Kat

I pushed Dean away, all because he wants to be more than friends. But I am not convinced that he sees me as anything other than his best friend. He only wants more because he needs me back in his life. I need him, too. But I haven’t figured out in what capacity, and it hurts too much to think about losing him after graduation.

What I thought was a last-ditch effort to keep him in my life was a stupid plan. This is your chance, I had told myself. For years, I’d wondered if Dean could ever commit to me and if it was even worth ruining our friendship over. The answer is no. Too bad I put us both through all this pain just to find out.

After I step out from the bathroom, Becca, my roommate, hands me a bottle of water. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I unscrew the top and take a sip of water. “Don’t worry about me. I have a weak stomach. I’m used to it.”

“Yeah, but you’ve been sick a lot lately. Maybe you have a gluten allergy.”

“Celiac disease? No, I doubt it.” I plop down on my bed and look up at Becca, still feeling sick to my stomach. “It will pass.”

“If it were a few days, I would say fine, but it’s been at least a week of you hurling almost every meal.”

“Can you hand me my textbook?” I point to the Business Ethics book I need to read if I still want to graduate with honors.

Becca sets it on the bed next to me and sits down. “You need to see a doctor. Let me make an appointment for you, and in the meantime, stop eating so much food with gluten in it. Ever since our season ended, you’ve been eating a ton of carbs.”

“I haven’t even had anything to eat today.”

She scoots closer to me and studies my face. “Please, go. You need to have the tests done to see if you have something serious going on. Vomiting most of your meals is not healthy or normal. My sister has Celiacs. It can be painful and sucks ass if you don’t get treated.”

“All I have to do is stop eating gluten,” I tell her, opening up the textbook on my lap. “There, problem solved.”

“Stop being so stubborn and go to the doctor. It’s better you know now, so you can prevent yourself from getting sick for the rest of your life.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I say with a smile and a wink.

“Hey, do what you want. I’m speaking from experience with my sister. It will only get worse if you don’t get tested.”

I lift my phone from the bed and dial the number for the health center on campus. Five minutes later, I have an appointment for the end of the week. That satisfies Becca enough for us to get back to work.

She grabs her books, pens, and notecards, and scatters them along the floor between our twin beds. We’ve shared a room since our freshman year. The school grouped the girls on the women’s hockey team together, and I since I’d requested Becca and she me, we have been together ever since. She’s an amazing hockey player and has had my back since we were kids.

I glance down at the practice test shoved inside my book. “Okay, so what did you get for the first question?”

She bites on the tip of her pen and looks over at me as if she’s puzzled. “I didn’t answer it.”

I lean to the side to grab my pillow and throw it at her head. “You are the worst study partner ever.”

“Hey,” Becca yells, throwing her hands in the air. “I didn’t know the answer.”

“Considering it’s the easiest one on the entire sheet, that’s scary.”

“Well, smarty pants, we can’t all be perfect.”

I laugh. “I am far from perfect. I messed up so bad I don’t’ even know how to fix it.”

“With Dean?” She scoots closer to me and drops the pen inside her book. “You never told me what’s up with you two. He’s been acting just as weird as you.”

I shrug and fall back against the bed, deflated. “I don’t know. Things are complicated.”

The thought of our last conversation makes me want to puke all over again. My guilt and regret is probably the real reason for my weak stomach. I could never handle stress.

“Did he do something to you? I can kick his ass if you want.”

We both laugh at her stupidity.

“Don’t even think about it,” I warn. “Dean didn’t do anything. It was me. I screwed up.”

“Are you going to tell me, or do I have to pull it out of you?”

Frustrated, I let out a puff of air, blowing my hair in my face. “We hooked up.”

“As in you had sex with Dean?” Her eyes and mouth widen in shock. “Shut up. You guys finally did it.”

I turn my head away from her to stare out the window at the far corner of our room. “It was a mistake.”

“Really? How could sex with Dean be a mistake? By now, the entire school has probably seen him naked, and you would know better than me that he’s—”

I hold up my hand to silence her. “Please don’t finish that thought. And yes, he’s…Well, he’s Dean. Can we leave it at that?”

She tugs on my shoulder, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “Will you at least give me some details? Ugh, sex with Dean Crawford has to be at the top of most of the girls on this campus’ bucket list.”

“I can check it off of mine.” I give her a lopsided grin to lighten the mood, even though I feel like shit on the inside.

