Seventeen

So apparently Renee had had a fight with her mother and had decided to come back to the apartment on Saturday rather than stay home. She’d texted both of us to let us know so we didn’t freak out if she was there, but neither of us had been paying attention to our phones. We hadn’t been paying attention to much of anything other than the other one’s lips.

Hunter and I had rolled away from one another, breathless and still buzzing with the energy of the kiss. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to recover from such an explosive kiss.

“What happened to the recliner?” Renee asked.

For some reason, I looked over at Hunter, who was on his back on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. He met my eyes and grinned. We both started laughing and once we started, we couldn’t stop.

“Okay then. I’m going to bed. You can, um… Yeah. Just don’t be too loud. I really don’t want to hear anything. You know what? I’ll put in earplugs. Carry on.” She scurried to her room and slammed the door.

Hunter and I both lay on our backs, wondering what the hell had just happened.

“Just because I kissed you doesn’t mean I like you. I still don’t.”

“Yeah, because I make out with guys I don’t like all the time.”

“I told you that I didn’t make out with girls I liked. So there you go. I don’t like you.”

“You have a weird way of showing it, Mr. Zaccadelli.”

“You have delicious lips, Miss Caldwell.”

So did he. So delicious I couldn’t remember why we had stopped kissing. Oh, right. Renee had walked in on us. Oops.

Somehow I was able to peel myself off the floor and right the recliner. Hunter was still on the floor, his eyes closed and his hand rubbing circles on his tattoo.

“I’m going to bed,” I blurted out. It was late, and I was tired. Granted, if he wanted to keep making out, I’d find the energy somewhere. 

Oh my God. I’d kissed Hunter.

The reality crashed down on me, and I ran to the bathroom. I wasn’t going to get sick, but I felt like it. 

I wasn’t supposed to be kissing Hunter. I wasn’t supposed to be kissing anyone. 

I braced my hands on the sink and looked at my face in the mirror, surprised to find that my lips weren’t bruised. They felt like they’d been ravaged by him. My hair had somehow gotten all over the place. It looked like I’d had a rough night.

I had.

I ran the cold water and washed my face. I wanted to take a shower, but I didn’t know if I’d have the energy. Suddenly I was very, very tired.

I went back across the hall to our bedroom. Hunter was in the living room, the Xbox going. Once I was alone in our room, I put my pjs on and crawled into bed. The cool sheets weren’t enough to soothe my fevered skin. I was burning up, but not with sickness. I was burning with something else. I shoved my retainer in my mouth and grabbed a book. 

My brain wouldn’t focus on the words. My brain wouldn’t focus on anything but remembering how Hunter had kissed me like we were the last two people on earth and it was time for our last kiss. My brain wouldn’t focus on how he said my lips were delicious and how he’d said I was beautiful. It wouldn’t focus on anything but the feel of his hands on my body, as if he wanted to touch every single inch of me.

I shook my head, but that didn’t help. I shut off the light and put my iPod on, turning up the music loud so maybe my brain would be distracted. It sort of helped, and the pain in my eardrums was at least a little distracting.

I heard Hunter come to bed an hour later. He stumbled around, removing his clothes with less grace than normal. I had the feeling he was still slightly intoxicated. He sighed loudly as he got into bed.

“What have you done to me, Missy?” he whispered, thinking I was asleep.

What had he done to me? That was the question.

Shattered. He broke me apart in a million pieces. I hoped I’d be able to put them back together.

*****

“No! No!”

 A yell woke me up later that night. Hunter was having another nightmare, this time a violent one. He was thrashing, and I was afraid he was going to fall out of bed and hurt himself.

“Hunter, Hunter!” I slapped his shoulder. He wasn’t an easy one to wake when he was having a nightmare. It took three more slaps before his eyes opened and he blinked at me, his chest heaving.

“You were having another nightmare,” I said as he struggled to bring himself back under control. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“No, you’re not okay, or no, you don’t want to talk about it?”

“No to both.” He took several slow breaths. I felt stupid standing there.

