A NEW DAY.

A new morning.

And I’d hoped a new Elder as well.

I’d envisioned him waking up, fully healed and ready to triumph.

But he didn’t.

The sun shone over his strewn body, dappling his bandages, soaking into his strained face. He looked at peace rather than in agony.

His fever had broken sometime in the night, and whatever had happened during sex meant he’d somehow forgotten his pain.

However, even slumbering and peaceful, his face never stopped being severe. His dark eyebrows and thick eyelashes were permanent domination on his tanned skin.

He’d slept curled around me all night, and I’d remained cocooned in his arms. I hadn’t dared move. If I did, he groaned, his body seizing from his wounds. As dawn broke, he’d rolled away, hugging a pillow and slipping into a deeper rest.

And now as I stood over him, I did my best to figure out what the hell happened last night.

I wished I had an answer. I hadn’t slept while tucked in his arms—that question on a never-ending loop.

What made him switch from coherent to unintelligible?

How had he ignored every pain and seemed so happy? So complete? So sated?

Rubbing my arms, I worried he’d done too much. That he’d hurt himself even more by giving in to whatever games his brain played.

I’d wanted to stay here to protect him, but perhaps I’d been wrong.

Maybe he needs to be back on the sea to heal properly.

We’d been here almost three days, and he was no better than before—if anything, I’d made him worse.

Stupid, Pim. So stupid.

What was I thinking sucking him after washing him? I’d been greedy and selfish, and now look what I’d done.

He’s broken.

If we left today on the Phantom, Elder might rally round faster, but it was only a matter of time until the Chinmoku found us, and then what? Would Selix fight on Elder’s behalf? Would Elder stay out of it?

I rolled my eyes.

As if.

Elder would be at the front of the cavalry despite dislocation, fractures, and bullet holes.

My heart bruised to think he’d been living with violence for so long that he no longer knew how to truly find peace. He’d forgotten how to be happy.

But despite all that, I couldn’t keep him prisoner here. I’d been in that situation, and I would never do that to him. I would let him choose. I’d been wrong to make that decision without his input—thinking I was saving him just like he’d saved me.

Because he did need saving. Absolutely.

But love might not be enough. Perhaps only his own forgiveness could do that, and there was no quick way to make self-loathing switch to self-acceptance.

Either way—setting sail or spending another day here—he wasn’t in a state to move yet. When he woke, we’d discuss, but for now, my stomach was empty and my mind a mess.

Food and a walk would clear my head.

My shoulders straightened. I was glad I had a plan instead of standing here fretting while he slept.

Tiptoeing toward the door, I tossed my still-damp hair over my shoulder. I’d had a shower and dressed in simple jeans and dusky pink hoodie. It made me feel my age. Made me remember in numerical value I was still so young, but in life value, I was ancient.

Elder never woke as I looked back one last time and headed down the corridor.

Treading down the stairs, my mind flittered once again to his oddness last night. How he’d vanished on me. How his body had switched from pain-brittle to sensual-smooth. How his words made no sense. How his eyes held no focus.

He’d been high as a damn kite and hadn’t had any weed.

How?

I’d never seen someone so mellow and woozy, so utterly focused on sex before.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, female voices floated from the lounge followed by a baby cooing.

Damn.

My stomach turned to lead. As much as I wanted to talk to Tess again, it hurt too much to be around baby Lino.

She was right before—when Elder was only seconds from arriving and bringing disaster—right about her chosen profession saving slaves from cruel masters and having a baby around. Either the women were too fragile to see such innocence or they only saw evil in the infant from their own past. It had the potential to pour salt into festering wounds and make them worse.

Like me.

Torn apart by a bastard never to conceive.

Fading back against the doorway, I held my breath, eyeing another way to leave the house. The front door beckoned as Suzette’s French accent reached my ears. “Another bruise worn with pride, huh, mon amie?”

Tess’s soft laugh echoed. “Another for the collection, I guess.”

They giggled together, whispering something that, even soft and murmured, vibrated dirty with sex.

