I thought she was going to back away from me when I reached out to her belly. I’ve been gone for weeks, and I’ve already missed so much. It’s such a weird feeling, being so far away from someone but feeling so connected to them at the same time. She’s the one carrying them, and I’ve only seen scan pictures, but I already know these two in here are going to rule my life—along with their mother, of course.

I never wanted kids. I never wanted to get the chance to find out if I would be like her or not. I’m still petrified that old habits will resurface when things get tough, but I’m getting more and more convinced that with Lilly by my side, those things won’t happen. She seems, rightly or wrongly, to have faith in me, so I need to have some in myself. I can be a good man for her and I can be a good father to my children, I tell myself.

“Whoa, what was that?” I ask when I feel something weird beneath my palm. It’s kind of like a flutter of a butterfly wing against my skin.

“They’re kicking. Give me your other hand.” I lift my arm and she directs my hand to the right spot and presses down.

“Oh my God, that’s incredible. How long have they been doing that?”

“It’s only this week I’ve been able to feel it with my hand. Before that, it kind of felt like I kept getting a sudden belt of nerves. It’s quite early to feel them but it’s more common with twins and the consultant said they are already a good size, so getting a little squished up in there.”

I can’t help the wide smile that stretches across my face as I think about my babies already fighting with each other in there like Marcus and I used to do.

“Have you bought anything yet?”

“No. Everyone has tried to get me out shopping but I’ve been holding off. I think I was holding out hope that their father might reappear and we could do it together.”

“Let’s go then,” I say, before finishing my coffee and standing up.

“Could I eat this first?” Lilly asks, looking longingly at the muffin. It’s a nice change to see her wanting to eat.

“Sorry, of course.”

“I have to eat every two hours, otherwise it’s like I’m starving.”

“Tell me what symptoms you’ve had. Any morning sickness? Any cravings?”

I sit and listen like it’s the most important information in the world as Lilly explains about the weeks I’ve missed. When she’s finished her muffin, we walk out together. Just like I hoped we would.

We spend the afternoon visiting every baby shop I can find in the area. I’ve spent hours online looking at everything they’re going to need, much to Lilly’s surprise. I don’t think she’s done the same; she’s been putting it all off. To be fair though, she had enough other stuff to deal with, along with growing them.

“I’ve got a shortlist of three double buggies I thought might be good,” I admit when we stop in another coffee shop to feed Lilly again. I never thought I’d see her eat like this.

“What?” she asks around a mouthful of cheese sandwich.

“I have a shortlist—”

“That’s what I thought you said. You really do want to be involved with this, don’t you?” The fact she still doubts me stings a little, but it’s only what I deserve.

“Yes. The first few minutes after finding out were a little weird, but I’ve known all along that I wanted this—them—with you. It was my shit I couldn’t cope with. It wasn’t because I didn’t want them.

By the time we get back to Lilly’s flat, we are loaded down with stuff, most of which I never in a million years thought I’d buy. We ordered a pushchair after discussing each one’s pros and cons over a coffee and decaf tea together, and then again with the sales assistant. Because we know the sex of the babies, we were able to have the fabric parts the correct colour, so one half is baby pink and cream and the other baby blue. For something I never thought I’d buy, let alone research, it’s safe to say I’m pretty excited about it, much to Lilly’s amusement.

I don’t know about her, but spending time together this afternoon has been like the last few weeks never happened. It’s safe to say I’m brought back to earth with a bump when we unload the shopping at Lilly’s building and she hesitates when I go to help her up.

“Let me just carry it all up. I can leave it in your living room if you don’t want me there.”

I hate myself again for the pain I’ve caused her. The sight of her confusion as to whether she should allow me in or not guts me.

“Okay, thank you,” she says quietly.

Once everything is up, we stand looking at each other awkwardly for a few minutes. I desperately want to pull her into my arms but I know I need to take my cues from her, and her body language is currently telling me to stay away.

“Thank you for allowing me today. I really appreciate it. When can I see you again?”

