to let us in. She admitted she was leaving her children for a few hours at a time in order to fulfil her shifts as a nurse at the local hospital. She struggled with childcare and felt like she had no option because she needed the money, but leaving them alone ripped her to shreds. I was able to talk to her about putting a plan in place to support her, looking at family members and friends, changing her shift patterns to fit in with school, but also getting the message across about how dangerous the situation was. Jamie praised me all the way back to the office. He seemed proud, overwhelmed by my capabilities and excited for where he thought my career could take me.

‘What have you learnt today?’

‘Never give up?’ I asked tentatively as I flipped open my notebook.

‘You need to be like a dog with a bone. Never. Give. Up. Don’t let it drop. Go back and go back again. No excuses. These kids need to be seen, so if you have to see them at home, school or through a letterbox, you do it.’

‘I want you to teach me how to be like you. Tell me everything. Don't leave anything out,’ I said, rushing my words to get them out.

‘I have a lot to teach. Can you handle it?’ I watched the rise and fall of his chest as he watched me.

‘I can handle it. Anything you give me, I can handle.’ I was breathless.

‘Are we still talking about social work?’ he asked, his smile curling.

‘You’re amazing,’ I said. I couldn’t keep it in. He had to know how he was making me feel.

We looked at each other and his face softened completely. He had a small collection of freckles running under his left eye just above the curve of his cheekbone. I felt my hand move towards them ready to touch each one individually with my fingertips, but then I remembered how inappropriate that would be—and fuck, I may have lacked grace and reasoning, but I knew when to control myself.

I could have sworn I saw a flash of disappointment across his face.

‘I’m not amazing.’ He blushed and pulled back. ‘I’ve just always wanted to do this right. Social work isn’t rocket science. You just treat every single client how you would want to be treated even if they’re telling you to go fuck yourself or threatening you with a knife. Just remember, they’re all people and they all deserve respect, even if you have to make some difficult decisions.’ He rested his elbow on the window and started rubbing his palm across the back of his neck. ‘Abi, you could be amazing. You are amazing. You’ve got this. It’s in your blood. Listen to your instincts. It’s all there. I’m not teaching you anything you wouldn’t have discovered for yourself.’

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the pull to touch him again. ‘Will you come with me after work? Cake and hot chocolate. My treat. I want to thank you for today.’

‘There’s no need. I hate to remind you, but it’s part of the job,’ he laughed.

‘Please,’ I replied, hoping he would say yes just so I could spend more time with him. Working hours just weren’t enough.

‘I’ll see.’

* * *

‘How many people am I meeting here?’ he asked as we walked through the door.

‘You know Elle, and that’s Gem.’ I pointed across the café to our usual spot. He waved to them but didn’t move until I looped my arm through his and walked us over.

‘Gem, I’d like you to meet Jamie, my practice tutor.’

Gem attempted to stand, but being heavily pregnant didn’t make for swift movement. Jamie spotted this immediately.

‘Oh God, don’t stand on my account. You need to sit.’

‘Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you,’ Gem said with a smirk as she pretended to look at the menu she knew well enough to recite.

‘Good day?’ Elle asked.

‘Great day, thanks. Oh, let me know how you get on with Luke. If your placement is as boring as I think it is, you can always join us on a visit next time,’ Jamie replied.

‘I’ll keep it in mind,’ she laughed shyly.

‘Guys, do you mind not talking shop today? I have bigger issues. No offence, Jamie.’ Gem directed her open hand towards him, which he responded to with a shrug.

‘What’s going on?’ Elle asked.

‘Please be honest and tell me if it’s my hormones. They’re raging because I’m about to push another human out of me.’ She rolled her hands across her stomach, unnecessarily pointing out her bump. ‘I swear to all that is holy, when he came home the other night, he smelled like sex.’

Jamie laughed loudly, making me jump.

‘Fucking hell. Warn me next time,’ I said as I clutched my chest.

‘I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed. I’m going to order something. Can I get you all a drink?’ We gave our orders to Jamie and he strode off towards the till.

‘He is a hot bit of stuff. I can see why you like him so much,’ Gem quickly said.

‘I knew it! How come Gem knows? Why didn’t you tell me?’ Elle said as she playfully hit me on the arm.

