Chapter 17
Rayne
After setting the water to boil and bringing Vaughn a beer, I take out some chicken, spinach, and tomatoes. As I prep the ingredients, I begin to get lost in my love of cooking. My mother always told me, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I may not be the best at this whole relationship thing, but if I can win Vaughn over with carbs, I won’t be mad about it.
He came over at the exact right time because I was just about to go crazy. All I needed was one picture. Just one. And when Kristen asked me, I almost said no. But this afternoon was difficult for her, and I didn’t want to disappoint her.
The few hours I was with her and Aaron were awkward. The couple I’d seen just days prior—insistent that everyone needed to move on with their lives—were nothing but a wreck today. It was as if being inside a funeral home transformed them to different people. It reminded me of how they used to treat me when Bryan was alive.
Aaron sat in a chair, not speaking a word much of the time. When he did talk, it was short and mean. Kristen just cried and told me to make the decisions because she couldn’t bear to do it.
While I understood their sorrow, I didn’t think it was my place. I loved Bryan, I did. He was a good boyfriend and a great son. But truth be told, we were together the same amount of time he was missing.
If I’m discovering anything about myself through being with Vaughn, it’s that I was truly in love with the idea of what I wanted Bryan and me to have. My guilt for wanting to move on was a shackle. But the chain breaks away more every day, and eventually, I’ll be free of the hold it once had on me.
The water almost boils over, but I quickly blow on the bubbles before they spill over the edge. I time it perfectly so everything finishes at the same time, and begin plating the food.
“Can you set up the TV trays?” I walk into the living room with a plate in each hand but come to a halt when I see Vaughn sleeping.
I backtrack, set the dishes on the countertop in the kitchen, and then tiptoe to the hallway closet to get a blanket. I look down at him and smile. He looks so peaceful. I take in the faint wrinkles around his eyes and the tattoo on his forearm. Holy shit, he got a new tattoo.
Leaning over to get a closer view, I realize how fresh it must be. I study the characters and wonder what they mean. My feet slip on a magazine sticking out, and I try to catch myself but end up landing on top of Vaughn. He grunts and cages me in with his quick reflexes.
“Sorry,” I whisper and try to push up.
He bands his arms tighter. “Best way to wake up ever.”
Unable to resist anymore, I lower my head and kiss him. His mouth works against mine, and I twine my hands through his thick head of hair, holding him where I want him. I slide my tongue down his neck and suck on it before gently nipping and then sitting up.
He looks so damn good, and his rumpled hair reminds me of what he looked like after we had sex. Phenomenal sex. “I’m sorry. It’s just . . .” I trail off and glance over at the box I packed up less than an hour ago.
His focus shifts from me to the box then back to me, and his lips, his soft, kissable lips, flatten in a hard line before he sits up. “It’s all good.”
“Food’s ready.” I get up and grab two TV trays. While he sets them up, I bring the food in.
As we eat dinner together, I find myself stupidly excited that this is what my future might look like.
* * *
We’ve decided to have a memorial service for Bryan. I picked out the urn, the flowers, and the music. I made the menu for the buffet where everyone would go after the service. Much to the disappointment of Aaron and Kristen, I didn’t make the food on my own. But after I explained several times that I didn’t have the time, they finally just told me to do whatever the hell I wanted.
I didn’t ask Vaughn to come. Not only would it have been awkward for me, but it would have also been uncomfortable for him. When I told that to Vaughn, he said, “I don’t give a shit how uncomfortable it would make me. If you wanted me there, I’d be there.”
I sat next to Kristen and stared at the floor the entire time. Friends from high school I hadn’t seen in years hugged me and acted as if they gave a shit. My parents sat next to Kennedy and Brad two rows behind me. His parents each got up and spoke a few words about him, and when they finished, I felt eyes on me. As much as I wanted to get up and talk about him, I couldn’t.
What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t already said or everyone didn’t know about him.
When everyone begins walking out of the funeral home, I head in the opposite direction and make my way to the back. The red EXIT sign shines like a beacon of light, and I push the door open. Cold November air hits me in the face and burns when it hits my lungs.
I just need a minute. I lean against the wall and close my eyes. I’ve been dreading this day for two years, but I’ve been looking forward to it as well. The unknown is what tore me up so badly, but now, I know. And now, I can finally move on. I can breathe.
My hair snags against the brick wall, but it doesn’t even hurt. I send a text to my mom and to Kristen telling them I’m not going to eat. I’m done. This part of my life is over, and I can’t anymore . . . I just can’t.
Since I was here early, my car is parked right by the front door. I walk around the building and see a bunch of people still standing around. Even though I’m outside in the fresh air, the need to get out of this place is suffocating. I get my keys in my hand, put my head down, and hurry to my car. As I’m unlocking it, someone calls my name, but I ignore them as I get in and slam my door shut. I start the engine and reverse out of my spot
I park on the street and am out and walking to Vaughn’s door in a matter of seconds. Just as I’m about to close the door leading to the sidewalk, yelling makes me pause. Vaughn is arguing with someone, and he sounds really, really pissed off.
Not sure if I should be listening but also worried about him, I decide to stay still. I can’t make out the words, but he’s definitely pissed.