“C’mon, Kat. Give me something here.”

“Fine.” I roll my eyes at Becca. “He was amazing.”

“What changed?”

“Don’t get mad, but we’ve been having sex since last year. I asked Dean to take my virginity, and he did. The fact I haven’t told one of my closest friends only proves we could never work.”

“So, why can’t you guys work it out? I don’t understand?”

“I refuse to be his secret girlfriend. I thought I could do it, but I want more than what he can offer me. Dean wants me to be his girl, but my brothers can’t know, so what’s the point? We were able to go back to normal for a long time until I had to ask him if we could be more. The next morning changed everything, at least for me. When reality had sunken in, and I realized we could never make it work, I knew we had to go back to being friends.”

“But you’re not even friends anymore. Are you? You walk away from him most of the times you see him on campus and ignore his calls.”

“I need time, I guess. After what Dean did the next day, I haven’t felt the same.”

“Don’t hold back. What did he do?”

“He made me get inside his closet while he talked to Theo about me like I was a puck bunny. It was awful. While I sat on the floor next to a smelly Brauer bag, it hit me that we’d made a mistake. Dean has been trying to show me we haven’t, but I don’t share the same opinion.”

“But you guys have been friends for years, and he’s practically attached at the hip to the twins.”

“The twins are another reason why it would never work. My brothers have trusted him for all these years to look after me. Of course, Duke has always thought there was something more between Dean and me, but the twins don’t see it that way.”

“So, you’re going to deny your feelings for Dean because of your brothers? For such a smart girl, you are acting like an idiot, Kat. You would have your entire life mapped out for you with Dean.”

“That’s another reason we can’t be together. We graduate next week, and then, I’m off to Chicago for my internship. Dean will go back home to help his mom until the NHL Draft. We can’t date when we live two thousand miles away from each other.”

“It’s not like he wouldn’t stop in Chicago for games, and I’m sure you guys could work something out long distance.”

“My parents had to do that for years. Even before my mom had gotten sick, Duke said it was hard for her to not see my dad for long periods. Duke and Austin kept her company and helped take care of her when she got too sick to do things on her own. My dad didn’t have a choice. If he wanted to be able to afford the treatment my mom needed, he had to focus on his career. I don’t want to be in that position.”

“Stop focusing on the negatives,” Becca says, crossing her legs in front of her. “You shouldn’t shut Dean out of your life because of what happened to your parents.”

“I don’t want to end up alone, waiting around for someone who is hardly ever home. If you grew up the way I did, you would understand. My brothers are like parents to me, and that complicates everything.”

Becca taps me on the knee and smiles. “I get it, trust me I do. But this is Dean we are talking about. He would do anything for you.”

I nod. Becca is right about Dean. For years, he has been my rock. I have to make things right between us before it’s too late.

* * *

On my way to the health center, I run into Dean. He’s dressed in black basketball shorts and a cut-off shirt that shows every definition in his arms. It’s hard not to want him when he looks this good, but I promised myself that we could go back to being friends. And I plan to stick to that.

Hooking his arm around my back, Dean pulls me against his side. While this is normal, his gesture still feels like something a man would do with his girlfriend. We did this together, long before we had sex, making it even harder for me to distinguish between his actions.

“I’m glad you finally got over being a girl,” Dean says with laughter in his voice.

I glance up at him and smirk. “Must I remind you that I am a girl, you stupid boy?”

He wiggles his eyebrows at me, and it’s so fucking cute I want to kiss him for it. “Oh, I know you’re a girl, Kitten.”

“Let’s not make this weird,” I tell him, afraid our conversation will take another bad turn.

Before we hooked up, conversations about sex were exactly that. I never spent much time reading into anything, since I never thought Dean was remotely interested in me. Now that I have noticed the shift in his behavior, I over analyze everything Dean says and does. I hate myself for doing it, but I have trouble separating those thoughts when we are together.

“Zero weirdness,” he says, opening the door to the clinic for me. “After you, Kitten.”

We walk down the long hall in silence, which never bothered either of us before. Now, it feels as though we have no idea what to say to each other. Dean treads lightly around me. I can tell he’s afraid he will do something wrong that will cause me to push him away again. I feel horrible for everything I put him through.

We stop in front of the counter and wait for the woman sitting behind it to look over her shoulder and acknowledge us.

“I hope you don’t have that Celiacs stuff,” Dean says so that only I can hear him. “I Googled it last night. It sounds like it sucks. You wouldn’t be able to eat deep dish pizza anymore.”