“I don’t know, Luc. It’s going to take time.”

“I understand,” I say sadly, because I do. It doesn’t mean it’s what I want, though.

“I’ll call you. We still need to choose furniture.”

This is true. We looked today, but Lilly, being an interior designer, wanted to do more research to get the room perfect. I was glad of this because if my plans for her work the way I’m hoping, Taylor’s old room will never be a nursery.

I give Lilly a gentle kiss on the cheek before walking away. Just like the last time I walked away from this building, my heart stays with her.

* * *

I hear nothing from Lilly for days. Well that’s not entirely true. I text her every day, at least once, and she does reply when I ask if she and the babies are okay. She’s yet to arrange a time for us to get together again though. To say I’m getting impatient would be an understatement. I’ve already missed so much and I desperately want to experience the rest of her pregnancy with her.

By Friday afternoon, I’ve had enough of her elusive messages and decide that as soon as my final meeting with my boring interior designer is over, I’m heading to her flat. I need to talk to her, and the longer we are apart, the easier I fear it is for her to ignore me. I need to show I’m here to stay this time and that I want her.

Everything looks normal when I arrive and I’m thrilled to find Lilly’s elderly neighbour by the entrance to the building again. She’s slightly more pleasant to me this time and tells me how Lilly allowed her to come and look at all the stuff we bought. It thrills me that Lilly must have said some good things about me, because she allows me to enter the building with her.

I wish her a good evening before stepping out of the lift onto Lilly’s floor.

The door is wide open.

That really isn’t like her. I may have only been here a few times, but I’ve noticed she’s obsessive with making sure it’s shut and locked.

I pick up my pace and head towards the doorway. When I step in and see what’s going on in front of me, I swear my life flashes before my eyes.

I know I should have arranged to see Lucas again, but I keep putting it off. I tried to tell myself that I hated him when he left and that I’d never forgive him, but in one afternoon, all my previous feelings I thought I’d banished came flooding back. It was clear I was still in love with him, and now I’m carrying his babies I swear it’s only stronger.

Shopping with him for baby stuff wasn’t like I imagined it would be because I thought he’d be walking around completely clueless. I was not expecting him to already know which breast pump was rated the best by other mums, or that you could get a machine that made perfect bottles ready to drink every time. It seemed he used the time he was away very effectively when it came to baby stuff. It warmed my heart that he didn’t go because he didn’t want us, but at the same time I hate that we couldn’t have found all that stuff out together.

Getting him to leave when he brought up all the stuff was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done. Every fibre of my being was screaming at me to let him stay, but I knew it wouldn’t be helpful in the long run. Before I let him back in properly, I need to be 100% convinced he’s not going to freak out and leave again. And that includes having him open up about his past, no matter how painful that will be for him. I also need to tell him about Jake and how I got to this point in my life as well.

I spend Friday morning with Emma, Connie and Noah at my flat, and by the time they leave, I’d decide I’ve put off calling him long enough.

I’ve psyched myself up so much with what I want to say to him that when it goes to voicemail, a huge ball of disappointment hangs heavy in my stomach. I’ve been in a weird mood all day. I guess it’s just pregnancy stuff.

I’ve just put my phone down when someone starts knocking. It’s very unusual that anyone knocks before buzzing up from the main door, but the first thing that pops into my head is that Taylor has come back for the weekend. He’s been promising he’d visit, and knowing he still has his keys so he could get in if I wasn’t here has me convinced it’s him.

I rush over to the door and pull it open as I announce, “I’ve missed you,” and hold my arms open. But instead of large strong arms wrapping around me, I feel a pair of hands push harshly at my shoulders, making me fall to the floor with a thud.

My eyes blur with tears as a bolt of pain goes up my back. It’s not until he’s in my face that I realise who it is.

Jake.

“Good afternoon, Lilly Lou,” he snarls.

I start to scrabble away from him but he stalks forward. He looks menacing, glaring down at me from his full height. I’m aware of how vulnerable I am, so I fight to get back on my feet. When I manage it, I’m aware that he’s backed me into a corner.