The sound of glass breaking makes me jump, and without thinking, I rush up the stairs. His door is cracked open, and I stand outside of it listening.
“What the hell do you want me to do with this shit?” Vaughn asks.
“I’m just puttin’ you on notice, brother. I ain’t got a dog in this fight, but since you’re back in town, I thought I’d share.”
“Fuck. Fuck!”
I step fully inside. The floorboard creaks and an arm wraps around my neck.
“Jesus.” Vaughn rushes toward me. “That’s my girl. Let her go.”
I’ve never been so scared that I actually stopped breathing, but much like when I had the wind knocked out of me as a kid on the playground, when I suck in a breath, it burns my chest. The arm releases me, and I put a hand to my heart as if it’ll stop the pounding.
“Habit, sorry,” the voice says behind me.
Vaughn takes my hand and tugs me toward him. “Sorry, babe. Bad time to show up.” Sorry, babe? That’s all he has to say?
“I’ll be out of your way,” the voice I heard from the hallway says.
I turn around and am met with a very large, very intimidating man. His gold tooth shines against his darker skin and tattoos decorate him up to his chin. Then it hits me that I’ve seen him before at the tattoo shop. The other man who is now to my left has long dreadlocks that are tucked under a baseball hat. He has tattoos on his face, as well.
“I wish I could say I appreciate you stopping by.” Vaughn’s voice drips with sarcasm.
The man with dreadlocks walks out and the other one, Lenny, stops in front of us. He tilts his head and eyes me up and down before he directs his attention to Vaughn again. “Collateral.”
“I fuckin’ know that, Dirt.”
“Get a lock on it.”
When he walks out and closes the door behind him, I sag against Vaughn.
He steps away from me and punches the wall. “God-fuckin’-dammit!” He hits it again so hard a hole forms, and when he pulls his hand away, blood trickles down his arm.
“Stop. Oh, my God, Vaughn. Stop.” I grab his arm, and he rips it out of my hold.
With his fists clenched and defeat written all over his face, he shakes his head. “Now’s not a good time, Rayne. You should probably go.”
“No.” He thinks he’s loyal? He’s met his match with me.
He walks through the hallway and enters the bathroom. The faucet turns on for a second, and I go to the open doorway to see if he needs help. He applies a square bandage to the top of his hand, and when he looks up, he catches my reflection in the mirror.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at a funeral?”
I know what he’s doing. It’s what I’ve been doing for years. He’s trying to push me away, but I won’t let him. “No, I’m supposed to be here.”
“You don’t want to be here right now.”
“Why?”
His body becomes a blur when he moves so fast and pushes me against the wall. He pants through his nose and inches closer. “Because if you stay, I’m either going to say something I’ll regret or do something you’ll regret.” The rumble of his voice glides through me like a knife through butter.
“What would you do that I’d regret?”
His hand flexes on my shoulder, and he slides it down and over, so it’s around my neck. My heart hammers against my chest from excitement. This side of him. A side that I need just as badly as he does.
“I’d step away from you and watch as you took your clothes off.” He thrusts against me. “See what happens to me just thinkin’ about you?”
His teeth sink lightly into my shoulder. “After you were completely naked, I’d have you drop to your knees, Rainey, and I’d love every damn minute of it. I’d love seeing my cock disappear down your throat; I’d love it so much that I’d have to lift you up and fuck you against this wall. I’d slide into you, already so wet from suckin’ my dick that you’d take all of me at once.”
Then he takes a small step back. “But then, then, you’d feel how messed up I really am when I fuck you so hard—”
“I wouldn’t regret that.” If he thinks this is a bad thing, then we’re not on the same page . . . we’re on a completely different book.
“You deserve better, darlin’.”
Without giving him a chance to protest, I grab my dress from the hem and lift it over my head. He sucks in a breath, and I kick off the black pumps I’m wearing then unclip my bra. With my fingers resting on the waistband of my thong, I close the distance between us and slide it down my legs as I lower myself.
The wood floor is rough on my knees, but I’m too busy focusing on his belt buckle to worry about it.
“Rayne.” He tries to push me away, but I slap at his hands and undo the buckle, then lower his zipper. “I don’t think you understand how badly I want exactly what you just said. How much I need to just feel right now . . . I need to feel you, Vaughn.”
With my eyes locked on his, I push his jeans and boxers to his ankles. I lower my head to kiss the skin on his upper thigh and trail my mouth over then lick him all the way up. My nails dig into the back of one thigh while I use the other hand to angle his cock. My tongue darts out and licks the tip then I suck him in as far as I can.
A whoosh of air leaves him as he grabs my hair. “Christ, baby.” He holds me still as he fucks my mouth. I moan around him, getting more turned on from this than I thought I would. Then he pulls my head back, lifts me up, and does what he said I’d regret.
He fucks me. Hard and fast. So beautiful I have to hold back tears when he looks into my eyes, and I see him. I see what he’s been trying to hide, what he was afraid to show me. I’ve wanted this so badly. I want him to show me how he feels; I want to be able to take away some of that pain. And if I’m getting the most exquisite pleasure out of it, then it’s a win-win.
I scream his name, and he empties himself inside me. Even though he just did me against a wall, I have never felt more loved in my entire life.