It’s just gone 7:00 p.m. on a Tuesday, and I lie on the lounge and stare at the news on the television

They’re talking, but I’m not listening. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve heard a sound other than Ben’s voice since I left him ten days ago in Prague.

I love you…

I need you…

I kill people.

Everything seems like a hazy blur, and even though I’ve been through this before with Ben this time it’s worse.

This time I know it’s final.

Last time I had questions. I needed answers and closure.

This time I know all the facts, and closure is the only option.

As much as we love each other, love isn’t enough.

He can’t change who he is and I can’t accept what he is.

It’s one hell of a situation to be in; one where there is no winner, and the worst part about it is that I know he’ll be suffering, too.

Only he’ll be suffering alone, because I know he won’t have told anyone what happened between us. I smile sadly as I realise that I know him better than anyone.

He’ll be at the gym, or in a bar.

My mind takes me to a dark place, and I have to wonder… has he sought solace in another woman’s arms yet?

I get a visual of him making love to another woman and I scrunch my eyes shut to block it out. My poor heart hurts.

“Ben,” I whisper as my eyes fill with tears.

I’ve cried so many tears that I don’t know how I have any body fluids left.

I know we just got back together, but seeing as I’ve loved Ben for five years

the heartache doesn’t seem to equal the time we spent together.

It’s official… this is the worst kind of breakup. It would have been much easier if he played up on me, or told me he didn’t want me anymore.

At least then I could be angry. I could be furious that he treated me so badly, and I could go out and drink and have fun as payback. Hell has no fury like a woman scorned and all that.

But I know he’s alone in his apartment. Even if he is with another woman, he would still be alone because she won’t know him. She won’t know anything about him.

She won’t know how to make his pancakes just right, or that when he goes silent it’s because something is bothering him. She won’t know the way he looks at you when he loves you, even though he can’t tell you with words. I know for sure that she won’t know how to love him as much as I do… because it’s impossible. Nobody will ever know that.

The tears run down into my ears, and my companion is back. That painful lump in my throat comes and stays when I cry. I’m so rundown I got tonsillitis. It was so bad that I’ve had to go on a course of antibiotics to clear the infection. This whole month has been a disaster.

“Oh, Ben,” I whisper sadly. I know more than anyone how hard he’s had it, and yet… I just can’t get past this.

How can I? How could anyone?

Knock, knock, knock.

I blow out a breath and put my head back onto the lounge.

Just leave me alone already.

Tash and Abbie are hovering way too much. Joshua even told them to leave me alone this morning. He can see that I just want to be left alone. I know they mean well, but honestly.

I drag myself up and open the door, to find Brock standing there. “You look like shit,” he mutters dryly.

I look at him, deadpan. “You came all the way over here to state the obvious?”

He holds up a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream and smiles cheekily. “I brought supplies.”

“Yeah, because a hangover is just what I need.” I gesture for him to come in. He walks to the kitchen, grabs two glasses, and fills them with ice and the mocha fluid.

I sit back down on the lounge and he passes me my drink. I take a sip as he falls into place beside me.

“Hmm, yum.” I frown as I stare at the glass. “I haven’t had this for ages.”

“I thought I would repay the favour.”

“How so?”

“Don’t you remember? Bailey’s heart healer, you called it.”

I frown, not understanding.

“Alison Landers?”

I put my hand over my chest and chuckle. “Oh, my God. I haven’t heard that name in years.”

“Yeah, that bitch slayed me.” Brock sighs with a shake of his head.

He holds his glass up and I clink mine with his, and I laugh. “You dodged a bullet—she was a total bitch.”

“Hot bitch with a smoking vagina, though.”

I giggle. “True.” I sip my drink. “Hey, thanks.” I bump his shoulder with mine. “This is thoughtful of you.”

“Anything for my favourite PA.”

“Like you had so many other applicants for the position.”

He smiles, and we watch the television in silence for a moment.

“I’m glad you left him,” he states as his eyes stay fixed on the television.

I glance over to him and sip my drink. “What brought on this change of heart?”

He shrugs. “He’s a weak prick.”

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. “He is not. Don’t speak about him like that,” I snap.

I can talk bad about him, but nobody else had dare say a bad word.

“Well, if you were my girl, I would be back here fighting for you.”

