Fallout
Nathan
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Shaking nerves rippled from Sang immediately after Jessica disappeared. She met his eyes, doubt and concern overflowing. It echoed his own feelings.
This wasn’t her fault. He should’ve shut the door. He should’ve been more aware. He should’ve been listening for Erica or Kota or anybody else coming down that hallway.
He knew how it might’ve looked, depending on exactly when Jessica showed up and what she was able to hear.
But he wasn’t about to let Sang take any heat for what was his fault. He didn’t exactly have a plan to fix this, and he wasn’t sure how, but he was absolutely sure he wanted to keep Sang from taking the blame for any of it.
“Wait here,” Nathan said. “Don’t leave this bathroom.”
She hesitated for a moment, an unspoken question in her eyes about what he was up to. Slowly, she started nodding, still appearing confused, but trusting him.
“It’ll be okay,” he said. “Don’t worry.” He wanted to hug her quickly or kiss her again. Only, after Jessica found them, he wasn’t sure how much time he would have before Kota showed up.
For Jessica’s and Erica’s sakes, if he wanted this to look like it was his fault and Sang didn’t initiate, he had to make it appear exactly like that.
With his heart heavy, he turned and walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He hated leaving her in there.
He crept down the hallway, trying to listen.
He counted, like Kota often did, starting at one and continuing up. For no reason other than to keep himself calm and not think too much.
Nathan stood on the edge of the hallway, peering out into the living room. He could hear Jessica’s voice somewhere deeper in the house. Erica said something following up, and then Kota talked over her and Erica quieted.
Nathan swallowed, stepping just a couple of feet into the living room, waiting. He breathed slowly.
“Whatever happens,” he whispered to himself, “it’s only temporary.” It was something Mr. Blackbourne told him when dealing with a highly stressful situation, to stay calm during those moments. Situations are often temporary and look a lot worse in the immediate moment.
He started to repeat the phrase when Kota came around from the dining area, hurrying ahead, lips pressed together, focusing on Nathan instantly.
Kota quickly crossed the room. Erica and Jessica trailed slower behind him. Jessica tucked herself behind Erica, her eyes wide.
It was something Nathan had never seen before, not with Jessica. That hurt damn worse than anything else in that moment. There was no reason for Jessica to be afraid of him. They’d known each other for years. He’d never do anything to her. He’d never be angry at her for something like this.
If Sang was in a normal relationship with Kota, Jessica had every right to do what she did and tell Kota.
“Nathan...” Kota said, his voice steady and deep, oddly calm given the circumstances. He blinked rapidly and jerked his chin in the direction of the front door. “You and I need to talk, outside, right now.”
Erica reached out to Kota, offering a supportive rub between his shoulders, but said nothing.
A defensive excuse wove its way to Nathan’s tongue, but he bit at it, not wanting to start anything here. Maybe he didn’t have to. Kota wasn’t in the dark anymore. He probably could guess as to what really happened.
It all depended on what exactly Jessica told him, and Erica.
Nathan swallowed and slowly turned, trying not to appear guilty, too sorry for what happened.
They needed to figure out what to do next, but not within hearing range of Erica or Jessica. But how could they explain this to where they would understand?
Nathan eased open the front door and stepped out onto the porch. The sun was finally up over the trees surrounding the neighborhood, although the sunshine was now broken up by low hanging clouds. The air was cold and still.
Kota joined Nathan, and very sternly closed the front door before Erica had a chance to follow them out. With everyone so quiet, the sound of metal and wood connecting seemed loud.
Nathan didn’t like leaving Sang in the bathroom alone. Erica could go in there at some point without them. They’d have to make this quick.
Kota nudged Nathan in the arm, motioning to him to continue. “Out further,” Kota said quietly. “Out into the yard.”
Less chance for the others to hear, if they were listening.
Nathan stuffed his hands into the hoodie’s pockets, digging deep with his fists. He took the stairs, stepped across the walkway, and crossed into the grass. Kota followed. Nathan turned in the middle of the yard to face him.
Keeping his head lowered, Nathan tried not to look at the windows around the front door. He had a gut-wrenching feeling Erica and Jessica were watching, waiting for Kota to do whatever it was they suspected he would do.
What should Kota be doing to him, if they were going to keep up this appearance of Kota was exclusively dating Sang?
