Sang

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Nathan was swapped out for Kota close to lunch, but the test took ages to complete.

The questions weren’t difficult, but there were long passages to read, instructions on how to complete it. I wasn’t sure of the purpose since it wasn’t about history or math or even science. Maybe knowing I didn’t really have to take it made me antsier. That, or I wanted to be out helping North or the others.

Danielle often made frustrated sighs and slumped over the table. Marie focused on her work, but she leaned over as well, looking irritated and bored.

I was constantly distracted with every bell ringing, the sound of footsteps in the hallway and any noise whatsoever. There was way too much going on today to focus on something like this. I think the others felt it as well. When I looked to the door, they did, too.

When Kota came in, the bell rang for lunch.

“Is that it?” Danielle asked. “Can we at least go to lunch?”

Kota checked his phone quickly and then nodded. “Come back here at the end.”

Danielle jumped up, leaving her test on the table. “Thank god. Come on, Marie.”

Marie put her pencil down and started to follow her.

I put my papers into the folder and waited until the girls were gone before I spoke to Kota. “What is this test, anyway?”

“To see if they can follow instructions.” His eyes were still on the door, as if he didn’t trust them to be truly gone yet or was waiting for someone else to walk in. “Want to stretch your legs a bit?”

I was very grateful for this suggestion and stood up. My butt was hurting from sitting in the hard chair for so long. “Do I need anything?”

He shook his head and nudged me gently toward the door.

I followed him into the hallway. The hallway was crowded, with some people hanging around along the walls and groups passing by into the cafeteria. With so many kids, not enough of them could fit into the cafeteria at one time. Some were going back in the direction of the main office, no doubt trying to see if anything else was going on.

Kota went the opposite way. I trailed behind him a bit through the crowds. He went around the long way, beyond the cafeteria, passing everyone up. We took another hallway and went up at a back set of stairs. He headed to a door that was unmarked with a dusty vent screen at the bottom.

He opened the door. The inside looked like a forgotten janitor’s closet. There were shelves with old paint cans and some boxes, but everything was grimy. Even the floor was layered in dust.

Kota came in behind me, and as soon as he was inside, and the door closed, the room went dark. The vent at the bottom and cracks around the door became our only light source.

“I had to talk to you,” he said. “And I didn’t want anyone else to walk in.”

“What is it? Did something happen?”

“No, but I need to talk to you about last night.”

“What happened?” I asked, looking at his face. His gaze was locked on me. His lips were thin, pressed tight. “The last I heard, you were staying at your mom’s house for the night, just monitoring from your computer...” I’d forgotten about it after all the activity today.

“I went to see Lily.”

My heart sped up, thudding so hard that my body shook. It suddenly made sense why it felt like he was taking ages to get back, why it seemed like a secret. “Why? All the way out there?”

“I thought it would be a good time to go. I wanted to go while everyone was...distracted.”

“Why didn't you want to tell anyone?” I leaned forward, closer to him. “Why not tell me about it?”

His lips tightened and he lowered his head. “I didn't want to tell you.”

“Why?”

He sighed and straightened up, looking at me in the eyes. “I didn't want you to feel like you had to do this.” He put a palm over his chest, close to his heart. “We wanted to ask her to... check with you to make sure we're not getting you to do something you don't want.”

“We? Who is we?”

He made a face. “Nathan. He and I talked about it, and we wanted to check in with her. About you. To get her to ask you...”

My mind was reeling to catch up. “Ask her to ask me?”

“Yeah,” he said.

My breath escaped me as I considered what he was saying. While we were busy with Volto, he was all the way across town asking Lily to check in with me about the relationship. Not that he knew Volto would be there. We’d all expected it to observe only, to see what was going on.

Kota and Nathan thought because the others were asking me to do this that perhaps I didn't want to do it and was just going along with it?

Because they didn’t trust that I wanted it?

He took my hand, holding it between two palms and warming it. My eyes were getting used to the dimness in the room, and his expression had a touch of fear and sorrow that I hadn’t caught until that moment.

“Maybe we could have asked you directly, but we wanted her to do it. We didn't know if us asking you would just put more pressure on you to agree. Because Nathan and I won't unless you're absolutely sure.”

“I'm not sure,” I said gently and closed my eyes to say the last bit. “But not because of me.”

His hand remained wrapped around mine. “What do you mean?”

I opened my eyes slowly, finding his serious, deeply concerned expression haunting.

But I wasn't sure how to share my thoughts with him. I didn't totally understand my own feelings, either. I cared about all of them. I'd been close with all of them.

