MARISSA
I looked around the entrance to the park and finally spotted Lydia. After Ralph’s visit, I sent a text to Lydia asking her if she wanted to meet somewhere the next day. Not two minutes after sending the text I had an answer with a place and date.
Now, on my day off I was about to see my birth mother again, but this time I didn’t tell anybody about it. I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because I didn’t want Sophie or Jamie to get on my back for getting closer, even if indirectly, to Wyatt. Maybe it was because I knew in the fibers of my very being that I would be in contact with Wyatt again because of this. And still, I came anyway.
“Hi, Lydia,’’ I greeted her as I approached while she stared at a young mother murmuring to the baby in her arm.
She started, but quickly a big smile stretched Lydia's lips and carved tiny wrinkles in the corner of her eyes. “Marissa!’’ She jumped to her feet and made a move to envelop me in her arms, but stopped before she took a step in my direction.
Without meaning to, I stiffened when her intent registered. Disappointment and maybe was it pain too, broke her smile and extinguished the light in her eyes. Feeling sorry for hurting a woman who had never done anything to hurt me, I forced the stiffness out of my body and moved closer to initiate a quick hug.
When her arms closed around me, it smashed a part of my heart and once again Lydia Burton stole a tiny piece for herself unknowingly. It was scary how quickly this woman could worm her way into my heart.
“Let’s sit here. I like this bench, and people watch sometimes,’’ she said.
I followed her and let my eyes wander on the parts of the park I could see. The trees, tall and swaying in the calm wind could practically make me forget we were in the heart of Atlanta. I remembered coming here a couple of times when I first moved to the city, and I missed the quiet of my hometown.
“How have you been Marissa?’’
“Good,’’ I said, lying through my teeth, but it wasn’t like I could say that her adoptive son had made my life a bigger mess than I did on my own. “I should be finished with my apprenticeship soon, so that’s great.’’
“I’m happy for you. Will you be staying at… Hmm… Ink…’’
“InkSpired. I will, for a while at least. I’d like to open my tattoo parlor one day, but I need to save first and build myself a real portfolio.’’ I turned to look at Lydia and found her attention already entirely on me. She seemed so happy to see me. Her face was so open, and her eyes held joyful tears that I wondered how I hesitated meeting with her in the first place. She truly was a kind person. “How’s your family?’’
Her smile stretched even wider, and she grabbed her phone from her red purse, matching her red flats and the red flowers on her blouse. “They’re all fine even if Wyatt is broodier than usual. Ava won a dance contest last week. Here, look.’’ She pushed her phone at me. I steadied her hand and glanced at the picture of Ava wearing a tutu smiling big for the camera while holding a blue ribbon and a small cup. “She takes her classic dance lessons very seriously.’’
“That’s great. Everybody needs a passion.’’ I released her hand holding the phone and looked away.
It bit a little to witness firsthand the motherly pride in Lydia for her daughter’s accomplishment. For a sister, I didn’t know.
“I’m sorry,’’ she said quietly, and I looked at her in question. She held up her phone then. The screen was back to black, but the meaning was clear. “I shouldn’t have shown you this picture.’’
“You’re proud of your kid. That’s great.’’
“It doesn’t make it easier for you now, does it?’’
I smiled and gave a pitiful laugh. “It stings, but nothing is easy for either of us. It’s okay, though. Ava looks like a good kid, and she deserves to be cherished and supported by her family. I don’t resent her or you.’’
“I know. You wouldn’t have contacted me again if you did.’’ She sighed and then gazed at the young mother and her baby again. She discreetly pointed at them. “You see this woman?’’ At my nod, she dropped her hand in her lap. “When Ava was born, we had recently adopted Wyatt. It was still rocky, and Ava was a baby surprise, but a welcomed surprise. The fact is, I was overwhelmed. I was a new mother twice over.’’
“You must have had your hands full.’’
“Oh yes!’’ She laughed, her eyes turned to the past. A fond memory passed through her mind. I knew it because it softened her traits so much that it couldn’t be mistaken. “Wyatt was hurting and lost, and Ava was a fussy newborn. But what was harder for me was to accept Ava when I gave you up. For the first three months, I didn’t want to take Ava for a walk in a park or go shopping with her. I didn’t reject her, but I felt guilty, and your absence became harder to bear. It took Wyatt to get me out of my head when he asked to take Ava for a walk through the neighborhood. It sounds like nothing said like that, but it was tough for Wyatt to find his place in our family and Ava scared him for a while. Wyatt had always helped me when it came to you, even when he didn’t know he was.’’
“Why are you telling me this?’’
“Because I know you’re here thanks to my son.’’
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. She chuckled and patted my hand. “My husband thinks he’s sneaky, but what’s sneakier than a cop is a cop’s wife. I know he put up Wyatt to it. Thank you for agreeing, Marissa. It’s selfish of me, but I’m happy to see you again.’’
“I shouldn’t have waited so long to contact you.’’ I touched the bird tatted on the inside of my wrist.