Tess spoke louder as they laughed again. “I know, I know. I should play harder to get. But my God, Suzette. He really knows how to make me lose myself.” Her feminine lilt teased with something sinful. “I should be used to the man by now. But nope…he still manages to surprise me.”

“You think I didn’t see what happened between you two before you managed to make it up the stairs?” Suzette snorted. “He has you so well programmed you sink into subspace the moment he gives you that look.”

I really shouldn’t be eavesdropping on this.

I wasn’t exactly comfortable being around those who were in a sexually explicit power play. I’d never judge those who enjoyed domination but with a past like mine…it made me wary.

My feet itched to leave, but my body swayed forward to listen. Naughty, disgusting habit to spy on others’ conversations, but I’d heard that word before.

Subspace.

It prickled my skin, making old memories come back. It made me wonder...

“What look?” A baby rattle sounded while Tess couldn’t hide the smirk in her voice. “There’s no look.”

“You know exactly what look.” Suzette added a flirt to her tone. “The look that ought to terrify a normal person. He’d just had a fight. He was covered in blood. That look he gave you said he wanted you to be the one covered in blood. And what do you do?” She sighed dramatically. “Fall into subspace like a good little esclave instead of run for your life.”

Tess lamented theatrically. “Ah…yes, that look.”

The two women dissolved in a fit of laughter.

Tess lowered her voice. “But it’s so addictive, Suzette. It’s scary at how quick it happens. He just alters my mind until I can barely see and definitely can’t talk. All I want is him.”

“You’re hopeless.” Suzette snickered.

A baby’s chatter interrupted the very adult conversation and the topic switched to if it was too soon for Lino to learn how to build skyscrapers with the Legos Franco bought last week.

I stayed where I was, lurking in the foyer, thinking over what Tess had mentioned.

Subspace.

Did she engage in sexual pain to capture such a thing?

I’d heard of it before I was kidnapped. Stumbled on a blog or two that broke down the physiological and psychological pros and cons of being in a Dominant/submissive relationship.

My mother was fascinated with the idea that a human’s brain could have the power to switch off sensory reflexes if it reached an oversaturation of pleasure.

She had a wild theory that hypnosis worked on the same principles as subspace. That triggering such a mind state was similar, if not entirely related to the cataclysm of sexual depth.

I slammed to a stop.

Elder…

Did he reach subspace last night?

Was that what happened to him? He hadn’t made any sense. His eyes didn’t focus on mine. His lips couldn’t form words. All he could do was fuck me then snuggle close as he passed out.

In one of the studies my mother made me read, it mentioned entering subspace for the first time required a careful balance of prolonged pain and heightened erotic pleasure.

Well, he had copious amounts of pain running in his system. Couple that with his OCD on needing to reach three orgasms, it could be possible he’d slipped. He could’ve entered a singular focus and forgot to care about anything else.

And if he had been in subspace…could he enter it again? What was it like?

Could he teach me to do it?

I wouldn’t deny the thought of giving up all motor and cognitive control terrified me. But to have someone I trusted with utmost certainty take care of me while I gave in….

To have someone show me nothing but mind-stealing bliss?

The idea was intoxicating.

I looked over my shoulder, debating if I should run to him and climb back into bed. But the front door opened and in walked the older woman Q had kissed in the kitchen carrying grocery bags with a fresh baguette sticking out the top of one and celery sticks from the other.

She looked me up and down as if she fully expected me to be lingering, uninvited in the lobby. “Ah, you must be Pimlico.”

Conversation in the lounge ceased immediately as I eyed the woman, stomping on the residual fight or flight whenever I encountered new people. Forcing myself to smile instead of snarl, I nodded. “I am.”

“Great, lovely to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you already.” She gave me a kind grin and passed over a bag of groceries, somehow making me feel part of the family.

Her white hair matched her blouse while her navy skirt clung tight to generous curves. “I’m Mrs Sucre. Mr. Mercer’s chef and kitchen minion.”

