Two days had passed since we saw Chico at the donut shop. I’d been busy finishing a project with Teddy. Although Jess had asked to meet on both days, I simply didn’t have time to do so.

On the evening of the second day, I agreed to go to dinner. For the first time since I met her, Jess was not her joyful self. Seeing her in such a somber mood troubled me. I desperately wanted to fix whatever was wrong and have her return to her normal state of being.

“Are the kids okay?” I asked.

She looked up from her bowl of noodles. “They’re fine.”

“Are you busy at work?”

She shrugged. “I’ve been pretty busy, yeah.”

“You’re okay on money? You don’t need anything?”

I wasn’t in a position to be giving anyone money, but I’d certainly give her my last cent if I needed to.

“I’m doing good.”

“You don’t look like it,” I said. “Something’s wrong.”

She twisted her fork through the noodles while she stared blankly at the bowl of soup. After a moment, she looked up.

“Are we in a relationship?”

I gave a nod. “I’d say so, yes.”

“An actual relationship?”

I didn’t like where the conversation was going. In response, I did as I always did when I was asked a question I preferred not to answer. I answered it without necessarily answering it.

“What we have is a relationship, yes.”

She released her fork. As it slipped into the bowl, I realized exactly what was wrong.

“We’ve been seeing each other for months. Months. You’ve introduced me to your friends. We’ve been hanging out together. We run here, we run there, and we goof around together. But, you haven’t made a pass at me. Do you think I’m pretty?”

“You’re gorgeous,” I said. “Breathtakingly so.”

She twisted a strand of hair with her finger. “Am I sexy?”

“You are. Very much so, to be honest.”

“Why haven’t you taken the next step? We haven’t even kissed.”

My heart wanted me to lean over the table and kiss her. My mind wouldn’t allow it. The two struggled with one another for a moment, with my mind winning the argument. I often wished I wasn’t as strong-willed and stubborn as I was, but change wasn’t an option.

I swallowed heavily, and then met her gaze. “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.”

She released the strand of hair and gave me a look. “You’re not ready?”

“No, I’m not.”

“When will you be?”

“I don’t know,” I said, choking on the words as I spoke.

The thought of losing her crushed me. The risk associated with being in a relationship with her was far too much for me to make a move in that direction. With our eyes locked on one another, I sat silently and wondered what a future without her would be like.

“Let me think about it,” I said.

“Think about this,” she said. “I don’t want to be friends with you. I like you far too much. I want to be in a relationship with you. I want more. I want to be your lover. If we can’t agree to give that a try, I need to end this. Before I get hurt.”

And there it was. The “L” word.

She needed a lover.

I’d placed myself in some extremely awkward situations over the years. Barfights, gunfights, drug deals, knife fights, riots, beatdowns, stabbings…I’d seen it all. Through it all, I’d never been truly scared. Fear was an emotion I didn’t seem to be in touch with.

Yet.

I feared allowing myself to love Jess would produce nothing more than pain. I further feared walking away at that moment would cause pain that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. I’d placed myself in a position where I couldn’t win, and the outcome, either way, scared me to death.

I’d hurt enough in my lifetime. Walking away from her at that moment would undoubtedly cause pain, but nothing compared to what I’d feel if I allowed myself to love her, and then lost her.

My head spun.

“Let me think about it,” I said.

She pushed her chair away from the table. “I want to go home.”

I gestured toward her soup. “You haven’t eaten a thing.”

“I can’t eat,” she said. “I’m too upset.”

Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do. Nonetheless, my simple existence was causing her pain, and I could see it.

“Alright.” I tossed fifty dollars on the table and stood. “Home it is, then.”