I look around frantically for a weapon but there is nothing close enough to grab. His eyes look exactly like the last time I saw them: glazed, absent and dangerous.

“Wha…what do you want, Jake?”

“You, Lilly. Always you. I’ve given you time. Enough to realise you still love me.”

I’m totally lost for words. If I argue and say I don’t love him, it’s going to hurt, I know it. But I also don’t want to pretend. I never want to back down to him.

“Fuck you,” I whisper.

His head snaps back at my rare use of the word.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard. Just leave me alone. You’ve already caused me enough damage.”

“See, I would have left you alone but it seems you’ve found yourself a replacement and I can’t have that. Either I have you, or no one does.”

“Ow,” I complain when he reaches behind, grabs a handful of my hair and pulls so my head snaps back.

“You’re mine, Lilly, and it’s time we showed your new man who you belong to.” He pulls harder. It feels like thousands of needles being pressed into my scalp. “Phone him now. End it,” he demands as he shoves my phone into my chest.

“No.”

“It wasn’t a choice, Lilly. Do it now.”

“No,” I repeat, although it doesn’t have the same strength behind it this time. His eyes are getting angrier and it makes me more and more aware of how serious this is. He left me for dead last time, but it was only me then. Now, I’ve got more to worry about. I’ve got my babies. The thought makes me wrap my arms around my middle. Jake sees the move though, and his eyes almost pop out of his head as he takes in my protruding stomach. He obviously hasn’t been watching me that closely.

“YOU WHORE,” he bellows as his hand connects with my cheek. The force of the hit sends me crashing down to the ground. I cry out in pain as my head connects with the oak flooring.

His hands grasp my upper arms harshly and he drags me back on to my feet.

“You’re mine. You’re mine. You’re mine,” he chants at me. His eyes have no focus and his hands shake as they hold me.

“Let me go, Jake. We’ll talk,” I say softly, in the hope he’ll be able to see some sense in his drugged-up state.

“Never,” he growls before he releases me. It’s only for a second though, because one hand grabs me around the neck and squeezes.

He stares at me with an evil smirk on his face as everything around me starts to get a little hazy. The last thing I remember thinking again is that I don’t want to die with him being the last thing I see.

I’m aware of a noise. It sounds like a wild animal. Wait, where am I?

Suddenly, the pressure around my neck is gone. My legs are unable to hold me up and I crumble to the ground. One hand goes to my neck while the other holds my belly.

I hear something metal clatter against the floor, and when I look up, I see a knife skidding across the living room.

My eyes snap up in the direction it came from, and my breath catches in my throat at the sight.

Jake’s broken body is cowering in the corner of the kitchen with a very pumped up and angry looking Lucas staring down at him.

Lucas says something to Jake but his voice is so menacingly low that I only catch the end. “The next time I see you, it will be your last.” A shiver runs through me.

I watch in a daze as Lucas drags Jake’s passed out body from the flat and, I presume, the building because he’s gone for a few minutes.

I sag back against the wall and the sudden silence allows me to relive what just happened. My entire body begins to shake with my sobs. I wrap my arms around my belly and rock back and forth.

I thought he’d gone. I thought Dec and Taylor sorted it.

The sound of heavy footsteps heading my way has my body on alert again. When I look up and see a familiar suited figure running towards me, my sobs reignite again.

“Fuck, Lilly,” Lucas whispers as he pulls me up from the floor and cradles me in his arms. He walks us over to the sofa and sits with me across his lap. He holds me a little too tightly but I don’t complain, I’m just glad it’s over.

Eventually, I need to move, because not only is my head pounding but my throat is throbbing, along with every muscle in my body.

“No,” Lucas whispers. “I’m not ready. Fuck, Lilly. I’ve seen some crazy shit but that was by far the worst. When I saw him with that knife pulled back, I thought I was going to lose all of you.”

When I look up at him, a huge lump forms in my throat. My dominant and ruthless businessman is on the verge of tears.