Somehow, the anguish the two had gone through with Erica, knowing the same may come one day from Uncle or the others, not to mention the feelings they have—the uncomfortable feelings they carried seeing me with one of the others—it was all so much to fight against. I'd never been in a relationship before, but a normal relationship seemed like the easiest sort, a piece of cake compared to what we were trying to do. The question wasn't if they were pushing me in to it. I was more concerned about them, making them feel like they had to. We were talking about this long term.

How long could I ask them to go on like this?

But I didn’t want to give up, either. I just wanted to be sure, as well, that this is something they’d be happy with.

“I don’t want to ask you to choose between me and them...or Erica...” Flustered, I gripped at his palm. I squeezed a bit too much, my nails denting his skin, but I was so tense I couldn’t get myself to release once I was locked on. “Kota, I feel like I’m forcing you all already into this. It shouldn’t be something we get used to or learn to accept. I can’t ask you all to do this.”

“You’re not,” he straightened and continued to hold my hand despite what I was doing. He took a step closer, drawing my hand up to his chest, holding it, palm to palm with mine, against his heart. “It has to be us asking you. That’s how it works.”

“What?”

“I just didn’t understand it. When you all told me, when the others explained it to me, I was thinking something else. Like...” He sighed and then leaned in, his breath warming my face as he spoke. “I thought I’d have to watch you kiss them. Like when I walked in on you and Gabriel.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of that. I had experienced it a few times, with the others walking in at various moments. The hurt looks and awkwardness made it so complicated.

“I thought that was what I was looking at. And other things.” He pressed his free hand to my cheek, and then released my other hand to hold my face. “Sang, I had the picture all wrong. That’s what was wrong with me.”

“What did she say?” I asked. “What did she tell you?”

“It’s not so much what she said. It’s what I saw there. She did say I should have spoken to you. That I should get the others to come in.” His eyes drifted between mine, one to the other. “Sang, we need to do this our own way.”

“What do you mean?”

He backed up his head a bit, dropping his hands from my face to my shoulders. “Before I went last night, I thought living in the same house, being around each other so much, I’d run into seeing you kissing someone else again. And I thought I had to be okay with that. That I had to get my feelings of jealousy under control. If it was to work, I had to accept that part.” He paused and then dipped his head. “But I watched them interact with her. And she told me how their relationship was set up.”

I didn’t know this part. Maybe I didn’t notice when I was there. I’d been so afraid then, trying to figure out what was going on. It didn’t occur to me. I waited for him to continue.

“That’s not how feelings work,” he said. “And that’s not how relationships work. I trust the guys with you. I know for sure that if we agree to this, we’ll stick to our word. Even if...even if we all agree that we’ve got to follow a few rules.”

“Rules?”

“Once I left, I was reading up on it all. That’s what took me so long to get back. Once we knew everyone was safe, I was up most of the night reading.” He released one of my shoulders to put a hand over his heart. “I can be happy with you, Sang. And with them around you. I...think I just can’t see it. That’s something I need from you. When we’re together...”

I nodded emphatically. “Yes, I know. I’ve been running into that issue...”

He grimaced and then laughed. “Yeah. And I know the others may laugh at me for saying it, but somehow not seeing it, that seems to make all the difference to me. Like I knew before the others were dating you. I had to remember that. It was seeing it. And in relationships like this, we have to talk about boundaries, what we’re comfortable with. And we have to agree to it. Relationships are trust, work and agreements with each other.”

The more he spoke, the more my heart calmed. It was a topic I hadn’t considered, and what we probably needed Lily for. We needed someone else to point out such things. “So, you’re okay with this?”

“I just needed the right picture in my head,” he said. “The others are going to probably come to that conclusion, as well. They need to know how it works. But we already work together, we get together fine. Mr. Blackbourne was right, we jumped into this a bit disorganized, but we didn’t really know if everyone else felt the same way.”

I had to ask. I couldn’t dare let the moment pass without doing so. “How do you feel, Kota?”

Kota teetered close to me. I could feel him leaning in and I let him.

He kissed me briefly once on the lips and backed up a fraction to whisper. “I’m in. With you. For everything. No matter what happens. No matter if they give up on this. No matter what the Academy or my mom or what anyone else says. It’s you and me, Sang. I promised from the start I’d be with you, and I will. I just need your help.”

I floated where I stood. Something inside me shook, like a thousand butterflies fluttering at the same time in my core.

When my shaking tilted me forward, Kota met me, his lips locking on mine.

I’d help him. I’d help them all. I couldn’t let accidents—like the times they found me with each other—happen. It’s why Kota brought me all the way to a dirty old closet. To not run the risk of the others actually witnessing this.

I could give this to them. And it was something we had to monitor, anyway. The outside world may never accept us if we stayed together in this way. Erica. Uncle. The others. They may never understand any of this.

We were never destined to be normal, anyway.