Twenty
Sleep was elusive again. Every time I tried to share a bed with Cara, my sleep button malfunctioned. What was up with that? It was incredibly frustrating.
I tossed and turned, hoping I wouldn’t wake Cara with my fussing. I couldn’t find a position where my body was comfortable, no matter what. I kind of gave up on trying to sleep, hoping that I could trick my brain with reverse psychology.
I started trying to remember song lyrics from when I was young, which was one of my favorite things to do when I couldn’t sleep. I was working on the lyrics to one particular song when I felt Cara wake up beside me.
I froze and tried to calm my breathing so she would think I was asleep. She made some noises and got up to use the bathroom. I calmed my face and willed my body to act like it was in sleep mode. I didn’t know why I was pretending. What did it matter?
Cara came back and lay back down, sighing. I expected her to go right back to sleep, but I could feel her restless energy beside me. Now she was the one tossing and turning. I heard her softly swear.
“Are you awake?” she whispered, touching my shoulder. I cracked my eyes open.
“Sort of,” I said, my voice rough.
“Can’t sleep?” she asked. I shook my head.
“Me neither.” She groaned.
“You were sleepy earlier,” I said.
“I know, but now I’m not. My brain won’t stop thinking about things.”
I turned on my side to face her.
“What kind of things?”
She stared at the ceiling.
“I can’t tell you.”
Here we go again.
“Then I can’t really help you, Cara.” It was late, I was tired, and I couldn’t sleep. My patience was wearing thin.
“Fine,” she said, as if she’d come to some sort of decision.
Suddenly, both her hands were on my face and she was Right. There.
“What are you doing?” My brain skidded to a halt, and I couldn’t even breathe.
“Showing you what I’m thinking about, since I can’t find the right words.”
I made some sputtering noises, like a car that wouldn’t start. I still couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on.
Her face inched closer to mine and it finally clicked.
Was she going to kiss me?
“Tell me to stop and I will,” she said, her lips so close that I could smell the toothpaste on her breath and feel the warmth from her skin.
I couldn’t form the words. I didn’t want Cara to kiss me. Right?
I shouldn’t want my best friend, who was definitely heterosexual, to kiss me. Was this a fucking dream, because it was a confusing one.
I tried to open my mouth and tell her not to kiss me. The words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t say them. Mostly because they weren’t true.
It was as if I’d been hit by a truck full of realizations and was drowning in them. I started shaking and Cara was none-too-steady.
“Tell me if you want me to stop,” she said again, but I shook my head.
“What does that mean? That you want me to stop?” I shook my head again.
“You want me to...” she trailed off and I nodded. Once. She let out a shaky breath. Her fingers trembled on my cheeks.
I was strung so tight, I thought I might snap in two if she didn’t do something right fucking now.
She stopped with her lips almost exactly pressed to mine. I could barely feel them and that pissed me off. If she was going to kiss me, she might as well kiss me. I didn’t know why she was kissing me, or what it meant, but right now it didn’t matter. All that mattered was her mouth touching mine.
I lunged forward, causing our noses to bump, but neither of us seemed to care. It was a clumsy kiss, a careless kiss. A nervous kiss.
It was also the best fucking kiss of my entire life. Hands down. Cara was slow to respond, and I almost stopped and pulled away, worried I’d done the wrong thing. She’d been the one to initiate, but maybe she’d changed her mind.
Doubts filled my mind and I started to panic, but that was when her fingers started stroking my cheeks and her lips responded to my haphazard kiss. Normally I had more skill and finesse, but this was not one of those times.
She sucked in a breath and kissed me back, pushing a little in a way that made me push back. We started to figure out a rhythm and how to fit our faces together and when to breathe. Her tongue was darting and tentative, as if this was the first time she’d ever kissed anyone. Distantly I realized that this was probably only the third time she had ever kissed a girl.
I pressed myself closer to her and finally let my hands touch her. I hadn’t wanted to crowd her at first, but she was responding so well that I decided to give it a shot. I caressed her shoulders and then her arms, reaching to pull her closer. She made the cutest little sound of pleasure and ground her body into mine. My brain checked out and went on vacation and let my body take over. Every nerve exploded with fireworks where we touched. Her hands squeezed my hips, bringing me closer as she thrust against me again. I moaned and opened my mouth into hers, our tongues clashing together in a frenzy. Things were still a little frantic and sloppy, and only getting more so. I wanted more, so much more.
Her hands dug into my hips, probably leaving red marks behind. I wanted her to leave marks. I wanted to have a visual reminder that yes, this had actually happened and it wasn’t a fever dream or a hallucination.
Cara reached for me with her tongue, diving so far into my mouth, I was afraid I might swallow her. Air was inconsequential at the moment. The only thing that I cared about was that she kept kissing me. I wanted Cara to kiss me forever. This could be my new full-time job. Just kissing her. I had plenty of money; I could support myself and give my life up to kissing her. That would be a life well-lived because kissing Cara was unlike any other experience I’d ever had in my life.
It wasn’t just that she was my best friend. It wasn’t just because I had apparently been waiting for this kiss for my whole life. It wasn’t the way our bodies fit together, as if they’d been created to be with one another. It wasn’t the little sounds she made and the way she kept trying to pull me closer and closer.
It was everything. She was everything to me, and always had been and somehow it took her kissing me to realize. And not even kissing me the first time. This was technically our third kiss. Not that I was counting.
