It was July 4^th. I usually looked forward to this holiday. Barbeques and fireworks by the lake brought back cherished memories of my childhood. Memories that I clung to as an escape of the previous 4 years of my life. I wasn’t necessarily miserable with my life at that time. I had a boyfriend. I had two kids. I had a decent job doing hair at a salon my friend had opened. All in all, things could have been worse.

My phone vibrating in my purse caused me to snap out of my thoughts and remember where I was. My boyfriend’s family had invited us to come to town forty-five miles north of Wichita to celebrate the holiday with them. While the kids were jumping in and out of the pool, he and I sat in lawn chairs drinking beer on the deck. I hated beer. Just the smell of it made me want to throw up the hotdog I had eaten thirty minutes prior. Not wanting to disappoint him, I finished the one I was drinking and got up to grab us both another.

I opened the red Coleman cooler and grabbed two Coronas. My phone vibrated again, reminding me I had a new message. I tucked the beers under my arm and dug in my purse until I found my phone buried at the bottom. I clicked the side button to illuminate the screen.

316-988-7363: You.

Confused, I typed in my unlock code and opened my messages. I knew that number. That number hadn’t texted me in almost a year. I dropped the Coronas. My phone vibrated again.

316-988-7363: I wrote a book. Broken People. You should read it. I think it would benefit you greatly.

As if on cue, my boyfriend walked up at that moment. I felt him peering over my shoulder and instinctively shoved my phone back in my purse.

“Who was that?” he asked.

Not wanting to lie or cause an argument I simply replied, “Scott. He was just telling me he wrote a book.”

He winced at the mention of Scott’s name.

I met my boyfriend at the gym about a month after Scott and I had decided to go our separate ways. I had unintentionally mentioned my friend Scott in conversation a few times. My new boyfriend didn’t like the thought of me having a male friend of any kind.

“Let me see your phone,” he demanded.

Reluctantly, I handed him the phone. I’d rather let him see it than deal with the fight that would surely ensue if I didn’t.

After opening my messages, he typed a response and pressed send before I could see what he said. He then picked the beers up from the grass and went back to his lawn chair.

I nervously fumbled with my phone before opening it to see his response.

His reply wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. But a part of my heart sunk at the thought of Scott leaving me alone for good. I had waited almost a year to hear from him and now I was certain I never would again. It was silly to let a man I would never see again make me feel this anxious over one little text message, but I couldn’t deny it.

I shook off my feelings, blaming them on the buzz I was feeling from the beer and went back to watching the kids splash in the pool.

Later that day we ate again, drank some more and set fireworks off in the driveway behind the house. It made me happy to see the kids enjoying themselves. I had always wanted days like this for them. Spending the summer playing outside, swimming in the pool, barbequeing in the backyard… being a carefree kid. It seemed, at least for that moment, they had that. I wasn’t, however, sure that this was where I belonged.

I spent the next few weeks questioning my relationship with my boyfriend. My family liked him, he was pretty good with the kids, and was going to school to get his doctorate.

On paper he would be the perfect husband.

But.

He wasn’t Scott.

Scott came into my life like a tornado without warning. He was kind. He was caring. He was responsible. Dependable. Honest. Confident. The list could go on and on. Every single box on my checklist of requirements, he checked off.

He was also the epitome of everything my parents hated. He was a biker. A felon. An older man. A man with children. A divorcee. None of it mattered. I knew I loved him when we met, and I still loved him now.

I had spent the past thirteen months of my life suppressing my feelings for him, even masking them while in my new relationship. The time had come to be honest. With myself, and with boyfriend.

The relationship with my boyfriend ended soon thereafter. I knew I needed to take some time to reflect on the life I wanted for myself, and for my children. I decided to do anything that I could, within reason, to better my life.

I started spending my mornings and evenings at the gym, sending the kids to the childcare center while I worked out. I got a new job at a salon in the downtown district of Wichita. I bought a new (to me) car. I chopped my hair off into a curly asymmetrical bob.

Nothing I did filled the Scott-sized void I felt.

One evening after putting the kids down for bed, I downloaded the Kindle App on my phone and purchased Broken People, by Scott Hildreth. After devouring the book over the next couple days, I concluded that the only thing that could fill my Scott-sized void…was Scott.