Chapter Fourteen

 

I wrapped the scarf around the tree halfway, tucking it into the middle, then arranged the two pairs of mittens around the outside of the tree. I’ve only had the tree up for four days, and already, I was running out of room. It blinked with white LED twinkle lights, had blue and white scarves for tinsel, with multicolored mittens and hats for decorations.

There was a knock on the door and Shep waved from outside the glass. I ran to the door and unlocked it, letting him in out of the cold. “Hey, sorry I’m late. The meeting didn’t finish on time.”

“No problem, it’s been quiet,” I promised. “I had plenty of work to do anyway.”

He motioned at the tree. “It’s looking good, babe. I guess everyone liked the idea of a mitten tree.”

I laughed. “Or they like the idea of free pie, one of the two.”

He pointed. “It might be the free pie. Speaking of, I could use a piece.”

He slung his overcoat on the counter and slid his dress pant clad butt over a stool. He loosened his tie and grinned at me, his hair hanging in his eyes until he brushed it out of the way. “I’ve missed you. What a week it’s been.”

I gathered a plate and fork then served him up a nice piece of blackberry pie and a cup of coffee. I leaned on the counter while he ate it. “It was your first week on the job. I figured you’d be busy,” I said. “It seems like they expected you to hit the ground running without much instruction.”

He nodded since he was chewing. “They did,” he said swallowing. “The department has been a real mess since George got sick and a lot of the paperwork piled up. I think I got most of it squared away. Now I’ll concentrate on getting the plowing schedules finished and then look at the long-term information they gave me. I feel like I’ve played catch up all week and I’m sure it will happen for a few months yet.”

I rubbed his forearm. “You’ll get there. Like you said, everything was a mess. They can’t expect you to work miracles the first week you’re there. It sounds to me like you have a good plan of attack.”

He sipped the coffee and smiled at me over the rim. “The council thinks so. We had a great discussion tonight and we’re moving forward with plans for spring. I love this job, Ivy. I’ve never been this eager to jump out of bed in the morning and go to work. It feels like I make a difference now in the department. If I see something isn’t turning out the way we planned, I have the authority to make instant changes and get us back on track. I couldn’t do that before. Probably, the biggest challenge has been going from co-worker to boss for a lot of the guys. They still see me as the young kid who doesn’t know anything. You know what I mean?”

“I can imagine a few have their noses out of joint taking orders from someone half their age?” I asked and he nodded, laying the fork on the empty plate. “I would say to them, go get your degree and you can make the big bucks, too.”

“While you’re right, I can’t exactly say it in those terms. It’s a growing experience for all of us, but I made sure they knew I would still be taking my turn in the snowplows and the lawnmowers. I’m not better than them simply because I hold the title. We work together and get the job done for the people of Bells Pass.”

I gave one nod. “Right, and they’ll come to see it after a few months of you walking the walk.”

He held up his finger. “Speaking of walking the walk, the head of the Boy Scout’s regional office called me today. They removed Mr. Aggressive Hitter from the troop.”

I hung my head. “I can’t believe you got him fired for hitting on me.”

He tipped my head up with his finger. “I didn’t get him fired, he got himself fired. I reported an incident where he crossed a line while wearing a Boy Scout uniform. Remember, I was an Eagle Scout. We had three promises to uphold and one was duty to self. Part of that promise was to be morally straight, meaning live honestly, and be clean in what we say and do by being of strong character. According to the director, you were his third strike, only you probably weren’t. You were probably his twentieth strike, but only three people reported him. Do you see what I mean?”

I sighed, but nodded. “In other words, he had a habit of hitting on women and it finally came back to bite him.”

He laughed, set the cup down, and stood, leaning over the counter to kiss me. His hand went into my hair and his other hand held my neck while he kissed me senseless. “No one messes with my best friend.”

I caught my breath and paused. “You called me your girlfriend that night.”

“Wishful thinking?” he asked, swallowing hard. “I was angry he was being disrespectful and I wanted him to stop. I realized my mistake when I saw your face. You didn’t bring it up, so I didn’t mention it again.”

“I didn’t know how to bring it up,” I admitted.