‘Quiet. He’ll hear you. You know I think he’s an amazing social worker,’ I said as Elle raised her eyebrow.

‘It’s more than that. You can’t hide your real feelings from me, Abi Sinclair!’

‘I’m only just trying to work out how I feel about him, so how would you know?’ I laughed.

‘She only told me the other night. I could almost hear her clit vibrate down the phone,’ Gem said.

‘It’s not like that.’

‘What? Wow. This I’ve got to hear. Abi Sinclair is discovering meaningful feelings.’ Gem and Elle both laughed as I looked over my shoulder to see where Jamie was. ‘I’m not sure what this is. All I know is that it feels good to be around him. So good. It’s felt that way from the minute we met.’

‘Our girl’s in love. Finally! And what a fine specimen she’s chosen,’ Gem said as she pulled my hand towards her.

‘He’s lovely, Abi. Such a nice guy,’ Elle said.

‘He’s amazing and wonderful and he just so happens to be fucking gorgeous,’ I replied with a smile.

‘Totally agree. How can you concentrate on your assignment dissertations, or whatever it is they’re called?’ Gem asked seriously.

‘It’s a challenge, but I’m pushing through.’

‘Well, here’s my advice. Admire from afar because all men do is fuck you over. And just when you think they’re done, they do it again for added effect.’ Gem was on a roll. She was also rubbing her back and shifting around uncomfortably in her seat.

‘You’re going to have this baby on the café table if you’re not careful. Calm down,’ I said.

‘It’s hard when the man you love comes home smelling like sex,’ she whisper-shouted through gritted teeth.

‘Oh Fuck,’ I sighed.

‘Ladies.’ Jamie set the tray down on the table, shaking his head as he did.

‘It was a bodily fluid kind of smell,’ Gem continued, oblivious to Jamie as he grimaced at her words. ‘You know, the bleachy smell and then the smell of—’

‘Fuck, Gem, you’ve only just met Jamie and now we’re talking sex smells and dodgy pussy,’ I laughed.

‘I didn’t mention dodgy pussy. That was you!’

‘I’m just taking it all in. This is the most fascinating conversation I’ve ever had the pleasure of being part of.’ He laughed lightly before half rolling his eyes. ‘It’s like I’m part of a secret society that every member of the male population has been trying fucking years to get into.’

‘Let’s take advantage of having a male’s perspective for a change,’ I said.

‘Brilliant. Yes! Answer truthfully. Have you ever cheated?’ Gem asked as she pulled her hair to the side and started plaiting it.

‘She’s tying her hair back; we’re about to get serious. This shit is going down.’ I laughed, but I was keen to hear his answer.

‘Never. Look at me. I’m too honest for my own good,’ he said, circling his finger around his face. ‘If I cheated, my stupid puppy dog eyes would give me away instantly.’

He was perfection, and his stubble stroke was fabulous. How could something so mundane be so utterly compelling? I was going to have to do some serious bum clenches to ease the ache to my nethers. I was so going to have an arse of steel when I left this placement.

‘No wedding ring. Single?’ Gem asked, tapping her finger to her mouth.

‘Very. I’m sitting in a café with three beautiful women. I’ve never been more in tune with my sexuality.’

‘Single, funny, hot. You’ve got a lot going for you. Why the fuck didn’t I meet you first?’ Gem said. Jamie laughed deeply, throwing his head back before dropping it forward into his hands. ‘Seriously,’ she said in a half-serious tone.

‘I’m sure there’s a couple of women who wouldn’t agree with that.’

‘Really? A couple, a few, or a heavy duty truck load?’ I asked.

‘Fucking hell. A few. I’m twenty-eight, you know. I’ve had my fair share of girlfriends, ’ he laughed, rubbing his jaw nervously.

‘This is the real test. Do you keep in touch with any of your exes?’ Gem asked.

‘My personal opinion, which you all seem so interested in, is that if two people who were lovers at one point remain friends, they’re either still in love with each other or they were never in love in the first place.’ We all stared at him, taking in the words, tumbling them around in our heads as we tried to make sense of them. It was like a relationship riddle that we all needed to find the answer to. ‘That’s made you all go quiet for the first time this evening,’ he laughed. ‘Gem, how long have you and your husband been together?’