Nathan whispered to Kota, “I don’t know what Jessica said, but I promise you...I...”
Kota pressed his lips together, and then put a single finger to his lips. His back was to the front door, so Erica and Jessica wouldn’t see. “She said Sang kept saying no, and you were trying to force her to kiss you.”
Nathan’s mouth popped open, and he then realized Jessica misunderstood far more than he realized. “You know I would never...Never.” Nathan felt he couldn’t say too much, but he glared at Kota, trying to tell him everything he was thinking with a look.
Kota had known him for years, longer than any of the others. After everything they’d been through, Nathan was the last person to cross a line with anyone.
“I’m not sure what to tell them,” Kota said quietly. “I can either tell them that you did try to do that, or I have to tell them Sang wanted it. Those are our options, because telling them the truth right now isn’t...I don’t know how they’d react. But after this morning, this isn’t the best way to introduce it. Especially when we don’t even know...”
Nathan choked on a retort and shook his head. “Kota...You can’t let them think I would...that I’d...Can’t I say Jessica got it completely wrong?”
Even as he said this, he knew better. At the very end of the conversation with Sang, he’d pretty much had said out loud for her to kiss him, and while Sang had wanted to, Jessica had misunderstood a lot of the conversation. There wasn’t much of a chance she would believe Nathan had meant much else without it looking like Sang was willing to cheat on Kota.
“I’m not sure we have much choice,” Kota said. “Not right now. But I think I can say it was a mistake on your part. You misjudged something Sang was saying, perhaps...”
Nathan groaned and then rubbed a palm against his forehead. “This is my fault. Don’t let Sang get into trouble for it. Completely blame it on me. You know Sang won’t like it, but we have to do it this way.”
“I think I need to start yelling at you,” Kota said and frowned, nodding behind him at the door. “I don’t want Jessica thinking... I don’t know. I feel like I should. So she knows she did the right thing and...” He trailed off, frowning, concern etched in his face. “What would you do if someone else tried to force her into a kiss?”
“Bloody murder,” Nathan said. He thought of the times Rocky or others had tried to mess with Sang, and how often they’d all gotten into fights over Sang for similar situations. “We should probably fight, yeah? Maybe take a swing at me.” It seemed like a normal thing to do. The fact that they hadn’t yet done it was probably more surprising to Erica and Jessica watching.
Kota’s green eyes darkened behind his glasses, and then he shrugged. “Maybe I should. Just a little. After that, go home. Stay there. Don’t come by. Maybe in a week, or whenever they seem ready, come back and apologize...”
Nathan went over what he could say and before Kota could say anything else, he spoke loud enough to hopefully be heard in the house, “Don’t blame her. She didn’t do anything. I was the one asking her to kiss me.”
Kota put his hands on Nathan’s chest and shoved, sharply, once.
It wasn’t that forceful, but Nathan stumbled backward a few steps. He held his hands out, taking a very weak defensive stance. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking...”
“No, you weren’t thinking,” Kota said, raising his voice as well. He shoved once more at Nathan, again weakly.
“You’re going too easy,” Nathan said under his breath. “They’ve seen us fight. You’ve got to punch me.” Shoving around didn’t feel that convincing.
Kota made a fist, a weak one, and connected loosely with Nathan in the chest.
It was barely a play punch. “Harder,” Nathan seethed.
Kota threw his punches carefully, but he landed three more at full force. Nathan did nothing to protect himself, simply taking his ‘punishment.’ One final punch from Kota connected with Nathan’s face.
Nathan backed away waving his arms and shaking his head. His lip had split and he tasted blood. “I’m not going to fight you,” Nathan said. “I said I was sorry.”
Kota shouted at him, “Go home! Don’t come back here.”
They stared at each other. It pained Nathan to see Kota that upset, faking angry... It wasn’t real, he knew it. But it felt real.
Maybe in a small way, it was. Nathan felt the same anger on occasion when he heard Sang kissed one of the others. Knowing she might was one thing. Hearing it...seeing it...
Nathan had to walk away, pretend to be humble. He hated the idea of what Erica may be thinking of him at that moment. If he wanted even a chance of getting Jessica or Erica to forgive him, and to pretend Sang forgave him, too, there was nothing else to do.