“I’m not your girl, and it’s not that simple.” I sip my drink, annoyed that he dared call him weak. Ben is anything but weak.

“I spoke to him today.”

My eyes flicker to him. “Is he all right?”

He shrugs. “Like he would tell me if he wasn’t.”

I nod sadly, because that’s true.

“Why did you come home without him?” he asks.

“You know why,” I mutter as I stare at the television.

“Yeah, no, I want the truth, not the fucking bullshit you told the girls. You didn’t have a fight at all.”

I continue to stare straight ahead. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”

“Did you find out what he does?”

I glare at him. “You already know the fucking answer to that, Brock. Don’t act dumb.”

He clenches his jaw as he contemplates his next line of firing.

“Tell me, Bridget… what do you think I do in the Navy?”

I frown. “You’re a SEAL.”

“And being a SEAL is an honourable job?”

I bite my bottom lip. “Yeah, it is, actually.”

“And being a Delta Soldier isn’t?”

“This is different, Brock, and you know it is.”

“How?”

“Because he kills people!” I snap.

“So do I.”

I scrunch up my face. “Fuck off. Don’t turn this around. I can’t deal with what he’s done. I will never been able to deal with what he’s done.”

He stares at me for a moment. “Wow,” he mutters dryly.

“And yet your own brother does the same kind of job and you worship him.”

I roll my eyes. “Oh, please. When do I worship you? I’m proud of you; there’s a big difference.”

“Freedom isn’t free, Bridget. It comes at a price.”

“Go home. You’re pissing me off.”

He drains his glass and stands. “He told me to tell you to go back to Eric.”

“What?”

Oh, no.

“W-what else did he say?” I stammer

“That Eric is the kind of guy you want.”

My face falls.

“And for me to make sure you’re okay.” He pauses. “I picked his car up from the airport and dropped it back at his apartment for him.”

“Is he coming home to sort it?” I ask hopefully.

“No. And this time it was different.”

I frown as I watch him. “What do you mean?”

“He said he was cutting all ties.”

I fall back, defeated.

“I told him you loved him.”

My eyes flash up to his. “What did he say to that?”

“He said not enough. He said you didn’t love him enough to stay. He said you gave up on him.”

Not enough?

He walks toward the door. “So, anyway, go back to Eric and live your safe little Stepford wife gig. I’m sure you’ll be real happy with a law-abiding Ned Flanders husband.”

It hurts to have Brock speak to me like this. He has always been on my side, and my eyes fill with tears. “Fuck you,” I whisper.

He walks out the door and then turns back. “But do me a favour, hey?”

I stare at him.

“Don’t pretend to support my job in the Forces, because your double standards are fucking pathetic. You constantly tell me how proud you are of me, but when the man you claim to love does the same job, he’s a criminal. You need a fucking reality-check.”

“Get out,” I sneer.

“Do you want me to call Eric?” he asks sarcastically. “I can get him around here in half an hour. He’s probably at home scrapbooking.”

I slam the door in his face.

Go fuck yourself.

I stare at the ceiling in the darkness. It’s 3:00 a.m.

The witching hour.

The time when I feel like I’m going to explode with emotion if I don’t find a way to hold him in my arms again.

What’s he doing now?

It’s 10:00 in the morning over there. Has he gone back to work? I get a crystal-clear image of him in the gym working out, and I smile into the darkness.

There he is…

I’ve had an off feeling since Brock left tonight. He hit a nerve—something I don’t know if I want to address.

I do appreciate our armed forces, and I am super proud of Brock and his job as a SEAL.

So, why can’t I feel that way about Ben?

Is it shock? Is it the way I found out? I mean, if I found out that he was a sniper as he went off to war, would I have had the same reaction?

No. I know I wouldn’t.

A sniper in a war is different to a sniper in society.

But is it?

I roll over, disgusted where my thought process is leading me.

A sniper during war does what he is told by his leaders, and he takes care of the enemy threats.

Isn’t that what Ben does? Is there really a difference?

Stop it! Stop right there.

I get out of bed in a rush and go to get a drink of water. I stand at the sink as I drink it. Of course there is a difference. Ben looks them in the eyes before he kills them. He’s a murderer. A cold-blooded killer. I close my eyes because, although those are the facts, I know it’s not true.

Brock’s words roll over me again.