‘We’ve been together since college. This is my second child.’

‘And you really think he’s cheating?’

‘I’m suspicious.’

‘Because?’

‘He works long hours and sometimes doesn’t come home until early in the morning.’

‘Gem, he’s always done that; he owns a restaurant,’ I added, trying to ground her before the first contraction hit.

‘That explains the lateness,’ he said simply.

‘He had a long brown hair on his shoulder,’ she said, pulling at her blonde plait as a visual clue.

‘That could be from anyone in the restaurant. He could have brushed past someone and it attached itself to his jacket,’ he replied.

‘Don’t stick up for him,’ she said before breaking out into a smile.

‘I’m just pointing out there are always two sides to every story.’

‘So what’s your advice? How can I repair the damage to my marriage.’

‘You’re a poet and you don’t know it,’ I smirked as Jamie pushed his shoulder into mine.

‘Be serious. This is your friend, right? How come you’re making jokes and I’m being asked for marriage guidance? Listen, you’ve been married three years with baby number two on the way. If I were him, I would be doing everything I could to help you out. I’d stop on the way home to bring you flowers, pick up your favourite cravings, and rub your feet until you fell asleep. If he isn’t doing any of those things, then the guy sounds like a total prick. Honestly, if the woman I loved was carrying my child, she would be the most important aspect of my life. I would fucking worship her.’ As Jamie talked, he alternated between stroking his hand across his stubble and animatedly moving his hands, somehow amplifying the importance of his words.

I watched Elle and Gem fall deeper in love with him the more he spoke. Elle was staring wistfully at him while Gem had her cheek resting on her hand, her head lopsided as she took in every word.

‘So what does a girl have to do to marry you then, Jamie? Asking for a friend.’ I smiled broadly.

As he turned to me, I could feel my heart beating through the fabric of my blouse. ‘We have to have similar interests and goals. She has to like coffee.’ He pushed my neglected cup towards me. ‘And a great sense of humour helps.’

‘Do you go for blondes or brunettes?’ Gem asked, staring between the two of us.

‘I like brunettes,’ he replied as he continued staring. I wrapped my hair around my finger and tried to count backwards in the hope I could regulate my breathing.

‘Really? Isn’t that amazing?’ she replied knowingly. ‘Abi, did you hear that?’

‘I heard.’ My voice shook. I decided it must have been the sound of my respiratory system collapsing.

‘But as much as I’m enjoying this chat, I’d really like some more advice. How can I rescue my marriage?’

‘You were friends first?’ he asked.

‘Yes, the best.’

‘You’ve got good grounding, Gem. Work on that.’

‘That’s true,’ she replied.

‘Tonight, do something out of the ordinary. Something he wouldn’t expect. Sleep naked together. It’s a great way to keep that intimacy, particularly after babies and children.’

We were enthralled. It was possible that we were all imagining naked bedtime with Jamie Dawson. ‘Then, in the morning, leave him a note telling him you’ll be thinking about him all day.’

Gem pushed her phone towards him. ‘I need your mobile number on speed dial. Now!’

‘Gem!’ I laughed.

‘What? He’s a fucking marriage whisperer. He should charge for his services. This man is a genius.’

‘What’s the time?’ I took his arm and held it up in front of me, studying the large silver face of his watch that sat on his wrist perfectly. ‘It’s half seven. The night is still young.’

‘What are you thinking?’ Elle asked.

‘Let’s go to a bar.’

‘On a school night?’

‘Just a dance. Nothing too risqué for you, Julie Andrews.’

‘I’m up for it. I have my car, so I’ll drop you all home afterwards,’ Jamie said, standing up and grabbing his coat. ‘Isn’t it Pete’s leaving do tonight?’

‘Yeah, leaving already. He only started a week after me,’ I said, completely perplexed as to why he would be leaving so soon.

‘Yeah, he hated it. Apparently he’s going to an adoption team in Brighton.’

Jamie held the door open for us and insisted we walk Gem to her car. When we reached his car, I started freshening up my make up in the sun visor mirror. I was still wearing black trousers, a pair of kitten heels and a blush pink blouse. I pulled out some gold earrings from my bag, unbuttoned my blouse by another two buttons, and brushed some bronzer across my cleavage. His eyes didn’t leave me once. I’d never felt more alive in the whole of my life.

