MARISSA
I need to talk to you. Can we meet? - Ralph
I’d been looking at this text for the better part of my free day. I couldn’t bring myself to write something back, but I couldn’t stop myself from hovering over the screen as if I was almost on the brink of writing something back.
Ralph had done nothing wrong, and I stood by my first impression of him from when I had met him that fateful day. He was a nice laid back guy. But he was also his best friend.
My throat tightened at the thought of Wyatt. I was still trying to deal with my mistake and failing miserably. I didn’t think I’d ever been the kind of woman who would let her libido and a sexy package get the best of her. I hated that he used me knowing perfectly well that it would push me away from Lydia. I should be the bigger person and forget about him and resume my life and maybe even contact Lydia, but it was asking too much of me.
Meeting Lydia had been a turning point for me, a moment in my life I knew I would always remember and think of. It changed a part of me, giving me answers where I needed them and also hitting me square where I didn’t even know I could hurt. A part of me got lost, and Wyatt only amplified this tenfold.
Come on. Don’t ignore me. - Ralph
I started when the new text came through. I nibbled on my lip and brought a hand to behind my ear to touch the birds tattooed there. I shook my head and looked around my tiny apartment decorated with second-hand furniture that didn’t fully match, but created a cozy atmosphere I enjoyed. The TV, small and nothing to boast about, played an episode of Gilmore Girls, my go-to TV series when I felt poorly and needed a pick me up.
I should be out with Sophie to get some coffee and maybe catch a movie at the theater, but instead, I holed up in my apartment to lick my still tender wounds. I didn’t like this person I was turning into.
Frowning, I gripped my phone tighter and quickly typed a text.
What is it? - Marissa
It’s not my business, but what happened with W? - Ralph
I closed my eyes, both in relief and pain. Pain for the harsh reminder of that night and relief knowing Ralph didn’t know what went down. I should probably be thankful that Wyatt didn’t go into details as to how he made me come and how easy I had been.
You said it. Not your business. Drop it. - Marissa
Fuck. What did he do to you? - Ralph
I laughed hollowly in my apartment, the sound a poor echo to one of the characters’ laughter in Gilmore Girls. I put my phone on my lap and tightened my messy ponytail. Wyatt hadn't done much more than many men would have in his shoes. When a man had an opening with a woman, I bet he didn’t go into much or any inner debate as to yes, or no he would follow through and fuck the woman’s brains out.
It’s not important. It’s all fine. I’m done talking or thinking about him. I have to go. - Marissa
I turned off my phone and grabbed the remote from the old battered coffee table I got at a thrift shop and turned the volume louder until the sound of the TV drowned out my thoughts and eased off the anger that seemed to follow me every time I talked or thought of Wyatt.
***
WYATT
“Why do you always try to push people away, huh?’’
I stumbled on the treadmill and caught myself right before I lamely fell in front of the midday Monday crowd. It’s my day off, but with the restless energy I had, I decided to come here and work out.
I locked eyes with Ralph and scowled at him, finding my fast pace again. Sweat dripped down my face, narrowly missing my eyes. I gripped the towel around my neck and dried myself, still running fast as Ralph stood in front of my treadmill, arms crossed and eyes boring a hole in my damn head.
“What the fuck are you on?’’
“Marissa.’’
Her name alone had me tensing and my sore muscles burned. I pushed the button to stop the treadmill and jumped down. “What about her?’’
“Damn it, you fucked her,’’ he uttered from behind me, stopping me in my tracks. I glanced over my shoulder and found him shaking his head, his arms uncrossed and hanging at his sides. “Don’t tell me you did it just because you wanted her away.’’
At my silence he cursed and walked away without a look for me, going straight to the smoothie bar. I dried my face again with the towel and stalked to him.
He’s leaning against the bar, fingers tapping on the top while Brandy, a tall college-age blonde, made him his smoothie, her back to him. He didn’t look my way, even when I made sure to bump into him, but he wasn't checking the girl out either.
“Don’t start on me, Ralph,’’ I growled, my voice low, but threatening all the same. I pushed my back harder against the bar and crossed my arms, eyes trained on the vast room of the gym.
“Don’t go there, man.’’ He sighed, and in the corner of my eyes, I saw him cringe. “You’re my best friend, but sometimes I don’t get you. You let your fucked up thoughts get the best of you.’’
“You don’t know anything.’’
“I don’t? So, you didn’t fuck Marissa and treated her like shit to make sure she’d stay as far away from you and your family?’’ At my silence, he chuckled, but it rubbed me the wrong way. “Yeah, I know you fuckin' well, Wyatt. You can’t bullshit me like you do so many people.’’
“Then why are you still my friend?’’ My damn heart beat harder at the thought of losing my best friend, my only true friend. He had seen me do some fucked up shit over the years but always stood by me. Maybe screwing over a nice young woman would be the last draw. I wouldn’t blame him.
