* * FOUR MONTHS LATER * *

 

 

HOURS OF HEAVEN.

Days of happiness.

Months of paradise.

Four months of sailing wherever we pleased, exploring whatever we fancied, and enjoying everything I could ever want while fearing it would all be taken away.

I had everything.

I was so fucking happy, but something niggled my mind, slowly growing more and more persistent.

I’d never been one for trusting in good things. It didn’t matter I’d paid my final sum for the lottery ticket I’d stolen or that Oliver Gold had received the exact amount he’d won. It didn’t matter I’d signed over fifty percent of my company to Selix and he’d grudgingly accepted what he deserved. And it didn’t matter I woke every morning to Pim and Spot, safe and happy beside me.

I was too used to everything being ruined whenever I let down my guard.

Yet it never happened.

My habits were kept at bay with the occasional joint, and Pim kept me centred with her affection. Ever since she’d given me the two cellos, my OCD had once again become manageable.

Some days, I played the black cello, pouring the last of my grief into my music. Its strings lived for death metal, dark punk, or a brutal blend of the two. Some days, I played the white cello, strumming with newfound happiness and love, creating classical and pop and pieces my father would’ve been proud of. And some days, Pim sat between my legs and I taught her anything she wanted to know, slowly taking back, note by note, the past that was stolen from her.

A couple of weeks ago, after chasing the summer, we’d sailed into the Fijian archipelago. Surrounded by beautiful islands, I spent my mornings working, afternoons swimming with Pim, and evenings in tropical hotels.

Pim had taken to caring after little Spot as if he was more than just a dog but a child. I couldn’t deny I’d done the same thing, both of us doting on the little critter.

I’d never had a pet growing up, but Pim taught me to let go and live voraciously through the eyes of a canine. Simplistic joy and wholehearted connection in everything he did from napping to playing to hanging out with us while we watched a movie in bed.

Pim laughed louder, smiled wider, and had so much life compared to a year ago when I’d carried her bleeding and unconscious from that bastard’s house.

I had to admit, having another little soul on board—a soul that was so grateful for every scratch and ball throw, a soul that thrived under our nurturing love—helped my untrusting heart believe that maybe, just maybe, I finally deserved to find some happiness.

My fear at losing Pim might never go away, but I slowly stopped searching the skies for chasing ships or new enemies.

The niggle in the back of my mind would hopefully quieten in time, and the greed for more perfection, more happiness, more everything would hopefully be satisfied with everything we already had.

That was what I hoped.

However, that was before the niggle turned into a craving.

It happened suddenly.

It happened sharply.

It happened while overlooking an island called the Seven Turtles where four helicopter-crash victims had struggled to survive.

I looked up from amending a blueprint while Pim read beside me. She absentmindedly threw Spot’s favourite ball for him to fetch, and an overwhelming punch of emotion crippled me.

It sank in claws and made me beg for this.

All of this.

Pim and me and Spot and freedom.

Forever.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t imagine another day of my life without this woman beside me.

All I could do was suffocate at how perfect she was—how perfect she made me.

I’d earned something I never thought possible but in some horrible, awful twist, it wasn’t enough.

With the setting sun tangling in Pim’s chocolate hair, I couldn’t ignore the pain of never being able to bring a son or daughter into this world. I couldn’t stop picturing more. Of a precious child who would never know the meaning of hate.

What good was my wealth if I couldn’t use it to make others happy?

I’d already given a few million to each of my family members. I’d already paid my debts and ensured Selix would be set for life. I’d called my lawyer and updated my will to ensure Pim had my fortune if I passed far too early. I’d taken care of everything I could think of, yet sitting there in that idyllic simple moment…something fundamental was missing.

Something I couldn’t buy or steal.

Something I couldn’t bribe or manufacture.

Something that could only be saved…as I’d saved Pim and she’d saved Spot.

I supposed it was karma’s way of completing a full three sixty—the circle of life and all that bullshit.

Adoption.

Pim hadn’t uttered the word since we’d left France, but I’d read the email from Tess a couple of times, wanting to bring up the subject but never knowing how.

At the time, I only wanted to know if Pim was okay with her body’s limitations. I didn’t care if she’d never need more than a dog to fill that need to tend and care.

But now, as I stared at the woman I loved more than anything, fuck, it hurt.

It hurt to think we had so much to give and no one to give it to.

It killed me to think others were out there who needed saving, just like her.

I was suddenly hungry, greedy, downright starving for the chance to do something beyond myself. Yes, it was selfish too, but my reasons were born from the desire to rescue those who’d been forgotten.

I couldn’t shake the idea, no matter how preposterous it was.

But is it preposterous?

Mercer had mentioned they were ambassadors and benefactors for multiple charities. They were in the business of saving lives.

I hadn’t saved Pim out of the goodness of my heart. I’d saved her because something about her affected me right down to my core. I’d recognised her for being a part of me even as a stranger. I’d felt the shift inside, knowing I’d met my other half—even before I understood.

I was selfish because I’d only saved Pim.

I hadn’t had a drive to save another as I no longer had any room in my heart to love someone as much as I loved her.

But now…now my heart had swollen, grown, morphed into an empty cavern ready to love again.

Ready to love a child.

The fact Pim hadn’t spoken to me about the possibility made me think she wasn’t ready. That she still held onto the hope she would one day be able to conceive.

And I hoped that, too.

I would keep hoping that one day she’d become pregnant with our baby. But I wouldn’t pin my happiness on something that might never happen.

There were other ways.

Just as happy ways.

My heart grew impossibly bigger, larger, wiser sitting in this perfect domestic moment.

We had everything we could ever need. Therefore, we could offer someone who needed saving everything they could ever need.

Three questions popped into my head.

Three loud, obnoxious, unable-to-be-denied-any-longer questions that needed answers immediately.

Shit.

My hands shook with urgency. My body jumpy with need.

I hadn’t had an over focus episode since needing to clean Mercer’s place after the Chinmoku, but in that moment, all I could focus on was those three questions.

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Answers needed.

Now.

Rolling up the blueprint, I weighed it down with an empty beer glass and stood. Standing over Pim, casting her in my shadow, I held out my hand for her to take. “Come to bed with me.”

Her eyebrow rose as she threw Spot’s rubber chicken that we’d picked up at some local market in Viti Levu and placed her hand in mine. “I love it when you’re bossy.”

I smirked, pulling her upright. “You’ll love me even more with the mood I’m in then.”

“Mood? What mood?” Her gaze danced over my face as I strode toward our suite. “Everything okay?”

My hand shook harder. How could I ask what I needed and what sort of answers would I receive?

I knew Pim better than I knew myself most days. I knew she loved her coffee not too hot, she loved the smell of coconuts but didn’t like the milk, she was a morning lark rather than a night owl, and she watched me while I slept because her eyes touched me just as potently as the rest of her.

But I didn’t fucking know the answers to my questions.

I have to know.

“Everything’s fine. I just…have a few things to ask you.”

She paused as we crossed the threshold. “What things?”

I yanked her inside. “Things you’re about to find out.”