But do me a favour, hey? Don’t pretend to support my job in the Forces, because your double standards are fucking pathetic. You constantly tell me how proud you are of me, but when the man you claim to love does the same job, he’s a criminal. You need a fucking reality-check.”

“Get out.”

The man I claim to love.

I frown as I process those words. The man I claim to love.

Maybe I don’t love him. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of being in love with him. Maybe he was just this guy from my past who I hero-worshipped as an excuse to push other men away.

I stare into space as I think. It’s possible.

I take my water back to my room, knowing I need to think on this.

I lie down in the darkness and search my soul for the answers.

Elizabeth reads the typed letter I have passed her. Her glasses are on the end of her nose as she sits behind her big fancy desk. I feel my stomach churn with nerves.

She looks up at me. “You’re resigning?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“I’m moving to America and I’m not sure when I will be returning.”

“When do you want to finish?”

“Effectively. I fly out tonight.”

She frowns. “Your contract clearly states that I need four-weeks’ notice.”

“I’m on holidays,” I reply flatly. “I didn’t need to even come back but I thought it was the right thing to do.” I drop my head. “This is something that is out of my control and I couldn’t have foreseen it. I-I’m sorry to put you out, but I know there are one too many staff members in my area anyway,” I stammer.

She watches me calmly.

“This way, you won’t have to offer a redundancy to anyone later in the year.”

She leans forward and links her hands on top of her desk. “Tell me, Bridget, are you moving for a man?”

My eyes hold hers. “Yes.”

“Is he worth it?”

I smile softly. “Yes, he is.”

She stands and shakes my hand. “Good luck.”

* * *

I walk down the three steps into Jack’s Bar and look around with a smile on my face. My friends are at a bench table positioned towards the back, and I make my way over to them.

“Hey!” they all call, and we slap hands in greeting. It’s 10:00 p.m. on a Sunday, and the place is just heating up.

I feel a sense of calm sweep over me. I’ve missed my friends. Jed, Rick, Ethan, and Matt are all in the same job and all living in Washington, the same as me.

Not many people understand what we do, but these are my people. We’ve been in the service together from a really young age.

We depend on each other. Rick’s the only one who’s married. His wife, Ally, looks after all of us, the poor bitch. She’s pregnant and has to deal with the five of us fussing over her now. Their baby is due in four months. I’m excited for it.

Ethan and Matt are having a fuckfest at the all-you-can-eat buffet, and Jed has a regular girl who is annoying as fuck. Well, she is to me, anyway.

“How was Australia?” Jed asks as he hands me my beer.

I take it and sit down at the table. “Good.” I sip my beer. “What have you guys been up to?” I turn my attention to Rick. “How’s Ally?”

He smiles broadly. “She’s good! Fucking hot. I’m telling you… pregnant sex is ridiculously good. I can’t get enough of her.”

We all laugh and Ethan frowns. “Why is it so good? I don’t get it. I’ve heard guys say this before.”

Rick shrugs. “I don’t know, it just is.”

“Does it feel different?” Ethan frowns, needing more information. “Like, is it tighter or something?”

Rick frowns as he tries to articulate his thoughts. “It does. She’s all heightened in her senses, but maybe it’s better because I feel different about her. It’s deeper because my baby is growing inside her.”

We all listen intently.

Matt screws up his face. “Yeah, the thought doesn’t do it for me, hey?” He thinks on it. “Like, a baby in bed with me.” He purses his lips. “I may not be able to get it up when my wife is pregnant.” He raises his eyebrows in thought. “I’ll have to buy her a vibrator for the baby shower.”

“You won’t have to worry, since nobody will ever marry you,” I reply dryly into my beer.

“Yeah, and a vibrator would be better than your dick anyway. She’d be excited to finally get off,” Jed adds.

We all chuckle and Matt holds his beer up in a cheers gesture with a cheeky wink.

“How’s your girl? Did she come home with you?” Rick asks, and the table’s attention turns to me.

I pause for a moment. “Yeah, it didn’t work out.” I sip my beer again and they all fall silent. “She’s still in Australia.”

“What happened?” Matt frowns.

I shrug. “Nothing.” I look around the bar to evade their questioning eyes. “Change the subject,” I snap.

They all exchange looks and I drink my beer, pretending not to notice.

“What happened on this hit?” Eric frowns.

“I was in a café in Australia with Bridget, and John and Ross came in.”