It just felt wrong. Jessica would have the wrong idea about him. Not only that, but he was leaving Sang behind to lie about it all.
Nathan turned away from Kota, forcing himself to sprint, to run away and to his house across the street. He wanted to hide, to give it time and to let things settle as fast as possible.
He swallowed hard, feeling the frog in his throat. The emotions welling up as he walked away from the Lee household. Their house had been his home away from home so many times. Now for the first time in his life, he was unwelcome, cast out for a mistake he’d made, an accusation that wasn’t actually real.
Maybe that was the worst of it. It was all fake, and there was no reason for Jessica or Erica to feel like that.
He was helping Kota out in a sticky spot. And Sang, in a way. That’s what he told himself. For now, she needed this more. Not even a week out from under her parents for good, and he’d caused a few problems.
Nathan used his keys to let himself into his own house and closed the front door again. He stood there, gazing at the keys in his hand. He didn’t realize at first he was staring at Kota’s key in particular. Green paint stuck around the edges and the silver metal showed through from years of use.
He wanted to go back. Now that the moment of panic was over, now that he was home, it felt wrong. It felt like they were lying to Jessica and to Erica.
But what would they say if they knew the truth? What if they admitted that Kota and Nathan, as well as the rest of their friends, were considering the idea of dating Sang?
Not just dating. Forming a relationship. A permanent one.
Nathan slowly reached out to the side table and dropped his keys in a bowl on top. He needed to think, to figure out what to do next.
Truly, that’s what they all needed. Enough time to think and sort it out.
Nathan stretched his muscles and then tested his lip, pressing his fingers to the surrounding skin. Any bruises or cuts would heal, but he was more concerned with repairing the relationship with people he considered family.
His wild thoughts finally focused enough that Nathan reached into his pocket and instantly dialed for Mr. Blackbourne.
They needed to let someone know, and hopefully get some help figuring out what to do.
Mr. Blackbourne picked up on the third ring. “What’s going on?” he asked. It was abrupt, but Nathan was used to Mr. Blackbourne knowing if they called at odd times, there was usually something wrong.
“I messed up,” Nathan said. He shuddered and then let out a slow breath. “Or maybe Kota and I messed up. I just didn’t know what else to do.”
Mr. Blackbourne’s tone changed from sharp to sympathetic instantly. “Whatever it is, we’ll fix it.”
“I don’t know if this is fixable.”
“Tell me what happened.”
Nathan went over quickly what happened in the bathroom, including what Sang was really saying. She had been trying tell him something, only Nathan had thought she wanted to talk to him about their relationship, the same discussion they’d been having. Or maybe she wanted to talk about something else, but he very much emphasized she wanted to kiss him and he would have stopped if he knew she didn’t want to.
Only the more Nathan went over what happened, he realized how much Jessica possibly may have actually overheard. There were times to when they were both quiet and then there were times when they got a bit louder. Depending on when Jessica had shown up and how much she actually heard, it could easily appear really bad, or very, very horrible.
“This is all something we were all going to facing sooner or later,” Mr. Blackbourne said.
“Not like this. And it’s not later. Or sooner. It’s right now. It’s happening.”
Mr. Blackbourne spoke, “I understand your reasoning for fighting on the front lawn, but I’m not sure that was the best solution.”
“I didn’t want them thinking Sang was cheating on Kota.”
“I understand the purpose, but what I mean is instead of Kota pretending to react, he could’ve told them about what was going on.”
“We weren’t sure if we should. I didn’t want to ask Kota to do that right in that moment.” Nathan sighed. “And what if they think we’re crazy? We don’t even fully know if we’re going to do this...” He couldn’t finish what he wanted to say. It had taken a lot of time for Nathan to even get to the point to where he didn’t get mad just looking at Victor, or Luke or any of the others because he knew when they were with Sang.
It was an unusual idea, and he’d grown used to thoughts of getting married and having a normal life, a lot like Sang had said she’d wanted in the past. It took Nathan spending so much time with Sang for him to realize she wouldn’t leave him just because she spent an afternoon with Luke. Or Victor. Or any of the others.
And that she’d probably be okay with being in a relationship with nine guys, even if she previously wanted the same normal type of life Nathan had wanted. The whole situation was unexpected.