“Minion? Where on earth did you learn a word like that, Mrs S?” Tess appeared, bouncing Lino on her hip, giving me a sweet smile. “Morning, Pimlico.” Her smile carried another element too—something that hinted she knew I’d overhead more than I should and didn’t care in the slightest. Her blasé comfortableness when it came to sex made me tense and relax at the same time.

“Morning.” I returned her smile, looking at her son then back to her. I didn’t know why, but Tess made me strong and weak within the same breath.

I wanted her as my friend, not because I was starved of female interaction, but because she came across so self-assured and happy.

I wanted to learn how to be like that. I wanted to be self-assured and happy.

I’d had flashes of self-assurance and definitely tasted happiness, but my past still cast shadows no matter how bright the sun. I still needed to learn, once and for all, how to walk away from that darkness and lock the door forever.

Mrs Sucre answered her, shuffling past and into the lounge with her bag of baguettes. “I learned that delightful word from Despicable Me that maître bought for Lino.” She tutted under her breath. “That child is too young for international thieves and terrorist plots, even if it is wrapped up in a kid’s movie with yellow sausages with glasses.”

Tess chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind and tell Q to buy more baby appropriate films.”

Mrs Sucre shook her head as if she couldn’t believe the youth pretending to be parents these days. “You two will be the death of me. Mark my words…the world is in peril.” Her eyes glowed with love, though. So much love and family joy.

I stood awkwardly with my bag of food, honoured to be a part of such a simple moment but unsure if I was truly invited.

Tess laughed, slinging her free arm around Mrs Sucre’s considerable bulk and ambling with her to the kitchen. “You love us really.”

Mrs Sucre sniffed, fighting a smirk.

Suzette giggled at the two women then came closer toward me, holding out her hand for the remaining grocery bag.

I didn’t want to part with it—almost as if it were a passcode into this wonderful simple world—but I handed it over.

“Thanks.” Suzette made to follow the others, but at the last second, she stepped closer and leaned in.

All the blood in my veins turned to red ice, so unused to nor ready for someone to invade my personal space who wasn’t Elder.

Her eyes narrowed as I stepped back, inhaling quick.

Instinct was what moved my legs, not choice.

Instantly, I chagrined, wishing I hadn’t revealed yet another weakness.

She didn’t let my running away phase her though, acting as if she’d seen it all before—which I guessed she had living in a halfway house for recovering women.

Pretending nothing had happened, she rested one hand on my tense shoulder then kissed each of my cheeks in French hello. “Bonjour, Pim.” With a quick squeeze, she let me go then flounced toward the kitchen, beckoning me to join them. “Come on.”

Brushing past Tess, she whispered something that made Tess laugh and blush at the same time. Something Parisian and most likely dirty just like their last conversation.

Whatever inside joke they’d shared, I wasn’t privy, but Tess looked back at me, laughter still on her face and welcome in her eyes. “Come on, Pimlico. You must be starving. While the men aren’t around, let us women enjoy some naughty conversation over equally naughty cupcakes.”

* * * * *

The morning passed faster than I could’ve imagined.

Instead of being wracked with nerves and fraught with the need to return to Elder, I enjoyed one of the most normal, simplistic times of my life.

Hanging in a kitchen, sitting on a barstool with my legs swinging, I watched Mrs Sucre prepare culinary magic all while Tess and Suzette ribbed her. I laughed with the other women as the cook delivered dry one-liners straight back.

Sometimes, conversation slipped into French, adding a sprinkle of exoticness to the English dominated jokes and enquiries, but most of the time, I could follow the thread, chuckling with them at silly antidotes of life in the countryside and the joys of housing a pack of rescue dogs—dogs who apparently Q hadn’t wanted but now was besotted with.

Brunch was served at the breakfast bar. Suzette and I sat while Tess stood next to Lino strapped into a baby chair clamped to the bench, feeding him morsels from her own plate.

On the menu turned out to be scrambled eggs cooked with copious amounts of Colby cheese and fresh baguette double grilled in the oven with lashings of butter. Such a simple meal but with the French flair and Mrs Sucre’s talent, it was the best I’d ever tasted.