“Let’s go home,” he whispered, resting his forehead on mine. “I’m ready to relax and I would rather talk there.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice,” I said, shutting down the lights and checking the door to make sure it was locked. “Let’s go out the back. We’ll check and make sure it’s clear on the cameras before we leave.”

He put his hand on my back as we strolled to my office. “Have they contacted you with any new info about the guy who has been hanging around?”

I shook my head. “No, but it’s been quiet for a few days. Maybe he moved on.”

“We can hope,” he agreed, pausing in the doorway while I grabbed my coat and gave the cameras one last glance.

“All clear,” I said, zipping my coat and tucking my scarf around my neck. I joined him again, but he held me in place, pointing up.

“It’s still there. Means we have to kiss, again.”

I frowned. “Do we have to kiss every time? It’s so boring,” I quipped.

He grabbed the front of my coat and backed me up to the wall, his hands holding me against the doorjamb while his lips attacked mine. His tongue expertly convinced my lips to open and allow it in to play. His kisses were never boring. They always made heat spiral from my belly to between my legs, and a moan escaped my lips. “Boring, huh?” he asked, his lips never leaving mine. “You don’t sound bored.”

“I’m not,” I sighed, “I love when you kiss me.”

He drew his lips from mine and kissed my neck. “And I love kissing you. Let’s go home and get comfortable so I can do more of it.”

I laughed and ducked under his arm to stand in the hallway while he shut the light off in my office. He held his hand up and turned the door handle first, checking both ways before he let me out of the building. I made sure the handle was locked from the inside and followed him across the now well-lit lot to the house where his truck was parked. The shades were pulled, and the only light glowing was the one over the door. He unlocked and held it open for me, following me in the door and stopping in the foyer.

“Did you leave the lamp on? It’s excessively bright in the living room,” he said, slipping his shoes off by the doormat.

“Nope, go look,” I said, hanging back while he strode to the living room and disappeared. He was back in seconds, peering around the door like a kid at Christmas.

“You put the lights on the tree!” His happiness was palpable as he approached me.

I laughed and clapped at his excitement. “It’s been sitting there empty for nearly a week now. I put the lights on and figured we could do the decorating later this weekend. It’s already after December first. I didn’t want to wait any longer to see the lights.”

He ran his finger down my cheek and frowned. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been stupid busy this week. I didn’t mean to disappoint you.”

I grasped his hand and held it to my face. “Stop. You didn’t disappoint me, but I didn’t want to decorate the whole tree without you. With the lights on it’s pretty through the window and we can take our time with the decorations.”

He leaned in and kissed me chastely on the lips. “I say we do it now. Let’s change our clothes, throw some Christmas tunes on the stereo, make a fire, and have a little fun like the good old days. What do you say?”

“What the heck, why not? I don’t have to be in early tomorrow. Let’s do it!” I exclaimed. “I’ll make the fire while you change. You get the decoration boxes while I change and meet back here.”

“Deal,” he promised, running for the stairs.

I watched him go and remembered why we became instant friends so many years ago. He always knew how to make me smile, even when I didn’t want to.

 

 

We lay on the floor on blankets, the tree decorated, and the fire popping in the fireplace. It didn’t take us long to put the tinsel on and hang the few ornaments we had. Most of them were special ornaments we’ve given each other over the years. This was the first time they were all on the same tree together. The rest of the tree was decorated in multicolored balls, with a star at the top. It was nearly midnight and we were both exhausted, but stretched out under the tree staring at the lights.

“Remember when we used to do this at your house when we were little?” I asked, holding his hand, which rested on my hip.

“Best nights of my life were spent on the floor telling stories under the Christmas tree. I was sad when we stopped doing it as teenagers. I know it might not have been appropriate to my parents, but I lived for those times every year.”

I nodded, not making eye contact with him, rather focusing on the tree. “Me, too. Laying under the tree with you was the only thing that ever made me happy during the Christmas season besides being at your house for Christmas dinner. My mother was a real piece of work, wasn’t she?” I asked as he rubbed my hip.