“Okay then. I’m going back to bed.” I turned, but he grabbed onto my arm to stop me.

“Don’t. Will you stay with me? I just… please.”

“You want me to sleep with you? Hell, no.”

“I’m not talking about that, Missy. I just want you to lie with me. Just shut up and hand me my boxers.” I did so and averted my eyes as he slid them over his hips. “Forget it. Just go to bed.”

“No, no. It’s fine.” The thought of having Hunter’s arms around me was both something I wanted and something I was scared of. His eyes found mine in the dark.

“Will you stay with me? I think I’ll sleep better. I swear I won’t hurt you.” He lifted the covers up, and I climbed in. The bed was small, but Hunter moved so his back was against the wall, so I had enough room to turn on my side, my back to his front. He pulled the covers back up.

“Goodnight.”

“Night,” I whispered.

He was trying to touch me as little as possible, which was nearly impossible in the small bed. I took a deep breath and moved closer to him. I heard a sharp intake of breath before my back met his skin. His arm came around and cradled me. We were in the bubble again. The world could end and we would still be here, like this.

“Goodnight, Missy,” he whispered into my hair.

Goodnight, Hunter.

*****

I woke in the morning with my face pressed into Hunter’s chest. Somehow in the night I’d turned so we were face to face. His chin was on top of my head and his arm was around my back, holding me close. One of us had kicked off the blanket, and our legs were wrapped around one another, like we’d somehow twined and become one person during the night. 

I knew I should move. I knew my legs shouldn’t be wrapped around his. That his arms shouldn’t be around me and that it shouldn’t feel like I was exactly where I was supposed to be for the first time in my life.

Hunter shifted just a little so I knew he was waking up.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey.” 

“How did that happen?”

I gathered he was referring to our present position. 

“I don’t know.”

 Neither of us made a move. His hand started making lazy circles on my back. 

“I like waking up with you in my arms,” he whispered, inhaling the scent of my hair. He looked so vulnerable. So sweet. He smiled, and it felt like my heart was going to explode. This couldn’t be.

I moved away from him.

“Well, this is the first and last time. My bed is more comfortable.” I rolled as far as I could while still being in the bed. He held on for a moment, but then let me go. Bubble burst.

“But it doesn’t have me in it.” 

“Exactly. Which means I sleep much better.” I hadn’t gotten the best night of sleep with Hunter, but waking up wrapped up with him had been more than worth it. If only we’d had a bigger bed.

No. I was not letting myself go there. This was not going to continue. I couldn’t let it. Kissing and such led to other things.

I climbed out of Hunter’s bed and stretched my arms, feeling like a little piece of happiness had broken off and fallen to the floor. I left it there among my clothes and books and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

Hunter and I skirted around one another for the rest of the day. He went out to play ultimate Frisbee with Dev and Sean in the afternoon, and I decided I needed a little shopping therapy and called Megan.

“Girl time? Do you even need to ask?” she said.

I picked her up at her apartment, which had a ton of trash in the yard and empty plastic cups littering the porch.

“Guys had a blow-out last night. I’m tired of cleaning.”

“Sounds awesome.”

 She glanced at my face. 

“Okay, what happened? You’ve got the weirdest look on your face.”

“Hunter kissed me.”

“What?! Did you kiss him back?”

“You could say that.”

“I knew it!” she shrieked as I pulled onto the main street. “How was it? Was it good? I bet he knew what he was doing.”

Oh, did he ever.

“There’s more.”

“You didn’t…”

“No. But I met his family and we kind of slept together last night. Like, in the same bed. With no sex.”

She shook her head side to side. “Damn. You move quick.”

“It’s not like that, Meg.”

She rolled her eyes. 

“Then what is it like? Because usually when you kiss someone, meet his parents and sleep in his bed, it means you like him.”

“I don’t like him.”

“But you don’t not like him.”

“That’s a double negative.”

“You’re deflecting.” Hunter would have said the same thing.

“You know I can’t get close with someone like that.”

“It’s not that you can’t. It’s that you won’t. Those are two different things, Taylor.”

