Sang

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For hours, we searched. Nathan was all I could think about. None of the guys could console me. Once we’d realized he’d disappeared, I couldn’t do anything except look for him.

The others had done the same.

I was still with Victor and Luke, downtown near Victor’s house. There was hope he went to Victor’s given everyone else was on the other side of town.

However, when we drove by, there was no sign of Kota’s car or him.

I’d brought the journal with me. Somehow, amid all of this, I’d started writing to Nathan. In a way, it was everything I wanted to tell him and I couldn’t say to him yet because he wasn’t there. It was the only thing I could even focus on to pass the time until he decided to come back.

I missed him.

My heart ached.

It was all rambling. A lot of it was just Nathan’s name written over and over.

When North called Victor, I was a tense rubber band waiting to snap.

Victor passed me the phone instantly. North spoke on the line. “He’s at Lily’s.”

I sat up, nudging Victor’s arm. “We have to go to Lily’s.” I spoke to North. “We have to go.”

“I know. I told them you were on the way. Do you want us to meet you there?”

“Maybe you should give me some time first. I have to talk to him.”

North grumbled. “I know. I got a call about my Jeep. It’s waiting. I’ll go pick it up. Your necklace better be in there...And once this is over, we’re going where I said we would.”

I hadn’t forgotten about the necklace, but I did realize the police probably had it. I didn’t want to bug him about it through all of this. And after everything else, we’d been too busy to head out to the beach like he wanted. “Well someone had to go jump into the back of a truck.”

“Next time, remind me of this,” he paused. “Tell Nathan we need him?”

“I promise.”

When I hung up, I was on the edge of my seat as Victor started the long drive out to Lily’s. Luke sat in the back, chewing on a thumbnail and staring out the side window. I was twisting my hands on my clothes, the seat, all without really thinking of what I was doing.

I hoped he stayed there.

I hoped he was okay.

After a few miles, Victor finally reached out to me, touching my shoulder. “He’s there. He’ll talk to you.”

“I hope so,” I said.

He breathed in and then out through his lips, returning his hand to the wheel to make a turn. “Me, too.”

It took some time to find the dark lane surrounded by trees and follow it to the end, until we came to the big white house. The porch light was on. The room to the right, the library, was lit as well. I was familiar enough with it from the last time I was here, but since I hadn’t been here at night, the house felt spooky to me.

Kota’s car was parked out front.

Seeing it, it confirmed he was here, and my heart raced.

Thank goodness.

Still, I was intimidated once we got out of the car. I walked up with Luke and Victor beside me. I carried the journal from the car. I wasn’t sure why. I thought perhaps if I mumbled or couldn’t think of what to say, I’d just show that to him. With all my noncoherent sentences, I could only hope he understood.

Luke held my hand tightly as we approached. “Just say you’re sorry.”

“What does she have to be sorry for?” Victor asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s how I get North to calm down when he’s mad at me. I just say I’m sorry, even if I’m not.”

I tried to smile. I knew he was trying to make me feel better. I squeezed his hand gently.

Victor leaned in close to me. He reached for the doorbell.

But before he rang it, the door opened.

Liam looked out at us. He wore a sweater and jeans, his red-blond hair combed neatly and he was barefoot. He urged us back so he could join us on the porch and closed the door behind himself.

“We were waiting for you,” he said. He looked at me. “He needs to talk to you.”

“I know.”

He held up a hand, palm facing me. “I just need to make sure...you know what really happened, right? About that girl harassing him? Using what info she had to get him to do what she wanted?”

I nodded repeatedly. “Yes, I know.”

“And you don’t hold it against him?”

“Never!” I said. “It just surprised me. And with who was there, I didn’t want the others seeing me so shocked.” I didn’t want to go into what really upset me right on the porch, about the doubts I had with going through with it. Not now. For Nathan, I needed to be confident.

“Why are you asking her all this?” Victor said, stepping in front of me a bit. “Look, I know you’re trying to help, but we need to talk about this with him.”

“She needs to do it,” Liam said. “But I wasn’t going to let you pass if you were just coming in to belittle and shame him. I’ve heard his side. I’m sure you all have reasons for what happened this week, but I can’t allow you to go in and destroy him any more than he’s destroying himself right now. His mental health is at stake.”

I stilled, hovering where I was on the porch, looking to Luke and Victor. Luke’s face was tense, but he nodded in agreement. Victor seemed to relax.

“Then if you aren’t here to ostracize him and kick him from the group, you can talk to him,” he said. “But you should do it.” He pointed to me.

I stepped forward, easing Victor to the side. “I’ll go.”

“He’s in the library,” he said. “First door on your right. To keep the noise down, I’ll stay out here with your friends.” He motioned to them. “Let’s get off the porch. It echoes.”

Liam left the porch with the others, having them step out into the yard. Luke and Victor continued to look back at me while I was in view.

I was more intimidated stepping into the house alone. The foyer’s air was cool, and the space dim. When I closed the door behind myself, I stilled. How desperate I’d been to get to him, yet here I was, so close and hesitating.

Part of me was worried I’d done something horrible to Nathan. Liam had said he was destroying himself.

He didn’t deserve to feel like that. I did. I should have come after him sooner.

The thin bit of light coming from the library drew my attention. He was in there. Waiting.

What was I going to say?

“Sang?” a woman’s voice whispered from the stairs.

Startled, I jolted where I stood.

Lily was standing on the top step. Like a ghost, she descended, coming to me. Her footsteps were light on the stairs, barely making a sound. Her pale face loomed close.

She whispered to me. “Don’t tell Liam, but I’ve been listening to them talk in the library.”

So she knew everything? “You were hiding?”

“Liam is a lot like your Nathan. Protective. And once they started talking, I didn’t want to interrupt. Sometimes it’s better if the guys share together. They can relate a bit more.”

I looked toward the library and then back to her. “I needed to ask you something.”

“I figured you were hesitating for a reason,” she said. “Why aren’t you going to him?”

“Because...I don’t know if I should do this. To them. Encourage them into a relationship like this.”

She nodded slowly. “Because you saw him with someone else?”

My lips quivered. I didn’t want to picture Danielle with Nathan, but it was one of the images in my head I fought against. “It seems so unfair, but I don’t want to change...with him. And...” I didn’t know how to express myself to her.

Slowly, she reached for me, putting a comforting hand on my back.

I stood where I was, in the dark with her, trying to put my raging emotions in check. Part of me was surprised I didn’t recoil from her, like I had with other people.

Lily smoothed her hand carefully over the jacket I wore. “Don’t be afraid to face him,” she said. “What you’re doing now—waiting—that’s the hardest part. Once you see him, once you’re near him, you’ll feel better. And you should forgive him.”

“I do. I know...it wasn’t intentional.”

“Don’t go to him crying,” she said. “Don’t tell him your doubts right now. He’s doubting enough. He needs to know you care. He needs to know they all care about him. We can sort out the other part later, okay? He just needs you.”

I nodded, willing to do as she said, wishing more than anything to repair what had been damaged. “Okay.”

“Don’t make him wait.” She urged me forward.

Once she nudged me, I moved without thought, floating to the library.

She stepped away as I opened the door, facing this alone.

It was up to me.