He sighed. “Looking back, I think she had some problems you weren’t old enough to understand, Ivy. She loved you, but she was immature and probably had special needs.”

My hand faltered on his. “Audrey told me she taught mom, when she was pregnant with me, how to interview for a job and basic things as part of the special education department. She said she didn’t have special needs, but she didn’t know how to get a job or how to support us once I was born.”

He twined his hand in mine and squeezed. “My mom told me the reason we first met was because your mom hit our car parked on the street. My mom asked for insurance information, but your mom couldn’t read the card.”

I lay quietly thinking back over the years she was alive. I gasped and flipped over to face him. “She couldn’t read,” I said slowly. “I remember how she used to always ask people in the grocery store to read things to her, claiming she didn’t have her glasses. Once I was old enough to read, she asked me to read everything. It never crossed my mind it was because she couldn’t.”

He frowned and caressed my face. “If you can’t read then you can’t better yourself.”

“And you’re left with jobs which don’t require literacy, like prostitution.”

He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. “Like I said, she had challenges and didn’t have the skills to overcome them. Maybe it will make it easier for you to forgive her knowing she had more challenges than you ever knew.”

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the lights. “I’ll think about it,” I said and heard him snort once with laughter. “I mean, I didn’t have the greatest start in life, but I’ve managed to make something of myself. Sometimes it’s not about intelligence, but about grit and determination.”

He kissed my neck lightly, enough to make it tickle. “You have all three of those things in reserve, beautiful. You can truly say you’re a self-made woman.”

“You could still do so much better than me for a girlfriend, Shep,” I whispered.

His hand snaked across my belly to rest in the middle of it. “There is no one better than you for me, Ivy. Think about it. How many women have I dated since graduation? Twenty? Thirty?” he asked.

I held up both hands. “At least. We have a notebook to prove it.”

“Do you see me lying under the Christmas tree by the fire with any of those other women as my girlfriend?”

I swung my head back and forth. “Maybe that’s because you never gave them half a chance?”

“Come to think of it, you’re right, I didn’t. I didn’t give them half a chance because they weren’t half the woman you are. Maybe then I didn’t realize it, but now I do. The woman God made for me is lying next to me right now, and has been for the past twenty years. I wish I had realized it sooner, but I’m not going to give up on her now that I have. I don’t care how long it takes to convince her I love her more than myself; I won’t give up.”

I put my hand over his, still on my belly. “There’s a reason I never dated anyone past a first date. God, I don’t even know how to explain this.” A tear fell from my eye as the memories of that night hit me straight in the gut.

He caught it with his finger. “You don’t have to cry, Ivy,” he whispered, resting his head at my temple. “I’m sorry if the truth is hard for you to accept, but it’s the truth.”

“It wasn’t the truth nine years ago though, was it?” I asked, my chest painful with each breath.

“Nine years ago? What are you talking about?” he asked confused.

“The Snowball Dance my junior year. Remember? You were a senior.”

He was silent for a few moments and then recognition lit his face. “I do remember. It’s next weekend, right?” he asked and I shrugged.

“I don’t know,” I answered, but said nothing more.

“What does it have to do with us now? I’m getting the feeling it does.”

“It was the first Christmas my mom was gone. She died on Halloween, remember?” I asked and he nodded. “You told me it would be good to have some fun and go to the dance, and I believed you.”

He smiled and wiped another tear. “We did have fun. Is that why you’re crying?”

I sat up and fixed an ornament that was hanging funny on the tree. “No, I’m not crying from happiness,” I said, brushing my face with my shoulders. “I’m mad.”

“I’ve always had a hard time telling the difference between the two,” he joked. “Why are you mad?”

I laid back down and banged my head on the blanket. “I’m not mad. I’m confused. The night of the dance, you told me how beautiful I was and how important I was to you.”

He tried to take my hand, but I pulled it away. “Ivy, you were, and still are. I remember the dress you wore. It was white sequined with white fur along the bottom, at the neck, and sleeves. You looked stunning in it.”