“I’m okay,” I whisper, because it’s all I can manage.

His arms wrap back around me and he holds me for a long time. Eventually though, the pain gets too much and I have to do something. “Lucas, please could you get me some painkillers and a drink?”

“What’s wrong?” I turn to look at him face on and the blood drains from his face. “MOTHERFUCKER,” he shouts as his hand comes up to my temple. It’s throbbing where it collided with the floor, so I can only imagine what it looks like.

“It’s fine,” I say, trying to ease his worry.

“No, it’s fucking not, Lilly. He put his hands on you. He hurt you. He was going to…” It’s then that I see the realisation hit him. “Son of a bitch,” he says quietly as he shakes his head from side to side. “Please tell me this is the first time this has happened.” When I don’t speak up, I feel his body shake beneath me as the anger washes through him.

Lucas gently puts me down on the sofa before standing. He begins pacing the length of the living room. His hands go through his hair, and he rubs them over his face before running them through his hair again. When they come back to his sides, they clench and unclench. His chest is heaving and his eyes are dark with anger. If I didn’t know him so well, I think I’d be scared, but I know he won’t hurt me. His anger is reserved for Jake. What I am scared of though, I realise as I sit and watch him, is what he’s going to do about it. Right now, he doesn’t look like a man who’s going to let this go easy.

“We should ring the police,” I say, realising that if I dealt with it properly the first time, this wouldn’t have happened.

“That won’t be necessary. He’s never going to get the chance to get his hands on you ever again.”

“Lucas,” I say, standing and walking over to him. “Promise me you’re not going to put yourself in any danger.”

“You just worry about yourself and these two,” he says, putting both his large hands on my belly. I want to argue but the look in his eyes stop me. They are still a little wet, but the dark anger has transformed into a soft concerned and protective look. It’s not a look I can argue with.

Lucas must see my legs start to get weak as we stand and stare at each other, because he lifts me and moves me back to the sofa. No words were exchanged out loud as we stood there but many were spoken silently. Promises were made and apologies were accepted.

“Let me look after you,” he says when he has me settled. “Where are your painkillers?”

“Bathroom cabinet. I can’t have ibro—”

“Ibroprofen,” he finishes for me. “I know. Paracetamol only.”

It’s like my entire body smiles at his words as I’m reminded of what he spent his time doing when he was away.

After a few minutes, he returns with a box of tablets. He grabs a glass from the kitchen and fills it with water before handing me both.

“I’m running you a bath. Not too hot,” he adds when he sees my mouth open to say something, although commenting on the temperature of a pregnant woman’s bath was the last thing on my mind.

“Thank you, that sounds perfect.”

“I should warn you, I’m not leaving you though. You could have concussion.”

Even if I wanted to, I don’t have the energy in me to disagree. “Okay,” I mutter, much to Lucas’ surprise.

Once the glass is empty, Lucas holds onto my waist and together we walk to the bathroom. He helps me pull my maxi dress off, but thankfully allows me to take control of my underwear. I keep my back to him, painfully aware that my body has changed so much since the last time he saw it.

“Lilly. Please let me see you.” I might have refused if his voice wasn’t so sad.

Slowly, I turn towards him, anxious as to what he’ll think about my new lumps and bumps. Not only is my belly growing at a rapid rate, but my hips are wider and my boobs bigger.

I stand, squirming a little as he runs his eyes from the top of my head to my toes and back again. They finally come to rest on my belly.

“You’re growing our babies, Lilly,” he says, like it’s only just occurred to him. “There are literally two whole people inside you right now. Two heads, two hearts, four arms and four legs.” He stops in thought for a second. “Twenty fingers and twenty toes.” The look on his face is one I’ll never forget. The admiration of what I’m doing is written all over his face and it causes warmth to spread through my entire body. You’d think I was the only woman to ever be pregnant with the way he’s looking at me.