Once we’d finished, the chef—who’d joined us for her own portion—bustled around making more. I’d thought Q and the rest of the men were away somewhere, but I was wrong. Apparently, according to the trays Mrs Sucre made up with fresh coffee, eggs and baguette, and an iced cupcake on the side, Q and the others were hidden around the estate.

Once the meals were ready, Mrs Sucre waved us into the kitchen to collect. Tess took one to wherever Q was lurking, Suzette took one to Franco, and I carried one to Elder.

Three women. Three men. All taking mutual care of each other.

I’d never known something could feel so right.

Climbing the stairs with the comfortable weight of brunch and the smell of heavenly butter, my mind ran away with of visions of stepping into the bedroom, rousing Elder with a sweet kiss, and finding him healthy and happy. He’d be strong and healed and scold me for leaving him only to demand I make it up to him.

Reaching the landing and padding down to the bedroom, I smiled, hopeful and eager.

Nudging the bedroom door open with a toe, I already lived the fantasy I’d imagined.

I’ll feed him, dote on him, make him feel—

“Oh, Selix.”

My little scenario popped like a cork from a wine bottle, smelling faintly of ruined opportunity.

Selix looked up from where he stood over Elder. His eyes fell on my tray as he gave me a half-smile, pointing at the side table. “Put that over there. He’s out cold still.” He frowned. “I’d expected him to be awake by now, but I guess he needs more rest than I thought.”

My fingers clutched around the tray handles, guilt cloaking me. A confession sat salty and heavy on my tongue, but I daren’t admit that Elder had been talking and awake before I’d let lust get the better of me and drained him of what little he’d gained.

Once again, lust had been the enemy. Only this time, it hadn’t been a man’s destroying my life but mine destroying a man’s.

When I didn’t move, Selix rubbed his face, raking his fingers through his three-day old stubble. “He needs sleep more than he needs food at the moment.”

I agreed and disagreed.

Elder had slept most of the night after we’d had sex. He’d be hungry and dehydrated by now, seeing as he’d removed the drip from his hand.

Moving across the room, I deposited the food where the scents would hopefully waft over him and encourage his stomach to overpower his dreams. “Shouldn’t we wake him to get him to drink, at least? He’s been out for hours.”

“He’ll be okay now.” Selix nodded at the new drip inserted into Elder’s vein, stuck down with a white strip. “I noticed he’d ripped it out in his sleep. Michaels gave me strict instructions to keep this stuff flowing—even showed me how to administer. He thought Elder might remove it prematurely, so he made sure I came equipped to handle his stubborn ass.”

His lips curled in an odd smirk. “He’ll sleep comfortably while that goo works. However, in another hour or so, someone will have to help him to the bathroom. I’m not averse to injecting him with needles but inserting a catheter? Yeah, that’s beyond my friendship loyalties I’m afraid.”

I smiled, despite myself. Selix no longer scared me after the depth of affection he’d shown for his comrade over the past few days. We had a lot to discuss as far as where he’d been the night the Chinmoku arrived, but I trusted he was one hundred percent committed to Elder and therefore safe.

“I don’t mind helping him.” I was about to add that I’d done it during the night, but if Selix knew Elder had been awake and coordinated enough to shuffle to the bathroom, he might ask other questions that would reveal just how badly I’d screwed things up by being unable to say no to sex.

Selix shook his head, a snicker falling from his lips. “I think he’d rather you remember his cock is used for other purposes rather than pissing.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll stay for a bit. I have a few things to catch up on and can do that while keeping an eye on him. You can have the night shift before we get the hell out of this place.”

“Oh, okay.” My eyes flickered to the tray of unwanted food. I didn’t want to leave, but I also didn’t want to overstep. Selix was his friend. I wouldn’t barge my way into Elder’s life and displace him. I’d had my time playing nurse. I wouldn’t be greedy. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” He moved toward a chair by the window and pulled out his phone. “Have some business to take care of—repairs on the Phantom, plans going forward, etcetera. Need the peace and quiet.”