“Oh, you mean the hooker dress I borrowed from my dead mother?” I asked and he froze. “Yeah. I overheard you in the hallway telling the boys how the dress was probably from her closet. For the record, you were right. You didn’t know I was there, but I had left the gym looking for you and heard it all. I heard you tell the boys you were with that your mom made you bring me. I heard you deny me being your girlfriend, or ever being your girlfriend. I heard you tell them I was just a kid who had a tough break and you were being nice.” My chest hurt terribly and I sat up, trying to catch a breath of air through my trembling lips and my plugged nose. “My mother was dead and the only other person I believed I could count on in this world was being forced to spend time with me. It broke my heart to hear you say those things,” I cried. “And I swore…” I took a breath so I could keep speaking, not making eye contact until I finished what I had to say. “I swore I would never speak to you again. It didn’t last, we were best friends, and I forgave you, but I couldn’t forget what you said, no matter how hard I tried.” He touched my shoulder and I shrugged him off, lowering my head to my knees to regain my composure. “I swore I would never tell you,” I whispered, my voice muffled between my knees. “You tell me you want me to be your girlfriend, but all I can hear are your vehement words of denial saying you’d never date me, then or ever.”

His hand came down on my back and he rubbed it the same way he always does when I’m upset. Calming. Loving. Peaceful. I didn’t feel any of those things tonight. All I could feel was heartbreak and the broken dreams of a sixteen-year-old girl whose world had been turned upside down by the two people she loved the most.

I kept hold of my knees, my voice detached when I spoke again. “I told my heart nine years ago it had to stop loving you. It never did, though. It just lingered in this void of emptiness. Every time you brought a date to the diner, or came to the apartment to write in the book, it died a little bit more knowing you still felt the same way you did that one night in December, when my whole world went to pieces. You didn’t want me, and no amount of pining for you was going to change your opinion of me. I told myself at least I still got to see you, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.”

A soft cloth was pressed into my hand and I wiped my face, finally lifting my head from my knees to gaze at the tree. From the corner of my eye I could see him, his face wet with his own tears and his eyes focused on the third green light from the centerline.

His words came out choked, and low. “I didn’t think I could be more ashamed of myself than I was that night, and I didn’t even know you heard me. Now I know I was wrong. I’m nine times as ashamed tonight than I was the night I said those words to those boys. Knowing you’ve lived with the knowledge of what I said all these years is a torture I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I had forgiven myself for acting like a jerk because I didn’t think you’d ever find out about it. It wasn’t the truth, but I won’t deny I said it, I did. I was acting like a big man on campus.”

“I didn’t think you even liked those boys,” I said, wiping my eyes and taking a drink from the can of soda near the tree.

“I didn’t,” he answered honestly. “They were the jocks, and I was the six-foot-tall, one-hundred-pound asthmatic who couldn’t walk down the hallway without getting winded, much less play sports. Suddenly they included me in their conversation and I let things get out of control. I became someone I wasn’t. Did you leave before they asked if I would pass you around for the night?”

My head snapped up and my eyes widened. “What? I didn’t hear them say anything as suggestive as prostituting me.”

He wiped his face with his shoulder. “They said if you weren’t my girlfriend then I wouldn’t object to them having their way with you. I objected, and left, but I still felt like crap for having said what I did.”

“Which is why you made us leave early,” I deduced.

“I was afraid they would try to tackle me and take you, or follow us back to your house. I didn’t want them to come after you. I knew I couldn’t protect you. One flick of their hand and I was on the wayside. It’s the reason I insisted you stay at my house for the night. I was worried they might find out where you lived and go there when you were alone. I could barely live with myself as it was. If they had hurt you I would probably have killed them.”

“Which is why you called me every night for a month right before bed reminding me to lock my doors and windows.”

He nodded, attempting to wipe his face in a way I wouldn’t notice. It didn’t work, but I gave him an A for effort. “It took me a few weeks, but I finally dug up enough dirt on each of them to give me some leverage. I told them if you so much as got a bruise you couldn’t explain, I was coming after them and releasing the information I had. They swore they wouldn’t touch you, and after about a month I knew they had moved on to someone else and you were fine.”

“Men are pigs,” I said, holding my head in my hands.