“Because I know you’re not that bad when you look through your bullshit.’’ He sighed and quickly thanked Brandy when she handed him his smoothie. “Listen, Marissa barely answered my texts earlier, and I think she’s taking it badly. I told you she’s a nice girl. She’s not a threat to you.’’
“You also said you’d do her if you had an opening.’’
“Yes, as in, I want to sleep with her without other motives. You went too far.’’
“It’s not like I didn’t want to fuck her, Ralph. Come on. She’s hot.’’
He slurped his smoothie noisily and started walking to one of the high tables near the bay windows. Reluctantly, I followed him, my feet like lead on the floor and it had very little to do with my aching calves.
“But the main reason why you had sex with her isn’t that she’s hot.’’
I rolled my eyes and put my elbows on the tabletop, leaning heavily against it. “We sound like chicks having a debate about my last sexual experience. Come on! I fucked her, told her to leave, and that’s the end of it. She knew it wasn’t more than a one-night stand.’’
“Yeah well, I don’t know how you proceed, but when I have a one-night stand, I’m kind to the woman who got me laid. You know, she’s let me put my cock inside her so…’’
“Congrats then, you’re a better man than me. Fucking surprising.’’ I glared at him and pushed away from the table, ready to head out.
“Man up and realize that you’ve fucked up,’’ he called after me, voice tight.
I turned back around and fixed my best friend, glare for glare, body so fucking tense I felt like pounding something to get that damn energy out of me. “I already know that.’’
“Then do something. Apologize!’’
“Why? She’s never going to be my friend, and I don’t want her to be. She’s out of my life as she should be. It’s over.’’
“Over? Why do you think I sent her a text?’’
My frown deepened. I hated it when he egged me on, when he wanted to pry things from me I barely had enough guts to face internally. “Go on. You’re on a roll anyway.’’
“You’ve been stuck in your damn mind. I know you a lot more than you’re probably comfortable. I know it when something’s bothering you, and it doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots.’’
“And now you want me to go on my knees and beg for forgiveness? Come on. She wasn’t mad when I was inside her, man. She wanted it.’’
I pushed away the image of her eyes full of pain, the tremble in her voice, the disgust mounting inside me at the thought of what I did. I had to stop mulling over that shit.
“If you don’t give a damn about her, that’s fine, but I think apologizing would be good for you.’’
“Don’t hand me some psychobabble bullshit.’’
He mumbled something to himself and went back to his smoothie, peering outside through the bay window and dismissing me without another word, good or bad.
Throat tight, heart squeezing and stomach tied into knots, I went to the showers. I moved like a robot, on auto-pilot, while my brain went haywire.
I barely acknowledged the men in the locker room and quickly stripped and walked to the showers, turning on the water. It drenched me in seconds with a lukewarm jet over my head, washing away sweat, but it didn’t wash away the fucking mess in my head. That’d be way too easy.
Palms against the cold white tiles, legs parted and head hanging between my shoulders, I closed my eyes. Immediately, Marissa appeared behind my eyelids, so damn beautiful it was all the more painful.
If only she had been a brat, pushing her away the way I did wouldn’t constantly be on my mind. I replayed, again and again, that moment when right after I fucked her and fucked her over, she looked at me with pain in her eyes before she left, unable to keep me in her line of sight anymore.
In life most of the time, you knew what should and shouldn’t be done. You had your moral compass well oiled and pointed in the right direction. But then, then fucked up thoughts, doubts, and fears tied to a distant past came back full force, bringing you to your knees and pushing you in the opposite direction and you went. You went South because it felt like you’d lose yourself and die if you didn’t.
Fear was the most powerful thing inside me.
Doubts only empowered fear.
And my thoughts, so often dark, only gave me the last push I needed.
That thing with Marissa drilled home something I had always feared, always fought tooth and nail, but I had to face it now. I was an asshole. I wasn’t a good man. I was like my biological father.
My stomach revolted, twisting and turning. I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth when I was about to puke in the shower. Panting and barely standing up on my legs when my body started shaking, I knew I had no choice.
I wouldn’t let myself be like my father. He dumped me when I was eight. It’s been sixteen years. Sixteen fucking years! My dad, my adoptive father, raised me a lot longer. It had to mean something.
I turned off the water and grabbed the white towel behind me and wrapped it around my hips. I ran my trembling hands over my face, wiping the water away, and nodded to myself.
Marissa scared me. Her very existence scared me. She was too beautiful for my own good, and I was sure she would forever change my family, but she wasn’t my enemy. She deserved better than being treated like trash. I owed it to her to do something.
Slowly, I padded to my locker left open. I quickly checked to make sure my wallet and phone were still there and sat on the bench. I didn’t make a move to dry myself or get dressed. My eyes were lost on the light tiles of the floor as I put my elbows on my thighs and my head in my hands.
I heard someone walking toward me and sit on the bench not too far away from me. Their eyes burned a hole in the side of my face. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was; Ralph. Somehow, knowing he went looking for me eased off some of the constricting feelings in my chest. Even when disappointed, my best friend was still in my corner. Thicker than blood, that’s how we were. He’s proven it more times than I deserved.