Cara yanked at me and I almost laughed at how she was trying to pull me on top of her. I would rather have died than put on the brakes, but I was starting to gasp from the lack of oxygen in my pursuit of her lips. My eyes rolled back in my head and desire exploded in my veins as she tooth my bottom lip between her teeth and tugged at it. Why was that so fucking hot? To be fair, everything she was doing was hot. Her demanding hands, her impatient mouth, her noises of want.
I was utterly consumed by her and I didn’t ever want this moment to stop. With trembling fingers, I started to slip under her shirt, being careful not to go too far in case I pushed her. I’d had sex with girls before; she hadn’t (that I knew of, unless she’d been keeping the biggest fucking secret).
“Stop,” she said into my mouth, and withdrew. I froze with my fingers just creeping under the hem of her tank top. Neither of us was wearing a bra, and her nipples were hard against mine.
“Okay,” I said, my chest heaving with the effort of stopping. She was shaking all over.
“What is it, Care?” I said, brushing some of her hair back from her face. It was all over the place, and I was pretty sure I’d gotten some of it in my mouth earlier.
“I think I’m queer,” she whispered so softly that I could barely hear her. The words still rocked me down to my foundation.
“What?” This wasn’t possible. I knew Cara. I knew anything and everything about her. I would have known.
“I think I’m queer. I mean, I am about ninety percent sure. That’s... that’s what I’ve been talking to my therapist about.” My body felt like it was falling, even though I was lying down.
“How long have you known?” This night had gone from surreal to completely dreamlike. Could this be happening?
“I’m not really sure. I suspected before the wedding. Probably for the past year. Then we got married and everything just kind of got weird and I didn’t know what to do or how to talk to you about it. I don’t know, I feel like the wedding just kind of was my catalyst.” I was reeling.
“So, do you...” I trailed off, unsure of where I was even going with that sentence.
“I have feelings for you, Loren. Something that’s different than friendship. Yes, that is still there, but there’s more on top of that. I just... you’re my everything.” My breath caught in my chest and time completely stopped.
“Am I really awake? This isn’t a hallucination?” That made her chuckle softly.
“No, you’re awake. I didn’t mean to kiss and drop this on you, but I’ve been thinking about it for weeks and wanting to tell you and talk to you and I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. So I figured the best way to do it was to show you.”
“Show, don’t tell,” I said, making a terrible joke.
“Pretty much,” she said.
“So wait, can we back up for a second? This is all kind of happening at once and I want to make sure I’ve got this straight. Or not, I guess.” Another bad joke.
“Do you want me to turn on the light?” Cara asked, but I shook my head.
“No, it’s easier to do this in the dark for some reason.” I didn’t want the light to shatter everything that had just happened.
“Okay.”
“So you, Cara Lynne Simms, are telling me that you are mostly likely queer, and you have more than friendship feelings for me. Did I get that right?” Even saying it out loud didn’t make this situation feel more concrete and real.
“Yes, you got that right.”
“Oh,” I said, exhaling the syllable.
“Exactly. I know you probably need time to process and um, if you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, I can figure my shit out and we’ll get the annulment and I can move into student housing and –”
I cut her off with another kiss. Now it was my turn to say what I meant without words. I went right for the inside of her mouth and she opened immediately, as if she’d been waiting for me. Like we had never taken a pause.
I told her with my body what I couldn’t articulate in words. Not yet anyway. I poured everything into this kiss, as if it was both the first and the last. I gave her my heart. All of it poured out until I had nothing left. That was the only way I could articulate my feelings for her. My show and my tell.
I ended my declaration with a few soft kisses, nuzzling her lips and nose.
“Does that answer your question about my feelings for you?”
Now Cara was speechless.
“You like me?” I burst out laughing.
“Yes, Cara, I like like you. A whole fucking hell of a lot. I have no idea when it started. Maybe I’ve always loved you, but I just never saw it. I told myself that what I felt for you was regular friendship. But ever since you moved in, things have just... escalated. I have been staring at you. And I can’t stop thinking about you. Those vows I made to you, they were real. I pulled them from the depths of my soul. I meant it when I promised to be yours. I just didn’t know, but now I do. I’ve known for weeks, but I’ve been in such deep denial. I don’t know why. Maybe because you’re too good to be true and I don’t think I deserve you. I definitely don’t deserve you.”
Cara put her index finger on my lips.
“Stop that. I don’t want to hear that you don’t deserve me. Because you, Loren Alyssa, deserve the fucking world. I’m only sorry I can’t give it to you. Who else would have given up thousands upon thousands of dollars to someone else without even thinking twice about it? You married me, Lo. You married me to help me live my dreams. Who else would have done that for me?”
“I needed the money too,” I said, my voice muffled behind her finger.
“I know you did, but I also know that if you hadn’t needed the money, you would have lied and said you did and married me anyway. You’ve given me the world, Loren. The entire fucking world.” I put my arms around her, buried my head in her shoulder and started to cry. Guess the waterworks weren’t letting up anytime soon.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I said into her hair.
“I know. I didn’t intend for this to happen tonight. I was going to plan everything out and make a grand declaration, or maybe be a little more rational and not kiss-attack you, but then it kind of happened.”
“It did,” I said, and I meant more than the kiss.
We held each other until we both fell asleep, my fingers in her hair.