Seventeen
My parents were ecstatic that I had the money finally, and encouraged me to use it and be practical, but also to buy myself something nice.
“I’m getting Cara this purse she’s wanted for ages.” I was literally on my laptop ordering it while I was talking to them.
“But get something for yourself, Loren. Something frivolous and fun,” my mom said. “You deserve to have fun after working so hard for so long.” I promised her that I would find something like that to spend a little of the money on. They also recommended that I find someone who could help me invest a little of the money, for tax purposes, and also for the future. I guess I was going to find out what the fuck an IRA was at last.
I asked Cara to give me a ballpark of how much money she would need, and she gave it to me exactly, right down to the cents. I glanced at the number and then added a bunch to it before I transferred the amount to her bank account.
She got the notification of a deposit on her phone and her mouth dropped open.
“Loren. What did you do?”
“I gave you more money. For books and incidentals and shit. You’re going to need fancy clothes for your fancy school. And like, scrubs and so forth. I don’t know anything about grad school, obviously. I just know you need a lot of money for a lot of stuff.”
Cara shook her head.
“I’m transferring the extra right back,” she said, but I was quick and snatched the phone out of her hand.
“I don’t think so.” I held the phone out of reach.
“Lo, you can’t let me have that much money. I’ll never pay you back.” I shrugged, still holding the phone out of reach.
“So? I didn’t want you to pay me back in the first place. That was your idea. I’m happy to give you most of it. I probably should have given you more.” She shook her head and sighed. I hoped that was a sigh of defeat. She could transfer the money back, but I would just put it in her account again. I wasn’t going to let this go.
“I’m stubborn as fuck, Care. You know you can’t win.” I smirked and she held her hand out for the phone.
“I really shouldn’t let you do this,” she said.
“But you’re going to because I’m so cute and persuasive.” She rolled her eyes to the ceiling.
“Why are you like this?”
“Because?” I handed her the phone back, but I was instantly ready to go for it again if she tried to trick me and send the money back.
“You’re keeping that damn money and you’re going to use it to get through school and then you’re gonna be the best damn PA the world has ever seen and I will have the honor of being your best friend. That’s more than enough for me.”
Cara was trying not to smile.
“Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you, Lo.”
I almost blurted out something completely inappropriate about things she could do with me.
I seriously needed to get my shit together. This whole marriage thing had messed with my head, and I was acting like we were a real couple. I had to stop doing that. At least I’d managed to stop myself before I said something I would regret. Unlike that kiss the other day. We still hadn’t talked about it, and I hoped we never would. I wanted to push that so far aside that I forgot that it even happened and it vanished from my consciousness. That would be great, to have a nice little memory eraser to get rid of the things you definitely did not want to think about anymore.
“Just get me a nice card. One of the ones that costs like eight dollars. Then we’re even.” She snorted and got up from her bed. We were still waiting for our couch, so we usually ended up in her room when we hung out since her bed was bigger than mine.
“I can’t believe it’s all happening. The money and moving in and all that. My brain can’t catch up that this is all reality and it’s happening to me. You made that possible and I can never thank you.” Oh, here we go again.
I got up and put my arms around her shoulders.
“You don’t have to thank me. You would have done the same, and that’s all I need to know.” I thought I could feel her heart racing, so I let go, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.
“You’re everything to me, Loren. I’m so glad you’re my best friend.”
“And fake wife,” I said.
“And that.” Her voice cracked a little bit, and I thought that she might be crying. I hoped they were tears of happiness. This money solved so many problems for us. Not all of them, but a hell of a lot of them.
“I love you so much, Lo,” she said into my shirt.
“I love you so much, Care.” She was definitely crying and I wasn’t sure what to say to make it better, so I just did what I usually did. I held her tight and let her have a moment. When she was ready to talk (or not), she knew I was there. I’d never thought I was super good at emotional support, but I guess I’d done well enough with Cara because she was still here.
Cara stayed in my arms for what felt like ages, and I didn’t think she was crying anymore, but I guess she still wanted to be held, so I was going to hold her. Forever, if I had to. I’d taken vows, after all, even if we were going to annul them. Yeah, I didn’t want to think about that.
I felt her let out a huge breath and then she let go of me.
“Thanks,” she said, her eyes and cheeks a little red.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She nodded and wiped her cheeks.
“Just overwhelmed, I guess. With everything. This has been a really busy month.” It had, and I didn’t want to stop and think about it. Too much had happened and there was no use going back and overthinking it now.
“It’s going to be really busy when you’re in school. I’m probably never going to see you. I’ll be here and you’ll just live in the library and your room and coffee shops and only come up for air and food and showers.”
“You’ll be there to make sure I eat and don’t get too stinky,” she said.
“Yup, that is one of my best friend duties.” I saluted her and she laughed before reaching for a tissue to blow her nose.
Something hung in the air, something unsaid. I had sensed its presence ever since before the wedding, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. These few weeks had been some of the happiest and most confusing of my life so far.
“Do you ever feel like... like you don’t know yourself as well as you thought you did?” Whoa, that was some deep shit. I needed to sit down for this. I claimed my spot on her bed and patted the spot next to me. She sat down and I could tell from the wrinkles on her forehead that she was wrestling with something.
“What do you mean?”
She fiddled with the edge of her blanket, twisting and untwisting it.
“I’m not sure. I guess I’m just having this feeling that something has changed and I don’t know what it is, but it’s happening and I can’t stop it.” I still didn’t really know what she meant, but I kind of thought I did?
“Does it have to do with the money or school or anything?” I asked. I needed to narrow this down so I could figure out how to talk to her about it so we could fix it.
She shook her head.