I understood the dismissal. “Thanks for being there for him. I know he appreciates it.”

Selix’s head snapped up, his eyes locking with mine. His lips parted to say something, but he waved a hand as if to say it was no big deal even though his tension said it was a very big deal. “Don’t need to thank me. He’d do the same.”

“I have no doubt he would.” With a grateful smile, knowing Elder wasn’t alone, I headed downstairs to spend the rest of the day with women instead of men.

* * * * *

“You can hold him if you want.” Tess looked up as I gawked at the effortless way she dealt with a squirmy baby.

She’d just finished changing his diaper on a blanket in the lounge, redressing him in a yellow onesie with a giraffe on the front. A messy, thankless job and one that, for once, didn’t make me crave to be in her shoes with a bouncy baby boy.

He might be small but oh my God, the mess he made…eww.

For a moment, her invitation didn’t register.

I continued to stare as she managed to hold him even as he turned into an octopus, doing his best to slither out of her embrace to grab the dog’s tail.

Twilight had arrived, signalling a foreshadowing end to this strange, simple day. Not an hour had passed when I didn’t look at the ceiling and wish I could go to Elder. But no matter how much I missed him and became desperate to know how he was, I didn’t climb the stairs out of respect for Selix.

Elder was in his capable care. I shouldn’t worry. I should enjoy the chaos of domestic bliss and hang with two women who juggled family, real estate empires, and charities as easily as if they were an army of staff and not just two people.

We’d retired to the lounge where multiple dogs played, taunting Lino to crawl after them. He’d squeal in joy if one bowled straight into his tiny body while playing tug of war with a litter mate, then burst into tears if they stole his afternoon biscuit snack, caking his chubby fingers in canine slobber.

His range of tiny emotions varied from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds, yet it didn’t faze Tess and Suzette. Lino’s noises were just life sounds and not distractions as they achieved tasks in a way I’d never seen. They did paperwork with one hand, discussed a charity dinner party and fundraiser next week, then switched to investment topics on properties in Southeast Asia.

At the same time, Tess would grab her son’s hand and wipe away dog germs, prepare new menus with Mrs Sucre, and still find a way to talk to me in the mayhem.

We’d discussed everything normal women would: what I’d done for work and school before I was taken. What my parents were like—and offered sympathies when I mentioned my father’s death. They enquired after my favourite food and drink. Favourite season. Favourite thing about Elder.

And once we’d stumbled onto the subject of men, we stayed on it for a while.

I’d learned snippets about Q and Franco from sources that knew them better than anyone. I’d giggled at things most men would be horrified to know their significant other’s had shared and became enlightened on more than one sex act that I might or might not have the guts to ever try with Elder.

So by the time Q stalked into the lounge and gave Tess a broodingly heated look, I no longer cursed him for what he’d done to Elder or feared him for his personal tendencies but saw him in a gentler light. His gruffness and clenched jaw didn’t scare me because I knew he flat out adored his wife and baby and nothing made someone more human than that.

“Piiiim? Earth to Pim. Did you hear me?” Tess waggled Lino my way. “Did you want to hold him? You’ve been watching him all day.”

Watching, yes.

Cataloguing, yes.

Learning how every day exposure to different stimuli helped evolve humans from wriggling carpet larvae to walking, talking, capable species.

But touch him?

Hold him?

Feel his heavy baby weight and smell whatever shampoo Tess washed him with?

No.

I can’t.

Right now, I could study him the way my mother would. The way any student of psychology would—as a separate entity, granting fascinating boundless entertainment. An exhibit, for lack of better a word.

If I held him, he’d cease to be a study in human development and become real.

Far, far too real.

Shaking my head, I laughed to hide the horrid secrets of why I would never hold her baby. “No, I’m fine. I’m happier just watching. Thanks, though.”

“Not a fan of children, huh?” Tess winked. “I get that. They require a special kind of tolerance. Sometimes holding them is a feat in power with how they squirm and get into mischief.” Lino pulled her hair and growled a baby growl, proving her point. “But if you change your mind, the offer is always open. Just grab him.”