“It’s okay. I didn’t know you and Wyatt kept in touch. After his glacial welcome, I hadn’t expected it.’’
I bit my lip to stop my answering cringe and shrugged. “I’ve seen him around through Ralph. I did a cover up tattoo on his arm so…’’ I trailed off and cleared my throat as my discomfort closed up my throat. It was as if my body itself tried to prevent me from lying further.
“Oh, I didn’t know. That’s great. How was Wyatt with you?’’
“Uh… Okay.’’
“You can tell me, Marissa. My son is an adult, but I know he can be abrasive sometimes.’’
“Wyatt has his issues, and that’s none of my business.’’ My curt tone was more telling than I’d like, but it was that or I’d curse her son and leave in a hurry before I let my emotions get the better of me.
“I see.’’ She sighed. “I wanted to run something by you, but I’m afraid it’s too soon.’’ She toyed with her phone between her hands.
“Go ahead. I’ll tell you if it is or not.’’
She eyed me carefully. “If you’d like to meet Ava, I will talk about you to her. She’s a smart kid, and I think that with the proper talk she can understand, but I don’t want to tell her now if you’re not ready to meet her and be in her life, even from afar.’’ She held up a hand before I said something. “I know it’s asking a lot, but she’s just a kid, and I don’t want her to get attached if it means you’ll be in and out of her life in the blink of an eye. If she were older, I wouldn’t worry but—''
“I get it, Lydia.’’ I offered her a genuine smile, touched. “I never meant to be in your family life.’’
“It’s a no then?’’ She lowered her head.
“It’s an ‘I don’t know.’ I’d love to meet Ava. She’s my sister after all, but I don’t know the kind of commitment I can give her right now. It’s a mess in my head right now. I don’t want to promise something I’m not sure I can do.’’ I shrugged and pushed past the pain in my chest at denying myself something I wanted, but there was more to it than the reason I just gave Lydia. I had said multiple times to Wyatt that I wouldn’t intrude on his family further than I already had. I said it. I swore it.
“It’s very mature of you, Marissa.’’ She showed me her phone. “Whenever you want to meet her, let me know. I can’t be sure she’d be ready to see you right away but, I know she’d want to.’’
“Maybe you should run this by your husband and Wyatt too. I don’t want to create conflict in your family.’’
“It was my husband’s idea when I let my fear get in the way.’’
“And Wyatt?’’
She tilted her head and frowned. “Did he gave you grief?’’
“What? No.’’ I shook my head and brushed away an invisible lint from my jeans. “I mean, we’re never going to be best friends, but that’s all.’’
“I don’t know you, Marissa, but you’re just like my kids. You’re a bad liar.’’
My only reaction was to stare at her with wide eyes and parted lips from which silence was my only sound.
***
WYATT
I placed a mug of coffee in front of my mother and joined her on the couch. I ignored the protest of my overworked body and also the way my mom’s eyes weighed on me, digging past the mask I had on. It would be better for the both of us if she didn’t see past that damn mask because then something would break between us. It was hard enough to know that she’s met with Marissa earlier today.
“You look exhausted,’’ she said calmly, almost diplomatically with the tone she used. Knowing the kind of short temper I had and how bad I sometimes reacted to stupid shit, I couldn’t blame her. I had been a ticking bomb these past few weeks.
“Yeah well, that’s work.’’ I shrugged and rubbed my face with both hands and sighed deeply. “How did it go with…’’
“Marissa. You can say her name, you know,’’ she said with a smile. She took a sip of coffee, her eyes now lost in thoughts for a moment before she focused on me again. “It went well.’’
At least, I did something right here. It made me feel powerless and in danger of something, but I did something right for my mother. For Marissa.
“I don’t want to make you angry, Wyatt, but I have a question.’’
“Go ahead. You know I can't get mad at you.’’
She leaned forward and put down her mug of coffee still steamy before straightening up and watching me with that kind of look that told me I wouldn’t like her next words.
“I have a feeling that you and Marissa had a fight.’’
“That’s not a question,’’ I said, voice as tight as my body.
“What happened?’’
“I respect your need to get to know her, but it doesn’t mean I have to be on good terms with her. That’s all there is to it.’’
“That’s not an answer, Wyatt.’’ She frowned at me, her eyes seeking mine, but I turned my head away and fixed the window and the view of the blue sky and the few cotton white clouds up there.
“All that matters is that you’re in contact with her and that she’s a good person.’’
“If she’s a good person then why are you two fighting? I have a feeling that—''
“That nothing,’’ I cut her off harshly, making her gasp and recoil on the couch as her soft eyes met my glower. “What do you want me to do? Throw her a 'welcome to the Burton family' party?’’
“Don’t use that tone with me,’’ she bit back, authority and a certain rigidity peaking in.