Once Lucas has had his fill, he helps me into the bath. There is a heat in his eyes that I recognise and I’m unbelievably grateful it’s still there. I had no idea what he would think of me now, but he actually looks even more excited by my body—evidenced by his need to rearrange himself after he’s helped lower me into the water.

“Everything okay?” I ask with a smile as I watch him. He may have his back to me, but it’s pretty obvious what he’s doing.

“Yeah. I’m better than I have been in a long time,” he admits, looking over his shoulder at me. When he sees my smirk, he laughs in understanding. “Was it that obvious?”

I relax back with a laugh surrounded by bubbles as Lucas pulls his tie off and undoes the top few buttons of his shirt before sitting himself down on the closed toilet seat. I know he’s itching to ask for more information about Jake, and I will give it to him, just not right this minute. I need the peace and tranquillity he’s offering me right now.

* * *

“Do you want a drink?” I ask Lucas once I’m dressed.

“Sure.”

Presuming he doesn’t mean a soft one after the evening of this evening, I pull out a bottle of whiskey I bought for him before he disappeared. I pour him a generous amount before taking it through with a glass of water for myself.

“Thank you. I-” he begins to say something but I cut him off. It’s now or never.

Lucas sits and listens as I pretty much relay the story I told to my mum a few weeks ago about Jake. Fair play to him because he sits and listens even as his anger increases.

“Declan and Taylor didn’t do a very good job,” is all he says when I’ve finished, and I can’t help but agree with him. “He won’t bother you again.”

“Lucas, I’m serious, do not put yourself in any danger.”

“Don’t worry, Lilly. Everything will be fine.”

“Okay,” I mutter, feeling like it will be anything but. “Your turn,” I say. He must know what I mean, because he necks his remaining whiskey before squaring his shoulders and looking straight ahead at the black TV screen.

“My mother was a druggie. She wasn’t fussy—if she could get her hands on it, she would use it. I don’t know if she was always like that or if something started it when I was young. All I know is that she was like it from my earliest memory. She used to promise us she’d get clean and when I was young I believed her like the naïve kid I was. It was never going to happen though. She was just about as addicted as anyone could get.

“Her priority was drugs. It wasn’t me or Marcus. It wasn’t putting food on the table or making sure we had clothes to wear.

“She would go out on a bender and leave us alone in the shithole of a flat we lived in with no heating, no food and nothing to do. We had no TV, no radio, no toys. Nothing.

“She would bring random men back. We had no idea what they were doing; we were too young to understand in the beginning but as I got older it became obvious.

“She would give us the odd bit of money to keep us going but nowhere near enough. She would always give us plenty though when we were sent to meet one of her friends to pick up supplies for her. I was always more than happy to go because more often than not there were a few pennies left over that I could save to put towards stuff Marcus and I needed.”

“Jesus, Lucas.” I don’t know what else to say. I had kind of presumed some of this, but not to that extent. I guess growing up with a loving family shields you from the reality of others’ lives.

“This one guy that used to come around was horrible. He was huge with greasy long hair and practically black eyes. His hands were always disgusting. I remember the stains on them and the blackness under his nails. Unfortunately, the reason I know that is because they were often flying towards me.” I suck in a breath at his words. As if life wasn’t bad enough.

“If he wasn’t wasted, he was going at either my mother or me. I managed to keep him off Marcus. He was only ten at the time. I used to lock Marcus in our bedroom when I knew it was coming. I could read his moods well.

“Anyway, one day he really went to town. I don’t know what upset him that day or what my mother or I had done wrong but I swear he was going to kill me. He was getting on a bit and wasn’t exactly in good shape. I knew from past experiences he used to wear himself out pretty quickly, so I bided my time and eventually my chance came. He bent over at the waist and put his hands on his knees while he wheezed out some breaths. I broke my eye contact with him and grabbed the ashtray on the coffee table. I pulled my arm back and with as much force as my tiny thirteen-year-old body could muster, I hit him in the head. Then, I ran.