“Wait. They came to Australia and approached you in front of Bridget?” Rick frowns.

I nod.

“What the fuck?” Ethan whispers.

“They told me I had one more job to do before my discharge papers would be signed.” They all listen intently. “So, I went to Prague and prepared to do the hit.”

“Hi, Ben,” a sexy voice says through an obvious smile, and I feel a hand run up my thigh. I turn to see Belinda, a girl I used to know.

She smiles and leans over to kiss my cheek. “I haven’t seen you in years.” Her hand runs up over my thigh under the table, and my eyes hold hers. Belinda and I used to fuck. We met at the gym. We fucked a lot.

“Boys, this is Belinda,” I introduce her.

The boys all stare. Belinda is one of the hottest women you will ever see. Long blonde hair, huge tits, and one hell of a body. She’s wearing a skin-tight black dress with a plunging neckline. Nothing has been left to the imagination.

“Hi.”

They all clamber to shake her hand.

She puts her arm around my shoulders as I sit on the stool. “God, you look good, Ben.” She readjusts my neckline on my shirt. “We need to catch up.”

I roll my lips and my eyes flicker to hers. “Yeah, maybe later. I’m just in the middle of something,” I say, effectively dismissing her.

She laughs, and her tits wobble right in front of my face. “I’m holding you to that.” She leans in and whispers in my ear, “You’re coming home with me tonight.” She bends and kisses my cheek, and I feel her breath on my neck. An unwelcome twinge makes an appearance. I inhale sharply.

“Later,” I reply.

She turns and gives the boys a cute wave with her fingertips before she sashays through the crowd. We all watch her ass in that dress disappear.

Ethan releases a low whistle. “Fucking hell, Buzz, you get the hottest chicks.”

I sip my drink, void of emotion. All except the one I want.

“Anyway, where were we?” Rick asks.

I shake my head, rattled by that blast from the past. “Oh, yes. I was in a café with Bridget and they approached us.”

“So, you did get her back?” Jed frowns.

“Briefly.” I sigh. “Anyway, she left, and they told me I had one more job to do.”

They all drink their beer while they listen.

“I went to Prague, checked in, and followed normal procedure.” I sip my beer quickly. “And then Bridget turned up.”

Their faces fall in horror.

“She busts into the room, pretending to be room service, and makes me listen to a recording on her phone.”

Ethan frowns. “Wait, I’m confused. What was Bridget doing in Prague?”

“Will you let me finish?” I reply.

He holds up his beer in apology.

“The day we were in the café, back when the hit was ordered, Bridget left her phone on the table.” I glance over and see Belinda dancing sexily with three girlfriends. I snap my eyes away. Fucking hell, she’s distracting. “Um.” I pause as I try to concentrate. “Her phone had been fucking up and was recording shit.”

They all frown. “How does that happen?”

I shrug. “I don’t know.” I rub my hand through my hair. “She heard the whole thing, the hit, me accepting the job. The whole fucking thing.”

Their eyes widen. “Fuck,” Ethan whispers.

“That’s not the worst of it,” I continue. “The phone kept recording after I left.”

“Where was it?” Matt asks.

“Under a napkin, nobody saw it. It recorded them saying that after the hit was carried out, the car they’d hired for me had been tampered with and I would meet my maker and nobody would be the wiser. They planned on killing me.”

“Fuck,” Rick whispers as he sits back in shock. “What did you do?”

“I called it in.”

“What did they say?”

“That they would trace them and get back to me, so I sent Bridget to a hotel to be safe and pretended I missed the shot.”

Ethan frowns. ‘They would have known. You never miss a shot.”

I shrug. “I don’t think they did.”

“Why do you say that?” Ethan asks.

“Because I went down to the parking lot and saw them slashing the tyres so I couldn’t drive it.”

“I don’t get it,” Jed whispers. “Why would they go rogue and then want you dead?”

“Because if I was dead, nobody would know they’ve gone rogue.”

“Hmm.” They all think on it. “What’s happened since?”

“I had to go in and make a formal statement, and the two agents haven’t been seen since, so they’re either dead or in hiding. I just have to wait for their command. And if they’re not dead, they soon will be.”

Their eyes widen again.

“So, Bridget knows everything?” Jed asks.

I nod. “She left me in Prague.”

The table falls silent.