“Not to me. I just… I just can’t. Every time I think about it, all I remember is that night and what happened.”

“You shouldn’t let that one night define the rest of your life. You’re not going to get over it; no one would. But you can’t let it dictate who you are and if you can love someone. That’s just letting him win.”

Megan didn’t understand. She hadn’t been there that night. She hadn’t seen his face. She hadn’t watched while he… She hadn’t heard him say he was going to kill me if I ever told. She didn’t have dark memories that affected every single day of her life. So who was she to tell me how to deal with them?

“He didn’t win. He’s in jail.”

“For how long?” 

“A while.” Another two years, to be exact. By the time he got out, I’d be ready for him if he came for me. I wasn’t going to be a victim twice. That reminded me, I hadn’t been to kickboxing in a few days. I’d have to make more of an effort to make it to the classes.

“What are you going to do when he gets out?”

“Be ready. If he comes for me, then so be it. He won’t get out of it alive.”

“You wouldn’t really kill him.”

“Yeah, I would.” I could say this without fear or reservation. He didn’t deserve to live. He was never going to hurt anyone else again, if I had anything to say about it. I’d been too young when it happened, but I wasn’t a child anymore.

“That scares me, Tay.”

I shrugged. I never said I was a saint.

I changed the subject as quickly as I could, but I kept seeing Meg watching me. As if I was going to suggest going to a sporting goods store and purchasing a gun right then and there. Oh, I had plans for that. I was going to ask for shooting lessons for Christmas from Tawny. I had a pellet gun, but I wanted to learn how to use a proper gun. You could never be too careful.

The day wasn’t a total loss, as we flitted from store to store, looking for deals and trying on earrings and testing lotions.

“What do you think of this one?” She held out her wrist for me to smell. It was spicy and sweet, like pumpkin pie. Yum.

“Pumpkin barf?”

“Damn close.” She got three bottles.

“So what was the family like?”

“Well, his parents are dead so he lives with his aunt and uncle in this huger than huge house. It makes a mansion look like a double-wide.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Wish I was. That chandelier must be a bitch to dust.”

“There was a chandelier?”

“And a grand staircase and a den, and an apple orchard in the back. It had the works.”

“Were there maids?”

“Not that I saw, but it could have just been their day off. I’m telling you, it was massive. I was afraid to breathe.”

“Why didn’t you take any pictures?”

“It didn’t cross my mind,” I said as we lined up at the smoothie stand.

“So who else was there?”

 I told her about Harper and Mase and Darah’s budding relationship. I didn’t mention Joe or the spying. For some reason, I couldn’t share that with anyone. Not even Megan.

“You should marry him. Then you can be a trophy wife and have your own reality show,” she said as she ordered her smoothie.

“I am a trophy for no man,” I said, ordering a mango pineapple.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Megan said.

“I know. I guess I’m still reeling from everything.”

“And rightfully so.” 

We wandered with our smoothies a little more. I popped into the bookstore to see if they had the new book I was waiting for. They had one copy left, and I did a little happy dance in the aisle as I snatched it up, giddy.

“Thanks for the girly time. We need to do a beauty day soon,” I said, giving her a hug. I was still on a book-buying high, so I didn’t mind a little affection.

“Call me. You know, if you need to talk. Anytime.”

“Thanks, Meg. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.”

Darah and Renee were deep in conversation when I got back.

“You, spill,” Renee said. “I’ve been dying to talk to you all day, but I had that stupid study session.”

Crap. I was not getting out of this. Renee had that crazed look in her eyes like when she’d been studying for ten hours straight and was hopped up on too much coffee, or she’d been paying too much Skyrim. I did not like that look.

“We kissed,” I said, sitting down on the recliner. Oh, that recliner… I got up and sat at the end of the couch, beside Darah.

“It’s about time. You two have been dancing around each other since day one. So, how was it?” Renee put her head in her hands, as if she was expecting a juicy play-by-play. Wasn’t going to happen.

“We didn’t.”

“You didn’t? So I slept with my earplugs for nothing? Then what was the yelling I thought I heard?”