“No, it’s me. I’m not explaining this right, but I don’t know how to explain it.” I was going to take a stab at this, and hopefully, some of my words would be right.
“People change, Care. We’re supposed to as we get older. And sometimes we hide things deep down inside about ourselves because we’re scared, or because we’ve been taught to be scared, and to lie to ourselves about who we are. Is that what you mean?”
She stared at me for a few seconds.
“Yes. I think so. I feel like I need to talk to someone.”
“You can talk to me about anything, you know that.” She gave me a sad smile.
“This time I think this is something I need to talk to a professional about. A therapist. I just... I need some help, Lo. I just need some help.” Now I was going to cry, both because she was hurting, and because I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.
“Then you should. You do whatever you need to do, Care. I’m here for you and I’ll support you. Always and forever. I just want you to be happy and safe and to know I love you.” And there were the waterworks. I was all choked up and she was crying again.
“That means a lot. I wasn’t sure how to tell you. I’ve been feeling this way since before everything happened and I feel like now that so many things are going on, I need to get this figured out before I go to school. I don’t want to be distracted by anything when I’m trying to focus.” That made complete sense.
“That’s really smart. I’m proud of you, Care, for speaking up and realizing that you need some help. Everyone does at some point in their life, but not everyone is willing to say that they do. That takes a lot of courage.” I reached for the box of tissues, pulling out one for myself and handing the box to Cara.
“Is it just me, or have we cried way more since we got married than in the years before? It’s getting ridiculous at this point.” We both laughed and blew our noses.
“It’s like we turned on our emotional faucets and don’t know how to turn them off. I hope I’m not constantly crying through school in the fall. I can’t deal with that and exams.” I didn’t blame her. I was looking forward to having less emotional upheaval in my life. I wanted things to be boring and quiet. That sounded really nice.
I STARTED MY JOB THAT week, and I could tell I was really going to like it. Nothing stressful or hard, and I got to see all sorts of pretty art. Not too bad at all. I also met some of my coworkers and they were all ages and backgrounds, all sweet and helpful and interesting. No doubt I would get annoyed with them in a few months, but during training they were all ideal coworkers.
Cara called her doctor and got a referral to see a therapist. It still crushed me that I couldn’t help her on my own, but I was glad she had found someone who could.
The purse came for her and she screamed when she opened it.
“Are you mad?” I asked as she hugged the purse to her chest and twirled around the room.
“What?” she said, humming a waltz and dancing with the bag.
“Never mind,” I said, laughing. I think it was safe to say she loved the bag.
Our furniture came and the couch fit perfectly in our living room and ended up being just the right size. I had to admit, the other pieces that Cara had picked out really made the room look nice. Like two adults lived in it, and not just two broke college students who didn’t know how to decorate. I even asked for her help with my room, and upgraded my twin bed at last. I splurged on a fancy mattress and I’d had no idea how much of a difference a good mattress could make. My back stopped randomly spasming the same week the mattress came in and I didn’t think that was a coincidence.
We also got our wedding pictures back and decided to frame a few of them and set them on top of one of the shelves Cara had also ordered to decorate the living room. Our bouquets sat in vases beside the television. Just like a real married couple.
My parents called even more than they used to and spent half of their time chatting with Cara. They were taking this daughter-in-law thing seriously. I always rolled my eyes and handed the phone to her when they asked.
“They love you more than they love me,” I pouted one night.
“They do not. They’re just happy we’re under the same roof. I feel like I should remind them that we aren’t a couple, but I don’t want to rain on their parade.” I knew exactly how she felt. I’d given up on reminding my parents of that. They never listened.
Things were going fine with our friends, and I guess Cara and I got more comfortable with lying to them, which probably wasn’t a good thing. Ansel hadn’t brought up telling them the truth again, which was a relief. I did find him watching us with a critical eye every now and then and I could see the wheels turning in his head, as if he was trying to put something together. I wasn’t sure what it meant, and I had too much going on to try and figure it out.
As far as the money situation, I told my friends that my parents had given me some money from my grandmother, and Cara told them she’d gotten a good financial aid package. They didn’t seem to need more than that. It wasn’t completely a lie. Cara’s financial aid was good. The check had cleared and she was almost ready to sign up for classes for the fall semester. I was preparing for the house to be covered in medial books, and for Cara to basically go into hibernation and never see me again. Until then, I was going to take all the time I could with her.
We did almost everything together. I had lived in Boston for years, but I’d never done a lot of the silly things that tourists did when they came to town. We rode the duckboats and went to all the museums and galleries and even participated in a reenactment of the Boston Tea party by shoving boxes overboard from a boat. There were whale watches and kayaking and walking the Freedom Trail and touring breweries. Cara got so enthusiastic and wanted to do anything and everything, and I was more than happy to go with her. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and she wasn’t scared to look like a dork, even when one place required us to put on colonial mobcaps and churn butter. I’d never seen her so carefree, or seen her smile and laugh so much. I just wanted to be around that. Who wouldn’t?
I also wondered if it had anything to do with her new therapist. After her first session, I’d asked her how it had gone and she’d said it was good, and didn’t give me many other details. I didn’t want to pry, so I didn’t bug her about it, even though I was dying to know. I was trying not to be hurt that there were things that she couldn’t talk to me about. And I sincerely hoped that the thing she couldn’t talk to me about wasn’t... me.
She hadn’t said anything about annulment and I didn’t bring it up. The very idea of undoing our marriage (even if it was fake) made me feel like I was going to throw up. I knew that annulling it wouldn’t undo the ceremony we’d had or everything that had happened, but still. We’d done it and I didn’t want to undo it. Yet. Not yet.