“Sorry, man.” Rick sighs, and they all nod in shared sympathy, and we sit in silence for a moment.

“She’s gone for good this time,” I reply.

Belinda catches my eye out on the dance floor, dancing sexily, and she curls her finger up at me in a ‘come here’ signal.

I smirk and shake my head.

“Well, I hope you’re going to take Goldilocks home and fuck Bridget out of your system,” Ethan offers as his eyes stay glued to her. “It would be a dame shame to waste that body tonight.”

I drink my beer and my eyes fall back to her as she writhes sexily to the rhythmic beat.

Maybe that’s what I need.

It’s 1:00 a.m. and I’m scrolling through my Instagram feed. A couple of the boys have picked up women and I sit at the table with Rick. “I’m going to go home soon, man,” he tells me.

“Yeah, me, too.” I sigh.

I’m closest to Rick. He is in a similar position to me and we have been together in the army since we were seventeen. I talk to him more than anyone.

“You going to call her?”

I shake my head. “No point.”

He looks out over the club. “That fucking sucks, man.”

I nod. “It does.”

“Hey, you want to come back and stay at our house? Ally would love to see you in the morning.”

I smile. “No, mate, but thanks anyway. I’m going to head home after I drink this beer.”

He stands. “Gym tomorrow?” I shake his hand and his eyes linger on my face a little longer than usual.

“Yeah.” I smile sadly.

With a pat on the shoulder, he leaves me alone.

I scroll back through my feed and see that Bridget has posted a picture. I click on it. She hasn’t posted anything since I last saw her. It’s a picture of a bird flying over a canyon and the caption is:

My stomach tightens. That’s her message to me.

That’s her goodbye message.

I drop my head and stare at the carpet for an extended time.

This is fucked.

I hate this feeling.

I need to get out of here. I stand to make my way to the bathroom, when Belinda steps in front of me, effectively blocking my way. “Hi, Ben.” Her hands drop to my behind as we jostle in the crowd. “Did you forget about coming and finding me?”

A trace of a smile crosses my face. “I did.”

She runs her two hands over my chest. “God, it’s been forever since we’ve been together.”

I watch her as a million thoughts run through my mind. “It has,” I say on autopilot.

“Nobody fucks me like you do,” she whispers sexily.

My eyes drop to her lips.

“I need a real man to give it to me hard and good.”

My hand drops to her hip. “Is that so?” I whisper.

I sit on the front steps of Ben’s building on top of my suitcase. It’s 1:00 a.m. and he isn’t answering his phone. Fuck’s sake. I wanted to surprise him but now it’s all turning to shit. The plane was delayed and I got in late, and now he’s not answering. I’m going to wait another half hour and then I will have to go find a hotel or something.

Where is he?

What if he’s not even in the States?

No, I know he is. Joshua spoke to him just today… no, yesterday. Wait, what day is it?

I glance up at the building; he’s probably just asleep in bed.

Bloody hell, this is a real fuck-up.

Luckily I’m not tired, because it’s early morning back home.

The big, heavy door opens and a security guard comes out. “Oh, can I help you?”

“I’m waiting for Ben Statham. Apartment 201?” I ask hopefully.

“Is he expecting you?”

“No, I wanted to surprise him but he’s not answering his phone.”

“Let me call up to his apartment for you.”

I smile broadly. “Okay, thanks.” I go to follow him in, but he turns.

“I’m sorry, Miss, you can’t come into the building without a resident.”

“Oh.” I roll my eyes. That’s a bit extreme, isn’t it? “Okay, I’ll wait out here.”

I take my suitcase and sit on the top of it. This indestructible, hard suitcase is the best thing I have ever bought.

He comes back out a few moments later. “He’s not answering his intercom or his phone. I’m sorry—there’s nothing I can do.”

I nod. “That’s okay.” I stare back out onto the road. “I’ll wait a few moments and then I’ll leave.”

“Can I call you a cab?”

“No, that’s okay. I’ll call one when I’m ready.” I stare back up the road, into the darkness.

“I’m just in here if you need me,” he tells me before disappearing inside.

A set of car headlights turn into the street and I sit up on my suitcase.

It’s a cab and my stomach flips. It pulls up out the front and the door opens.

They stay in the car for a moment, as if discussing something.

Ben hops out and I smile hopefully. Oh, wait… there’s someone with him.