“That was nothing. Well, nothing sexual.”

“You didn’t do anything?”

“No.”

“Nothing?” Renee looked really disappointed.

Darah was studying my face in a way I didn’t like. 

“You seemed like you were having a good time yesterday,” Darah said. 

“For the most part. Harper was adorable.”

“I know. She’s just the sweetest. Mase and I are thinking of taking her to Funtown before it closes. Her parents don’t want her to go, you know, because she can’t do most of the rides, but Mase already called and they can make accommodations for some of them. He’s so thoughtful.” She smiled.

“He is.” That reminded me of Hunter taking care of the drunken girls last night. I hoped they got home safe.

“So you’re telling me you didn’t have sex?” Renee didn’t want to let it go. She was starved for romance since she didn’t have one of her own currently.

“Nope.”

“I’m sure you will soon. You can’t deny chemistry like that for long. Sooner or later. Boom.”

The kissing had been quite boom. I couldn’t imagine anything being more intense than that.

“It’s not like that.”

“Uh, yes it is.”

“I hate to say she’s right, but Renee is right,” Darah said.

“Why do you hate to say I’m right?”

“Because you’re usually wrong when it comes to things like this.”

“Things like what?”

“Relationships. It’s not a bad thing. You just seem to think more with your head than your heart sometimes. It’s not a bad thing,” she said again, trying to sound like it was a compliment instead of an insult.

“Whatever,” Renee said, waving off the thinly veiled insult. “So have you guys talked about it yet?”

“No. I’m going to avoid talking as much as humanly possible. I can’t get involved with him. If we did, and then it ended, one of us would have to move out.”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

Was it? I’d been so sure that the solution to my problems was Hunter moving out. If he wasn’t here, I wouldn’t see him all the time. I wouldn’t think about him all the time. I wouldn’t want him all the time.

“Honey, if he moves out, that’s not going to change your feelings. You’re still going to want to jump his bones if he lives here, or in Istanbul,” Renee said.

“What about Istanbul?” Hunter said as he opened the door.

“We were just talking about how awesome it would be to visit,” Renee said, not missing a beat. “I’ve always wanted to go there.”

“Uh huh,” Hunter said. I saw that he had grocery bags on his arms.

“You get your car fixed?” I asked.

“Yeah, it was a belt issue. I got taco stuff if anyone wants some.”

“But we don’t have sombreros or margaritas,” Renee said.

“Uh, no,” I said.

“We can’t have taco night without those things. They are essential.” Renee got up and grabbed her purse. 

“Who’s coming with me on a hat and marg mission?” She gave a pointed look at Darah, who also got to her feet.

“I’m in,” Darah said.

Renee was trying to give me a subtle look, but it didn’t really work. She just looked like she was in pain.

“I’ll help you with the tacos,” I said, sighing and getting up from the couch. I guess Hunter and I were going to have to talk sooner rather than later thanks to my roommates’ interference.

“I got that fake meat stuff for you,” he said, pulling it out of the shopping bag.

“Thanks.” He’d also gotten me some bottles of cranberry-lime seltzer water, which I was addicted to.

We both were silent as we unpacked the bags, setting the stuff out on the counter. I took the initiative and started working on the vegetables while Hunter got two pans going with the meat and the fake stuff cooking.

“So are we going to talk about last night?” he said as he stirred each pan with two different wooden spoons. He was so considerate about keeping my food separate.

“I don’t know,” I said, washing a pepper in the sink. We were standing so close I bumped into him a few times. “Do you want to?”

“How about we talk about the fact that you say you don’t like me, but you kiss me and then you sleep with me?”

“First of all,” I said, wiping the pepper off vigorously with a paper towel and moving on to a second, “you were going to kiss me. I just made it happen faster. And second, you asked me to sleep with you. I was worried if you had another nightmare you were going to fall out of bed. I was looking out for your safety.” I moved to the cutting board and started chopping.

He snorted as he stirred the meat and non-meat.