“I ran as fast and as long as I could. When I felt I was going to pass out from the exertion—bear in mind I probably hadn’t eaten in days—I turned into a building. I had no idea what it was; I just hoped I could hide until I got my breath back. What I didn’t expect was that I’d run straight into a man in a suit.”

“Christopher?” I guess, and it must be correct because Lucas nods.

“He took me to his office and attempted to clean me up. I must have looked a fucking mess. Then, he did the most amazing thing. He called the kitchen and ordered me a three-course meal. That was the best fucking food I’ve ever tasted.

“A long story and a few foster homes later, and Christopher and Elaine finally got approved to adopt me. Elaine told me that she knew I’d run into their lives that day for a reason, and she wasn’t taking no for an answer. Fair play to them, because I’m not sure I would have wanted to adopt me. They must have known they were in for a world of pain.”

“Why would you say that?”

“No kid who has grown up in squalor like that suddenly accepts a nice life. It never happens.”

“Oh,” I say, because I’ve never really thought about it.

“Once I was looking and feeling better, they enrolled me into the local secondary school. I hated it. I was the outcast from the bad side of town. I isolated myself and eventually found myself befriending another outcast called Nathan. I’d see him trying to hide the same bruises I used to. We never talked about it, but I knew what he was going through.

“We both already smoked but it wasn’t long before the standard cigarettes were accompanied by weed. I’d always told myself I would never touch the stuff as a kid, but being a teenager was different. By the time we were fifteen, we were looking for the next thing and cocaine somehow fell into our laps. By the time we’d finished school and failed everything, we were addicted. We’d talked for years about going to London once we were free and at the first opportunity we had, we went. My parents were horrified and tried to get me back. They even came and got me a few times, but it always failed.

“Nathan and I had fallen further and further into the pits of hell. He had already started shooting up heroin, and if I’m honest I was only days away from starting as well. We made money dealing, and we lived in squats, whether they were empty flats or abandoned warehouses.

“I had no idea until it was too late that Nathan had been dealing for different people. A gang. A well known gang that was notorious for giving young lads a load of gear with promises of thousands of pounds, but the whole thing was always a set up. If I’d have known…”

I reach over and take Lucas’ hand in mine, though I’m pretty sure he’s so lost in his memories he doesn’t even feel it.

“He convinced me to go with him but it got ugly. Really ugly. One minute we were being jumped by a load of guys, and the next I was waking up in hospital with my parents looking down on me, grief stricken.

“Nathan was dead and I had been very close.”

I suck in another breath at his words, but remain silent.

“They brought me home, helped me get clean, and my dad stupidly handed me the company to keep me busy. It was a huge fucking risk, but one that worked. I think he knew me better than I knew myself back then.

“If Nathan hadn’t have died, I don’t think it would have worked. We would have ended up back there, but the next time something like that happened, we probably would have both ended up dead.”

After his admission about his past, Lucas takes my hand and gently pulls me to my bedroom. He pulls the covers down and encourages me to get in. He strips down to his boxers and sits on the edge.

“Is that what the scars are from?” I whisper.

“Yes.”

“And the tattoo? A phoenix is a bird of freedom, right?”

“Yes. I got it after I got clean. It’s freedom from all the shit of my past. A reminder of why I can’t lose myself again. I have her addictive personality, Lilly. I have to fight not to drown and I know I’m going to be fighting until the day I die. When I found out you were pregnant, all I could see was her and the pain she caused me and Marcus. I’m so scared to become that.”

“You are not her, Luc,” I say as I curl into his side once he’s laying down. “You are so much more than that.”

“I pray you’re right, Lilly. I would never want you or our babies to experience what I did.”

His disappearance makes even more sense to me. I’m still angry that he did it, that by trying to get himself together he hurt me anyway, but I don’t bring that up. I ask another question that’s been bothering me. “What happened to Marcus?”

“I don’t know. It haunts me every day that I left him in that shithole with them. I’ve been too ashamed to find him,” he admits.

“Would you like to? Find him, that is.”

“Maybe one day.”

That is the last either of us speak. We just lie there in each other’s arms until we drift off to sleep.