“What is it, man?’’ he asked, his voice measured as if he was getting ready to face a damn crazed animal.
I breathed deeply and sat up, but I kept my eyes in front of me, this time looking at the pictures of Ava and me, me and my parents and another one of all of us together pinned inside of my locker door. “Do you have her address?’’
“I have her number.’’
I shook my head and finally stared at him. “Nah. I need to do this face to face. It’s… I fucked up.’’
He nodded and clasped my damp shoulder. His rueful smile made me feel more like shit than anything else, but I didn’t look elsewhere. “You’re doing the right thing.’’
“Yeah, well, wait until after I’ve talked to her. I’m very good at fucking up a situation that's already bad.’’ I stood up and untied my towel to dry myself. “So, do you have her address or not?’’
“I don’t. It’s your job to mend things, not mine.’’ He shook his head, shot me a smile and walked away, chuckling under his breath as if he found the situation suddenly so funny. Yeah well, I bet she was going to chew my ass so for him it probably was.
I quickly put on my clothes and nodded at a few regulars who walked in while I grabbed my phone and sat on the bench again. I was fucking nervous to make that damn call. Nervous! Ha. It’d be laughable if it were Ralph in this spot instead of me.
I cleared my throat and rolled my shoulders to get some tension away but to no avail. Marissa had been making my blood boil from the moment I saw her on my parents’ doorstep. I swiped my phone’s screen and quickly located the InkSpired number. I pressed call. I didn’t give myself the time to chicken out. I wouldn’t let Marissa pollute my damn mind any longer.
“InkSpired, Sophie speaking. What can I do for you?’’
I cringed when Sophie’s cheerful voice registered. Sophie was Marissa’s friend. I bet she wouldn’t help me and would rather hunt my ass down to make me suffer for hurting her friend. Shit.
“Hm, hi Sophie, this is Wyatt. I was with—.''
“Oh, I know who you are.’’ Hello, icicles. “Marissa isn’t here if that’s why you’re calling.’’
My grip on the phone tightened when the urge to throw it in my still open locker hit me. I craved putting Sophie in her place for basically telling me to fuck off without actually uttering the words, but at the same time, I couldn’t blame her. Inside me, a war raged between my darkness whispering to me, enticing me into snapping at this woman and my lighter side who reminded me that she was only a good friend, something I probably didn’t know a thing about anyway.
“She’s not working?’’
“Ha! I knew you were calling about her. If you think you’re going to get anywhere close to her, you have something else coming, asshole.’’ Behind her, the music playing softly in the shop only intensified the silence ringing between us as I tried to keep myself in check.
I wasn’t a patient man, and I had never taken it well when someone openly egged me on, but for the sake of the success of my damn apology, I clenched my jaw and ignored the burning coming from deep within me that told me I should lash out. I gripped my thigh with the hand not holding my cell to my ear and welcomed the bite in my overworked muscle.
“Listen, I get where you’re coming from, but I need to see Marissa.’’ My voice, rough, sounded tight to my ears, but nowhere near the biting edge, I swallowed back. The woman was already against me; I didn’t want to alienate her more than she already was.
“What for?’’ she asked, her words harsh. While she had looked pretty mousy and chipper the other day, I wouldn’t give much chance to my balls if I stepped foot at InkSpired now. “Do you want to mess with her even more than you already did? She’s better off with you far from her.’’
“Wait!’’ I blurted before she could hang up, my burning need to talk to Marissa more intense than the urge to snap at her and make her shut her little mouth with my usual sharp tongue. “Fucking wait.’’ I exhaled down the phone and then checked the locker room. When I made sure nobody would hear, I put my elbows on my thighs, my face in my hand and pushed the cell harder against my ear. “I messed up, Sophie. Don’t you think I know that?’’
“I have no idea, you see. All I know is that you’re a lousy human being and lousy human beings don’t deserve to get close to someone good like Marissa.’’
“Can’t say you’re wrong,’’ I mumbled and sighed. “But good people deserve an apology. That’s all I want here.’’
“I don’t see why I’d help you ease your conscience, Wyatt. That’s on you.’’
“I’m just asking for Marissa’s address.’’
“Don’t you have her number?’’
I straightened up and scratched at my temple, begging for all the patience I could muster up, which realistically wasn’t a lot. My damn stomach knotted with the urge to shake Sophie through the phone, but something held me back. Maybe it was because I was torn up over my fuck up with Marissa. Maybe it stemmed from the guilt that drowned me for my mother. I didn’t know what it was, but it held me back and made me feel all kinds of fucked up.
“Just forget it,’’ I mumbled and hung up without waiting for her to say something else.
There I was, sitting on a damn hard bench in the gym’s locker room, my phone in my hand and my eyes trained on the fucking picture of my adoptive family, the only family that counted, taunting me there inside my opened locker.
I was a mess, and I couldn’t blame it all on Marissa this time around.