‘Done?’ he asked quietly, like his voice had disappeared into the back of his mouth.

‘Yep. You ready, Elle’s bells?’

Elle made a noise to indicate she was good to go as she coated her lips in gloss.

Pete’s leaving do was at bar in the city. He was a rocker, so it wasn’t our normal kind of place to kick back in after a hard day at work. My heels stuck to the floor the longer I stood still. I ended up doing the shoe shuffle for most of the night, much to Jamie’s amusement. Elle was talking to her practice tutor, Luke, who I suspected she had a major crush on.

I was able to dance to most types of music, but the heavy guitars and strangled vocals made dancing to rock music a tough job. I laughed as I glanced over to our group looking so out of place. Jamie held up his beer as I danced with a huge bearded bloke wearing a Motorhead t-shirt, jeans, a denim waistcoat and a bandana around his head. I could talk to anyone, so we soon started to joke about our different music tastes. I made my excuses on a hug and walked over to the bar.

‘I’d usually go for a jug of Pimm’s, but give me a pint. I’m trying to blend in.’ I winked at the extensively pierced bartender dressed in black.

‘I get the feeling you’d never blend in,’ he said, returning the wink and banging the pint down in front of me, spilling it across the sides as I felt a hand on my back.

‘Hey, didn’t think you were coming.’ Ethan was a social worker who had only been working with us for a couple of weeks.

‘Hey! How’s things?’

‘Good. Better to see some more familiar faces. Until you and Jamie turned up, I didn’t really know anyone enough to talk to.’

‘You’ll get to know everyone soon enough. Throw in a few home visits and you’ll soon feel part of the team.’

‘I need to blend in,’ he laughed, making reference to the compliment from the bartender. ‘You’ve got yourself an admirer there. Make sure Jamie doesn’t find out.’

‘Sorry?’ I asked as I picked up my pint.

‘Jamie. You’re together, right?’

‘No, he’s my practice tutor,’ I said with slightly too much astonishment.

‘Oh, sorry, I just assumed. You get on really well and he can’t keep his eyes off you.’

Sure enough, as I looked over to Jamie, he was watching me. He smiled tightly when he caught my eyes. I laughed off the comment and made an excuse to get back to Elle, who was now gesturing to me with her head, meaning she was ready to go.

‘I hate to live up to my Julie Andrews persona, but it’s getting late,’ she shouted into my ear.

‘Does it have anything to do with the fact Luke has just left?’ She blushed and didn’t need to reply. I turned to Jamie, placing my hand on his shoulder as I leant in, my back arched on a shiver as he put his hand at the bottom of my spine. ‘Do you mind dropping us home after these? Elle’s ready to go.’

‘Course not. I said I would.’ His breath swirled across the sensitive skin underneath my ear making it feel like a thousand fingertips were stroking me.

‘Ethan thinks we’re here together.’

‘Aren’t we?’ he asked, placing his hand on my hip.

‘No, I meant as a couple.’

I could feel the warmth of his body as he said, ‘I knew what you meant.’

Before I could respond, Elle pulled on my hand to follow her to the bathroom. I walked backwards, my eyes never leaving Jamie’s as we both pulled in a deep breath.

‘I’ve brought you here to talk to you seriously,’ Elle said as she checked her eye make up in the mirror. ‘I saw the two of you today. I witnessed the spark. You like him and it’s clear he likes you.’

‘How do you know he likes me?’ I asked, desperate to hear her assessment.

‘Pass me a knife. I need to cut the sexual tension.’

‘Fuck!’ I laughed. ‘If you think that, it must be obvious!’

‘Virgins are not immune to sexual desire, you know.’

‘I appreciate the concern, but I really don’t want to ruin anything. He’s my practice tutor and it’s my final placement.’

‘You’ll sail through.’

‘Maybe, but let’s just say I take him home tonight, fuck him until he can’t remember his name, and then what? Imagine how awkward it would be.’

‘This is more. If all you wanted to do was sleep with him, you’d have done it by now. Maybe Gem’s right; the feelings you’re so unfamiliar with because you’ve tucked them away for so long are finally starting to creep out.’ As Elle smiled, I thought about my next sentence knowing it would change things once it was out in the open.