I smile at his words. “Nothing is going to stop me from eating pizza when I get home. I’ve been looking forward to it since my season ended.”

“I want to come for a visit after the Draft. I have to see if this pizza place is worth all the praise.”

“Oh, it’s worth it, all right.”

The nurse spins her chair around to face us, her face expressionless. “Name, please.”

I press my palms to the desk and lean forward. “Katherine Baldwin. I’m here to see Dr. Grady about my test results.”

She scrolls through the computer and clicks a few buttons. “Is your health insurance still the same?”

“I was just here four days ago.”

She gives me a serious look. “Yes or no?”

Dean coughs to hold back his laughter.

I nudge him on the arm while maintaining eye contact with Nurse Ratched. “Yes, it’s still the same.”

“Great. Have a seat.” Then, she turns around, as if we were never even there.

We walk away from the front desk and find a seat close to the entrance door. With graduation only a few days away, the health center is desolate. The eerie silence in the room makes the awkwardness between Dean and me more noticeable.

Why can’t I put my girl feelings aside and go back to being his best friend? Before we had sex, I never had an issue being around Dean. We went everywhere together and did everything together. There was never a time where I was uncomfortable talking to him. I’ve even talked to him about cramps and stupid girls shit. He never cared what we talked about as long as he had me in his life.

Dean holds my hand on his lap as we wait for another nurse, dressed in light blue scrubs, to stroll through a door.

“Katherine Baldwin,” she says, staring down at the chart in her hands.

I peel my fingers from Dean’s and get up from the chair. He mirrors my movements and presses his hand to my back to help me up.

“That’s me,” I tell the nurse.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

I lock eyes with Dean and shake my head. “No, I’ll be okay. It should only take a few minutes for me to talk to the doctor.”

“I’ll wait out here for you.” He grasps my hip, pulling me close enough to plant a kiss on my forehead. “Good luck, Kitten.”

I smile in acknowledgment, before walking alongside the nurse to the back of the clinic. After the nurse takes my vitals, she notates the information in my chart without speaking a single word to me. Nervous energy rushes through my body, igniting a fire beneath my skin. I have always hated doctors, mostly because I grew up with them coming and going from my house.

Maybe I should have brought Dean back here to keep me company. He would know the right things to say to calm me down.

“Hello, Katherine,” Dr. Grady says with a worried look on his withered face. “How are you feeling today?”

“Worse than a few days ago. My stomach is killing me. I can feel it; I know something is wrong with me. Do I have Celiacs? I stopped eating gluten days ago.”

He shakes his head and sits down on the stool next to me.

“Your tests are negative for Celiac disease. However, I had the lab run a few more tests to rule out other possibilities.” He closes the chart and sets it on the table next to me. “Did you know that you are pregnant?”

My heart speeds up to an abnormal rate that even my usual breathing exercises cannot control. “How can I be pregnant?” Holding my stomach, I lean forward and choke on my words. “That’s not possible.”

“I’m afraid the tests do not lie.”

“But how?” I have trouble breathing. The air sucks from my lungs when I try to speak.

“We sampled your blood, Katherine.”

“Kat,” I remind him.

He nods.

“Look, Kat, you have options. I know this wasn’t the news you wanted to hear before graduation.”

“No, not even close.” I cover my face with my hands and sigh.

How is this happening?

“When was the last time you were sexually active?”

I peek at him between my fingers. “Last month.”

“You’re not too far along,” he says, ripping a piece of paper from the pad in his pocket. “Here’s a list of OBGYNs in the area. Pick one you like, and I can send them a referral letter along with a copy of your chart.”

I take the paper from his hand. “I’m moving back to Chicago. Do you happen to know anyone there?”

“I’m afraid not. Give your insurance company a call. They should be able to help you find someone.” He gets up from the chair, and I struggle not to cry in front of him.

“Thanks, Doc.” I hold out my trembling hand for him to shake.

He crushes my fingers with his firm grip. “Take care of yourself, Kat.”

Whenever I have a problem, I run to Dean, except now he’s part of the problem. What do I do? Having a baby could ruin everything. As if things were not bad enough for us, a child could drive an even bigger wedge between us.

Do I tell him? Fuck. I don’t want to ruin his future because of a mistake that was my idea. Now, I have to make a decision, one that could change both of our lives forever.