Mr. Blackbourne continued, “Like I said, this was something we were all going to face sooner or later. It won’t be just the Lee family. Eventually, it was going to be anybody we’re related to or associate with. We will have to make a decision on whether to hide or whether to tell people.” He paused. “But you’re right. We’re not ready yet.”
“So maybe the fight was a good idea,” Nathan said. “For now.”
“Give them some time. But we’ll all have to be more careful, especially in places where we know this sort of relationship won’t be accepted. We don’t want to strain relationships with family any more. Not when we’re all not sure about it ourselves.”
“I thought you were sure.”
There was a long pause on the line. “...I just know how I feel,” Mr. Blackbourne said softly, “about her.”
Mr. Blackbourne had been adamant from the beginning, but it was the first time Nathan heard something akin to him being included in the scenario. He usually only spoke about the others. Did he doubt it would work like the rest of them?
Was he as scared as Nathan was?
While dealing with Sang’s parents had been a huge milestone to overcome, it left them with the future to face. Could they or could they not have such a relationship and make it work? Or would it be too much, even for friends as close as them?
“We don’t know what we’re risking,” Nathan said. “I didn’t think about it until now, but...I don’t have anyone to lose on my side.”
“You’ve everyone to lose,” Mr. Blackbourne said.
“I mean family. I don’t give a shit what my dad would say. But...Erica... And the others. What if they don’t accept it?”
Mr. Blackbourne’s tone quieted. “That’s part of the risk we’ll all have to sort out. And are we willing to give them up if they won’t accept it? Or continue to keep this secret from them? We’ll need to get together to discuss.”
“What I do now?” Nathan asked.
“I know you don’t want to hear this,” Mr. Blackbourne said. “But you need to wait. If we need time to figure ourselves out, then your original plan will need to be your strategy. Stay away from Sang and Kota for a short time. After a few days, go back and apologize. But you’ll always have to be mindful now.”
“Sang was going to be going home soon, as far as Erica knew. She was going to come back to staying here, wasn’t she?”
“I don’t know if that’s possible now.”
Nathan frowned. “This is bad...”
“Give it time. We’ll have to figure it out. If you need it, I can give you an assignment that will distract you for a couple of days.”
“Sang’s not going to like this,” he said. A realization hit Nathan so hard, it was like Kota was punching him in the chest again. Things were hard enough for them to figure out, but it felt like he left Sang alone to deal with the aftermath, and on top of everything else...but Sang needed him the most right now.
If she’s witnessing friends splitting apart and families getting upset, then she may call off the entire thing. She’d want to spare them all their families and friends and not be the cause.
If she wanted to back out... It would be his fault. “I don’t want to be too far if Sang can get away. I want to talk to her. I’m sure she’s worried.”
“This is where you’re going to have to trust the rest of us to take care of the situation until you can talk to her.”
The edge of something sharp threaded into Nathan’s heart. Fear of not being able to see her wedged into him. It was all he wanted right now. He had just been next to her, but after all this, he needed to be reassured he didn’t screw the entire thing up by being careless. “I need to talk to her.” He sucked in a breath and then let it out slow until the next part came out in a harsh whisper. “We should have talked about this before. Please. I need to...”
“I know you do,” Mr. Blackbourne said calmly. “Only it might be better for now, if you are going to pretend to be humble and sorry for what you did, to not take the risk and be seen with her right now. If Jessica or Erica or anyone they know sees you and Sang talking alone, or Sang sneaking over to someplace to talk to you, it’ll look bad for Sang and will ruin the façade you’ve created. If we can’t talk to anyone yet about this relationship, then we’ll have to protect Sang’s reputation with the family we do care about. Give it time. Let’s not take that risk. Not right now. I promise, as soon as I’m sure it’s possible without too much risk, I’ll make sure you can talk to her. But you’ll have to give me time.”
Nathan shifted his weight from foot to foot, feeling the tense muscles in his body. Who knew how long this process with Erica and Jessica would take, and how long it might take for Sang to be able to talk to him without risking too much. “What can I do? For now, I mean. I can’t just sit here.”
“How about you take over monitoring the Sorensen house?” he asked. “You’ll never be too far from Sang just in case she can come over and see you.”
It was on the tip of Nathan’s tongue to say no at first. Watching Sang’s stepmother or Marie and paying attention to what went on in that house wasn’t going to be any better for his mood. It’d be a constant reminder.