“Don’t force it on me then. Damn it!’’ I stood up and walked to the kitchen where I leaned against my hands on the kitchen countertop. “Don’t make this about me, Mom.'' I went on when I heard her follow me. "It’s between you and your daughter.’’
Saying that word, daughter, sliced at me. As much as I was her son, there was nothing thicker than blood, wasn’t there? That’s what people always said. That’s what I tended to believe when my flaws echoed to a past I’d rather forget with a man I didn’t consider a father anymore. As good to me Danny Burton had been since I met him, I would never be quite like him. I wasn’t good at heart like he was, a genuine kind of good that meant he’d rather hurt himself than hurt someone else.
“Wyatt, don’t do this.’’ I heard how tired she was with the way her voice went down, her words slow and pleading. I didn’t turn around.
“Do what?’’
“Push me away. Believe that you’re not important to me. I know you, Wyatt. You’re my son.’’ She walked closer, the sound of her steps quiet on the wooden floor. Her hand landed on my tensed back, running up and down softly, soothingly. “I have two men in my life that count more than anybody else. You and your father. You know it in your heart, Wyatt, so don’t let your mind trick you into thinking that you’re not important to me or that your opinion doesn’t count.’’
“It’s not that,’’ I replied but didn’t voice the intricacies of my fucked up mind. That was the joke too, knowing that I was fucked and that most of my anguish came from me, not from the others. It was still hard to control myself. “I acted like an ass with her.’’
“I know you, Wyatt. When you’re wrong, you find a way to apologize.’’
“Doesn’t make it right.’’ I sighed and turned to face my mother. She was short in front of me, a lot shorter than Marissa, but it was impossible to unsee the similarities with her long-lost daughter.
“It speaks to someone's character when they apologize. It makes a difference.’’
“If you say so.’’ I shrugged and forced a smile. “Any more questions to ask so I can show off my bad temper again?’’
At her thinly veiled cringe I knew there was more coming my way and I rolled my eyes.
“I think it’s best to wait for this one. It can wait.’’
“Nah, go ahead. I’m all warmed up right now.’’
“Wyatt.’’
“I’m not kidding, Mom. I’ll do my best to stay calm.’’
She eyed me a while longer, and I must have been convincing because she nodded and patted my hand, the one on the kitchen countertop. “What would you think if I told Ava about Marissa?’’
That one came from left field. And it was yet another blow for me, at least that’s how it felt. Ava was my sister. I closed my eyes then and silently cursed this mayhem.
Ava was also Marissa’s sister.
“Ava is too young, Mom,’’ I said quietly, voice so damn calm I didn’t sound like myself.
“Your father thinks she’s smart enough to understand the situation if I explain it correctly to her. I’m afraid, don't get me wrong, but he made me realize that it would never get easier to tell her, no matter how old she is.’’
“Have you told Marissa? Because knowing how curious Ava is, she’s going to want to meet her.’’
“Marissa isn’t ready right now. She needs more time, I think.’’
“She doesn’t want to meet Ava?’’
“No, she wants to, but she says that she’s not in the right place to be there if Ava needs her for now.’’
The damn boulder I was so familiar with made another appearance. “Looks like Marissa will be a part of the family, uh?’’
“I…I…’’ she stuttered and then stopped herself, her eyes dropping to the floor.
“It’s okay, Mom. I knew it was coming. Everything started changing the moment she came to the house.’’
“I’m not sure she’ll ever want to be a part of the family. She has her own life, after all. I just want her to know that I’m here if she needs me. I don’t want any secrets in my life. Do you understand?’’
For someone with as many fucked up secrets as I had, I understood it too much.
“Yeah, yeah I do.’’ I blew out some air through my parted lips. “Do whatever you think is best for you and Ava. I can deal with it.’’
“Are you sure?’’ She stared at me a long time, visibly taken aback by my sudden calm when minutes ago I blew a gasket over what seemed like nothing.
“Yeah, don’t worry about me.’’ I couldn’t tell her that the twisted part of me thanked that new turn of event that meant that I’d see Marissa again. The other part of me cowered in fear and in turn, raged like a lion in a cage at the prospect of losing more and more place in the Burton family. Like always, I was torn in different directions, never knowing which way was up and I was fucking tired of it. “Listen, Mom, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I'm beat. Work was a pain, and I’m a few clients short, so there’s a good chance my hours will get cut—’’
“Oh no!’’
“Don’t worry. I’ll get more clients. It’ll soon be summer. People often come for training then.’’
“If I can do something… Oh, I know! What if I came to the gym and became one of your clients? It couldn’t hurt losing the extra weight.’’
“You’d probably hate me ten minutes in,’’ I said with a chuckle and hugged her quickly. “And you’re good just the way you are. It’s not like you don’t exercise.’’
“Alright. If you change your mind, let me know. I’m sure I could rope in a few mothers from Ava’s school too if need be.’’
She caressed my cheek covered in scruff and then went back to the couch where she left her purse before leaving me to my thoughts, my fears and my need for a woman who fucked me up without meaning to.