He sighed. “Yeah, we are, at least some of the time. I’m not going to make excuses for myself. I was a pig. I should never have thrown you under the bus to be liked by kids I had nothing in common with. It was a lack of judgement on my part for sure. I’m sorry for putting you through this all these years. None of it was true. It was cruel and unacceptable behavior. I wish you had told me sooner,” he whispered, his hand on my shoulder again.

“I didn’t see much point, Shep. If all you wanted to be was friends, then friends we would be. It didn’t matter that I loved you once I found out you didn’t love me the same way. I didn’t want to lose the one friend I had, so I swallowed the pain and went on. It’s faded over the years, and with maturity. I was emotionally raw already from losing my mother and didn’t have a lot of reserve.”

He moved closer to me until our hips touched and put his arm around my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ivy. I never should have said those things. With almost a decade of maturity I can see it, but it’s too late to relive that night.”

I laughed sarcastically. “I don’t want to relive it or any night of my junior or senior year. There’s nothing like graduating from high school without one person related to you in attendance.”

“I was there,” he said, his smile growing. “I had a cowbell, remember?”

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. “I remember, and so does the rest of Bells Pass. I’m making bets the band teacher got in a boatload of trouble for loaning it to you.”

He smiled, some of the sadness disappearing from his eyes. “What she didn’t know she couldn’t take the blame for.” He rubbed my back again and kissed my temple. “I’m proud of you every single day, Ivy. I was then and I am now, even if my big mouth says stupid crap I don’t mean. I like to think I’m not a kid anymore and with maturity I understand words hurt as much as fists. I don’t blame you in the least for finding it hard to believe I love you and want you to be my girlfriend after hearing what I said back then. I will prove to you it wasn’t the truth. The truth is, I love you.”

I nodded. “I know it’s the truth, Shep. I don’t doubt what you say is true. Where it gets fuzzy is setting aside the pain of being alone all these years while loving someone who didn’t want me, and the fear of losing my best friend if our relationship fails.”

He grasped both shoulders and stared into my eyes, his a dark, midnight blue. "Would you do me a favor?" he asked and I nodded. "Would you consider giving me the benefit of the doubt that I'm no longer that immature kid who said those words?"

"I already know you aren't, Shep. I wanted to give you a point of reference why I was struggling with being in a relationship with you."

He leaned his forehead on mine. "I'm glad you told me. I'm not going to ask you to forget because I know you well enough to know you can't. I just want you to know I'm not an immature kid anymore. Remember when my asthma flared to the point they had to intubate me to keep me alive?"

I nodded, rubbing my chest. "I've never been petrified of losing someone the way I was of losing you that night. It was terrifying."

"It was also life changing for me. I realized it was time to grow up and start acting like an adult. I also realized life can be over in a blink of an eye and if we don't love hard and tell people how we feel, we may never get another chance. I don't want to lose my chance with you again."

"I don't hold it against you anymore or I wouldn't be here, Shep. I knew I had to tell you or I would never get past it to live in the present. I struggle with not focusing on the past. Weird as it is considering how crappy my past was."

He smiled and rubbed my cheek. "We had some good times, too. It's okay to focus on the good parts of the past, as long as you don't dwell on the bad."

I lowered myself to my elbow and then onto the pillows again. "Tonight, I want to focus on lying under the tree with you by my side."

He lay back on the stack of pillows and turned on his side, putting his arm around my waist. 

"Many years ago, in a land too far away for us to imagine, lived two best friends, Ivy and Shepard. They lived with the big man himself, Santa Claus. They were Santa’s favorite elves and were supposed to be working, busy on Christmas Eve writing tags and packing toys, but Ivy and Shepard were too curious about Santa’s sleigh. They wanted to know how it flew like a snowflake on the wind with Santa and all those toys aboard. Even with nine reindeer working hard to fly him through the sky…”

A smile spread across my face as my eyes drifted closed. He still remembered the story he made up the first Christmas we spent together. He told me the story every Christmas as we lay under the tree until we were fourteen. I sighed with satisfaction as the elves climbed aboard the sleigh and I allowed myself to drift off as Ivy and Shepard found a common bond in their love of all things Christmas.