‘I like him.’ Deep breath. ‘A lot. More than a lot.’ She clapped her hands together. ‘Wait! Taking it further could really fuck it up.’

‘This is big, Abi!’

‘Really big,’ I said, catching my lip under my teeth.

‘I can’t remember the last time you let feelings run loose.’

‘That’s because I’ve never had feelings like this before,’ I replied, letting the smile out.

‘How do you feel?’

‘I feel…connected.’ It was true; Jamie Dawson was invading me. ‘I feel safe with him, and that scares and excites me so fucking much!’

‘Have you told him?’

‘No! Shit! Of course not,’ I laughed.

‘I think he may know,’ she replied in a singsong fashion.

‘Oh God, what’s happening to me? The other day, I was shadowing him on a contact visit. I watched him carry a three-year-old boy to the car. Fuck, it did things to my insides. Delicious things. An ovary may have popped.’

‘Wow.’

‘He’s this wonderful mix of everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I didn’t know I wanted. He makes me laugh, he’s smart, he’s so good at what he does, and I could look at him forever. I sometimes do.’

‘Calm down!’ she laughed.

‘Fuck! I don’t know what to do with all of this.’ I started pacing. Elle stopped me and stroked her hand across my back. She couldn’t hide her smile.

‘Tell him how you’re feeling.’

I leant over the sink and took a deep breath. ‘But there are so many feelings, Elle. Where do I even start?’

* * *

After we dropped Elle at her place, Jamie drove me to my flat in silence. Occasionally, I felt him looking at me, but when I turned to him, his eyes were fixed on the road ahead.

‘So, I feel I know you a little better after tonight. Here’s what I’ve picked up so far. You’re training to be a social worker,’ he said, eventually breaking the silence

‘That’s a given. Not impressed.’

‘Hold on. I also know Elle is your best friend and Gem’s a good friend too.’ I rolled my eyes lazily.

‘Amazing skills of observation.’

‘I also know you like good chocolate cake despite swimming every morning before work, looking after your body and eating well at all other times. You obviously work off the extra calories by dancing until you get thrown out of a club.’

‘Pretty accurate, Dawson.’

‘Tell me what else I need to know.’

‘Well, I’m an only child.’

‘Me too,’ he smiled in response to the rubbish details I was throwing his way.

‘And I may appear to look after my body, but I do like cake. And alcohol. And eating out. Preferably Italian, which is all the carbs, so not great for the muffin top,’ I said, patting my stomach.

He looked down and smiled. ‘That’s a non-existent muffin top you’ve just patted there.’

‘You could make a better assessment if you had the privilege of seeing me naked.’

He carried on looking ahead, but I still noticed the smirk.

‘Anywhere here is fine.’ As he pulled up outside the entrance, I began to wonder how we would end the night. It felt exciting, like we were at the start of something big.

‘Night. I’ll see you tomorrow,’ he said, banging on the steering wheel with his fingers.

We sat in silence until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

‘Are we counting this as a first date then?’ I asked cheekily.

‘Bit of a shit date,’ he laughed.

‘Thanks!’

‘No, I meant I wasn’t aware we were on a date. If I was, I would have tried to get some time alone instead of spending it with mates and colleagues.’

‘Maybe next time.’

‘Maybe,’ he smiled.

I wanted to invite him in, but I knew sex would be the obvious outcome and sex would only complicate things.

I got out of the car and tapped on his window. He pulled it down, allowing me to lean in. My bravado puffed out its chest. I couldn’t help myself. ‘I don't want you to think I didn't want you to fuck me tonight, but as it’s not an official first date, I didn’t feel it was appropriate to invite you in. Plus I'm really not that kind of girl.’

He laughed loudly, pressing the back of his head to the headrest then dropping it quickly. I stood back, allowing him to lazily drop his gaze across my body. ‘Come back tomorrow and we’ll see.’ I winked dramatically and smiled as I backed towards my door. His car stayed at the side of the road, the window still down, his hand tapping the steering wheel. He looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t quite make it.

He stayed smiling at the side of the road until I disappeared inside.