“Yeah, that was why I woke up with your legs and arms and body wrapped around mine like an octopus.”

“You didn’t seem to mind.”

He didn’t answer for a second so I looked up.

“I didn’t,” he said quietly.

“Me neither.” We both thought about that for a second.

“So what now?” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“What do we do now? We can’t just be roommates.”

“You said you didn’t like me.”

“I don’t like you. I don’t like how your hair smells, and how I can’t stop thinking about waking up and seeing your face. I hate how my bed felt empty when you left. I don’t like how good you were with my family, especially Harper, and how I wanted to see you with them again, but not just as a guest. As a member. You’re right. I don’t like you at all.”

“When did you change your mind?”

“My mind never changed. I’ve wanted you since the moment you opened the door and had that stunned look on your face. It just took me a while to admit it. Why deny it now? It is what it is and it’s not going to change.”

“Oh.”

“This doesn’t mean I’m going to be nice. I’m still going to be an ass. I’ll just be an ass who apologizes and brings you flowers to say he’s been a dick.”

“Chocolate,” I said.

“What?”

“I’d rather have chocolate when you apologize.”

“Chocolate it is.” He smiled. “So does that mean what I think it means?”

“No. It just means that you get to bring me chocolate when you’ve been an ass. I’m going to weigh three hundred pounds.” I focused my attention back on the peppers. I couldn’t think about Hunter’s declaration of… whatever it was.

Footsteps didn’t make me look up.

“Taylor, look at me. Please.” Damn. If only he didn’t say please.  

“I can’t promise not to make you mad. I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you. All I can promise is that I want you in my life, and I’ll do anything to keep you there.”

“What about the bet?”

“It still stands. A bet is a bet. The stakes are just a little bit higher, that’s all.”

“So if I asked you to leave, would you?”

“No. This is my apartment just as much as it is yours. I’ll only leave under three conditions. The ball is in your court. I stick to my word. And I don’t want to leave. Leaving means I don’t get to see you all the time, and I don’t want that.”

I swallowed and tried to sort my scattered mind. Yes, I did like waking up with Hunter. Much, much more than I should. On the other hand, I couldn’t get closer to him. That would only lead to things I couldn’t deal with. I wasn’t a carefree girl who could just jump into a relationship. I had too much baggage. I couldn’t carry it myself, let alone foist it off on someone else.

I was fucked up. Much more so than he could imagine. While it was true Hunter had his own secret, it didn’t seem to burden him like mine did. He wore it like one of his tattoos, a part of him, but not a dominant part. Megan was right; that one night did define me. It had since I was twelve. It wasn’t going to change overnight.

If he got close, he was going to get burned. Or worse, he wouldn’t like what he found. I couldn’t let that happen.

“I wish you’d never moved in,” I said, stepping back and looking at the peppers. It took all my effort not to throw myself on him, to kiss him, to tell him that I wanted him. Because to say that I didn’t was the biggest lie I’d ever tell myself. 

I wanted Hunter Zaccadelli more than I’d ever wanted anything.

My hands were shaking so bad that the knife slipped.

“Shit!” 

“Here, run it under the water.” Hunter dragged me to the sink, putting my bleeding finger under the water. The cut wasn’t bad, so I ripped my hand away as quick as I could.

“Thanks, I think I can manage. I’ve somehow survived nearly twenty years of life without your help, thank you very much.”

“If that’s the way you want it.”

“Yes.” 

No, no, no.

He went back to the taco meat and non-meat, and I went back to the veggies. We didn’t speak again until Darah and Renee returned with sombreros and margarita mix and Mase and Dev and Sean and a few others from around the dorm.

I was relieved Hunter and I had a buffer of people to keep us apart. I didn’t know what I was going to do tonight. In our dark, quiet room with just the two of us, I was vulnerable. I was much more likely to change my mind under the influence of large pieces of Hunter’s exposed skin and the ease of sliding under the covers and sleeping with him again.

It would have been so easy.

Hunter went to bed early, and by the time I was ready myself, he had his back turned to me and the light off. He didn’t even say goodnight.