But he’d be thinking about Sang anyway. At least he’d be helping her out when he couldn’t do anything for her now.
The buzzer for the front doorbell sounded, and Nathan nearly dropped the phone, startled.
“Hang on,” he said into the phone. “Someone’s here.”
“Keep me on the line,” Mr. Blackbourne said.
At first, he thought it might be Sang or Kota, but they probably wouldn’t have bothered with the doorbell. Maybe Jessica? Or Erica to talk to him?
He tucked the phone into his pocket, hoping Mr. Blackbourne could still hear. The he answered the door.
Danielle stood there, jeans, gray sweater, both tight, and fuzzy boots. Her hair was trimmed shorter than he remembered, close to her jawline.
The corner of Danielle’s mouth dipped a little, but she kept her expression neutral. “Your dad isn’t around, is he?”
Nathan breathed out a bit in relief, glad to not have a confrontation with Erica, but at the same time, annoyed by seeing her. “Why are you asking?” he wasn’t quite in the mood for this. Seeing Danielle on his front porch was strange. They used to spend more time together when they were younger. Then one summer...
He suppressed the memory. Ever since one incident a few years ago, he’d distance himself from her. He didn’t even like being alone with her ever. He’d been angry about it, but it was the past now.
Danielle waved toward the Sorenson house, the two-story gray house a couple of homes down from Nathan’s. “I need help with Marie, and I think it would benefit Sang, too. Let me in?”
Nathan couldn’t imagine anything she could offer that would help Sang or Marie. Either way, he needed to get her off the front porch. “Uh, sure.”
Nathan made room, and Daniel walked past him and into the kitchen. Nathan shut the front door and walked around the kitchen’s center island. He leaned against it, looking across at Danielle. Somehow, that barrier between them made him feel better. He put the phone upside down on the island between them, so she wouldn’t see it was on call.
“First thing,” Nathan said, “I don’t want any trouble. The Sorensons are going through enough right now. Whatever you’re thinking of doing, you probably don’t want to do this.”
Danielle smirked and crossed her arms over her chest, making the fabric appear even tighter around her shoulders. It was a wonder how she managed to even move. “I saw the fight,” she said. “I saw the fight with Kota.”
Great. She was the last person who needed to see anything. “It’s not what you’re thinking.”
“It was something about Sang.”
She dropped her haughty smirk. “Listen. I’m not here to give you a hard time. I’m here to help.”
“You say help, but the best way to help is to stay out of it. There’s nothing you can do.”
“You don’t know everything,” Danielle said. “You think you do, but you don’t. Marie and I know about Sang. We know about her real mom.”
Nathan ground his teeth. He probably should have been surprised Marie kept that bit of information to herself for as long as she did. For now, he tried to pretend they were on the same team, to keep Danielle from talking around school or anywhere else. “Exactly how do you think you’re helping?”
“Let Marie and I come over and spend the night tonight.”
Nathan laughed, short and sharply. “You’ve gotta be kidding.”
“I’m not kidding. I’m going to try to get Marie out of the house tonight. Her mom sleeps pretty heavily, so she probably won’t notice. She sneaks out now sometimes. I know Sang used to do that all the time. Marie told me about it. So don’t act like you’re above it all.”
If Marie knew, she didn’t mention it. He had to give Marie a little credit for that. “Why do you want to stay here?”
Danielle leaned against the counter, looking him in the eyes dead on. “I have an idea. I’ll be telling my parents I’m staying at her house.” She held up a single finger. “Just one night. I’ll explain everything. If you change your mind at that point, that’s up to you. Just hear us out.”
Nathan considered his options. If he said no, she and Marie could go somewhere else. That could make it more difficult to figure out what was going on. However, if he let them spend the night, maybe pretend he was in on it, he could stop them before they did anything stupid. “Okay...” Nathan said. “I guess. But I get to make the final decision before you do anything. Sang’s happier now. And so is Marie. I don’t want to mess that up.”
Danielle put a hand over her heart. “I promise, no tricks.”
Nathan doubted it. He only hoped he wasn’t making the wrong decision.
And he hoped Mr. Blackbourne was still listening. This was a distraction to keep him occupied, but he wasn’t sure if he was just asking for more trouble.