I didn’t want to come across cold-hearted and untouched by her generosity to share her son, but I also couldn’t endure the pain of correcting her.

Instead, I laughed softly, letting her believe her reasons were mine, looking away to fixate on something less painful.

Unfortunately, I caught Q’s eye as he bypassed the couch with a black folder tucked under his arm.

With a knowing stare, he leaned down and scooped Lino from his wife’s embrace.

Tess rose on her knees to claim a kiss before Q gave me a narrowed look and murmured to his wife as if I wasn’t there. “She won’t change her mind, esclave.”

Tess shot me a look, then glanced back to her husband. “She might. I know people who say they don’t want children sometimes change their minds.”

Q shook his head, piercing me with a green glower. “I apologise, Pimlico. My wife is far too optimistic and doesn’t see what is staring her in the face.” He shot her a disapproving, adoring look. “She’s too resilient, I’m afraid. Forgets sometimes.”

I shifted on the couch, uncomfortable. “I’m not sure I understand—”

His nostrils flared as Lino tugged on his lapels. He shut down as if he didn’t want to admit what he meant.

I should’ve just let it go. I should’ve read between the lines. I should’ve saved myself a world of hurt.

But I didn’t. I was an idiot. “Tell me.”

He sighed heavily as if it cost him deeply to be honest. “What Tess doesn’t see is that it isn’t because you don’t want children, it’s because you can’t. That’s why you won’t hold my son.” He inhaled hard, his eyes apologising even as his voice remained cold, stripping me to pieces. “You’re not the first to come into my care who can no longer have children from what was done to them. Under no circumstances should you feel less than or broken.”

My shoulders curled. I gasped as a fresh wash of agony crashed.

His tone softened as Lino cooed. “This is a private matter, but I myself believed I was infertile for a time, so I understand the pain of wanting something but never knowing if it’s possible.”

I hugged myself, rolling over my knees.

“Q…stop.” Tess turned white, clambering from the floor and moving to his side as if to prevent him from saying any more.

I was glad she tried to shut him up. I wouldn’t be able to tell him to quit butchering me with his cold compassion. I had no breath in my lungs to breathe, let alone waste any on arguments trying to convince him he was wrong.

I so desperately wished I could laugh coyly and throw him off the scent of my tragedy. To convince them and me that children weren’t living, breathing ghosts in my blood, never to become real.

But Q didn’t listen to his wife, determined on lashing me to nothing, even as he tried to be kind. “I understand infertility and the loss you must feel but don’t think you will forever be without. There are other ways.”

“Q,” Tess hissed, reaching for Lino. “Let it go.”

He ignored her. “We donate and run many charities who save orphaned children and animals from around the world. In fact, one of the orphanages I helped set up is right here in Blois. It’s one of the few left. People don’t believe in orphanages anymore, but I do. I’ve seen how living in a safe community can help heal trauma because my own home is an orphanage for abused slaves. Children need the same network—”

“Q!” Tess snapped, her cheeks red and lips thin. “I said, enough.”

Bleak darkness entered his gaze as if he couldn’t quite believe he’d spilled such truths and forced himself into my problems. “Merde, forgive me, Pimlico.” He muttered something in French, something self-derisive and sharp followed by strained English. “Just like my wife didn’t think, it seems I have the same flaw.”

I can’t do this.

I can’t be here anymore.

Stumbling upright, I swayed as my lungs stayed tight, restricting air. “It-it’s okay.” Gulping oxygen, suffering the familiar pressure of panic seeping like glue into my chest, I fought against the tunnelling of my vision, the clawing of my throat.

I needed to find a place where I could be alone.

I needed to be free to gasp and gulp and rid myself of the pictures Q and Tess had put inside my mind.

“I-I’ll be right back.”

Tripping in my haste, I didn’t look where I was going.

I didn’t care I lied and had no intention of coming back.

I didn’t care I just proved everything they’d said was true.

I just flew.